Need to tell parents to leave us alone but so awkward and horrible

[SallyHandsom]

NC but long-time MN users.

Me and DH moved back to the city where we grew up last year after nearly 10 years living far away. We didn't know each other growing up and our parents didn't know each other. Massive co-incidence when we met at university.

Over the last 10 years me and DH have developed a lovely life together. We're very insular and we've both distanced ourselves from our parents and been much happier for it. We haven't fallen out but we called less often and would call them out if they were being out of order when we did speak.

Anyway, me and DH both got new jobs in/near the city we grew up. So we moved back. But parents have been gradually increasing contact and sort of piercing the lovely bubble that me and DH have built around us for the last 10 years. We're arguing much more because there are other people involved in the relationship.

But, parents coming over more regularly isn't the problem per se. The issue is that we're now finding ourselves much more involved in wider family things. In 2017, we've lost loads of weekends to family stuff we've not wanted to do but have gone along with to be polite.

Basically, we want to distance ourselves, get our old life back but it's awkward and we're not sure how. I don't want to lie ("we're busy this weekend") because that isn't addressing the issue but it's rude to just tell people we don't want to hang out with them. But, we're in this area for the long-haul and we want to establish the sort of life we want to live here for the next 20 years.

So, how can we establish a bit of distance without coming across like rude buggers?

We have plans with friends and have already booked tickets for. If they ask if you enjoy it find a review online and use that as your own experience This is exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid.

sympathies. I had to say to my mum that I didn't think we would go to lunch every sunday. The silence that followed. it was akwward. I've got it down to fortnightly now with the realisation that I may not even make it every fortnight if somethig else comes up. It was very awkward though! but i resisted the inclination to diffuse the awkwardness by just saying oh ok then.

SallyHandsom, I agree. Creating fake plans shouldn't be necessary.

What you want is that their expectation to see you every Sunday (in my case) is lowered.

The first few sundays were incredibly awkward btw. The atmosphere was like we'd fallen out. Or had a row. My mum was acting martyred. Like I'd got too big for my boots turning down an invitation to a roast dinner. But ride it out. The awkwardness I mean.

I haven't really read the whole thread just skimmed it but have you thought of you taking control of the situation yourself by sitting down with the parents and in laws and you pencil in the days you would like to see them over the next month/6 weeks.

Ask them if you can put them into your diary as firm visit/meet up dates and then say see you on the 25th December April ? That way they know when they are seeing you so don't feel the need to keep asking to see you and you look like you are not trying to avoid them but just to organise your free time?

Sorry if this has already been suggested, I'm having a really shit week year and nothing is making much sense to me at the moment.

Once when we were out I had to get pain killers for my period and I think FIL lost about three pints of sweat in seven seconds

Gynae problems it is then, at least once a month. You could also both take up a hobby. Cycling seems to consume lots of time 10 min cycle to coffee shop, 2hrs looking at Sat/Sun papers, 10 min cycle back, shower, too tired for anything else. We also divide and conquer sometimes so he will go to his and I go to mine which we both find slightly less awkward. Joint trip every two months so they don't gossip.

SALLY, I feel drained just reading your thread. 😄
To think that I had to join in with the family at every given opportunity, gives me an emotional hangover.
You definitely have to put a stop to this.
Take up a new hobby together.
Tell them Sunday is Shagathon day, they'll never ask again !
Can't leave your new puppy.
Having friends round for lunch.
Just tell them, thank you for thinking if us, but we enjoy our weekends at home together, hope you have fun.
Don't forget to book yourself a short break for Christmas 😂

Sugar Christmas is a whole other world of problems

We have families like yours Sally. The conversations with my mum used to go a little like this:

Would you and dh and dc like to come round for dinner on Sunday?
Oh that would be lovely but we've got plans, sorry.
What plans are they?
Well we've got quite a few things to catch up on.
What kind of things?
Oh you know, household things, admin etc.
Can't you do that earlier in the day?
Well yes but we'll probably be tired by dinner time.
Well can't you do it on Saturday then?
We have something else on Saturday.
What have you got on Saturday?

Honestly it would go on and on until I would give in or get in a huff, or she would get in a huff.

We've just moved abroad and the feeling of complete freedom is absolutely flipping marvellous

You have to sort this now
Just tell them
"Please don't be offended if we say no to family things, but we really enjoy our own time together, we're really used to it, and if we don't have us time, we feel a bit out of sorts"
My brother and sil need this and the family know it, so leave them to it occasionally.

What about "Thanks, but that's not our kind of thing"

Or 'We're planning a quiet weekend, so it's a thanks but no"

You CAN do this. You are just frightened of your M's reaction. That's what feeds her. It can only stop when you change the rules.

I like Ferrisday response too, with a DM like the OP's though, WW3 will still probably kick off, but it has to be done

I think I would have a conversation about work. Just say you find it draining and have to spend some weekends just "recharging the batteries" so won't make all family invitations. Make it clear it is not a fall out, just need life to be sustainable and not end up feeling exhausted/burnt out.

Then "we had a very busy week"
"ooh right, I thought I'd be able to recharge the batteries this weekend, hmmmm could you ask me next time"
and as pp said, book something a bit further away and then "sure we will see you on x date"

Mamaka Yes, that's exactly what it's like

I once told my mum that me and DH were going to B&Q to buy some stuff so I couldn't do something with her. Then we changed our mind and ended up having lunch in a pub. My mum spotted us and called me to ask why we didn't go to B&Q. Madness.

I should say actually my mum isn't too bad.

DH's family are the worst. As I said, they're very into family and very much feel a keen sense of obligation.

Us saying we don't fancy spending a Saturday afternoon hanging out at a random cousin's house or watching DH's niece doing gymnastics for hour son end would be met with

Just be careful that your dp's "no socialization" requirement does not mean you can't socialize either. Be sure you are making free choices. Because unless you are very careful you will isolate yourself and you may regret it when it's too late. Codependency can be very destructive.

My first thought when reading your OP was that you and DH were the weird ones for prizing this lifestyle in which you don't have to have anything to do with your families. I don't think that's healthy and reflects quite badly on you as a couple, I think.

However, I understand that you feel suffocated.

Moving back to your home city was a mistake, wasn't it? If you'd rather live as hermits, free of family obligations, then you'd be much better off not living near any of them.

I also want to point out that this has nothing to do with introversion I'm an introvert and I love spending time with my family.

Just after seeing you're latest update OP and I'd have to say something like this -
Well mum, we decided to change our plans for the day to suit ourselves, now that, you know, we're grown-ups. Why are you keeping tabs on us anyway? It really shouldn't matter at all what we do in our time, it's our time and we can do what we want with it. We'll end up doing X or going to Y when we feel like it. Seeing as how you are keeping tabs on us, this makes us uncomfortable and if you keep it up, we'll have to reconsider how available we have been up to now.

I'd hate it if my children felt they "owed" me a relationship as said up thread. Your children don't owe you anything and if you want them around in 20 years make yourself the sort of person they want to spend time with. If the op and her husband want their own lives they're perfectly entitled to do so.

I think the only thing you can do is either be incredibly honest and say you prefer to just relax at weekends or keep deflecting till they get the hint

If you don't think you could just say you don't fancy it, or needing some time alone together isn't 'good enough', you could always go for a big lie.

You're both starting evening classes that have LOTS of homework. You're doing OU degrees. You're doing overtime every other weekend. You're having friends to stay / going away together (won't work if they're likely to spot you in Asda...)

I'm massively introverted and my mother is massively controlling (conversations go like mamaka said). Giving responses such as those Hissy suggested would lead to a huge argument. I get how stressful and exhausting it is.

You can't make excuses for the rest of your life
Just tell them!

Oh the B&Q/pub thing wasn't a big issue. I was just giving it as an example!

HeyRoly reflects quite badly on you as a couple, I think What do you mean? Why does it reflect 'badly' on us and to who? This is exactly the kind of bullshit I want to get away from.

Ferdinand I feel the same. I hate the idea of 'owing' our parents. They decided to have children to enrich their own lives 30 years ago. I don't see why that means I now owe them back for that . I've said that before on MN though and I got crucified.

It's times like these when you actually enjoy d&v. Utter peace and quiet.

What's the worst -case scenario if you were just to be truthful to your/his parents? 'No, we'd raher not.'

From some of the comments you've made, OP (and I realise I could be way off-base here) it sounds like you'd be happy enough if you didn't see them at all, if it came to it?

If that's the case, perhaps you shouldn't worry overly much about offending them. Instead, be quite blunt about your lack of interest in participating in all their stuff.

You will either:-

*Offend them beyond belief and they cut you off. You will then be back to being able to live like hermits whilst remaining in same city.

*Actually get through to them and greatly reduce contact - maybe it's bluntness they need to finally "get it".