Need to tell parents to leave us alone but so awkward and horrible

[SallyHandsom]

NC but long-time MN users.

Me and DH moved back to the city where we grew up last year after nearly 10 years living far away. We didn't know each other growing up and our parents didn't know each other. Massive co-incidence when we met at university.

Over the last 10 years me and DH have developed a lovely life together. We're very insular and we've both distanced ourselves from our parents and been much happier for it. We haven't fallen out but we called less often and would call them out if they were being out of order when we did speak.

Anyway, me and DH both got new jobs in/near the city we grew up. So we moved back. But parents have been gradually increasing contact and sort of piercing the lovely bubble that me and DH have built around us for the last 10 years. We're arguing much more because there are other people involved in the relationship.

But, parents coming over more regularly isn't the problem per se. The issue is that we're now finding ourselves much more involved in wider family things. In 2017, we've lost loads of weekends to family stuff we've not wanted to do but have gone along with to be polite.

Basically, we want to distance ourselves, get our old life back but it's awkward and we're not sure how. I don't want to lie ("we're busy this weekend") because that isn't addressing the issue but it's rude to just tell people we don't want to hang out with them. But, we're in this area for the long-haul and we want to establish the sort of life we want to live here for the next 20 years.

So, how can we establish a bit of distance without coming across like rude buggers?

My mum is very overbearing if allowed op
She can never be assed to come over on a Sunday afternoon like she's said she'll do a million times then just doesn't turn up (usually because she's gone to my sis instead. Think umbilical cord still attached)but it's things like she will text and is always at that time of the evening when I'm doing pack ups,tea,showering kids,homework,getting school stuff ready etc etc so I won't answer as haven't even looked at my phone. She will give it five minutes and text again,then whatsapp to let me know she's text gggrrrrrrrr
I have tried for years explaining to her politely that it's a busy time of day (me and dh both work full time aswell so our house is quite hectic)and shel do the bloody same again the very next day.
The texts are never anything remotely important,normally same generic hi hope all ok type thing.

She's also turned up at the crucial hectic time of an evening on many occasions and wondered why I'm assy with her as it's 8pm I'm trying to ship the kids to bed ready to start cooking for me and dh to eat (an already late tea,made later due to her turning up and demanding a coffee and chat )

Just a few days ago (sat)I asked her in front of my dad NOT to text or whatsapp me before 9 am on Sunday morning as it's the only day I get to sleep with no alarm. My dad agreed with me entirley and says he tells her not to.
And guess what time the incessant texting and whatsapping started on sun morning?
7.15 am

She was off out with friends but really wanted to see us in the afternoon and expected us at 6pm not to be eating or out on a dog walk and just sat waiting for her!!
I just got on with normal stuff after a lovely day with dh and dc (we get one sodding day a week)
And she called at 6.40 to say she won't bother as she's tired now. I won't see her all week but it seems she's oblivious to how demanding she is.
I love her to his but I find her very draining. I've told her to get more hobbies,make more friends,actually walk her dog etc etc but she still insists on being so demanding.

Why does it reflect 'badly' on us and to who? This is exactly the kind of bullshit I want to get away from.

Why does it reflect badly on you? Well, you seem to resent the very existence of your parents and extended family, for no particular reason.

They decided to have children to enrich their own lives 30 years ago. I don't see why that means I now owe them back for that

That's quite a contemptuous way to talk about your parents. Maybe there's something you haven't mentioned about your upbringing, because not many people would share your views there.

"We're arguing much more because there are other people involved in the relationship." this relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy.

It's one thing to want to have less involvement with your families based on previous interactions. It's quite another when not being able to be entirely co dependent on each other makes you argue more.

What happens when you have children? There will be "other people involved in the relationship" then, your families will want a relationship with those children, and more importantly, those children will have a right to a relationship with their extended family. Equally there will be play dates, birthday parties, involvement from other parents etc.

A relationship where you only need each other and where other people cause arguments is incredibly unhealthy.

Before cutting out your families I would have a long look at the relationship and assess whether it really is the involvement of family that is causing arguments between you or whether it's actually the fact that one or the other is so controlling that isolation has happened naturally over the past ten years and family being brought into the equation has upset the balance for the controlling one.

That's quite a contemptuous way to talk about your parents. Maybe there's something you haven't mentioned about your upbringing, because not many people would share your views there.

Well I certainly do share them. I would hate to think my DCs would visit me when they are adults purely due to obligation. And no, they won't owe me anything, though I would like to think they might want to see me. But that's a different thing entirely.

HeyRoly I never said I resented their existence . I resent using my free time to go to extended family events. I did say upthread, we have no problems seeing our parents occasionally but I don't want to be involved with cousins/nieces/nephews/aunties etc.
No, nothing I haven't mentioned. I just don't feel I 'owe' my parents anything. I did say that I've said this on MN before and been told I'm U.

WannaBe I said upthread there won't be any children. We're not arguing because we're co-dependent on each other. Not entirely sure what that means though, aren't all couples co-dependent on each other to some extent? We're arguing because we both want to tell our parents and families to bugger off but we're frustrated that we don't seem to have the backbone to do it

I'm sorry but I think the reason that your mum treats you like a 10 year old child is because you act like one. Yes, in life we all have to do things sometimes that we'd rather not, but most people don't behave like a selfish child and stomp their feet until they get their own way!

If you want to cut yourself off from them then that's your choice although I wonder what on earth your parents did to you to deserve that. There will come a time in your life when you realise that you do need support of family and when you might actually gain some compassion and want to help out your parents if they need it, but it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do first.

Why don't you have the backbone to do it? What would the fallout be if you said 'No, we need some time to ourselves this weekend'??

beekeeper I didn't say I wanted to cut myself off. I said I wanted to distance myself from being involved in extended families. I still want to see parents occasionally. If you read the fucking thread you'd see that.

I meant my mother treats me like a 10 year old when she came to my house an re-arranged my whole kitchen because, apparently, I didn't know how to do it properly. Or when she told me I was stupid and naive for investing money in a particular product though she has absolutely no idea where any of her cash is invested. Or when she calls me/texts me every single day when I'm on holiday because she's worried about my losing my money and passport.

I know we all have to do things we don't want to. That's why I put up with my mother visiting for a week at Xmas, why me and DH went to his sister's wedding last year, why DH agreed to be godparent to his brother's kid. We didn't want any of those things but we did them because we acknowledge that you do have to sometimes. Sometimes being the operative word.

shove Because I'm weak and I hate awkwardness and confrontation. If we continually said no to things, my mum would just tell me outright that I'm being selfish and DH's parents would sulk massively.

Any kind of ill-feeling makes me nervous and itchy.

OP do you have friends? Do you ever socialise with people away from your partner or vice versa?

I didn't say I wanted to cut myself off. I said I wanted to distance myself from being involved in extended families

The thing is, OP, with some people (and it sounds like this may be the case from the people you are describing) that can be no middle way.

My impossibly overbearing DM lives thousands of miles away (whew!) but I remember from when we used to live in the same town, it seemed to be either I allowed her to engulf me or I stood up for myself which resulted in tantrums and rage from her. Sometimes that went as far as her cutting me off ("not speaking" is one of her specialities).

There was no middle way with her then in the same physical space.

Now, it's easer. We communicate by telephone and email. She still drives me to distraction at times, but I can control the contact so much better at arm's length.

I think maybe you need to manage their demands a bit more passively then- e.g. don't answer the phone on holiday perhaps- send 1 text when you arrive saying everything's fine, and you will contact them if there's a problem but the signals very weak so there's no point in her calling, you will phone when you get home. Then ignore the calls.
Start a hobby of hillwalking for a few months until they get used to you being out and busy at the weekends, but build in say a visit once every 3 or 4 weeks. When they get the hang of it then you won't need to go out, but until they appreciate your time alone is valuable you need to have a reason to use.

WannaBe Of course. We both have friends that we see from time to time. I see mine more regularly but not terribly often. I'd rather be on my own. Not even necessarily with DH

Floraeasy I think that's what the issue is really. When we lived far away of course we only saw parents because random aunties and uncles aren't going to traipse hundreds of miles to see us. Both our sets of parents think of their "family" as being much larger and encompassing a lot of other people. Whereas we don't really see these people as "family". Very good point, you've got me pondering now

I have to say some neighbours of ours have family round all the time (and quite often bitch about them!) but don't seem to have any actual friends that aren't related. That seems more unhealthy to me than a desire to have your own space. It's like they've never grown up.

Op I'm a bit like you like my own space.But my mother was so overbearing. It got to the stage I had the man I. The flat above to say I wasn't in.

That's when I realised something had to be done,we fell out for a bit but they will realise you're an adult.They won't change,it's down to you to change your reactions to their behaviour. There will be fall out but it's either that or giving up your weekends for the foreseeable future.

Sally, what's the worst that can happen if you say no a few times? What are you afraid of? I'm an introvert by nature and I've often ended up saying 'no, I don't want to' when the normal polite excuses won't work. If your pil get offended and won't speak to you, I'd see that as a good result! The nervous, itchy feeling of guilt soon goes away once you realise how peaceful it is without the pressure of having to see family every single weekend.

I feel your pain Sally. I'm always astounded how family members have this romantic idea of spending time together when the reality is that half of them hate each other's guts. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

I'm afraid you're going to have to brazen it out, grow a pair, acquire a thick skin or whatever and tell them you want to have time to yourselves at weekends. Make it clear you'd love to see them once in a while but the current rate of family socialising is just too much. I know it's hard but unambiguity is the way to go.

I think there are times in life where you have to go through awkwardness and confrontation in order to set boundaries. Learning how to be assertive, rather than aggressive or a walkover is critical. I really think you'd benefit from reading some books on this subject - assertiveness - as without the skills to be firm, you'll end up aggressive or passive-aggressive.

The thing is, the storm of others' disappointment will pass. People often react negatively to a movement of the boundaries and goalposts, but they mostly adapt. And if they don't, there comes a point where the selfishness of their unwillingness to compromise becomes so clear that the guilt of setting boundaries just evaporates.

Your mum would tell you you're being selfish because that's true and you know that, so why do you want to pretend otherwise? You can't expect to snub your extended family and also have them think you're a lovely person. People pick up on behaviours and I'd say most of them already know what you're like and would actually be glad of an excuse to not invite you to family gatherings so they can just get on and enjoy themselves without your negativity.

If you really don't want to see your family all you need to do is grow a backbone and say so. You get asked to go to a cousins party, you just say No thank you. That's it.

Is it really so difficult?

Be honest with them? You want to have a quiet weekend with DH. Or sports events aren't your thing.

beekeeper What the fuck. I'm not negative at family events. If I go along I'll act pleased to see them and happy to be there. Obviously because I'm not a cunt.

I don't want my mum to call me selfish because (a) I don't see selfishness as a particularly bad quality, (b) I don't think I am particularly selfish for refusing to do stuff that I don't actually want to do with my free time and (c) I'm afraid I'll blow up at the sheer irony of it all as my mum's the most selfish person I know. As I said though, I don't see selfishness as a particularly negative quality so I don't begrudge her being selfish. I don't want a confrontation with her.

This thread has really got me thinking. There are two main issues. The first is that mine and DH's concept of "family" and who we'd like to see occasionally is wildly different from our parents' concept of "family". Understandably
The second is that we've not been assertive enough so we've allowed being available and willing to become the norm. We both need to woman the fuck up and brave out any confrontations or awkwardness.

I think you need to be truthful and when your DM accuses you of being selfish agree with her!

"You're being selfish!"

"Yes, I am; I'm looking after my need for downtime at the weekend I find all these gathering utterly exhausting and I just can't do them"

If you dont want to be nasty, jyst start becoming more and more vague. Dont reply to texts. Take ages to call back if they call. Be too busy a lot of the time. Fade out...

I don't have any answers for you, OP, I just want to say that I empathise with your situation. I dealt with it by choosing to live 3 hours away from my parents, 90 minutes away from DH's parents. DH is even less sociable than me, so doesn't come when I take our son to visit my parents. My mother doesn't understand his reluctance, but I'd rather not be there either - I go out of a sense of duty. What annoys me most is that my sibling doesn't visit or make contact at all, hasn't for years, but is still spoken of in glowing terms.