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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's marrying the OW

86 replies

frieda909 · 05/04/2017 21:54

Just that really.

Haven't heard from my ex in over a year. We were together nearly ten years and he was an emotionally abusive shitbag for most of that time. I can't think of a single thing I miss about him and I kick myself every day for not getting out sooner.

Anyway, he texted me out of the blue this evening to 'just let me know' that he's getting married next month.

I didn't ask any questions but I can only assume the bride is the woman he cheated on me with, who he was 'officially' dating within weeks of our breakup. He always maintained that 'nothing happened' while we were still together, like he expects a fucking medal for being so virtuous. But even if nothing physical happened, she's the woman he was staying out until all hours with after work, conveniently 'forgetting' to mention that he was with me at the time ('it just never came up'... right Hmm) and frankly I really don't give a shit whether or not they happen to have slept together during that time. The betrayal was there either way.

Anyway. I don't know why I'm posting other than to get that little rant out of my system! I'm happy with a new partner now and know I shouldn't care what he gets up to. Just... is it too much to ask that he remain lonely and miserable while I enjoy my fabulous new life?!

OP posts:
Original poster
frieda909 · 06/04/2017 09:41

I wasted my 20s with a pathetic man-child and when I finally managed to tear myself away from him and found a man that acted like an adult it was a revelation, he had me believing men like that didn't exist!

It's amazing what we get used to, isn't it?! I sometimes have to be careful not to be really patronising nowadays, as I'll sometimes still say things like 'oh my god you took the bins out?! Thank you!!' and he'll be like 'Hmm I am an adult you know'. But my ex would seriously just NEVER do that stuff.

About once ever six months my ex would announce that we really need to give the place a 'proper clean', which would inevitably mean that he'd spend hours alphabetising his CDs, or take it upon himself to empty out the entire contents of the cupboard under the stairs and 'reorganise' it while I got on with the actual cleaning. And if I tentatively complained that it was taking too long then he'd have the cheek to tell me he just had 'higher standards' than me Angry

I'm glad things worked out so well for you in the end! For me things started to look up pretty much the second I left him, I realised he'd been holding me back so much!

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 06/04/2017 10:33

Did you get married to him Frieda or not?

Just reading the bit about him telling you he didn't believe in marriage to you...

So it sounds like he's trying to twist the knife on that one.

Call me a bitter twisted bat but when he came sobbing and lonely after the break up, it sounds like a reverse action with the OW, trying to keep you on the back burner in case she blew him off.

Which if both were true, would make him a sad pathetic loser wouldn't it?

Those are always the best ones to marry, aren't they? Wink

All the best for your future with lovely sounding new DP. Flowers

mickyblueyes · 06/04/2017 10:44

"I know, it's the fact that he felt the need to text at all which has really pissed me off"

This is exactly why he did it, don't give him the headspace (Attention) he craves.

Original poster
frieda909 · 06/04/2017 10:51

No, we weren't married. I'm so glad we didn't, although at the time it was something I thought I wanted. He regularly changed his mind and would often dangle the idea that he 'might' propose soon, and the very few times when I brought it up myself he'd come back with 'oh well I was thinking about it but now you've ruined it'. Clearly rubbish.

I'm feeling ok now, I'm not going to give him any more headspace!

OP posts:
user1488723505 · 07/04/2017 09:42

You know what they say...
The man who marries the OW creates a vacancy...

Mumfun · 07/04/2017 09:56

so true user1488

0dfod · 07/04/2017 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 07/04/2017 10:36

I would thank him for leaving me because otherwise you wouldn't have found such a wonderful man who is actually a grown up and pulls his weight, is amazing in every way, best sex ever etc. And you hope that he feels the same way about his bride to be.

HarmlessChap · 07/04/2017 12:42

He's still acting like a child, either ignore him or reply saying.

OK no problem, there's no reason for you to keep me updated about you're life as we've both moved on and from the sounds of it we're both much happier now.

FreeNiki · 07/04/2017 12:43

Same here. I hope my exes marriage collapses.

plainjanine · 07/04/2017 15:00

It wouldn't surprise me if he was fishing - he fancies a bit of fun before he gets married, and though of you. What you don't know is how many other women he is extending this kind offer to as well.

If you haven't replied already, I wouldn't bother - silence is probably not what he's expecting, and doesn't give him anything back.

Original poster
frieda909 · 07/04/2017 16:46

user Ha that's brilliant! Definitely one to bear in mind.

Cricrichan That is actually how I feel! I feel like I should thank her for taking him off my hands and releasing me to be with someone so much better Grin

HarmlessChap Damn, that would have been the perfect reply. Never mind!

plainjanine He definitely won't have been hoping for anything to happen with me - I live a loooong way away now and the chances of us even crossing paths again are slim to none. But it did feel a bit like he wanted to remind me of his presence and maintain that link between us. Next time I definitely won't reply!

FreeNiki I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you're ok Flowers

OP posts:
Trich · 07/04/2017 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RubyBluesey · 08/04/2017 00:05

so he's marrying her and he told you... don't get what the big deal is?

as for creating a vacancy, not that old cliché again

Original poster
frieda909 · 08/04/2017 00:12

Ruby, I didn't say it was a big deal. I was feeling glum a few nights ago after unexpectedly hearing from the man who tormented me for years, and I posted here for support (which I got, thank you again everyone).

I'm feeling much better now so no need to drag this thread out any further, but thanks for stopping by!

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 08/04/2017 09:26

Other woman Ruby?

Original poster
frieda909 · 08/04/2017 13:27

I'm curious as to what Trich could possibly have had to say to me that was so controversial! Guess I'll never know.

Friday nights are fun around here aren't they? Grin

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 08/04/2017 13:34

It was nothing about you OP. Just a bit of a standard twat/troll post he has put on several threads this morning.

WindyBottoms · 08/04/2017 13:46

Trich was a spammer, advertising services for a private investigator. They were all over the Relationships board last night.

Original poster
frieda909 · 08/04/2017 14:44

Ha I first read that as 'Trich was a spanner'

Probably that too, eh?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/04/2017 14:49

Isn't "sorry who is this?" something that particularly gauche and idiotic teenagers do? I remember some ghastly ex friend of dd's texting that to her when they first got phones when they were about 12. Silly little twit. Dd hasn't missed that friendship one iota.

You should have replied "I'm amazed you felt the need to let me know. Hopefully you'll leave me alone now".

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2017 15:41

Why didn't you block him months and months ago?

mumofthemonsters808 · 08/04/2017 15:54

Crack open the champagne and raise a glass to the fact that he is gone, some poor soul will be legally tied to him and his shittey ways. Don't think for one minute he has changed, he will still be the same abusive twat that he was with you. The odds are she's as vile as him, as we tend to like people similar to ourselves or she may have a low threshold for what she deems is a good man.

Now is the time to concentrate upon yourself, block him you don't want to know what he's upto.Its a new dawn and new day for you.

Original poster
frieda909 · 08/04/2017 16:09

Good question Aquamarine1029. Just another way he had a hold over me, I guess!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2017 16:25

Well, that hold is OVER. He's the past and luckily so. It's your time now.

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