my husband and a mid life crisis

[GetHairy]

I feel like I have really gone off him just lately. He just seems to flit from one thing to another and now its work again.

He wants to change job, well he wants to contract for a company which is several hours away. It is very good money and he thinks it will lead to a 'fantastic' ( his words) permenant position. But it will also mean him being away from home or a long commute and tbh I am sick of it. I feel as though I do everything for the children myself. I feel constantly tired.

He has been unhappy with his current work situation for a while but I am just sick of his attitude. He seems to act on a whim all the time. Last week he was saying he wanted to move elsewhere again and I dont want to move anywhere or do anything. I want to settle a bit.

Its as though he constantly wants change and excitement, but its always about what he wants. He wasnt particually spoilt as a child, far from it really, so I am unsure where this attitude comes from. I am wondering whether its a mid life crisis of some sort as he is knocking on for 40.

He was even looking at sports cars last week Its all just getting on my nerves.

Please dont 'out' me btw. I have only changed my name just incase he reads it, not to protect myself iykwim. I am not sure what advice anyone can give me either, I just needed to rant

happydaddy - but what do you do if you love someone, who previously has been an amazing husband and father, and has never hurt you in his life.

then he does something stupid, has a bad few months due to many factors in his life and has depression.

do you kick him out of your life and say grow up?

or do you support him for as long as you think is reasonable, fight to save a happy marriage and hope that your children will then grow up with both parents together, happy, and in a stronger relationship than ever before??

happydaddy not picking on you btw

i agree with your dw and until a few months ago would have been the same

but sometimes things aren't so black and white!

and some marriages are worth saving, even if they take a bit of work...

Depression puts a different spin on it and I don't pretend to know much about it.

But, WHY should all the fight and effort to keep everything together come from you? Does he forgo his responsibilites and his role as husband / father just cos he feels like it? If you were depressed, would he put up with you doing the same?

As plenty of you mums do on here, everyday, he has to take responsiblity for his own actions. You would and so should he.

Not so black and white, perhaps, but he can't just shift everything onto you and expect you to lump it.

Totally agree.

It shouldn't all come from the one person and that's whats so frustrating - feeling like I'm the only one who gives a sh* about the family and the marriage, while he deals with his issues and focuses on 'himself'.

And I can only say that I'd hope that if it was the other way round he'd support me.

Having said that - I'd never have gone off and had complete disregard for my responsibilities in the first place. So he would never need to support me in that way

I'm confused now!!

mylittlestar, you hope he'd care the same for you? He doesn't care now, so why think he would if you were in his place? My thinking is that he'd say "pull yourself together, the kids need you".

How often do we carry on, do the school run, afterschool clubs, etc fundraisers when what we really want to do is get into bed and pull the covers over our heads.

Maybe you're right.

But at least I know I'm doing what I think is best for me and my family.

Only time will tell. But at least I'll never blame myself for not giving my marriage everything I've got. Perhaps once the depression is under control I will know whether he's just taking the p* or be able to see that he genuinely wants to make up for what he's done and be the husband and father I know...

I am an eternal optmist btw!

I wasn't, for one moment, trying to suggest that you're not giving it everything.

I'm just amazed that so many blokes just assume they can sod off and do what they like, while you wait for them to get their heads straight.

I wouldnt put your life on hold for too long waiting for him to make up his mind, give yourself a deadline (maybe 3 months) then say ENOUGH - otherwise you could be strung along for years.

Obviously you want to have given the marriage your best shot but at the end of the day it takes two to tango and it cant succeed unless you both try.

GRUMPYGIRL I agree! Most days at the moment!

But we can't can we!!

Sorry can't keep up!

Yes I agree that I can't keep things on hold forever. It's hard to know when enough's enough.

To be honest, as the days go by I find it harder and harder.

Perhaps I need to find the strength to give him an ultimatum. Just not sure I'd want to hear it if it doesn't go my way!

But I guess I don't have much left to lose! Except my dignity maybe?!!

mylittlestar, you're effectively a single mum anyway. At least if he's not sorted by the ultimatum deadline, you'll not have to worry about him anymore.

Thank you for your advice and support.

I know you're right it's just so difficult and complicated.

I do feel like a single parent at the moment anyway - that's what hurts so much.

How do you go about setting a deadline on such a thing though??

I've pressured you now, sorry. I'm lucky in that I'm not in your position, it's easy for me to judge.

I guess its hard - youve been together since 16 so you havent done all the things the rest of us (who stayed single until later in life) have done. But honestly the grass isnt greener on the other side of the fence -different perhaps but no greener!

He knows you love him, he knows he can come home when he feels like it, so he gets to go off and do WHATEVER and has you to fall back on. Sooner or later you will have to move on or your self esteem will hit rock bottom - if you hang about with a welcome mat on your forehead he will just walk all over you.

You need to make sure that whilst taking care of the marriage and the children that you dont forget to take care of YOURSELF.

GetHairy are you still around?? How are things?

Hope we haven't scared you off

(Hey no worries happydaddy, I don't feel judged at all. Always happy to get other people's views who don't know us in RL and aren't clouded by knowing us and our past - really helps.)

GRUMPYGIRL I know what you're saying - I think I have come bottom of my list of priorities for a while!!

Perhaps if I make myself top of the priorities again either dh will too, or he'll leave for good. At least I'll know either way!

As long as he knows that ideally you WOULD be together and that you do love him then I think that showing him you are capable and prepared to move on without him may help him focus his prorities.

Sorry got to go pick up DS from school (apparently he has been sick)

hope ds is ok xx

GrumpyGirl - is your ds ok? Just wondering

Hes got a cold & is sick every time he is ill!

Oh no

I hope he gets better very soon xx

Thanks - trying to get them to bed now for some ME time.

hiya Mylittlestar

If you do get round to issuing an ultimatium (not sure what other words I could use!!) let me know how you get on I have been waiting for 2 years now to find the strength but it does not come - I think part of me enjoys not having him around all the time - thats always a risk too - I do wish you all the best and try to put yourself first (pot/black) LOL