A thread for WOHMs seething with resentment (unless its just me...)

[hiveofactivity]

Even though we bring in a similar income.
Even though he was the one who wanted a child while I was ambivalent.
Even though we had always shared the housework equally BEFORE.
Even though he had always talked the talk of a 'feminist' man BEFORE.
Even though he had talked about how he could work 4 days a week/from home/flexibly BEFORE.

How is it that I'm the one constantly juggling work with making sure dd has clean clothes for school and healthy food in the fridge (and doctors appts and school demands and sorting childcare and the rest)?

How is it I'm the one who has accepted career limitations to maximise time with dd whilst he goes for the 'interesting' job rather than the one with the shorter commute or flexible hours?

He deigns to do a couple of school drop offs a week and acts like he's Dad of the Year. And I accept it as talking ends in arguing and competitive 'my job is more important' drivel. The last discussion ended with him hoping I would be made redundant as that would 'solve everything'.

I feel like a walking cliche of the having it all = doing it all WOHM. And I loathe myself for it even more than I resent him.

Yep. I'm a single mum now and agree that it's better to just live in acceptance that you have to do everything, rather than resentment at doing most things.

Mine used to say "do you want me to change his nappy?" "Do you want me to get up?" - drove me crazy. I'd point out that I don't ask him the same thing, I just get on with it. Add in the "what's for tea" and "have we got any bread etc". Aaargh!

He'd skip of to the gym every Saturday morning. So I'd be dealing with baby waiting for him to get home so I could get a bloody shower.

When we split (his cheating was the catalyst) he threw in my face the two nights out I'd had in 18 months as evidence of his co- parenting.

Not fun. X

Clod - exactly. ExH used to love to split chores evenly - if we were doing them at the same time, that is. All the chores I did when he wasn't looking didn't count though. And it's so much easier just to do everything myself rather than have to be needlessly consulted on every step of the process (and I am no exacting harridan either! Good enough is good enough for me).

Agree agree agree!!no solution though

The dilemma I have is he's not a great partner but he's a good dad, dd adores him and is equally close to him.
So whilst I could do without him, I couldn't take him away from dd.

Dd spends an equal time with each of us so I could no more expect him to become an EOW dad than I'd be prepared to be an EOW mum.

Which leads to 50/50 shared care, two homes and all the potential problems that could present for dd. I've read some very negative comments about the impact of 50/50 care on children on other threads which has made me wary.

So however much I'd love to have the satisfaction of watching him have to cope on his own with everything I do, 50% of the time (and it would be a relief to have some time off myself) - I feel I'd be gambling with dd's happiness.

Clearly my annoyance must have come across somehow at home as he's been better the last few days. And he isn't as bad as some others, we both spend an equal amount of time on our own social lives/exercise etc.

But the comments above about having to plan everything, being asked questions about everything (rather than just doing it) are equally true for us. Its the weight of sole responsibility that's wearing me down.

I think you need to go on strike. Because the wearing down of you WILL have an impact on your daughter. Believe me! This thread makes my stomach revolve and I get very slightly panicky. I haven't been in your situation but I saw my mother in your situation, and it's left it's mark.

But saying that I realise I sound like I'm laying blame at the feet of the women/mothers. I do apologise because I know it's not the case - something needs to be done to make men/your husband realise what you do, and how that has an impact on your life, your career, and the child of both of you.

Reading this thread has reminded me of how shit it was. I hated weekends cos it meant having to plan for dp as well as baby - I used to enable the shitness, encouraging him to go out on his bike etc thinking it would make him grateful and reciprocate. Never did of course.

I fantasised about moving into a house down the street so he'd still be part of our lives but I'd be free from drudgery!

I remember him going away with work and revelling in having a king sized bed to myself. The feeling of dread when he came back :-/

He did me a favour by cheating. He said he thought I didn't love him anymore, which is a crap reason to cheat - but indicates he wasn't oblivious to my seething resentment!

Anyway OP I think talking with him in a very frank and honest way is the next step. I completely understand you not wanting to disrupt your dd. I would let him know how I felt and give him a genuine chance to improve. If he doesn't want to, then I'm afraid I wouldn't choose to spend my life with him and would separate - it's hard but life does go on for children and parents post-separation. In my case life is better.

Ha karma same here! He didn't know which country we were in half the time as I arranged holidays, I had to remind him not to speak Spanish to Greek waiters.

He'd not bother getting any currency either. So I was in charge of buying and tipping.

Our last holiday was full of "it's not as good as last year". Oh fuck off.

I think it's very tricky to find the balance and what you see as 50/50 may not end up being traditional 50/50 if you see what I mean ?
I work pretty much full time but also have really flex work so if I need to leave work early or work from home I can. I have a senior role but self admittedly I don't want to take on more responsibilities
Husband has hugely senior stressful job and does not therefore has much flexibility therefore nearly 100% of the kid sick days, appointments etc falls to me
I've also generally been the "house manager" and sorted out most of the bills, repairs, holidays, socializing etc
I've seriously resented this recently and had a huge blow out with DH about it
When we sat down and worked out the who does what actually it was a bit of a wake up for me - although I was doing much of the "visible" chores he was the one doing a huge amount of other stuff that I took for granted,which he resented me not taking an interest in (seemingly)
I guess my point is you need to sit down and discuss the relationship split and make sure it's equal in whatever way works for your relationship (whether that be a traditional split or not)

Expat38matt, could you give examples of what he did that you took for granted?

No advice on how you're feeling apart from to discuss it... I probably wasn't much better, but then my ex-DW wasn't working at the time so she never raised it with me (much ! )

I do however have one bit of advice for him which is prompted by your comment about work seeping into family time. Don't be like me and let your work get in the way of being a dad. I spent the early years of my first daughter's life working my arse off. Mostly 6 days a week and too exhausted by the Sunday to really be bothered with much... Then I suddenly realised I didn't remember much about her as a baby or a toddler. All my memories are from video my ex-DW shot.

Work isn't that important in the grand scheme. If you have enough, it's enough. Time cannot be reclaimed and it is a horrible feeling to think that you pissed all the great times with your kids away to make someone else rich. I was a crap husband, but successful in my career ( still am I guess though I care less about it now ). The thing that makes me most proud is that I know I'm a much better person to her as her ex husband, and a good dad. Those are the things I think of as achievements I want to remember.

Spending less time working if possible ( for both of you ) makes the other stuff more bearable, with the awesome benefit of being able to spend more time with the kids whilst they still want to be with you.

/endhippy

I think if there are clear differences in your (paid) jobs it can be easier to rationalise how chores and childcare are allocated eg if one of you has a job that allows flexible or home working then it makes sense for that person to put some laundry on etc. If one of you has a much shorter commute or doesn't have to go on work trips away - then it makes sense for the other to cover sickness, childcare fails etc.

Our jobs are equally (relatively) inflexible and have a similar commute. We earn the same. I'm still doing more.

Yes he does the once a week taking the bins out, once a month garden jobs, twice a year car or house maintenance. I do the rest.

He'Il spend hours on the internet researching a new car or phone or holiday. I spend it doing online food shopping, sorting dd's birthday party, ordering school uniform etc. (And venting on MN of course!)

I think a lot of this skewed behaviour can be explained by selfishness and arrogance. His actions are telling you that he considers himself more important than you. Your child is your job. He would probably argue that she is more bonded to you, that you understand her better, are more capable of administering to her needs.

I would bet that he also sees his job as more important than yours. It has more capacity for growth, for promotion, regardless that you currrntly bring home a similar wage - his job will eventually lead him to be the main earner so it makes sense that he is allowed to concentrate on it and not be bothered by the minutiae that running s house and raising a child brings.

Just to add that you stated he was the one in the relationship that wanted a child. He had no idea what raising a child involved. He had a fantasy idea of what being a father was. He might have looked at friends and colleagues, saw a film or TV, but had no idea just how mind numbingly dull it was. Now he can see just how much goes into it he is cherry picking the fun bits and leaving you with the rest. A bit like picking a car based on reviews but the reality isn't quite as great as the build up. He knows you will fill the void he leaves, he can see you have it covered, so he is free to pursue his hobbies and career.

SleepFree - you've actually used phrases I've used in my head - are you telepathic??

Possibly

SleepFreeZone you have just described my ex, and how he destroyed our relationship.
He spent all his time on work and hobbies leaving me to take care of the boring stuff whilst putting my career on the back burner.
Then when our relationship feel apart because of the resentment I felt towards him, he had a "breakdown" and lost all interest in his career, nearly getting himself sacked.At that point the sum of his contribution to our relationship approached zero and I finally showed him the door.

I do think we have to drop balls to make things work. If we continue to be Stepford wives at home then we are part of the problem.

Our DC will grow up and they will be the ones posting on the equivalent of MN in 20 years blaming their inequality at home on how it was modelled to them.

Surely we don't want to perpetuate this crap? But that's what we're doing when we juggle everything and don't make our expectations of our partners crystal clear and then leave it to them to deal with their share (in the way they want to).

I do see a lot of my own friends making a 'rod for their own back' by taking on a lot of the 'wifework' because they don't trust their DH to do it/their DH doesn't do it to the level or standard they would like/etc.

We have to look at the bigger picture and let that shit go.

I've been much happier when I've done this...sure the house isn't perfect, things aren't to 'my standard' but we do split 50/50 and I'm chilled out and happy.

Stumblymonkey I used to think like you. I nearly turned myself inside out trying to work out how not to "make a rod for my own back". My ex would always have a reason why he couldn't do something because he didn't know how, or he would agree then "forget", or would make it not worth my while eg by cooking and trashing the kitchen, or demand I do something for him in return, or go shopping and buy the wrong things. It was all down to his selfishness and lack of respect for me.

stumblemonkey - sometimes that's possible - I can tell him to iron dd's school uniform and he'll do it without complaint (but won't notice it needs doing or do the laundry in time in the first place...).

But not all things can be left - I can remind him to order dd's birthday present - he leaves it to the last minute and it arrives after dd's birthday. Dd is upset.

I can remind him to pick up dd's prescription or book dd's doctors appt - he forgets, she doesn't have the medicine she needs in time.

I can remind him to organise dd's birthday party - he leaves it to the last minute and we struggle to find a venue, invites sent too late for her friends to attend etc. Again, dd loses out.

I can leave school admin entirely to him - wraparound care won't be booked, party invites not replied to and dd turns up to school in uniform when every other child isn't.

And that's why we keep doing it. Because we're not the only ones who lose out if we don't. Not because we're Stepford Wives.

On the plus side dd adores him and he's mostly a kind, patient, loving parent and they have a strong bond.

I was starting to resent my partner, as he had a full on job, lots of long hours and I was doing all the stage managing as you called it in your Op. I was doing all cooking cleaning, sometimes childcare for weeks at a time with no break whilst he was out of the country with work.
The thing that's fixed it for us, is that he is currently on leave from work (he's in a new job with crazy weeks on but lots of time off), and he does all the domestic stuff whilst he's off and I work. I've even been the one to leave the country for a business trip to Germany for a week, whilst he's at home doing everything.
He FINALLY realises all I was doing and has become more of a feminist now. He totally champions my work and will volunteer to look after our DS/cook/clean/laundry if it means I can get stuff done.
He's even started organising parts of our social life
Get him to walk a day in your shoes, (or a week if you can), they soon understand.

Just wondering if anyone here has the read the 'Incompetent Husband' thread?

I'll try category12 but hope I don't sound like a 50s housewife as that's not my intention
Truely I showed no interest in any conversation he tried to have about our joint finances, mortgage , investing money to the point where he felt allof that responsibility was on his shoulders - not because he didn't ask me or that I wasn't intelligent enough to understand but I really find it hard to show enthusiasm about that stuff which to him read as disinterested and leaving it to him to shoulder
Also we were doing a huge renovation and all the negotiations I left to him which turns out he was pissed off by!
Meanwhile I was doing all the childcare and housekeeping and feeling like I was alone in that
I guess my point is that we were both shouldering our own burdens and resentful at one another without looking at what the other was doing for the family
Not justifying household laziness at all but also trying to be devils advocate

I'd outsource all the things he should be doing and make him pay If he won't pull his weight himself, he should provide adequate alternatives. I would not step in and do his share of the work for him. This has been my attitude in my relationships, and has saved me infinite griping and is completely fair.