Please help me shift this wretched feeling

[NameWithChange]

I've name changed as outing.

I feel so sad, so wretched, jealous, miserable, tired and everything seems so uphill and hopeless.

I'm basically still going through divorce over 2 years after emotionally abusive, controlling and lying Narc DH finally left. He has made nothing easy for me or the children since. He hasn't returned divorce papers, he wouldn't tell me where he was living for months so I couldn't start the divorce process, didn't see the DCs as arranged and then took ME to Court on a bed of lies saying that I had denied access.

Anyway, we have a contact agreement - that he isn't exactly sticking to and getting his family to do most of. One DC won't see him at all. The situation is hard.

He has a new girlfriend. It has been going on since before Christmas and he has included her in all access visits telling DC that she was his brothers gf at first, then 'just a friend' he introduced my DC to her family, he has now finally admitted she is a gf. My poor young DC felt very messed around and lied to and told me he didn't trust his df anymore.

I thought it would be better now in the sense that he would want out of this marriage and move on, stop obsessing with me, but no, no sign of that at all.

Please help with with some positive outlooks. When will this get better? I am exhausted with work, running the home and constant childcare. I feel like I have been running on empty for years. Most friends are married and we have drifted apart - mainly because I never have any time to see them and they just don't 'get' my situation. I feel so alone.

And this is the Head F at the moment - I feel jealous! I keep thinking of them together and it makes me feel wretched. Why is this? I don't love him, can't even hear his voice without my stomach turning (I have gone NC as much as possible), our sex life was awful for years - this man was completely incapable of making anyone else feel good. I don't want him back in any way shape or form, why do I feel so jealous? How do I stop it? It's driving me insane

I also can't believe how any sane woman would want to get involved with him - I know he must be lying about everything but that drives me nuts too! How can he get away with it? Where is the justice?

Thanks so much for reading.

Haha - help a bit, not a nit! Oh dear...

Op

Forgive me if I'm missing something but why are you even considering in relying on him for CC?

Why not create your own independent routine where he is not involved?

Never discuss him with the DC just smile and nod (unless he's abusing them)

Communicate by email only and keep everything he says to keep as evidence.

Stop chasing your divorce. He loves it.

Start looking at what you can do to improve your own life - find s sitter? Re connect with old friends?

After two years looking back at the past still isn't healthy - your emotions are still heavily tied up with him. Analysing the past after two years won't necessarily help you.

It wasnt jealousy really it was resentment at the unfairness of it all. I knew she was having the best of him, and my early years with the best of him were the happiest ever, whilst I was dealing with the worst of him.

PP this has really hit the nail on the head for me. Im only 7 weeks in and have been feeling jealous, but what youve said is so true.

Im left wondering whether he'll still pay what he's agreed every month, and cuddling my little boy while he sobs his heart out that daddys not turned up again. She's got the carefree, fun loving, laugh a minute, romantic version that I used to know.

Where is the justice. Some days I just despair.

Oh Cary. What a tosser. And really what a loss - for him.

It helps so much to have info from people who have been down the same lonely road. Thank you for sharing. I am just so happy you are free of him!! And she has ended up with just what she deserved. It is quite funny how the betrayed and (almost) destroyed wife often ends up having the last laugh.

Quite. I'm not relying on him at all. I have 3 other people to look after (including one little DC who will see him) I have 2 jobs and obviously run the home etc. I get further pressure on me when he messes up contact with the one child. Or throws emotional bombs from the sidelines while I am frantically juggling all aspects of our lives.

All I care about at the moment is my children and their emotional well being. They have been through a very tough time with him. I just want it over and some structure, routine and nice things in their lives. I am forever grateful they are no longer living with our horrible relationship or being pulled around emotionally in their own home by his games. It really was hell on earth trying to get him to leave, he is the most obsessive person I have ever met.

I have really taken on board so much of the wonderful advice on this thread. Springy I can't believe you made a mess of it, you sound so grounded and have clearly come out of the other side strongly. I can't thank you enough for the things you have said.

I couldn't read and run,
my ex (after years of being apart) still try's to rub in my face how happy he is with his fiancé and new baby. They've even moved to my road!

These men are narcissistic. The partners are probably vulnerable or heard such awful things about us that they think they're being supportive by joining in...

We just need to remember that it's not so much about the ex but more about how unfair it feels that they get to move on and be happy. They want us hurting because they thrive off the control and impact they have on us because deep down they're not happy.

The best revenge you can have is being happy with yourself and your children. Get things booked in to look forward to x treat yourself to a massage x get a good self help book to read in the park on a sunny day x be kind to yourself..

I doubt they'll last and if they do good luck to them because it sounds like she's gonna need it!

Honestly I do kinda understand because since my ex has moved near me it consumes my every thought/action etc. I'm constantly thinking I'm going to bump into them. They take their baby to where WE used to go.. to my local newsagents and no doubt our son's school etc. It's hard and I feel like a psycho for being so bothered!

My ex hasn't paid 1 penny towards our son for nearly 10 years. And when I see them together they look as happy as Larry almost euphoric.

Remember the best revenge is being happy and NOT LETTING HIM GET TO YOU x stay strong you've go this x good luck x

Oh My God jules that sounds truly awful. I don't think I could bear that.

Never fear, you will have the last laugh. What a tosser.

Oh but they are happy. Simply because they are quite, quite dead. Everything is monochrome with them, they plain don't get nuance.

See, once you realise he is in a whole different league, you realise the whole shebang is waaaay beyond anything reasonable or sensible or decent or NORMAL. Ie normal rules or expectations don't apply. It's quite a headfuck how someone can be entirely not present in the land of the living but it does give us a lot of scope in a way. As i said above, he will NEVER come good - he is incapable of it. We, meanwhile, are ALIVE. Wow.

Even though the result for us is a drastically reduced horizon on occasion, we can still bloom where we're planted. Having someone like this in our lives is a bit like a disability (hope I don't offend with that analogy): it narrows our lives up to a point. And, frankly, there's not much we can do about it, at least while the kids are growing up. We have to accept it - so what are we going to do with it? Short of them sloughing off their mortal coil [tempting...] we're stuck with them - and their endless games and stunts and bombs - for the foreseeable.

So is it going to destroy us or be the grit in the shell? There's something to be said for triumphing over adversity. The temptation is to triumph to 'show him' - waste of time: not only entirely dead but entirely blind.

Best to triumph for your own sake - and those precious little ones. It's quite exciting really. Sort of.

Thanks purple x

It's pretty horrendous TBH but I can't afford to move so looks like I've got to just accept it and try to gain strength from it.

The worst part is she's in on it too. Smirks every time she sees me. It's actually quite hurtful as all I've done is single handidly raised his son whilst he took drugs and went to prison...

Anyway it could be worse.. oh no wait, no it couldn't 🙈

Sorry to go on but - people like him are predictable. You could set your clock by them in a skewed way.

Eg if I wanted the kids back late I'd ask him to bring them back early. Worked EVERY TIME!

You just have to work out the code - then exploit it to get what you want. He has left you endless clues what he will do, how he operates, only you've been looking in the wrong direction: the decent fair honest direction. He's not there.

Wow, talk about a lightning bolt moment ⚡️

You are totally right!

No all I need to do is play them at their own game... but how 🤔

Springydaffs your words might well change my life - you are a revelation

I can only say I've learnt all this the haaaaard way

I do need to say that although there is an element to this dynamic we have no control over, what we do have control over we should use. Eg the courts. My ex was nailed down fingers, toes, bollocks by the judicial system at my instigation. Eg court orders etc.

There is some brilliant advice here. I have found NC has worked amazingly for me and I have felt so much better since doing it. I feel empowered and happy, my Children are extremely content and our relationship is better than ever. I have just sat back and let my ex husband mess everything up for himself - no kicking or screaming required from me. He has shown his true colours to our children and they realise where their Fathers priorities are (with his new girlfriend) In fact I have found my happiness and indifference towards him upsets him even more (an added bonus to me). He absolutely thrived on the attention from me whether it was positive or negative - so he's a little confused by it all now! He has protested to me in the past that he is really happy now with the OW, at the time this really upset me. I now know that this is a lie and I am glad - a sham. Long may his unhappiness and regret continue. I've had to fight for everything I've got because of his behaviour including my sanity! So why should he have an easy ride. I hope the OW is very content with a mentally unstable, cheating, emotionally and physically abusive dead beat father! What a prize - tbh I couldn't think of a more deserving recipient.

Jules it really could be worse. You could be with him. Please hold onto that feeling as you past them in the street that you are returning towards your life, controlled by only you, all that you want it to be. The opportunities are endless. What is she walking towards?

Springy you are inspirational and the slant you have perceived things from is very useful for reality checks. The only thing you say that doesn't ring true for me is the Court system. We gained nothing that way at all. STBXH lied. Bare faced. Manipulated, twisted and calmly lied. In my experience emotional abusers can slip under the radar, couple that with a 'look you straight in the eye and lie' technique and Court is a waste of time. It was actually another issue for me to deal with that this panel of old ladies (QCs?) were taken in my his bullshit. I was naive - I really was, I thought at the end of the day the fact we were in Court would mean he would be honest. It made no difference at all.

I just wanted to say that this is an excellent thread. I could have written all ops posts myself. So, so sad.

Where are you now ferris? Is life any easier/better?

You have to give up all ideas of fairness, honesty, truth. They just don't exist with someone like this and it's you who gets destroyed by insisting on them, hankering and pining after them. You have to give them up and see what's left (a LOT).

I posted above (but with too much personal information) that I also fell foul of a female QC of a certain age who was entirely taken in by smooth, seamless, charming ex. That was certainly one of the lowest, most humiliating, points of the process..

What i mean are court orders etc. A female solicitor experienced in DV will be behind you and knows how to limit our ex's gargantuan control issues using legal means. I say limit bcs, with even the best representation, this is the best we can hope for. We can't stop them altogether. Far from it, sadly.

springy, you speak such wise words and your advice and insight on here is amazing. Listen to springy, OP. I get exactly what she means and she's spot on. You are credited him where no credit has been earned. What I mean is you are assuming traits like decency, honesty and integrity exist where they don't. The day I realised that my ex had no moral compass, and not a shred of empathy towards me and his kids was a painful one. It meant I had been wrong, I had attributed qualities to him that he never actually had. But it was a good day too, because the blinkers were off, the scales fell away and I started to deal with the real him. And he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.

I wonder if on some level you are still blaming yourself for the abuse, by wondering if another 'better' woman would be able to be in a relationship with him without 'inciting' that behaviour.

Obviously you also know in your rational mind that he's awful and that it's his fault, but it feels as if maybe you have some irrational self-blame (which is very typical for people who have been victims of emotional abuse and essentially encouraged to feel it is their fault by the abuser).

Well done you for being strong and getting out and rebuilding your life, despite the continued abuse he's tried to throw at you.

Unfortunately the sad truth is that this poor woman he's now with is highly likely to be subjected to the same behaviour that you were, either now or in future.

Namewithchange It's such a common dynamic, believe me! You need some alleviation from bearing the emotional brunt of all this. Anything you can do that's for you will help. You need to get a sense of autonomy back. It really will help. Just small steps at first. The more you know yourself, the less you'll question the intentions of others.

It's true about not knowing myself. I got lost with him. So lost. Every gut instinct was denied. I said for years 'this isn't love' but he honestly convinced everyone he was wonderful, loving and I was difficult and angry. We had Counselling together for quite a while (he thought the first one was wrong, and the 2nd one actually washed her hands of us and stopped. It was immediately clear to both of them he could not be trusted and every thing they suggested he put in place to rebuild trust he didn't do. It was like slow long drawn out torture with him begging and crying for 'just one more chance' and me feeling the bad guy for being so repulsed by him and all his lies.

I have moved on a lot. I think this new dynamic with new gf threw me back a bit. Him on his Disney Days with her and 1 DC, me at home still struggling on. Never a chance to afford or create much of a Disney moment - just on the slog through the day with everyone.

Well, when we're in the beam, the good beam, of an arch manipulator it is impossibly heady and seductive. Like emotional heroin. Mighty hard when that is withdrawn ; why you fought and fought to get it back. Why you're struggling that someone else is /could be experiencing the full blast of his seduction..

Hard as it is, you were seduced. Groomed? Whatever, it was fake, which is hard to take. Have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans who is good on recovering from narcissistic abuse - the good and the bad side. She's a bit woo but who gives a fuck, she's addressing it.

Sadly, we get the impossibly heady and seductive good for a short burst which hooks us in, followed by the very bad which fucks us right up - and continues, like a train, relentlessly on, never changing or fluctuating, always BAD. We hope it will change, evolve, but it never does: always shockingly bad.

They are disordered people and we got hooked into their net. It's possible to get out tho it takes a lot of work. The very last thing, on paper, you need to be feeling is jealous of him or her. They are both in a desperate position, whereas you are free xx