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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Done it. Shit.

97 replies

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 09:27

DP and me have been seriously on the rocks for 2 years. We done therapy, we've talked, we've tried hard. During that time she's dumped me several times and I've talked her round. But I now think it's time to give up. And I told her last night. She is devastated. And I am wavering, I don't want to hurt her.

I know none of you know whether this is the right thing to do, but I just need some hand holding I think, or just to talk about it. To stick to my guns. Or admit I was wrong I don't know.

17 years, 3 DC (10-14), both women...

Fuck. What have I done?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/04/2017 10:37

💐 It's bloody hard. Especially so when you have 'home body DC'. If you genuinely think you've tried as hard as you can for two years & it's not good enough, to be enough, then you just have to stay strong through the breakup. It is very difficult though when you can't pin it on one thing (such as an affair). Re the kids, it would be monumentally unfair of her to say that 'you' are the one that wants this, so tell her that she had better not unless she wants to explain to them that she has 'dumped you' loads of times but you talked her around. You both need to tell them that as adults you aren't happy in your relationship but that you both love them very much.

Sometimes, life is shit 🍫🥃

wineoclockthanks · 03/04/2017 10:40

I know one persons experience won't be another's but it might help to know that when my parents split (I was 14) although it was horrible, deep down it was a bit of a relief.

They thought we didn't know things weren't right but we did and although we did of course miss having dad around, it was so much nicer and calmer living in a house without an underlying atmosphere of sadness and anger.

If it's possible for neither party to blame or put down the other, it does make it so much easier for the children.

I hope it goes well for you.

Obsidian77 · 03/04/2017 10:40

It's been on the rocks for 2 years. You've had counselling. You've broken up and got back together several times.
Sounds like you've given it your best and if it could be fixed it would have been by now.
Sorry, I know it's not easy but it sounds like time for you both to move on.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/04/2017 10:41

If it were me I'd hold off until you have had time to talk & decide what the plan is. Personally I think it's unfair to tell children until you can say 'This is how we feel & this is what is going to happen now'. I think kids need to know how their life is going to change, when they will see each parent, where everyone will live etc

Secretlife0fbees · 03/04/2017 10:48

I agree that you probably should have a bit of a plan in place before you tell your dc. I have a 10 yo ds and my dh left nearly 2 months ago. It wasn't a 'shock' by the time he left but he did leave quite abruptly so I had to tell him then... if you have been unhappy/arguing then they won't be completely surprised. You know your kids better than us but I would say that it's better to work out the practicalities before they're told because I think children are more scared about the unknown, how it will affect them and what things will be like. If you just tell them you don't know that yet it will cause them to feel like you're both not in control of the situation and they'll feel more insecure.
I was very matter of fact: this is what's happening which gave my ds some room to react in a secure sort of way (I think). I have kept things as consistent as I can, I've done what I said I would do and I have kept my head (in front of him) barring the odd emotional episode. I think their pain will be centred around their fear of the unknown.

FritzDonovan · 03/04/2017 10:51

Agreed ^. I think the kids would suffer more not knowing what was going on.

Wikky · 03/04/2017 10:51

Well done for being proactive and not dragging things out. You've been brave. It's never easy but sometimes you just have to make a decision. I think you need to be careful about wavering too much - that really is harmful and confusing for everyone. Some people love to analyse everything to death but I sometimes think it's better to try and look forward rather than rehashing things. You tried to make it work but it didn't. Blaming people is pointless. It's time to move on.

Now you just need to work out the best way to split so that you can remain amicable. It can be done. There is no need for it to be a awful experience for the kids.

Good luck.

PollyPerky · 03/04/2017 11:24

why are your parents living with you? Are they elderly and you are their carers? or is it for financial reasons? Without knowing the details, I'd think this could be very tricky for all marriages, though in some cultures it's more acceptable.

I think you need to sort the practicalities before you talk to your kids.

You need somewhere to live and in reality so will they (the grandparents.)

You need good legal advice because either the family home will have to be sold or your wife will live there and you and your parents will need to leave. Do you have the cash to fund this?

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 11:29

Just tried to write out what we'd say. So hard.

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vintage2403 · 03/04/2017 11:34

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I think you know that you're ready to go. I was in the same position last year, and yes, telling the children was the hardest thing to do, especially as it was my decision to leave. It actually hurt my heart, if that doesn't sound too melodramatic. My husband helped, we both knew the relationship was over, it just took one of us to make the move.

I want you to know from 8 months down the line that your children will be ok. Yes, they will be sad, angry, confused and feeling many other emotions but if you can keep the split as 'friendly' as possible and keep your hurt out of your dealings with each other that will help them massively.

It's the most difficult decision to make but you will survive it, because you have children, it's amazing how they keep you going. I've been through all the emotions you describe, letting go of the memories of all our holidays, Christmas Days and birthdays was gut wrenching but we all survived and are working out a new way to be a family. It can be done and you will make some new memories together which in time will be just as precious. For the first time ever I'm flying with my children, taking them to Amsterdam for a long weekend. I'm tackling my long standing fear of flying because I want them to be brave and face things, and I'm starting to build our new future together. You will do that too, because you love them and you will instinctively follow a new path with them.

Be kind to yourself. I see a counsellor to deal with the guilt about walking away from my 20 year relationship - we women are SO good at guilt! Keep talking to your kids, tell them that you're sad, it's ok. Let them be angry with you but don't take all the blame. My children are similar ages and we talk a lot, it's been more difficult with my 16 year old son but I keep trying and now and then he unexpectedly opens up.

Good luck, keep strong x

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 11:35

polly we're both lawyers, and we won't fight about money or the house I don't think. We just need to find a way. We'll have 50/50 shared care so we'll each need a big enough house, or we might try and keep this one and move in and out ourselves - but I think that would only work short-term. It's certainly going to be difficult financially, but not impossible.

My parents are buying a house round the corner. DM has dementia. So wherever I end up it will have to be v near here.

DP might go to the next stop on the trainline or something to get a bit of distance I suppose.

Yes, we need a proper plan before we tell the DC, or the parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 11:37

Thank you vintage that's really encouraging.

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vintage2403 · 03/04/2017 11:38

Just wanted too add, I agree with the above. Work out a plan before you tell the kids. We did, I had a house to move into and we'd sorted our finances. For the first time in my life (I'm 46) I'm relying on benefits, I'm a full time student. It's bloody terrifying but also liberating. You won't believe how strong you can be.

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 11:42

I'm 46 too.
Neither of us will be able to move until we sell though. Our only money is the equity in this house.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 03/04/2017 11:47

You don't want to hurt her, but remember that if you stay, that could be hurting her in the long term. If you waver, that could hurt her. Leaving might hurt now, but it could very well make you both a lot happier in the long term.

vintage2403 · 03/04/2017 11:52

Same here re the equity. Because I was the one who made the decision to leave my ex stayed in the family home where we'd lived for 11 years. Wasn't easy for me to find a place, I've got two big dogs too but I managed in the end. I rent for now until the house is sold which we plan on doing when my son goes to uni. Financially it's tough but I can just manage. Look into all possibilities thoroughly.

juneau · 03/04/2017 12:05

Agree a plan of action with your DP. Tell the kids asap. Stay close - you want to be as involved as possible - while separating your lives and having space. But moving to the far side of town will just make your life harder, because you'll spend forever driving back and forth. Reassure your kids it isn't their fault. They will have questions, maybe not immediately, but you and your DP need to decide what you're going to tell them about why you're splitting. Be as honest as you can. Don't slag the other one off to your DC. As far as you can, keep things civil and employ your 'professional' head. I'm sure being lawyers will help you both with that aspect of things.

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 12:22

She earns more than me. But we're in London so no way either of us could rent. We'll need 3 or 4 beds each.

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juneau · 03/04/2017 12:48

Okay, so will you all move to somewhere outside London where you can afford to buy/rent two properties?

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 13:13

No, if we sell we'll make enough to buy 2 much smaller /crappier houses/ flats near here. I really want to stay here - parents, schools, friends, church. I will be v close to where we are now if I can't keep this house. (Only other option would be to ask my parents to buy her out, but I don't think they could do that and move out, and I can't stand living with them any longer). She will maybe go a short way further out to get a slightly better house - but within a couple of miles, and easy for the DC to get to school.

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Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 13:14

She's on her way home. Aaaagh.

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Wikky · 03/04/2017 13:20

Two smaller houses close together might work. At 10-14 your kids might be happier with very flexible living arrangements and they will probably be off to Uni before you know it. I'm not sure you would each need a 'full size' family house if you see what I mean. They might prefer to alternate who goes where.

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 16:11

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. We just had another conversation and she is saying I'll regret it, that we were getting close again and that it's definitely not what she wants. I'm watching the DC playing in the back garden from an upstairs window and thinking about all the happy times we've had and wondering if I'm mad to throw it all away.

OP posts:

Original poster

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 16:14

She also thinks that for now we should just keep the house so there's limited disruption for the DC. They would stay here and we'll come and ago. We can probably negotiate access to a flat that is currently unoccupied, which we could also share - so we swap in and out of the two places on a rota and the DC keep everything as normal.

Sounds impossible long-term but it could work for a trial separation and means that if / when we do sell we will know it's really the only option. Do you think?

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Mumfun · 03/04/2017 16:20

I think it would be good to rotate in and out as a starting arrangement - for the kids stability. And good for you to see what is really like to live separately. But you have to be sure you can live in the same space consecutively -would that upset you?

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