Need to tell parents to leave us alone but so awkward and horrible

[SallyHandsom]

NC but long-time MN users.

Me and DH moved back to the city where we grew up last year after nearly 10 years living far away. We didn't know each other growing up and our parents didn't know each other. Massive co-incidence when we met at university.

Over the last 10 years me and DH have developed a lovely life together. We're very insular and we've both distanced ourselves from our parents and been much happier for it. We haven't fallen out but we called less often and would call them out if they were being out of order when we did speak.

Anyway, me and DH both got new jobs in/near the city we grew up. So we moved back. But parents have been gradually increasing contact and sort of piercing the lovely bubble that me and DH have built around us for the last 10 years. We're arguing much more because there are other people involved in the relationship.

But, parents coming over more regularly isn't the problem per se. The issue is that we're now finding ourselves much more involved in wider family things. In 2017, we've lost loads of weekends to family stuff we've not wanted to do but have gone along with to be polite.

Basically, we want to distance ourselves, get our old life back but it's awkward and we're not sure how. I don't want to lie ("we're busy this weekend") because that isn't addressing the issue but it's rude to just tell people we don't want to hang out with them. But, we're in this area for the long-haul and we want to establish the sort of life we want to live here for the next 20 years.

So, how can we establish a bit of distance without coming across like rude buggers?

You just need to develop a firm but airy manner and say 'we' a lot:

'Oh sorry, we always go to church/cinema/the recycling centre on a Saturday morning.'

'Oh sorry, we like to get our chores done on a Sunday - that works best for us'.

Yeah, because nobody is going to be upset if someone says that they can't come to lunch because they do their recycling on Sundays.

Sorry Maybe but using recycling as an excuse really cracked me up.

Why did you decide to look for jobs in your home town?

That seems to be the root of the problem.

Would you consider moving away again if necessary?

Also wondering whether you socialise regularly with your friends, as that would be a good excuse not to see family maybe?

You may have given out wrong signals by moving back to the local area.

Why does attending a family events involve "losing loads of weekends". Can't you turn up, do your duty for an hour or so and then you still have the other 47 hours to yourselves. It also sounds better than disappearing down an insular bubble. I think I understand your motivations but moderation is all things in not a bad watchword.

It was a bit of a drip feed, OP to fail to mention that your relationships with your families are as difficult as you say.

Really, it's each to their own and if you and your husband are more content alone with eachother, go for it!

The problem in hand though, well, there's no way around it, is there? You might be considered anti-social or rude or whatever if you continue to refuse invitations, but so what? Go to the big things if and when you feel like it. If you don't want to go, just say, "No, we don't fancy it on this occassion". Just that. "We don't want to, but we'll see you next time if we're free". No drama, no fuss.

Again though, I must once again throw in a word of caution about becoming too dependant on one person. It is not healthy. There endeth the lesson! Also, why the heck did you move back to your home city if you didn't want to be around your families?! Dumb move right there (pardon the pun).

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed. I didn't really see the reason for distancing ourselves as being the important thing, the important thing is how to distance ourselves.

We live just outside of our home city. We moved back because I got a job here. It was a £15,000 pay rise and jobs in my field don't come up often so you have to take them when they do. Dh was able to relocate his job. We did discuss that it'd be close to parents and that might be an issue but, as I said, we thought the novelty of us being back in the area would wear off.

I'm a loner, I do like to socialise sometimes but often want to get out of things. I've struggled with this type of thing as it's my natural tendency to be honest / too blunt. I'm very bad at lying so if I try to lie I feel really awkward and that it must be obvious.

BUT I have found some good ways around it - I now say things like "Oh sorry we have plans that day" plans to sit around reading the paper in our PJs

"I'm afraid I have an appointment then, sorry maybe next time" an appointment with myself to take the day off and go shopping on my own

Then I'm not lying but not revealing all either. Most people are reluctant to ask what your appointment is in case it's seen as prying, but if they do I say "oh just a work/bank meeting/helping someone move" - trying to avoid further questions.

I think the thing is always being too busy / having other plans is how people do actually tell each other, in "polite" social code, that they're not keen on spending so much time with them. If you're receiving end of this you're supposed to take the hint eventually. Drives me mad that we can't all just be more straightforward though.

(Though I have to say with my mum, who is also very difficult, I did end up just being totally blunt because there was no other way to get through to her.)

Yeah, because nobody is going to be upset if someone says that they can't come to lunch because they do their recycling on Sundays

Yes, your reason for non-attendance must be something that you regretfully cannot get out of. To be graceful, it must look like you would really rather not be stuck doing it but that you simply have no choice. The reason given cannot be too trivial.

What do you both work at? Any room there to use that as an excuse sometimes?

My DH does IT (own business) so perfect for excuses - got to do an upgrade for a client so weekend only time they're free, etc, etc.

I didn't really see the reason for distancing ourselves as being the important thing, the important thing is how to distance ourselves.

But if you're dealing with someone who is nasty and who wants to phone you three times a day, it changes the "how" quite a bit. If you mother wants you to be at these family gatherings you may find there's no polite way of saying no - you'll get the third degree about your alternative plans, you'll get guilt tripped, you'll get stuff agreed for you on your behalf. The ideas people are giving here are great but I think you have to be prepared that they might not work and you might have to be rude.

There was an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry made up a Rolodex of excuses to brush off a friend.

Your problem looks like it will be long-term, so you will need an array of excuses.

I really don't think there's anything wrong with refusing to hang out with people who make you feel bad. I wouldn't even mind if they thought I was a bit rude.

If the problem is that you still want to see your PILS, then you're going to have to make an agreement to see them every so often and suck it up. But then you can know that you don't have to do it again for however many weeks/months.

I agree with PPs suggestions that offering opportunities to meet up on your terms can soften the blow of refusing invitations. 'We can't do that day, but would you like to do lunch in three months?

Or move away again

toomuch - that's so well put! But rather than being prepared to be rude, I'd say being prepared to be firm.

There's nothing rude about having healthy boundaries! The trouble is, if you are dealing with a Fear-Obligation-Guilt kind of scenario, any statement of your own wishes can feel 'rude' - not least because the reaction to someone not getting their way can be explosive. But that's because the whole setup is dysfunctional. In a healthy family, with healthy relationships, there's enough listening and understanding for people to realise that others have commitments elsewhere, or even the need for some peace and quiet occasionally.

toomuch Yes, you're absolutely right. Apologies, I should've been clear about my reasons for distancing earlier on.

I Can't Because....

allgoodexcuses.com/#RAGE

Excuse generator.

I am one of 6 siblings and just about every month there is something on. A birthday or so other celebration. I just say it's not for me.

For one offs or something for my mum I attend. A big birthday party like an 18th or 21st I make an effort. Someones 32nd birthday meal at an all you can eat chinese buffet I just say I am not coming. If pushed I will give a reason such as 'It's a school night and ds will be tired and grumpy' or 'dp is working really early the next day' or that we have already made plans.

I love my family but all together with dcs aged from 21 to 2 and it is chaos. I don't enjoy it. So have learned to just not go.

Was discussing it yesterday with my dsis who goes to most things. It was a nieces birthday do last night and I didn't go. Dsis didn't want to go but felt obliged. I just said I wasn't going as we had plans all day Saturday and wanted to relax in sunday. Dsis says next time she is going to do the same.

I think apart from dcs or significant bdays/celebrations it's not on to expect everyone to come. I certainly don't on my birthday etc.

As adults you're allowed to do what you want when you want. You don't need to give them a reason!

Oh that weekends no good for us-thanks though.

If they press for a reason just bloody lie! I've got to do some work from home. I've taken up triathlons.

Or, of course, try the truth. DH and I need our space too. So we can do the following weekend, but not this one. Thanks though, hope you have a lovely time at sports day.

Fwiw-I don't think the reasons matter either-you don't have to live in their pockets even if they're perfectly pleasant!

"Not that weekend; we have 2 days of sex planned for it"

Are you planning on having children OP?
That's the only thing that would stop me encouraging you to stay in your bubble
Ideally I would have stayed in one with DH but my family all have keys (at our foolish suggestion) and regularly used to burst ours.
Once you have kids - things change. That overpowering need they have for contact may become very welcome when you get stuck for childcare or fancy some bubble time together.

You don't have to be mean, sit down with them and say that you're only going to dedicate one in every four weekends to family commitments as you have stuff planned as a couple.

Far easier than them turning up crying on the step asking whhhhyyyyyyyy??

Random

Would you consider moving far away again?

The move back to your home city doesn't seem to be doing you or your DH much good.

It might seem a short-term hassle, but could actually be the best long-term solution you have for this situation.

We have talked about moving away again but it's such a PITA and we'd have to wait for a suitable job to come up for me or DH (most likely me) and jobs in my field don't come up all that often. We'd also said that this would be the last move in our working lives so neither of us have the appetite for moving again.

Random Very good idea but DH's parents are soooooo prickly I think they'd actually curl up in a ball and die. Once when we were out I had to get pain killers for my period and I think FIL lost about three pints of sweat in seven seconds

We're not planning on having children, no.

Yes, it would be a real hassle to move again, I agree.

Maybe just keep your eyes open for opportunities. Sometimes life can surprise you! Just put the idea out there and get your antennae up.

Try and weigh up decades of dodging these people and the stress of excuse-making with moving just one more time

Suggest your both tired after a big week/month working.
We're going out for a meal/date night.
We have plans to get stuff done round the house, no it can't wait, the house is a pigsty.
We're skint/saving for a holiday/deposit/car/trip to the moon.
We have plans with friends and have already booked tickets for. If they ask if you enjoy it find a review online and use that as your own experience.