Please help me shift this wretched feeling

[NameWithChange]

I've name changed as outing.

I feel so sad, so wretched, jealous, miserable, tired and everything seems so uphill and hopeless.

I'm basically still going through divorce over 2 years after emotionally abusive, controlling and lying Narc DH finally left. He has made nothing easy for me or the children since. He hasn't returned divorce papers, he wouldn't tell me where he was living for months so I couldn't start the divorce process, didn't see the DCs as arranged and then took ME to Court on a bed of lies saying that I had denied access.

Anyway, we have a contact agreement - that he isn't exactly sticking to and getting his family to do most of. One DC won't see him at all. The situation is hard.

He has a new girlfriend. It has been going on since before Christmas and he has included her in all access visits telling DC that she was his brothers gf at first, then 'just a friend' he introduced my DC to her family, he has now finally admitted she is a gf. My poor young DC felt very messed around and lied to and told me he didn't trust his df anymore.

I thought it would be better now in the sense that he would want out of this marriage and move on, stop obsessing with me, but no, no sign of that at all.

Please help with with some positive outlooks. When will this get better? I am exhausted with work, running the home and constant childcare. I feel like I have been running on empty for years. Most friends are married and we have drifted apart - mainly because I never have any time to see them and they just don't 'get' my situation. I feel so alone.

And this is the Head F at the moment - I feel jealous! I keep thinking of them together and it makes me feel wretched. Why is this? I don't love him, can't even hear his voice without my stomach turning (I have gone NC as much as possible), our sex life was awful for years - this man was completely incapable of making anyone else feel good. I don't want him back in any way shape or form, why do I feel so jealous? How do I stop it? It's driving me insane

I also can't believe how any sane woman would want to get involved with him - I know he must be lying about everything but that drives me nuts too! How can he get away with it? Where is the justice?

Thanks so much for reading.

Springy I just watched Line of Duty to take my mind off it all. It worked.

You are the most effective (and appreciated) hand holder and back up Wonder Woman I know. Thank you.

STBXH has given my (left out) DC his Christmas present. It's April the 14th. He lives round the corner and has had hundreds of opportunities to give it before now and many requests. Youngest DC is impressed and says that's very kind of him. I can't tell you how many hundreds of pounds it has cost me in Solicitors correspondence asking for him to do this and behave decently. Kids are easily bought eh? It hurts.

Wow what an amazing thread. So much great advice from so many wise MNers.

OP you're a truly strong woman. It sounds like you're doing incredibly well both for yourself and your DC. Don't underestimate yourself. I don't have any advice to add but this is one of the most positive threads I've read recently on here and I just felt the need to say so.

I'm place marketing this fantastic thread as I know I'm going to need it in future. I'm currently putting my ducks in a row ready to leave my very own special narc - the one that's been shagging prostitutes for 30 years.....

Hi op, wondering if this was the thread springydaffs was meaning. If not it might still be of use anyway. Just remember disengage, disengage, disengage until there's only a tiny line if communication open for organising DC contact. I know it's infuriating but when I stopped showing mine that it bothered me and became emotionally flat towards him he got bored and my DS wasn't a useful pawn anymore. That sick jealous feeling will definitely go, give yourself time to grieve what wasn't. It's a head fuck for sure but the good news is you're not the sick one and your DC have you as their rock. They'll work out who's the fickle one in time..x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2866348-Stock-phrases-for-dealing-with-narcissists

Thank you.

It is very hard to disengage when he has refused to resolve the financial side of our divorce for nearly 3 years - and is now suggesting (against all assurances to me and my family as he moved into MY home and provided nothing) that he wants us out of the house and to take his pound of flesh.

I couldn't have given that man more - and he probably couldn't have given me less, I even paid for my own engagement ring (I know, I know) Seems he will be happy to see me and my DCs out of the street while his family continue to pay for everything in his life.

My legal fees are already huge.

No wonder I feel physically sick anywhere near him.

Sorry I meant disengage internally, so he doesn't get to see how you feel. I know you have to deal with him, speak to him etc. until the finances are sorted and don't they just love that power. I guess all you can do is us legal channels and communicate the strict minimum to him. You'll have to grit your teeth, it sucks truly.

I paid for my engagement ring too...promptly lost it on the honeymoon when he morphed into a flirty, violent twat..got myself another one as soooo wanted to believe he wasn't an unreliable, cheating snake charmer..but he was.

In the divorce he took all my savings after living the high life on my salary and fannying around part time when he had options for better. I felt so sick in his company during that time and lost so much weight I got ill.

And yet. I learnt so much and that's why I'm convinced you can find a way to feel at least emotionally free as that's the one thing he can't touch. Even if it's hugely unfair and only natural to want justice, decent behaviour. They can't do it.

My ex took my money, isolated me from my friends (they all came back) and gaslighted me into an empty shell when I'd been a joyful person (comes back too). BUT..when I look at him now (rarely but sometimes have to for DC) I can see he's not happy in any way or form. The latest gf left months ago, he's fallen out with half his family and has never had true friends anyway. His DC are happier with me and have seen through the bullshit and empty promises (actions speak louder?)...he has left me in a financial mess but I'll slowly get there.

Point is, he can't get to me anymore and that is a huge victory that money can't buy. Every now and then he'll let DC down and I'll feel crap for a few hours but that's it.

As someone said on another thread, all you can do is focus on the here and now. Get as much rl support and dc hugs as you can.

The money thing really resonates by the way and I truly know that sick feeling well. They're toxic, dishonest people so only natural to have a physical reaction I think. Makes me so angry how much head space they take up.

I could have written your first post op

I didn't want my exh either but was consumed with rage , that they ( there was more than one) was getting all the nice bits of him while I got all the shit.

I got my day in court though. I did very well in the divorce and I also got to see that he cheated on her two.
His form E showed two payments to dating for parents website.

He was 55 and a grandad of two. He was looking for women in 20s, 30s and 40s then.

Was he going to share baby snaps with them?

There's times a bit of me would love his second wife to know she wasn't the only one but at the time I didn't want anything to stop the divorce either.

Thanks my sinking heart (literally) I'm hanging in to your every word.

Downer I haven't filled out a Form E because he just asked me to fill out a spreadsheet for his solicitor and bank statements etc, which I did. He said he wouldn't ever take me to Court. I understand I have to fill out a Form E if - when - we end up there, will it all be the same stuff and bank statements at that time? I know it will be months from now when we get there and I will be much more overdrawn then.

Yes all bank stuff statements. List of assets, car etc savings

This is the bit that anyone not wanting to pay their fair share tries to fudge the figures.

Outgoings
A projection of future expenditure

My ex thought he was going to live like a sheik in his new move to Dubai in his projection of expenses.
His new company met a lot of those expenses

Twat!

Said this before on mn but time to activate your inner warrior op. Quietly determined. Resign yourself to not getting honesty from his corner. Focus on the paperwork, the practicalities, in the here and now. Shrink him in your mind until he's teeny tiny like the empathy region of his brain.

Inner warrior is flagging a bit. Discovered that he hadn't really wanted mediation, he had wanted the bit of paper to show he had tried so he could take me Court to try to force us out of our home. Court date is now set and I have all the Form E shit to fill out. I know from previous correspondence via solicitors that he has thousands of pounds in savings (knew nothing of this when we were together and he fed off me). I wonder if he is going to have the balls to hide it all for Court. I'm guessing the answer is that he will as he has been honest about nothing so far.

My dc's are suffering quite badly from anxiety, both schools have called me in and talked about this. They have been supportive of me and the situation but I feel so powerless to improve DCs lives when all I am doing is working, cleaning, shopping etc and fighting just to get through one day to the next. I have no opportunity to socialise as 24/7 childcare, my parents aren't well so I can't lean on them any more. I have drifted away from most friends - I don't have the emotional energy to be a good friend anyway, I can't even be arsed with the small talk at the school gates.

Is this what breakdown looks like do you think? I feel like a little hedgehog curled up. Should I speak to Dr ? Is there any point? I feel I'm flat up against a brick wall and there is no chink of light anywhere ahead. I just don't know how I can get through the whole Court process again, or be forced to sell and rehouse my already stressed out and traumatised DCs. Will it get easier at any point? Any wise words appreciated, you guys are my only real contact right now:

Anyone?