Please help me shift this wretched feeling

[NameWithChange]

I've name changed as outing.

I feel so sad, so wretched, jealous, miserable, tired and everything seems so uphill and hopeless.

I'm basically still going through divorce over 2 years after emotionally abusive, controlling and lying Narc DH finally left. He has made nothing easy for me or the children since. He hasn't returned divorce papers, he wouldn't tell me where he was living for months so I couldn't start the divorce process, didn't see the DCs as arranged and then took ME to Court on a bed of lies saying that I had denied access.

Anyway, we have a contact agreement - that he isn't exactly sticking to and getting his family to do most of. One DC won't see him at all. The situation is hard.

He has a new girlfriend. It has been going on since before Christmas and he has included her in all access visits telling DC that she was his brothers gf at first, then 'just a friend' he introduced my DC to her family, he has now finally admitted she is a gf. My poor young DC felt very messed around and lied to and told me he didn't trust his df anymore.

I thought it would be better now in the sense that he would want out of this marriage and move on, stop obsessing with me, but no, no sign of that at all.

Please help with with some positive outlooks. When will this get better? I am exhausted with work, running the home and constant childcare. I feel like I have been running on empty for years. Most friends are married and we have drifted apart - mainly because I never have any time to see them and they just don't 'get' my situation. I feel so alone.

And this is the Head F at the moment - I feel jealous! I keep thinking of them together and it makes me feel wretched. Why is this? I don't love him, can't even hear his voice without my stomach turning (I have gone NC as much as possible), our sex life was awful for years - this man was completely incapable of making anyone else feel good. I don't want him back in any way shape or form, why do I feel so jealous? How do I stop it? It's driving me insane

I also can't believe how any sane woman would want to get involved with him - I know he must be lying about everything but that drives me nuts too! How can he get away with it? Where is the justice?

Thanks so much for reading.

Don't forget to grieve.

It's tempting to do all this in your head: ' if I can just get my head straight I'll be fine '. There's a great deal we can do in our head (eg the Freedom Programme, Melanie Tonia Evans, Lundy Bancroft, Susan Forward etc) but ultimately it's not quite enough to tip these monsters out of our soul: we have to go beneath the surface and grieve

Groomed is an extremely appropriate word springy. It has been said to me by a friend that he is also grooming our youngest DC by rushing him into this wonderful new relationship and plying him with gifts while filling his head with lies and manipulations.

I know he's with her this weekend, and I had that fleeting moment of jealousy while they relax/sleep in, treat themselves and float around happily in the early stages of a relationship - while I am here cleaning, worrying about bills, breaking up DC squabbles etc. And then I thought would I change it? Would I swap? NEVER EVER! I have my beautiful DCs, their love is far more genuine than anything he will be experiencing now. They need me. Really, honestly, genuinely need me, for all the right reasons.

And I am almost free, he is trying to steel my house from us (mine - I bought it) and he is dragging me and my lovely parents through hell to try and do it. I just have to find the strength from somewhere to keep fighting a little bit more. One day at a time.

Dear God this khama can't come quick enough.

Springy I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words. They are giving me a much needed support, and offering the first ray of hope I have felt for years.

Not forgetting everyone else, each account adds a little bit more to my strength. Thank you all so much.

Yes, gratitude is a brilliant antidote to dissatisfaction - even entirely warranted 'dissatisfaction' re rage at gross unfairness, fear at being skinned alive (re the house).

As cheesy as it appears, gratitude really, really works. Eg a gratitude list, even a gratitude meditation. It doesn't have to be the big things - though that helps lol - but the small things. Eg I complain and fret about my manky carpets but, hey, I have a house to put them in.

When there are very challenging things in our lives I'd say it's essential to regularly stop and make it a practise, a discipline, to tot up, focus, even temporarily, on the good things. There are so many. It's easy to get snowed under the deluge when faced with the bad stuff, got to balance out our focus somehow.

If you're like me I've cringed at doing this. But it really does work. It's a revelation.

I managed to do a Mindfulness course. It was a bit 100% the other direction but had SO many useful strategies and points. I have a list of mediations to listen to. I rarely find the time but I will prioritise that - it only brings calm, kindness and rationale to things. I need to suck myself out of his negative spiral. From my soul. Thank you.

'I have my beautiful DCs, their love is far more genuine than anything he will be experiencing right now.'

Hold that thought, that certainty: it is a fact. You have a struggle with the practical stuff, I spent many a sleepless night fretting over financial stuff, house repairs etc. But apologies for the cheesy cliche, if I learnt one thing it was that the things that money can't buy, my kids unwavering love, my parents quiet steady support, are priceless.

Ex has the fancy house, holidays abroad, new car, latest gadgets...so what? He has an empty soul, his kids are virtually indifferent towards him, he is incapable and devoid of empathy and true love.

Like you, I wouldn't swap my life for his. I truly believe that ex being with OW is a good thing because it means that for now at least, neither of them can destroy any more lives. Ex will always search for something that doesn't exist, so he's trying to spend money to fill the void. He doesn't see that the void is in him, and sadly I doubt he ever will. Accepting that for me was hard, but so liberating too.

Great post Cary.

A gratitude 'list' can take a moment - of just stopping and reframing, of totting up just a few things that are good, that I'm grateful I have. It's a kind of training. You can build training so it becomes part of you. It goes some way to turning around the ocean liner.

Sometimes - dark times - I can't think of anything to be grateful for. That song 'got my head, got my toes, got my fingers, got my nose' is good. I just sing it lol.

Sorry to go on - again! - but imo a gratitude list isn't a means to blank out the pain. It's not a jolly thing to facilitate denial. It just does bring a balance that not everything is bad and hopeless. It helps me to sit with, even just for a moment, the thing that is good, that works, that is a gift.

Sorry about this - but feel the gratitude, not just think it. Otherwise it's just a tick list you beat yourself up with. So, I think about my toes, how grateful I am I have toes, imagine not having toes, how literally destabilising that would be ; then look at them and think wow, I didn't even ask for them and there they are, doing their thing even tho I ignore them most of the time except for nail varnish. Wow, glad I got my toes.

Strong ladies on this thread, its been so helpful to read

Springy more wisdom. Good advice.

Hi friends,

I have escaped for a couple of days (daren't call it a holiday) just a change of scene with DCs with family by the sea.

Driving us around today, thinking deeply about the words on here and how it has lifted some of my despair, then this came on the radio:

Goose bumps. And it will be my new goto pick me up.

Oh that is wonderful.

How are you now Name?

I like the advice about the gratitude (well all the advice) - but when the DCs are in the middle of suffering it's hard to take a step back.

Hope your few days were great.

Oh I feel better, but I have behaved badly.

Got completely pulled into arguments with him and solicitors. I said how I felt and argued my corner and now I completely regret it. Waste of time and no point - and he sucked me back in again ☹️

He is arguing for us to go to mediation. Utterly pointless - been there, done that and he broke the agreement anyway. So I have been sticking to email via solicitor. Not getting anywhere though. The obsessive control and refusal to give an answer or budge a smidge on access arrangements is wearing me down.

He really has problems, doesn't he? Mediation?! What an absolute joke. You sound stunningly strong, NameWithChange. I'm amaxed at what he has put you through and you have been through a hell of a storm, but you are nearly out of the worst part.

Keep your strength, go as NC as you can with him, minimum contact only for access, be a stone wall when it comes to him. Don't talk to him except through your solicitor. The man is a wanker.

You haven't behaved badly.

You've behaved as if he was amenable to reason, which may be an error, but is not bad behaviour. He owns that.

Give yourself a break, name. It's a very specialised skill to learn how to get the 'best' out of people like this. It takes a while to adjust to relating with/to/at a shell. I used to have a checklist on the back of a kitchen cupboard to remind me what to say and do, and what not to say or do. It was there for years .

Progress, not perfection. And you have progressed. Pick yourself up, keep plugging away. Onward and upward. Rome wasn't built in a day. Etc.

I've just had a look for a checklist - someone posted one the other day on here - but couldn't find what I was looking for. But I found this, which is interesting. A checklist of sorts.

I would be interested in the checklist - having abased myself more times than I can say by continuing to engage...

Oh Jesus. Springy. Can you stop blowing my mind please ? 😉

1st time 'No amount of reasoning will work - it's best not to try, there is absolutely no reasoning with a narcissist because they think and truly believe they are right ALWAYS'

2nd time 'Do not look for logic, it does not exist in a narcissist's world. They can even seem to be delusional at times and this is because they have the undying need to be the best and right at all times'

3rd time 'Plan, but do not try to out think him, Narcissists think of scenarios far beyond what a normal mind can fathom.

4th time 'Watch out for manipulation, narcissists are master manipulators and can charm anyone that's what makes them so dangerous.

My head has gone. I need a drink.

I didn't write that checklist. Just saying

Not me, guv agree with every word of it, mind

What I remember of the checklist is to say things like "that's interesting" or, "you make a good point". This is what they want to hear - that they're especially wonderful.

Or the ubiquitous "quite" - a word, or similar meaningless fillers (eg "indeed"), 'my' narc used regularly. It isn't until afterwards you realise you've been fobbed off, lulled into a false sense of security that he understood or heard. He understood and heard not a thing: too busy thinking of his next, and the next, and the next move: checkmate.

The great thing about narcs is they have a giant blind spot. When we say "you make a good point" we are buying time, putting in a response to keep them sweet. Whereas you and I realise, in retrospect, we've been fobbed off, THEY DON'T REALISE THEY'VE BEEN FOBBED OFF. They just hear "you make a good point" and they become so engorged with self-congratulation they temporarily lose their thread. At which point you can whip in and take their king. Surreptitiously. So they don't notice.

God I want to put all this into practise but I don't know how. His crap is so overwhelming because of our beautiful DCs and the damage caused by him. He makes my skin crawl - the last time I was in the same room as him was 6 months ago in Court and I honestly don't know how I didn't throw up. The sound of his (lying) voice sends waves of nausea through me. I wish he didn't effect me and I knew a fast track out of this hell with him.

A friend said to me today that he feels we will end up in Court again for our Divorce. I dread that and said as much. His response was 'How can you not with someone who has no word or balls'. Grim and worryingly true.

All that revulsion will die down He's a wizard of oz in actuality.

How do you eat an elephant? You know the answer. Just keep going, add to your skill set bit by bit.

And also, stay in the day. This day, this one you're in. Don't be looking up at the mountainous terrain (or back at the horror) because you'll get totally overwhelmed. Live each day as it comes: stay in that day. Today you're fed and clothed and warm, your kids are fed and clothed and warm. You're safe. In actuality, he is largely out of your life ie his physical presence is out of your life.

The trauma just will unfold - let it roll through. The worst is behind you

Get some kip