My partner of 12 months seems to have undergone a total personality transplant. I’ve known him for about 25 years, and he’s always been a lovely man. As a bit of background, he’s had two long term relationships of 10+ years, and I was married for 11 years.
When we got together, he was fun, open, engaging, talkative, great company, loved spending time with me. I moved in to his house after three or four months of us being together (we’re in our mid and late 40s) and for the next few months, everything was fantastic. We were both happy with each other’s company. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Loads of spontaneous amazing sex, morning noon and night, him giving hugs and kisses spontaneously, cute little texts every day saying he loved me, etc. We share some of the same hobbies and interests, and there’s other stuff we enjoyed doing together also, too much to list.
However, since about October he’s been withdrawn, almost non-communicative, like different person altogether. This seemed to literally happen overnight. I’ve no idea why. I have asked, repeatedly. He never spontaneously hugs or kisses me (never a “proper” kiss), there’s no texts and not much conversation in the evenings. I get a kiss when he leaves for work in the mornings (he leaves at 6 am), and when he gets in in the evening, there’s no friendly hello or hugs or even a peck on the check. For example, he came in today just before 3 o’clock, he knows that I'm in the house because my car is outside, but hasn’t come to see me to say hello. I know he’ll be sitting on the couch scrolling endlessly on his phone and will just grunt at me when I go to say hello and moan about having a shit day. He never asks about my day. I try to make allowances as he’s on his feet all day, and he’s outdoors in all weathers. I do wonder if there’s a bit of seasonal affective disorder going on, but he doesn’t seem any happier now the season’s changing.
It’s like he’s flicked the emotional off switch. As an example, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve made love since Christmas. If I instigate it, he’ll make an excuse about having a bad back or a sore hip and then leg it out of the bedroom (I’ve noted that this pain never stops him going off for entire days on his mountain bike with his friends though). When it does happen it’s usually it’s a five minute (and that’s a generous estimate) episode with minimal effort on his part, no foreplay, he stops when he feels like it and there’s no cuddles after. To be honest, I'm getting a bit fed up with being the one making all the effort. I end up feeling like a sex pest if I try and show him any affection. I did notice him checking out my boobs yesterday though when I was wearing a low cut top.
There’s absolutely zero effort made on his part to show me that he still cares. We recently had a couple of holidays together, and whilst things were OK, I found it really difficult to spend hours sat together in silence. I made all the effort at conversation but he just seemed like he was miles away.
I’ve asked him on numerous occasions what’s wrong, I tell him if something’s bothering him, just to let me know. He says there’s nothing wrong, he “loves me to bits” and that “it’s just what he does” and that he withdraws “into himself, sometimes for weeks at a time”. I’ve pointed out that it’s been months now and that if he did care, he’d make the effort to show it, and that it’s only reasonable for me to assume that he doesn’t want me any more if he doesn’t tell me or show me, He says that’s he’s upset about a friend of his dying in January this year. He’d known him for a long time, but while they were good friends, they didn’t seem particularly close. I think it’s a bit strange that he’s using this as an excuse when he’s so unemotional where I'm concerned. I’ve asked if there’s anyone else and he says no. He’s not a liar and I believe him.
I’ve noticed that he’s also drinking more than is good for him at the moment. On a couple of occasions when we’ve been out, when we got home, he’s turned on me – verbally, he’d never dream of laying so much as a finger on me - saying things like I can't wait to move out or go back to my husband (no chance of that happening, ever). He was apologetic in the morning on both occasions and said he doesn’t want to lose me and wants us to spend the rest of our lives together.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel awkward about telling him I love him as he never says it or even demonstrates it to me any more. Actions do speak louder than words, don’t they?
I suspect that he’s depressed or bipolar. He’s mentioned having depression in the past.
We live in his house, which is in joint names with his ex (who never contributed to the mortgage despite emotionally blackmailing him into buying). She moved out over three years ago but there’s still tons of her things here (mostly clothes and, frankly, junk, but he says it’s not his stuff to throw away) and he either won't or can't deal with sorting out the title to the house or getting her to collect her stuff. This means that there's no room for my things, which are still at my old house. I’ve been told by reliable sources (without my asking them) that she was a manipulative cow, but I suppose that’s another story. It’s a shithole, everything needs doing to it – windows, electric, plumbing, new kitchen, new bathroom etc.. There’s no stair carpet and the inside wall of the gable end is mouldy in patches. I’ve never lived anywhere like this in my life. I'm the only one who ever tidies up.
I’ve gone so far as to pack all my clothes, they're in bags in the wardrobe. He knows this but hasn’t commented.
I suppose I'm just rambling but I'm looking for objective thoughts on this. Anyone?