Please help me shift this wretched feeling

[NameWithChange]

I've name changed as outing.

I feel so sad, so wretched, jealous, miserable, tired and everything seems so uphill and hopeless.

I'm basically still going through divorce over 2 years after emotionally abusive, controlling and lying Narc DH finally left. He has made nothing easy for me or the children since. He hasn't returned divorce papers, he wouldn't tell me where he was living for months so I couldn't start the divorce process, didn't see the DCs as arranged and then took ME to Court on a bed of lies saying that I had denied access.

Anyway, we have a contact agreement - that he isn't exactly sticking to and getting his family to do most of. One DC won't see him at all. The situation is hard.

He has a new girlfriend. It has been going on since before Christmas and he has included her in all access visits telling DC that she was his brothers gf at first, then 'just a friend' he introduced my DC to her family, he has now finally admitted she is a gf. My poor young DC felt very messed around and lied to and told me he didn't trust his df anymore.

I thought it would be better now in the sense that he would want out of this marriage and move on, stop obsessing with me, but no, no sign of that at all.

Please help with with some positive outlooks. When will this get better? I am exhausted with work, running the home and constant childcare. I feel like I have been running on empty for years. Most friends are married and we have drifted apart - mainly because I never have any time to see them and they just don't 'get' my situation. I feel so alone.

And this is the Head F at the moment - I feel jealous! I keep thinking of them together and it makes me feel wretched. Why is this? I don't love him, can't even hear his voice without my stomach turning (I have gone NC as much as possible), our sex life was awful for years - this man was completely incapable of making anyone else feel good. I don't want him back in any way shape or form, why do I feel so jealous? How do I stop it? It's driving me insane

I also can't believe how any sane woman would want to get involved with him - I know he must be lying about everything but that drives me nuts too! How can he get away with it? Where is the justice?

Thanks so much for reading.

Can you put the brakes on little DC's contact a bit? It surely cannot be doing either of your DC any good at all.

Oh how I wish that too! It is all over the place, He will not let it be stable and routine (because I have asked for that so of course he won't do it) and even the Court agreed times he is not sticking to so youngest DC never knows who is collecting him or taking him to school on days his DF is supposed to.

I am looking into a return to Court and even though the emotional angst will be high I think overall I would feel better as the current access arrangement was based on a complete bed of (his) lies.

He told the Court that he could arrange his work around any pick ups. That hasn't happened at all. I knew it wouldn't.

The damage done to my eldest DC is immeasurable, ultimately I think DC is better of not seeing him - although I always fought for that before.

Get back to court. Keep a diary of all the agreements broken!

Jesus OP I feel so sorry for your DC and you. These men have the empathy bit of their brain missing.
I know exactly how you feel, my narc STBXH is playing happy families with his new girlfriend and her kids whilst treating me like shit. My youngest DD is now "BFFs" with her daughter and he is playing super dad. He used the kids as bait to get DD to accept the new GF. It's disgusting.

OP is he paying maintenance? If not please pursue this doggedly!

Recommend you get a cleaner who can also do a few loads of washing/ironing once or twice a week. To take some of the domestic drudge pressure off. A few hours a week is not too pricey when you consider the benefits in terms of your time which is so limited and also your mental health. If you're concerned about a cleaner coming in when you're not there find one who will come when you are in so you can get to know them a bit!

Karma thanks for the message. You are so right on the Love Bombing front. I was so gullible. He was a man of many words and very few actions

His gf doesn't have kids - I think that was another poster but yes, the happy family thing doesn't last long and I cling to that while I am stressed out cleaning/shopping/working/taxi Mummy and he has just Disney Dad times.

It's a good idea to try some short adventures, sometimes with DCs it seems like a lot of effort for not much reward but I will try. It's sometimes a bloody lonely place. being the only adult with the DCs though wherever we are (sorry that sounds terribly self pitying, tiredness effects a lot of it I think).

Yes mysteryCat at the moment he is paying maintenance. But he has given up very lucrative part-time work he has done for years and also changed his full time employment for less salary (informed my 4 year old of these facts rather than me obviously) This is all done after 2 years of me trying to formalise a Financial Agreement and sort out joint debts - of course on his much lower income he seems keen to assess this all now.

Honestly, some of these so called Fathers are just scum. He has effected my children's lives so negatively for so long I JUST WANT RID!

I would ❤️ a cleaner, couldn't give a shit who comes in the house if they help out! I tried for a while but it just is not affordable for me now.

Hello Op best wishes to you in this awful, draining situation.

I too have a love bombing StbexH, he did that with me and is currently doing it with the young girl he left me for. He sees our dd 3 times a week including 2 overnights yet claims to all and sundry that he doesn't see her enough. His latest request is to have her for an entire week as "she is my daughter and I want to spend more time with her, as you have her all the time". Even my solicitor cannot fathom him. I love your phrase "emotional bombs" because I dread the ones I get. He claims the CSA are trying to fleece him and that he is always arguing with them, but they told me that he hasn't complied or been in touch. He is a magnificent liar and can look me in the eyes while lying, so when I tell him No or explain that the CSA is no longer my problem, he makes out he is a victim. He tells me I am bipolar when his manipulation frazzles my nerves.

The worst of this is that dd adores him and wants to spend an entire week with daddy. He openly smirks at me when she says this, and its like I'm emotionally blackmailed into letting him have dd for so long. I feel as he sees her pretty much half of the week, he shouldn't be asking for all this extra time with her. But then I realize I sound possessive. I'm just so confused. I feel like he wants to take her from me and he has said that he would get custody of her when he was angry. I know he can't but why would he want to take her from me?? I just don't know why he is so demanding of our dd.

So sorry to hijack but all that just flowed out of me, I don't have anyone to talk to about it in real life either.

So sorry to hear your tale teepish. I have a week long access on the horizon too. I was absolutely dreading it. Never been apart that long and the Disney Dad look how great a person I am in front of new gf was turning my guts thinking about it.

Someone said to me my image didn't sound like reality and I thought it through. He's never been a dad for a full week in 10 years!! I'm sure there will be the odd Disney moment, but there will also be tantrums (lots of those at the mo) and refusals to do as told and probably general disobedience because my dc with be stretched emotionally to be away from me and other DC for that long.

I don't want my dc to have a bad time of course, but it might give the wanker an idea of 24/7 parenting and help him to appreciate a tiny bit of what I do ALL the time.

I am forcing the Disney images out of my head and holding onto tantrums and silently willing a few of them in his direction.

Of course dc may well appreciate the home comforts here a little bit more too on his return so that always helps.

Teepish I also don't understand why they keep this up when they have new gf. Just Bugger Off and get on with your life! Sadly I think there is a massive shift if/when new gf gets pregnant. But sometimes that is a good thing as they finally ease up on you and all the emotional bombs.m in your direction.

With him only having sporadic access so far I suppose having them for a week is more acceptable in your situation, as bloody hard as that will be.
I just don't know what to do in mine. Everytime I come away from him I feel worthless and insignificant.

Teepish you are without question THE MOST significant person in your dc's life and don't forget that.

One day at a time. I loved what ineedmore said upthread -

Give it a couple of years...he'll lose that skin and the lizard underneath will break out for sure.

It seems like a long wait but be sure once the lizard has exposed himself again there is no going back (with that gf anyway)

Mouth moving, it's full of shit. You have to get your head around that. He will NEVER come good, or decent, or even half decent.

I say that bcs you seem to hope he will. I certainly hoped my abusive ex would eventually calm down. It didn't happen. Not till the day he died (

Let's hope so Name. I hope in a couple of years time you and your children are in a far calmer, happier place and your ex has shifted his obsession and control to his current gf. Which is an awful thing to say for her but it is inevitable surely...

Lots of strength to you.

Such a great post Springydaffs.

Ps don't let him know what you want. In big and small ways, disguise what you truly want. Don't let him know he has upset you, or has upset the kids. Hide it, disguise it. The more you show it the more clues he has on how to hurt and frustrate you - which he will use to the guilt, you've already seen that..

*use to the hilt

Thanks springy. I appreciate your insider knowledge! I really really get the exhaustion from all the mental and emotional aerobics and fighting constantly against the crap. I need to step away.

I had just twigged that he loves the reaction and getting to me. I haven't texted him for a few weeks and don't intend to.

I HUGELY struggle with the 'faking it' though. I despise liars, my kids know lying is the worst crime to commit in our home.

I have been really emotional this week, anger had faded and tears keep appearing in random places - driving to work - in the supermarket etc. I have gone years without crying at times so it really surprises me.

I need to know how to suppress them and cope with DC's tales of bullshit happy families and presents while other DC sits in the corner and feels so left out.

Supress what, the tears? No! You need to grieve - let them out, let them flow. There will be a LOT of tears..

People lie op. It's a fact of life. I don't like it either but that's what people do. He does it in spades. That's just who he is. Keep it light with the kids, don't make it the crime of the century (even tho it is): flag it up on occasion, when necessary, but in an understated, unemotional way. Kids listen to the quiet word much more than big displays of anger /upset/wrath.

Find a place to rant and rage but, in general, make sure it's someplace out of your home - so you can leave it out there and not bring it home with you. Make home a warm, safe haven for your kids, angst free xx

When I say fake it I don't mean lots of jolly, upbeat talk /brainwashing /bullshit. No, just quit talking /labouring the bad stuff. Less is more: don't mention it. Blank space where it is. Change the subject re "what's for tea?" If dc go off on the happy family shite, nod and smile, say a few oohs and has; then change the subject.

You can do it Stanley xx

Springy your advice is so sound and so right I want to screenshot it and live my life by it at the moment. Thank you.

Been there girl. Don't want you to make the mess of it I did

You've had some brilliant advice here OP.

I'll just add my experience to the mix in the hope it might help a nit.

Ex had an affair for two years pre-break up. I 'knew' in my gut but couldn't get proof, he denied till he was blue in the face. When I finally couldn't take any more, I threw him out. Twenty years married, three teenagers. He walked away, moved in quickly with OW, dusted himself down and started a new life. Just one little sentence to describe what he did. I could write a book describing the fallout for me and the kids, and I still wouldn't cover it all. I was devastated, it was like the four of us had been thrown under an emotional bus.

Priority was the kids, their wellbeing was my priority. Two took it quite badly. That first summer was spent ferrying them to counselling, wiping up tears and trying to put a brave front on it all. His first summer post break up was spent sailing around the Med.

I quickly filed for divorce, knowing it was over, and assuming because he was now living it up in his love nest with OW, it would be straightforward. How very wrong was I. He ignored letters, he stalled on every aspect of the process. What should have taken six months took twenty. I was baffled. Why do this? Because he couldn't deal with me taking control.

"This is moving too fast" and "I will decide if and when we divorce" became his stock response to my solicitor. He deliberately made a difficult process far more complex, expensive and lengthy than necessary. Why? Well, because he could for one thing but also because he was angry with me, bloody furious. He would come round to see his kids, in between many holidays, weekends away with his OW (now his open partner), concerts, etc., and the anger towards me radiated off him in waves. Why? Because I hadn't crumbled, I was coping, after the first couple of months I was actually doing well. His ego couldn't cope with how I could function without him. So he punished me by stalling on the divorce. Mad, irrational, but that's how he operated.

So, five years later and I have very little contact with him. I hardly think about him. He is still with his partner, but apparently the cracks are showing. Because he invested so much in their relationship, he's determined to stick it out, after all he gambled us, his home, his extended family on a fairy tale future with her. She has become needy, insecure, quiet and withdrawn. His laid back carefree facade has slipped to reveal the passive aggressive control freak that has always lurked beneath. Neither trusts the other, they both had an affair, what is there to trust.

Yet, in the early days OP, I felt jealous. But looking back it wasn't jealousy really; it was resentment at the unfairness of it all. I knew she was having the best of him, and my early years with the best of him were the happiest ever, whilst I was dealing with the worst of him. Also I was floored by the sheer enormity of being a single parent, a sole adult in the family home, whilst he just seemed to rewind to his late teens, with a clean slate.

I've rambled, I'm sorry. Just take this if anything: don't think about how far you have to go, think about how far you've traveled. You are doing very well. You will get your divorce and you will be happy. You're stronger than you think. And don't think for one minute he'll be the one with the happy ever after here; his behaviour already proves otherwise.

I wish you well x