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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's marrying the OW

86 replies

frieda909 · 05/04/2017 21:54

Just that really.

Haven't heard from my ex in over a year. We were together nearly ten years and he was an emotionally abusive shitbag for most of that time. I can't think of a single thing I miss about him and I kick myself every day for not getting out sooner.

Anyway, he texted me out of the blue this evening to 'just let me know' that he's getting married next month.

I didn't ask any questions but I can only assume the bride is the woman he cheated on me with, who he was 'officially' dating within weeks of our breakup. He always maintained that 'nothing happened' while we were still together, like he expects a fucking medal for being so virtuous. But even if nothing physical happened, she's the woman he was staying out until all hours with after work, conveniently 'forgetting' to mention that he was with me at the time ('it just never came up'... right Hmm) and frankly I really don't give a shit whether or not they happen to have slept together during that time. The betrayal was there either way.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm posting other than to get that little rant out of my system! I'm happy with a new partner now and know I shouldn't care what he gets up to. Just... is it too much to ask that he remain lonely and miserable while I enjoy my fabulous new life?!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 05/04/2017 21:56

Lucky lady! Hmm Glad you are happier. I wonder why he felt the need to tell you?

Bones2017 · 05/04/2017 21:56

The fact that he's text you now to let you know should speak volumes! X

highinthesky · 05/04/2017 21:58

If it is the OW, she deserves him - emotional abuse and all.

If it's not, then I feel sorry for her.

JK1773 · 05/04/2017 22:03

He can't be that happy if he's messaging you to tell you. Why is he bothered what you know and think?? What a loser

BonnyScotland · 05/04/2017 22:04

it's very telling that he texted his Ex ... of his Wedding plans ..... clearly there is nobody else cares about him enough to care either ... stay happy Lady x

Bones2017 · 05/04/2017 22:05

They're doomed already OP. You've got this. Stay strong xx

magoria · 05/04/2017 22:05

Looks like he is still trying to hurt you emotionally by texting this.

This leopard doesn't appear to have changed his spots...

Original poster
frieda909 · 05/04/2017 22:07

I know, it's the fact that he felt the need to text at all which has really pissed me off. I don't even live in the same country as him any more. There was virtually no chance of me accidentally finding out from someone else but he claimed he wanted me to 'hear it from him first'.

I don't really bear the 'OW' any ill will as he deliberately kept my presence hidden from her for as long as possible, basically while he was testing the water and trying to make up his mind about whether he wanted to end it with me.

I've had a LOT of grovelling phone calls and emails etc apologising for everything he put me through over the years, and he claims to have learned from everything and become a better man, but still... I wouldn't wish him on any wife!

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 05/04/2017 22:08

More reinforcement that it was the best thing that ever happened.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2017 22:12

ex married ow, then bizarrely named their child after my favourite boys name (used to say I would name my son that name). And wrote a card to my dc to tell them.

Think your ex sounds sad like teatface was. If he's spending his energies attempting to upset you with unprompted updates on his life. Like you give a shit.

He sounds sad and lonely to me if he feels the constant need to update you on his apparent happiness.

I've never bothered to tell ex anything about my life. Don't want him knowing anything. I also wish I'd got rid of twatface years earlier than I actually did.

balia · 05/04/2017 22:13

Obviously ignore, don't give him the satisfaction.

Obviously.

Or...just one tiny text that says...

"Sorry - who is this?"

Original poster
frieda909 · 05/04/2017 22:20

Thank you everyone, I knew you'd all make me feel better!

I have replied already. I KNOW everyone will say that no reply would have been better, and maybe it would, but I also know myself and if I hadn't replied then it would have eaten away at me and driven me crazy. Plus I know him, and he would have interpreted my silence as me being horribly upset, and I couldn't bear the thought of him thinking that.

I just sent a very lukewarm congratulations, but with absolutely no invitation for any further discussion. Didn't ask any questions, didn't tell him a single thing about my life (even though I have some exciting thing happening at work right now, and just moved in to a lovely place with my partner - the temptation to brag was strong!)

I think I might block him now. I really have no interest whatsoever in knowing what he gets up to.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 22:32

I was about to post saying that you should reply with "Who is this?" but too late. One to remember when he next gets in touch, which he will.

pipsqueak25 · 05/04/2017 22:35

the wife to be will be on here before long moaning about him and no doubt asking if she should ltb.
good for you op, it's great that things turned round for you in such a positive way. Smile

TiredCluelessMummy · 05/04/2017 22:44

Well it sounds like the grass wasn't greener after all. A man in a happy relationship doesn't contact his ex begging for forgiveness and telling her he's a changed person. And if he's marrying the love of his life, he certainly doesn't contact his ex the month before. He wouldn't even be thinking of anyone else.

Don't be pissed off. There's really no need. You're happy with a lovely guy, just moved to a nice place and work is going great. Your shitty ex is clearly as miserable as ever. Smile and then forget all about it.

Original poster
frieda909 · 05/04/2017 22:46

Thank you, pipsqueak! It's hard because I feel like such a damn cliche. Spent most of my 20s with him, being told that he didn't believe in marriage and that we didn't need to get married blah blah... then we break up and he's married to someone else in the blink of an eye. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard that story and what do you know, now I'm fucking living it.

I just wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life with him. But I also know that all the good things which have happened in the past few years might not have happened if I hadn't gone through all that first.

That poor woman is saddling herself to such a man-child! I've been thinking back to all the crap I put up with, and I was basically his live-in PA/housekeeper/mother for most of our relationship.

I know it sounds ridiculous but when I met my new partner it was a revelation to find out that he knows how to perform basic tasks like wiping down the hob and washing the bedsheets... and not only that, but he does those things of his own accord! Without being asked! Like an actual grown-up person! Imagine that. There are real-life men out there who don't make you feel like a horrible mean old nag for not wanting to live in squalor and/or spend every waking hour cleaning up after them. It was quite the revelation!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 05/04/2017 22:46

You should have sent a message... 'now go text someone who gives a fuck!'

At least you were civil.

Poor woman that marries him.

Original poster
frieda909 · 05/04/2017 22:52

A man in a happy relationship doesn't contact his ex begging for forgiveness and telling her he's a changed person.

Nope, he doesn't, does he? What's worse is at the time when I was getting all those grovelling messages, I had no idea he'd been seeing her. He gave me the impression he'd been miserable and alone that whole time. I actually felt sorry for the bastard, and horribly guilty that I'd been out slutting it up dating while he was apparently having such a tough time. And then of course I found out the truth, and that those messages had been sent while he and OW were temporarily broken up (great start to their love story, eh?)

Smile and then forget all about it.

Excellent advice Grin

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied, I can't reply individually to each of you but I am reading everything and truly grateful for your kind words!

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 06/04/2017 03:37

I'd have replied, "Wonderful news. Congratulations. You are made for each other".

TheNaze73 · 06/04/2017 07:47

Seriously OP, you've had a lucky escape. He clearly has issues, telling you that by text & getting married within a year of ending a 10 year relationship.
Just don't react to the text, which I think is what he's trying to provoke. Radio silence is far more powerful

Trollspoopglitter · 06/04/2017 08:06

Next time he texts (and there will be a next time).... I suggest you do reply with ... Is this X? (If it's obvious who it is) / sorry who is this ?

And follow up with an "Oh. I'm surprised you have my number and am puzzled why? When I wished you well on your marriage, I thought you understood that was a polite goodbye and fuck off. Well, blocking now, as politeness bypassed you."

Chops2016 · 06/04/2017 08:43

Oh my god your storysoubds just like me (minus the children). I wasted my 20s with a pathetic man-child and when I finally managed to tear myself away from him and found a man that acted like an adult it was a revelation, he had me believing men like that didn't exist! I also bitterly regret wasting my best years on him, but chalk it up to experience also nd also nd hard lesson learned.

If he texted me - now I am happily married, own my own home and have a DC - I don't know what I'd say or even if I'd reply. I probably wouldn't, although unlike your ex I think that would annoy him more than anything I could say.

Chops2016 · 06/04/2017 08:44

Sorry bad typing thereBlush

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/04/2017 09:11

Just don't reply. You've moved on with your life. He clearly hasn't if he's texting you. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction or waste time worrying if you are now happy with someone else.

contrary13 · 06/04/2017 09:36

Fuzzy - my grandparents separated in the mid-1950s, and had virtually no contact whatsoever, despite having three children together.

When my grandfather's girlfriend (the OW as it turned out, and the first of many) had their first daughter after a series of boys, he wrote to my grandmother to tell her that he had named his first-born daughter after my grandmother's dead mother! My great-grandmother had died a horrible, horrible death (untreated breast cancer in the late '30s) when my grandmother was a young child and my grandfather knew that my Gran (a) had always wanted a daughter, (b) was still grieving the death of their daughter who had died at birth, (c) had always planned on naming a daughter after her dead mother!

I didn't know my grandfather, for various reasons, but I am in touch with my aunt who was named after her father's ex-wife's dead mother. She's a lovely woman, but... even she says that my grandfather's decision (he named all of his children, their mothers didn't get any say in the matter) was very odd and more than a bit emotionally abusive/manipulative. It really hurt my grandmother. Which is what he intended, I think. Angry

My grandfather was an odd man, though. Lied to several women about his marital status, had children with all of them (I have aunts and uncles who are years younger than me), left them high and dry as he flitted between them all. My aunt-who-was-named-after-my-great-grandmother believed for years that her parents had been married, for example. Men who behave like this... they're just very peculiar. And never in a good way.

Flowers to you, OP. Sounds like you had a fortunate escape from a very odd man!

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