my husband and a mid life crisis

[GetHairy]

I feel like I have really gone off him just lately. He just seems to flit from one thing to another and now its work again.

He wants to change job, well he wants to contract for a company which is several hours away. It is very good money and he thinks it will lead to a 'fantastic' ( his words) permenant position. But it will also mean him being away from home or a long commute and tbh I am sick of it. I feel as though I do everything for the children myself. I feel constantly tired.

He has been unhappy with his current work situation for a while but I am just sick of his attitude. He seems to act on a whim all the time. Last week he was saying he wanted to move elsewhere again and I dont want to move anywhere or do anything. I want to settle a bit.

Its as though he constantly wants change and excitement, but its always about what he wants. He wasnt particually spoilt as a child, far from it really, so I am unsure where this attitude comes from. I am wondering whether its a mid life crisis of some sort as he is knocking on for 40.

He was even looking at sports cars last week Its all just getting on my nerves.

Please dont 'out' me btw. I have only changed my name just incase he reads it, not to protect myself iykwim. I am not sure what advice anyone can give me either, I just needed to rant

He's not a saggitarian by any chance is he?? There is a fantastic midlife crisis site called www.midlifecrisisforum.com

There is some useful advice on there, many men seem to be seeing the grass is greener, be it work, women, interests, and it seems to happen at any age.

One thing I can ofer, is if you can get to talk to a counsellor, b4 it gets out of hand, just to reevaluate your lives a bit.

good luck

Ugh, unpleasant situation.

How long has he been in his current job? How well does he know the firm he wants to work for? What is his work history like?

Jumping to a new job because you hate your current job is generally a bad idea, in my experience. And it's generally good to have more than one possible job on the go, when you make a decision ...

Don't underestimate the disruption a midlife crisis like this can cause - I may be totally ott but if he's bored and feeling constrained he's vulnerable to all kinds of excitement and change, and if you react in a grumpy frustrated resentful ('boring') way then it is possible he may be vulnerable to more than just a new job and change of wallpaper. I am NOT suggesting you pander to his whims by the way - you both have equal rights in the relationship - but don't treat him like a spoilt child, take an adult approach and sort this out when it's still a niggle not a marriagebreaker.

I do feel really resentful to be honest. He has had a pretty FULL working life. He has travelled lots and seen the world. He has been in has current job for several years and he has 'stuck it out' as he did hate it from the begining. I can see how he feels about work and I can see he wants to change but I dont think it always has to involve a change of scenary OR any excitement.

This other company he can contract for is just a company he thinks is 'exciting' I think. It definately wasnt one he aimed to work for.

He is a scorpio btw!

totally agree with budgie

my dh is in the middle of a mid life crisis at the moment - has left home for some more 'excitement' but is popping back every now and again to make sure we're still willing to have him back once he sorts his head out

take time to talk to him and to listen

try to compromise on whatever you can. and whenever you compromise on something for him, he should do the same in return for you. you both have equal needs and rights.

but i'm afraid when someone is in this state of mind it's so difficult to get through to them.

lots of talking and lots of little things to look forward to (night out, treats, even a good bottle of wine!), and facing things one at a time, are what's getting us through this

i feel for you i really do {{{hugs}}}

your point about seeing that he wants/needs a change but not wanting it to involve constant upheaval is key

tell him you'll support him 100% in getting a new role, looking for a more exciting/challenging job - even start looking online and in the newspapers to show your support

but at the same time say you'd like to do all that from your current home and that's non-negotiable

he can't have everything!!

what you want is just as important!

and if you can afford it, perhaps look for a new car?

if you say you'd like to settle a bit, you don't want to move house, would like him at home with you as much as possible as you love being with him so much but you'll happily help with the new job and new car search... then surely he has nothing to complain about?!!

Mylittlestar, what kind of "excitement" is he pursuing??? You sound fairly laid-back about this!

I started a thread a while ago about the possible existence of a male midlife crisis and the concensus by most seemed to be that there isn't one.. selfish men just use it as an excuse to go off the rails. Which actually I don't think is the whole answer; it's not that simple.

Oh it's complicated beyond belief but basically he's said he loves me and ds but 'isn't happy with his life' and 'feels like he needs to live alone for a while' as we've been together since age 16 and he's never lived alone, never had the freedom to come and go as he pleases etc?!

I'm definitely not laid back about it at all. I've posted a few threads on here about it, some anonymous when I've been on the verge of going absolutely mad!

But I think I am able to start talking about it rationally now as it's a few months down the line and I realise that he's out there thinking the grass is greener - but it won't be long before he realises it isn't!

I've started to have a bit more confidence and belief in myself and realise that my wants and needs are just as important as his, and although I will try my very best to save my marriage, I now think that if/when he decides to come back, I will have to see at that time if I have enough love and respect left for him to make another go of things.

I told him this earlier this week, and surprisingly he's been round a lot more and been a lot more attentive since this discussion!

He's never hurt me before, and is genuinely havng a very bad time with some other aspects of his life, so deep down I hope that once he's willing to give our relationship 100% again, we will be able to have our happy marriage back.

(Maybe I'm just stupid and delusional though!)

as for the mid life crisis point - i agree it's not that simple!

i use the term due to dh's sudden change in character a few months (now weeks) before a major mile-stone birthday

i fear my dh may also have depression

luckily he's seen a doctor and is also having counselling - which has to be a positive thing i hope

MLS I don't think you sound at all stupid or delusional.. and I didn't mean to imply anything negative by saying you sounded "laid back". I haven't seen your other threads although I gathered there was a larger story behind your remark about what your DH is doing/saying.

In a way you can sort of understand it what men are feeling when they say/do these things (unless they are using it to go the whole hog and cheat which cannot be excused or understood; we all have a choice about what we DO if not how we FEEL!) it's just that women, generally, I think, tend to only spend a moment or two thinking "what if..." and "how different my life could have been if I'd.." but would never actually DO anything about it. (Well some do I suppose but less than men.) I think we try to be proactive and make the situation we are in better in instead of hankering after things that will not only give us a taste of something new/different, but blow the lives of other people apart in the meantime!

I think you are doing EXACTLY the right thing, for what it's worth, in presenting the attitude to DH that you are now presenting. You could also point out to him that his 'jolly jaunt' has made you realise that if you have to live your life without him, or even if you decide you should (due to his behaviour!), you now know that you could and can.. He needs to know what he's risking and in my experience, some men need that message instilling in them again and again before the penny finally drops.

But on the other hand, this may become something you will both look back on in decades to come, as a "blip".. a long marriage will generally have on or more of them, some more serious than others. Marriages need working at and have to evolve. The fairy tale rarely, if ever, exisits.

This applies to you too GetHairy, sorry for seeming to ignore you.

Good luck.

shiny thank you you've hit the nail on the head. you're spot on with everything you just said.

knowing that i can live alone and be happy is what's helped me, but i also know that i'm giving everything i can to a (previously very good) marriage, which may become stronger than ever if we can get through this.

i think you need to speak to my dh for me!

sorry for hijack GetHairy

as soon as anyone asks i can't help but pour my heart out!!

Ha, I have enough trouble with my own MLS.. how do you think I came by these "insights"?!

MLS you sound so sorted. Good for you for working through this in such a grown up way, I am full of admiration.
My DH has always been an independent sort I knew this when we married and I knew it when we had kids. He is currently off on an ice climbing holiday. Isupport his interests as he too has a boring job (actually who doesnt) and life with small kids can be a bit mundane. But from time to time I do get mad if I feel I have insufficient time or money to do my thing (usually shopping). He generally responds well.
If your DH is acting out of character then maybe worry otherwise try to come up with an arrangement where he and you have space to develop your own interests and also family life too.
Have you read the book the best a man can get by (sorry forgotten his name) about a man who leads a double life while his wife struggles with 2 small kids. Very funny and thought provoking. Trying to find a way of getting DH to read it (I don't think he can read though).

M2k, does the book have some kind of thought-provoking conclusion serving to bring home to a bloke what is important in life, then?? If so, I am off to Amazon...! I think mine has the message, but rehiteration never hurt!

The book sounds interesting - I'm happy to get him to try anything!

And trust me, I have my days where I'm definitely not sorted and some days when I just want to scream at dh and say 'grow up'! And 'I matter too'!!

But because he's seeing the doc, doing the counselling etc I feel the need to stay supportive and remember what my marriage means to me.

But I think I will add 'reading thought provoking books' to the 'things he may like to try to make him realise what an arse he's been and how much he stands to lose if he doesn't start thinking about me and our beautiful ds'!!!!

Hiya my DP has been have a mid-something crisis for around 3 years now coinciding with my dd's birth !! He has all but moved out bought himself a sports car and generally does what he wants (including other women) not that he will admit to that but I know that is the case - I am just too tired to do anything about it - maybe letting him get on with it will bring him to his senses but on the other hand if like me you just let him get on with it he may decide that he is getting the best of both worlds and carry on - I wish you so much luck with your situation as mine is driving me insane

lulu i'm not surprised your situation is driving you insane

i fully agree, and the minute I thought he was doing it purely to get the best of both worlds I'd end things - if he ever saw another woman it'd be over for me, I just couldn't cope with that

LULU you poor soul. Sometimes they are like big kids. My DH was a bit indifferent when DC werte babies but got the idea more as they grow up so fingers crossed.
The book is called " The best a man can get" by John O'Farell. Its a novel (not a self help book) and quite blokey, the author has 2 kids so knows what he's writing about.

Oh, mid life crisis my hairy arse!

Tell him to get a bloody grip, he has a family to think of instead of his stupid little self.

If he wants excitement, start throwing knives at him when he comes home, that'll get the adrenaline going.

LOL

LOL happydaddy

Wish it was that easy though!

How do blokes get away with it? "ohhhh, im in such a sad place at the moment, I never had a scalextric when i was a lad. I need to find myself".

Good, fuck off and find someone else, who'll put up with your bullshit.

Christ on a bike.

Seriously, if I started all that with my DW, she'd tell me straight - "If you don't want to be part of this family anymore, you know where the door is. If you do, then grow up and act like a responsible parent".

Shiny - you hit the nail on the head. I wrote a long post about men thinking they have a choice in these matters, but then deleted it. As a mother, I definitely do not feel I have a choice to deliberately do anything to upset my dcs. Goodness knows, they are going to have enough problems in life without me causing any knowingly. So I think most women do not even think "what if" (when do these men get the time to anyway?). We must look for the positive where we can and count our blessings, as my gran would say.