Done it. Shit.

[EddSimcox]

DP and me have been seriously on the rocks for 2 years. We done therapy, we've talked, we've tried hard. During that time she's dumped me several times and I've talked her round. But I now think it's time to give up. And I told her last night. She is devastated. And I am wavering, I don't want to hurt her.

I know none of you know whether this is the right thing to do, but I just need some hand holding I think, or just to talk about it. To stick to my guns. Or admit I was wrong I don't know.

17 years, 3 DC (10-14), both women...

Fuck. What have I done?

Do you think your issues are something than can be worked on? What are they? Like not getting on? Stuff like that?

I'm just going to miss our family life together so much - the holidays, the birthdays, Christmas morning... I'm in tears just at the thought of it. But I can't live on this emotional rollercoaster. It feels like the only way to protect myself now is to shut down.

So sorry to hear your in this sad situation. How do you feel? Any sense of relief? I was with my ex-DP (also female) for 12 years but like you, the last two years were hellish. While breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, it was a huge weight lifted and I was able to breathe again.

Have you had time apart before now? What are your choices for immediate future?

Hand-holding and

Well breaking up tends to be horrible - even if it's the right thing to do and both of you know that. This bit after you make the decision can be the hardest of all, but you need to focus on what is right and what you want for the future. If your relationship is acrimonious and miserable then breaking up and starting afresh is probably right, both for you and your DC, who are no doubt fed up of living with two people who no longer get on. Many people get married to the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons, or one of you changes, or your priorities change and the relationship no longer works. Deciding to end a bad relationship is not a sign of weakness - it's the opposite. So can you really, honestly see this relationship working in the long run - for the many years of life to come? If the answer to that is 'no', then split up now, before you two cause each other and your DC any more pain.

And please don't 'shut down'. You still need to be there for your DC and you can still have happy holidays, Christmas mornings, etc, just without all the acrimony and misery for the rest of the year.

*you're

Yes I think I am a bit relieved, probably, underneath. And no I can't see us together in 10 years. But this is going to be so hard. The DC are real homey kids, they like family best, they are going to hate us both for splitting the family up, or maybe they'll just blame me - I'm sure DP will tell them it's my choice.

Short term is hard. My parents are living with us so we have no spare room, and can't sell up til they move out.
Sofas? Friends houses - taking turns? I don't know.

2 DC are at home. I'm sitting in the park. Have a work phone meeting at 10. Time to pull myself together then.

I'm about to go through something similar. Been with my dp for about 17 years with 2 DS. We've had a rocky relationship for the entire time with several temporary splits. However, I am now miserable and just cannot live with him anymore. I feel completely sick at the thought of us splitting and how it might affect the kids. Things like Xmas and weekends too...... But, what is the alternative? Keep living a miserable life and then one day wake up and realise you've wasted years with the wrong person?
Breaking up after all those years, with children, is NOT gonna be easy. In fact you have some very difficult times ahead. But you have to think of your own happiness and that you need to show your kids that is not a normal, loving relationship!

Cancelled the meeting phew. How am I going to work today? How am I going to be with the DC? I don't know how to do this.

What if she's the right one and I don't realise til it's too late?

How long have your parents been living with you?

Don't say anything you don't want to, but why is it an emotion nail roller coaster? What's the actual issue?

EddSimcox

If she is right, there is nothing from stopping you getting back together in the future. As long as you both remain decent, nothing will ever make it too late to try again.

For now you need to concentrate on today. One step at the time.

I think you're just thinking normal breakup thoughts.

Only you can decide how you feel and what you want. How about a temporary break up. Spend some time apart and see how things feel, then have a talk after. If you're just going round in circles and things aren't getting better, you need to walk away.

The key moments will be tough but, will get easier. It'll be worth it for the 50 odd other weeks though. Good luck with your future happiness

So she has form for dumping you but is devastated when you do likewise?
I wonder if the devastation is not so much to do with the thought of losing you but with losing the upper hand?

Sounds like you've given it your best shot.

Breaking-up (even when it's the right thing) is hard to do - there's no getting away from that.

Sounds like you're going to miss the dream of what it could have been. Letting go of that dream is part of the process, I'm afraid.

How about some break-up counselling for yourself? No need to stop therapy because you have gone the break-up route. Sounds like you could use the support and to work through some issues you may have about relationships.

It will get better, honestly. Stay strong

I can't really explain the issues annie - but they are pretty intractable. I was holding enough for enough stability to make a 'good enough' relationship, but we don't seem capable of that.

I suggested a temporary split seagull - but she's an all or nothing kind of person, so she said no.

pictish, yeah, maybe, that too a bit. But I do believe she really loves me. She's gone through a lot, she really is devastated.

Yes...I'm sure a taste of her own medicine isn't too sweet.

This is the worst and the hardest point. Just bear with it. You are going to feel crap and that's ok as hard and as horrible as it is. ,

What if she is the right one is just a normal thought right now. But you know deep down that she isn't or you would be together. Living on a knifes edge of unpredictability and moodiness is no way to live. Its stressful, exhausting and miserable. If you didn't feel that way too you would be with her.

The kids might well be angry but that isn't a reason to stay together so that they don't have to be angry.

Expect to feel like 10 kinds of shit at the moment and take each hour as it comes. Try not to make huge decisions because you are probably still reeling and in shock. Cut any corners that you can and be as gentle on yourself and the DC as you possibly can. Keep breathing as slowly and as evenly as possible. You can do this.

You said yourself that it's been on the rocks for the last 2 years. It sounds like she's wanted out but you've not let that happen. Now you've realised how unhappy you really are, and have acknowledged that. It sounds like a really positive step OP, and I think you need to talk to your kids and your parents so that everyone knows what is going on. Yes they will be upset, but I think that they'd be even more upset if they realised how unhappy you'd been over the last 2 years.
It's normal to panic and think what the hell have I done, you wouldn't be human otherwise. And take it one day at a time. There may be a time in the future where you can be together and it work. But not right now. And that's OK. Stay strong, go home and talk.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Edd, breakups are always painful. However, you didn't make this decision on a whim, you have tried, very hard, so it seems, to make it work. I think under these circumstances, you should stick to your guns. It is incredibly hard, not to let our emotions, cloud our vision.
You can do this, and things will settle down, given time.
Be kind to yourself Sweet, you count.

So should we tell the DC now? Before there's a plan? I sort of assumed we'd struggle on pretending whilst we work out the practical stuff and then tell them, so there's some concrete plan for them to understand. Isn't that what people recommend?

But yeah, maybe we should do it together, tonight, so it's all out in the open. That scares me most of all, because telling the DC will make it seem actually really real. Not just like every other time, a bad couple of days and a reconciliation, but like actually yes, shit, we are really going to actually split up. Terrifying.

I've recently split with my husband after a 20 year relationship, 1 DC - despite the fact that the last couple of years together have been reasonably unbearable, bordering on poisonous, it is really, really difficult to make the break because there were lots of lovely years preceding the bad times and it's easy to dwell on what might have been. It is like grieving but if you can't see yourself living that way forever, and you can't see a way of fixing the problems, then what's the point of continuing to put yourself, and your kids, through it for longer than you need to?

If it makes you feel any easier our DC (7) has been largely okay about it - upset that we are getting divorced and that his dad no longer lives with us but not nearly as much as I expected. My husband insisted that I was the one to tell DC that we were splitting and that I make it clear that it was my choice, but when I explained to DC that it was horrible for us to be arguing and cross with each other all of the time and that sometimes it's better to be two people living apart and being happy than staying together and being sad he seemed to accept that very quickly (remarkably quickly actually, which makes me think he was also tired of the arguing and the difficult atmosphere). Good luck to you whatever you decide.