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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done it. Shit.

97 replies

EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 09:27

DP and me have been seriously on the rocks for 2 years. We done therapy, we've talked, we've tried hard. During that time she's dumped me several times and I've talked her round. But I now think it's time to give up. And I told her last night. She is devastated. And I am wavering, I don't want to hurt her.

I know none of you know whether this is the right thing to do, but I just need some hand holding I think, or just to talk about it. To stick to my guns. Or admit I was wrong I don't know.

17 years, 3 DC (10-14), both women...

Fuck. What have I done?

OP posts:
Original poster
EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 16:27

I think it would be ok, we could have our own rooms in each - when my bloody parents move out.

OP posts:
vintage2403 · 03/04/2017 16:47

I know exactly how you feel, watching the children and thinking you're making a huge mistake. I told my husband in march but we didn't tell the children until July. In a way it gave me time to confirm I was definitely making the right choice. I still have times when I wonder if I made the right choice but that's from a rose tinted spectacles nostalgic point of view. I remember all the happy times we had together, and there were many because we had our two children together. But our relationship was wrong for such a long time, it was the right thing do. Only you know if it truly is over. Picture your future together, can you see it?

It seems to me that you've made your decision. If you really think you've exhausted all options it's time for you to move on. As mentioned before you might have to settle for a much smaller house. I left my beloved family home, which I though would break me, and moved into rented but, honestly, it's been ok. It's been nice for the children to still have the family home to go back to when they visit their Dad. Is there any way one of you could stay there for the near future to give the children some stability.

Most importantly, although you may be splitting up it's so important to present a united front. My husband agreed not to blame me, I had to tell the children but he's been very supportive since then, as have I to him. We're still friends because we love our children and although we've taken away their future as a "normal" family (whatever that is!) they can still have happy lives, just different to the one they thought. Remember that. I wish you all the best, you will come through the other side.

Original poster
EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 16:55

Thanks vintage. Crying now. But I hope you are right.

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vintage2403 · 03/04/2017 17:15

You'll do a lot of crying, but that's ok. You're letting go of a future you thought you had. It's hard but you'll get through.

Forwardsforwards · 03/04/2017 17:35

I feel your pain and recognise the sore heart description.
18 months in and doing much better. 3dcs and we spent first year on a rota in the family home, with both of us staying elsewhere in between.

Yes it was hard. I still cry, still feel pain, but that's me personally, as opposed to the situation.

I think routine and stuff to do are key for all parties. It helps to be busy, to create new traditions, and definitely removing the rose-tinted glasses.!

Very best wishes...your experiences and emotionss are normal Flowers

Original poster
EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 20:52

forwards you're the first person I've come across who's actually done the moving in and out of the family home thing. How did that work for you? Did you feel like you were still at home? Or living out of a suitcase?

OP posts:
Forwardsforwards · 03/04/2017 21:31

Bit of both. I stayed with my parents or had tea at theirs when he was at family home. Did mean we (ex and I) saw each other more than I was happy with.
However, I think it forced our hands in terms of being civil and cooperative. Which is helpful for all of us.

I suppose in hindsight it was a small price to pay.... am told the kids are doing wonderfully by outsiders....

For me, the stressors were around differing cleaning standards, having to leave the house in an agreeable state, keeping a close eye on food stocks, shampoo etc. The supposedly little things.

Don't know if that helps any, but id certainly say its worth a shot if you and your wife can accommodate being around each other more than might otherwise be the case. Id describe it as a staged separation..

Original poster
EddSimcox · 03/04/2017 21:37

Did you do 50/50? I think being half the week somewhere else every week will be mega stressful. But I guess it's a small price to pay as you say. DP says she won't want to see me. So I guess we'll swap when the DC are in school if that's possible... though we both work full time (or close). I'm also worried that her on her days she sometimes isn't home early enough - so e.g. would I be 'allowed' to fill those gaps? A lot to agree on... could be fraught.

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Cary2012 · 03/04/2017 22:13

Sorry OP, going against the grain here, but I think this rotating idea is crazy.

You sound lovely and caring and you've tried so hard to fix this. But honestly, it's over and I think a clear break is the only way. Kids are resilient and adaptable. They will be ok, if you are both ok. I think the idea of breaking up but co-sharing houses on a rota basis will achieve nothing but stress and confusion.

You need to rip the plaster off, move on and get happy. You can't move on if you're in and out of shared houses trying to juggle normal life whilst tip toeing around each other. Does that sound possible, really? Sounds like unnecessary stress to me x

Laska5772 · 03/04/2017 22:29

I agree with Cary , Also what is the situation with the DCs? You say Dp. but are you married or in a civil partnership? Is one of you more likely to get custody than the other because of legal relationship?

So sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you have tried so hard. Stay strong ..

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/04/2017 22:52

I don't think you two moving in/out is a good idea.

Of course it's not idea for children to live half the time in one house & half the time in another house, but adults doing it is entirely different again. Apart from the issues forwards raised (cleaning/shopping) there's also the two household bills and other chores like laundry. A lot of micro management if there's no continuity of residence. I'm really happy that forwards kids are doing so well 💐, but it's the exception not the norm. Then there's the emotional side. You BOTH need a new start, you've had a rough couple of years and this is going to be very bloody hard if you're sharing living space, albeit not at the same time. You need a 'home' to start fresh, not an alternating crash pad.

Your parents might be able to secure you buying her out if you can manage the mortgage?

Or could you buy 'more' house and would you cope with buying with your parents if there was a 'granny' flat?

Expectations might need to be managed too. In the nicest possible way, what you'd like (2x 4bdrm house in London) needs to be weighed against what you NEED (2x 2bdrm flat) and what money will stretch to (maybe 2x 3bdrm small terrace). It's shit, but that's life.

Mumfun · 03/04/2017 22:57

Rotating is more common in the States due to cheaper housing.

And the kids will go through a lot too. To my mind it is much better for them to have a stable home and for adults to rotate.

I think a lot of kids struggle with 50 50 and being half the time in one house and half the time in another. But maybe not politically correct to say so.

MsPavlichenko · 03/04/2017 23:04

I think that continuing to share living space might be counter productive. Even if you are not in the same place at the same time, you will effectively still be very much in each other's life albeit alternating. But still it will be very familiar.

Also, in terms of DC , it will not help them to process the change if you are simply taking a week each(or whatever) in the house that you live in together. And that's not even accounting for potential new partners etc.

I'd try proper separation, and low contact and see how that works. Less confusing for all, although scarier I know.

Original poster
EddSimcox · 04/04/2017 08:21

Thanks all. 50/50 is non-negotiable. We are both their parents, they love us both equally, and it would be unfair on both them and on us to impose a 'primary' parent now. laska We're in a CP. I am birth mum, but DP is adoptive mum so legal relationship is the same for us both. Neither of us would get into a custody or residence battle through the courts.

I am really torn about whether it's the kids who move between 2 houses, or us. I does seem fairer on them that they should be the ones who get to stay put - it's not their fault after all. Perhaps if we start with that anyway, for a short-term trial separation. Perhaps think of selling in the autumn if that is our settled intent. By then I should have sorted the house and carers etc for the parents too. annie - I really don't want to live my parents and they are too "grand" to accept a granny flat - so I've ruled out any option that involves them; but yes 2x small 3 bed terrace is the aim really in the long run I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
EddSimcox · 04/04/2017 08:21

Thanks all. 50/50 is non-negotiable. We are both their parents, they love us both equally, and it would be unfair on both them and on us to impose a 'primary' parent now. laska We're in a CP. I am birth mum, but DP is adoptive mum so legal relationship is the same for us both. Neither of us would get into a custody or residence battle through the courts.

I am really torn about whether it's the kids who move between 2 houses, or us. I does seem fairer on them that they should be the ones who get to stay put - it's not their fault after all. Perhaps if we start with that anyway, for a short-term trial separation. Perhaps think of selling in the autumn if that is our settled intent. By then I should have sorted the house and carers etc for the parents too. annie - I really don't want to live my parents and they are too "grand" to accept a granny flat - so I've ruled out any option that involves them; but yes 2x small 3 bed terrace is the aim really in the long run I guess.

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Original poster
EddSimcox · 04/04/2017 08:34

sorry for the double post

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Wikky · 04/04/2017 08:40

I suspect at the kids ages that 50/50 won't happen and that it will end up a more informal flexible set-up They might end up staying at the house that's closest to school during the week and the other house at the weekends etc or one might prefer one house because they end up with a fab bedroom there or because that's where the dog lives..... I'm giving stupid examples but I hope you understand what I mean.

It's only a couple of years and the eldest with be doing their GCSEs - at that age I would not have wanted a sleeping arrangement forced on to me.

I also think it would be extremely hard to have the kids stay and for you and your 'ex' to move in and out. It's not impossible though

Vonnie2016 · 04/04/2017 10:51

It is still very new, I would hold off from telling the DC until you have both got your head around it all and there is a plan in place.
I am two years on from the split from my husband of 15 years. It in the beginning it is truly awful. He instigated it but has since said he felt as horrendous as I did.
We have still managed to do birthdays and Xmas as a family. As we are still a family its just a bit different now and it has been a lot more relaxed since we split. We have young children 4 and 7.I am so sorry this has happened, it is one of the worst things to go through.

juneau · 04/04/2017 11:15

My friend and her DH have just split and for now he's living in a small flat down the road, but spending time with their DC in the family home so things are as normal as possible for the kids. She has a sister living locally who's given her the spare room to use as her own until they decide on the long-term plan. It's okay to have an interim plan, I think. Everyone needs some time to get their head around the split and keeping the focus on what is right for the DC is definitely the right way to do it (as long as there is no abuse, of course).

vintage2403 · 04/04/2017 11:23

I agree totally with Wikky, as your children get older the arrangements get much more flexible. I was fortunate to move into a house very close to my old home so the children can come and go. My son (16) in particular would rather be with his Dad, which I understand. So we've agreed between us that he can choose where he stays but we always have every other weekend where they are with one or the other, just to give us time to ourselves too.

We're flexible with our arrangements, but they also need to have the stability of having to be with each parent at a certain time that suits everybody so they don't have to 'choose' a parent, particularly when they're still young, it works for us because my son is older and he understands completely that I'm in no way hurt that he'd rather be with his Dad. Hope I've explained that clearly.

You're only at the start of things and it can seem overwhelming I know, but it honestly isn't. Take small steps, take your time and be kind to yourselves, it's so hard dismantling a life together but there is a life on the other side, I promise you. I agree that you need to have sorted stuff out between yourselves before you talk to the children, you must have made the decision it's definitely over. You're going to be amazed by how strong you are.

Laska5772 · 04/04/2017 18:52

Edd that is good news.. I hope things are as good as they can be for you today..

Original poster
EddSimcox · 04/04/2017 23:47

Now she is being loving, and clingy, and is desperate for me to change my mind. Don't know what to do. Confused

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MsPavlichenko · 05/04/2017 00:07

I would just say that in terms of living arrangements the primary concern is what will work best for the DC (which may change). I don't doubt that you both love them, and they you equally. Even in couples who live together that doesn't always equate to 50/50 shared care/time.

If you can make it work for the DC good and well, but if some other arrangement suits them in the shorter, or longer term don't discount it. It is about their needs, and what is best for them. That is not always the same as what they (or you two) want. The DC would probably want things to stay as they are. Not necessarily the best choice for any of you.

Klaphat · 05/04/2017 01:47

Now she is being loving, and clingy, and is desperate for me to change my mind. Don't know what to do.

Sounds like you need space to think.

Dutchoma · 05/04/2017 07:24

When in doubt, don't.

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