my husband and a mid life crisis

[GetHairy]

I feel like I have really gone off him just lately. He just seems to flit from one thing to another and now its work again.

He wants to change job, well he wants to contract for a company which is several hours away. It is very good money and he thinks it will lead to a 'fantastic' ( his words) permenant position. But it will also mean him being away from home or a long commute and tbh I am sick of it. I feel as though I do everything for the children myself. I feel constantly tired.

He has been unhappy with his current work situation for a while but I am just sick of his attitude. He seems to act on a whim all the time. Last week he was saying he wanted to move elsewhere again and I dont want to move anywhere or do anything. I want to settle a bit.

Its as though he constantly wants change and excitement, but its always about what he wants. He wasnt particually spoilt as a child, far from it really, so I am unsure where this attitude comes from. I am wondering whether its a mid life crisis of some sort as he is knocking on for 40.

He was even looking at sports cars last week Its all just getting on my nerves.

Please dont 'out' me btw. I have only changed my name just incase he reads it, not to protect myself iykwim. I am not sure what advice anyone can give me either, I just needed to rant

hiya lulu41

have been thinking a lot about the ultimatum thing since the discussions on here the other day

it's so difficult to decide on how to put a timescale on ending your relationship isn't it

I think the thing that's keeping me going at the moment is the fact that I know he's seeking help for his depression, seeing a doctor, and seeing counsellors. So I feel that even though what he's doing to us is horrendous, he is actually trying to put things right and he's not just out at the pub every night iyswim??

Still cannot understand why he needs to live apart and how he could leave me and the baby, but that's my main issue at the moment and something I need an answer to, sooner rather than later.

Lulu - is your husband even trying to make your relationship work, or doing anything positive that suggests he wants to make things work again?? You're being so strong, I don't know how you've coped with the situation for so long.
Do you still love him and want him back?

My situatiion I think is very different from yours I have simply let things go - his mid life crisis started as I say when DD was born (4 in July) and I think for the first couple of years I just let it slide toor tired etc etc didnt realise things were that bad. It has now just become our way of life (which even now I think is bizarre) me and the my two children live in teh family home and he stays a couple of times a week but teh rest of the time lives in his batchelor flat for want of another expression! I think he has now got what some men perceive as having his cake and eating it - he has his family life when and as it pleases him and he has his single life ie. god only know what!! I am so very sick of it all but am so scared of rocking the boat we never talk about our situation - he sends me lovely emails or txts but the reality of our situation is really nuts. Your husband sounds like he really is having a hard time depressions is a hard one but all I am saying too you is dont let it become a way of life the way I have it hurts like mad every day and I block it out with wine mainly and telling myself things could be worse!! Good luck Mylittlesar you know its great to be able to post and get some advice etc from others but its your life and you really have to do whatever is best for you and your family

Hi Gethairy

just realised from reading back your post has been hijacked - sorry about that and I hope that you are OK and things are working out for you

GetHairy I hope you're ok too??

Lulu that sounds so difficult. I guess it's whether or not you can live with your situation long term or whether you may be able to find the strength one day to tell him how his behaviour affects and upsets you and either ask for him back 100% of the time (with full committment which you deserve!) or perhaps end things completely. But as you say, you have to do what's best for you and your family - only you know that.

But it would worry me the way you're trying to block things out and say they could be worse... well maybe they could be. But actually, they could be a million times better with a man who appreciates you and gives you the love and support you deserve.

Or even perhaps being single. At least that way you wouldn't have the constant heartache of letting him go back to his single life and god knows what else, whilst you look after the family home and children and wait for his next visit. It must be soul destroying. Nobody should have to settle for living that way (if it's not what you want).

I think you're right that he really is having his cake and eating it. But like we've said, it's your life so you have to really think about what you want/need and then do what's best for you and your children. You've been incredibly strong this far so I'm sure you'll do what's best

My DP had a midlife crisis at least I think that is what it was resulting in him leaving a job he had for 18 years and becoming unemployed before finally finding a job 6 mths later. He was then made redundant and 9 mths later he got himself a new pretty well paid job but he now maons about this job a lot.

Funny thing is I am now having a mid life crisis. I think it is to do with two deaths in the family and wondering what life is all about. Difference is I have done nothing about it as I think a bit like Happy Daddy. Yo know I have two kids get on with it. Trouble is I feel unhappy. I don't want to leave my family I just want a meaningful job or to not work and look after DD. If I have to work let it be something that brings me some feeling of accomplishment.

MLS and Lulu I feel for you guys.

drosophila that's the thing isn't it, even when we find things hard we know our responsibilities and stick with them.

In your situation though, even though you're having a hard time, it's good that you can see why you're feeling this way. And if you know what's the matter at least you have a chance of putting things right!

If you and dh are both unhappy in your jobs then it's no wonder that this will affect your home life and your general happiness.

Is it possible for you to look for a new job doing something you like? Or re-train? Or change your hours to spend more time with dd?

It's a case of pot calling kettle here! I'm saying all this and I too am in a job I don't like and wish that I could either do a job I love or be with ds full time - I miss him like crazy every day I'm at work!
Sadly for me, financial reasons won't let me leave altogether. But I'm looking at taking a pay cut in a job closer to home, and am planning to negotiate some sort of flexible working. At least that way I haven't got everything I want, but I will have more time with ds, can be home in 10 minutes, may have the odd afternoon where I can get away and take him swimmng/to the park, whatever, but still bring in the money at the end of the month.

Good to see you are thinking of your needs. That's the thing isn't we probably all have a bit of a mid life crisis. What are we here for - Life is short- what's the point etc Most thinking people have these thoughts don't they but to act on them is different. I never see my kids as a trap although they no doubt are a factor in why I don't move job. I have a need to provide for them and give them financial security and not be a burden to them financially when i am older but some people , often men, see them as a trap and an inhibiting factor in their life.

I suppose the trick is to see to your own needs AND the needs of your family.

hi

lulu41 and mylittlestar your situations are very similar to mine.

i've been waiting nearly 2 years for my dh to sort himself out and resume family life with me and dd.

i would say that he is 60% depressed and 40% MLC. he is also seeing dr and taking ADs but in the last 2 years I'd say he's been home 9 months total.

he keeps promising to visit more regularly etc but recently has just stated he's only happy when he's on his own and he can't help me because he doesn't want to be here.

yesterday i went to CAB and they recommended mediation. I need to get something more formal sorted out as his abstention from parenting and lack of support is making me so tired and angry and resentful.

anyways, i contacted a local mediation service and have an appointment next week. they are writing to dh and asking him to come to the table too. mind you, he's been entirely awol for 2 weeks so who knows when he'll get the letter.

anyway, sorry, i'm rambling!

good luck to you both, really hope things work out okay for all of us - one way or another!

Hiya Paddlechick

Sorry to hear you having such a crap time too - my situation is a I keep saying bizarre its like we are togetehr but not - we dont have sex he comes home every day but only stays with us twice a week at the most and I know he is seeing other women (and I do mean plural) he carries on as if nothing has changed but we both know it has but neither of us talk about it (well not to each other I do to a close friend and maybe he does too though I doubt it). I have learned to live like this for a quiet life as his anger scares me - he has never been abusive physically but can say the most hurtful things. Maybe one day I will be really brave and start the discussion but I dont know whether it will make things better or worse - if its all out in the open will he then start to treat me like dirt - I am so scared of what the future holds - but I just carry on every day for the kids and hope that one of us is brave enough one day to sort this situation out - feel like such a coward

Paddlechick I really admire you for taking the steps to sort things out one way or another. Like Lulu, I find it so difficult to get the strength to 'rock the boat' so to speak. But my situation is quite early days compared to you two. You're both saints for what you've put up with and still managing to hold things together and be good mums.

Let us know how the mediation goes. Best of luck. I really do hope things work out.

(Hopefully we'll all be posting positive updates on this thread in the next few weeks/months.)

lulu41

i think we're both doing it tough and altho our situations are basically the same there's a lot different too.

it's taken a long time for me to get to this point and if dh were visiting more regularly etc then i probably wouldn't have done anything either.

don't be down on yourself for not wanting to rock the boat. we all have a limit of what we can deal with and i'm sure you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

for me, my hurt and anger and resentment at dh's selfishness in leaving me to deal with everything on my own whilst constantly bemoaning how miserable he is (whilst going to the pub and football and doing wtf he likes whenever he likes!) cannot be contained any longer.

when he was more communicative and would respond in times of need i was more inclined to support him. however, he is becoming more distant and more selfish and i feel myself getting more bitter. i don't want to be an angry bitter old mummy and i don't have the energy to work, look after dd and constantly bolster him up.

i just feel i need to take some control back and start making plans for a happy stable future for me and dd. i have lived in limbo for too long.

i'll also admit that i hope dh will realise i am serious and it might be enough to jolt him out of the state he is in.

MLS, i'm no saint and unfortunately i often feel like i'm a crap mummy. but it's these things that are part of the reason why i've taken action.

the best advice i have had over the last couple of years is that it really is okay to do nothing. don't let others pressure you into taking action that you are not ready for.

i am not interested in ultimatums or idle threats and i have never made the because i knew i wouldn't keep them.

i am not precluding a future with my husband, i am just trying to formally resolve some practical issues so that i can make plans for a future.

it's a horrible horrible situation to be in but we cannot control them and we cannot make them behave the way we want them to. they have to want it for themselves.....

CAT me if you'd like - we can start a mutual support group LOL.

Give me your dh's phone numbers, I'll give 'em what for!

having said all that - i still miss and love him.

but i recognise that he's not actually the person i miss at the moment.

and i don't know if he will ever be that person again tbh.

Paddle, do you think that he really misses and loves you the same? I'm not sure I could leave my dw and dd no matter how I was feeling.

well, he says he does but of course i doubt him because i couldn't leave dd either.

but if you try to get your head around the depression and it's effects it's easier to make allowances for the behaviour.

he feels he's crap. completely crap. therefore we are better off without him. on top of that he doesn't feel he deserves to be at home in a nice environment because he's behaved so badly.

he's so racked with shame and guilt for running away, for not being there when he's needed, for not providing emotionally and financially etc.

having said all that, he totally runs away and his way of "dealing" with it is by ignoring it all and living 1 day to the next without really thinking about the way his behaviour is affecting us.

he says he hates himself and what he is doing to me.

his pschiatrist has told him that he needs to do whatever he needs to do in order to be happy. he's transmuted that into a permission to go off and live on his own (altho i don't know if he's really on his own or not!) as he gets some semblence of happiness on his own.

altho he says actually it's just a freedom to be miserable rather than happiness.

self indulgent crap is what i said!

paddlechick you talk a lot of sense!

It's a very good point about not feeling pressured to do things and not issuing 'empty' ultimatums that you can't follow through. I feel exactly the same. And good for you that you finally feel the strength to move on, issue the ultimatum, and be happy to deal with the consequenses either way. We will all get to that point in our own time I'm sure. (Well I hope!)

I agree too, that the person you're (I'm) missing is the 'old' dh and isn't necessarily the person they've become. And he may never be that person again.

The complexities and lack of understanding on my part surrounding depression is the reason (excuse) that I'm prepared to keep patient and supportive... for now!

HappyDaddy - I will email you dh's phone number straight away!!

I too miss dh so much and would love nothing more for us to get back together and get things sorted. Things may never be the same again, but that's not necessarily a bad thing - things could ultimately be great (and much stronger for what we've been through). Different doesn't always mean bad

btw paddlechick - I may CAT you if that's ok? you helped me a lot on another thread (although you probably won't realise it at the moment - just want to say thank you!)

mylittlestar and paddle, apologies if I've been too flippant.

Personally, I went through a phase, when I left exw, where i felt that everyone would be better off without me around hurting them. I still went to work, paid my dues and tried to be the best dad to dd1. It didn't occur to me that I could run away from it all and just be a single lad. All I ever wanted was to be a good dad and husband, I felt like a failure but carried on with all the stuff I had before.

Some say I was depressed, too. I don't know.

mls, feel free to CAT me.

it's always good to have someone to talk to and especially someone who's had some experience.

i'm sure my RL friends/family are totally fed up with it all.

glad i helped on another thread - can't think which one tho...

HD, you may find yourself a new job as a marriage enforcer LOL!

I'm always available, very reasonable rates!

HD no need to apologise - nice to be able to have a laugh sometimes in all of this!

Does sound like you could have had depression - maybe it says something about your strength of character/values that you were able to see things differently and still reman focussed on your priorities and responsibilities.
Just some men (like my dh) find the 'bury your head in the sand' and 'run away' methods easier!

Definitely give my dh a call!!

I have to rush off shortly but paddlechick I'll CAT you over the weekend and fill you in on everything!!

HD, you haven't been flippant and if you have sometimes it's a refreshing change....

i'm over defending dh, i've done it for 2 years but it's difficult not to end up sounding like i'm justifying his behaviour when i'm just trying to get others to see a different perspective on it.

i'm not excusing it. he is behaving appallingly and some of it is truly down to being selfish and doing what he wants.

some of it is his only way to get thru the day without jumping off a bridge tho.

he does provide financially now - altho he didn't for a while. he is working and he is doing some stuff for himself like the gym and occasional football etc. he says he doesn't really enjoy it - not like he used to - but he's going thru the motions and these things help him to keep going to work etc.

as for the dad part of it - i can't explain it how he can stay away. when he's here he's 100% hands on and they adore each other.

hd, good on you for sticking it out as well. deffo you should talk to my dh i think!

MLS, am off too but will be on at home over the weekend.

watch out for the snow!

Ta, ladies.