Done it. Shit.

[EddSimcox]

DP and me have been seriously on the rocks for 2 years. We done therapy, we've talked, we've tried hard. During that time she's dumped me several times and I've talked her round. But I now think it's time to give up. And I told her last night. She is devastated. And I am wavering, I don't want to hurt her.

I know none of you know whether this is the right thing to do, but I just need some hand holding I think, or just to talk about it. To stick to my guns. Or admit I was wrong I don't know.

17 years, 3 DC (10-14), both women...

Fuck. What have I done?

How does that make you feel. Relieved or trapped?

Re should it be the adults or the kids going from place to place, I feel strongly it should be the kids. I understand you feel they shouldn't have to be the ones as this isn't their doing, but it's not about fault. It's about what us BEST moving forward. I don't know how to explain what I want to say really, but I'll give it a shot. The kids need stability and reassurance. By having your home & her home they can get that at both. Irrespective of how 'similar' you might think you parent, things will change. It's far easier for the kids to know that at Mum's house we do/don't do x, but at Moms house we do y/not z. It is easier & less complicated for you to be 'in charge' the parenting adult if you are in control of your environment, not keep asking the kids if they've seen xyz as it's not where it's supposed to be. Not getting annoyed there's no flour or no peas in the freezer. Or that the other one has left her shoes in the hall 'again'. You need to start living separate lives, properly. Making the house the 'kids house' where you both swap around changes the balance of things. To be good parents to the kids you both need to look after yourselves & get into a 'good place' post separation. You can't do this if you are still so involved with each other in this way. Then there's the complication if ne of you meets someone else, are either of you going to want others 'taken back' to your (not family) house. What if the kids want to stay there? It's all so messy. You NEED your own places. Truly.

klaphat yes exactly so. Not so easy in the school holidays (and work stress, and DD1 issue stress, and parents/dementia stress, and dog's mystery illness stress)...

annie that is really helpful, thank you, very well articulated

The dilemma today is should I / we stick to the going away plan for this weekend - which is what the DC will want and expect, or do I opt out for a bit of space, and upset the DC? I know I'll have a good time if I go, and we all will. But is it just delaying the inevitable? There'll never be a good time I know, but Im so scared of doing anything that will upset them. (One in particular is genuinely particularly fragile emotionally so I'm also wary of triggering anything there).

If you've already got plans, I'd say grit your teeth and do it, then just don't make any more plans of that kind.

We have plans almost every week to end May, and some in June and July. Already thinking about the summer hols. When am I ever going to get the space I need to make a final final decision? God this is so hard!

If you have actual plans - rooms booked, relatives warned of your visit, dog sitter booked - then you have to actually change things so as not to go, and that will be a let-down for the kids. If you can be civil enough to stick to those fixed plans then you might as well go ahead with them.

But actually booking new holidays now is effectively making the decision to stay together.

If you're waiting for the perfect moment when you'll be able to split up effortlessly, without anyone hardly noticing, it's not going to come. If you mean it seriously, at some point you're going to have to say that you're not going on holiday together this year.

If you go, is there an 'easy' way to get some time out on your own? If you can, then go & do that. How would the kids be if you 'weren't well enough' to go, but they all went?

Yes I suppose I'm never going to get a whole day or a whole weekend unless I book it in months ahead (which I will now, just in in case), and I need to grab whatever short bursts I can - I guess I'll go. I do think one reason this has gone on so long is that I'm hard wired not to give up on love. Even if that is dragging things out, maybe I'm just not ready to make it final yet.

I don't comment much.
My only advice can be that you need to take some pressure off yourself. Life moves so quick and we can all feel like we need to hurridly make decisions.
You say yourself you need to think, so in theory any decision you make won't be the best one at this moment.
Yes you have things planned each week with the kids til July... maybe THAT is part of the problem.
Can't you cancel ANY plans?
Can't you get some time off work?
This is the future of your family and of your marriage, surely this should be above everything else?
I feel for you, I really do. Stop pressuring yourself.
I feel from how you speak you're very anxious at the moment. So just slow down. No decision needs making today. Nobody needs to be hurt today. It seems to me you're anticipating all the pain before its even happened.
Slow down.
Write down your thoughts, it helps to organize how you feel and what needs doing, it'll also help you push unnecessary things to the side as you deal with this situation.
I hope your family stays together if I'm honest. I'm all for making things work. There's already so much pain in the world. I can tell from what you say that you want to stay. If you do choose to stay changes need to be made, if you can both agree on changes then why not try.

I agree that it might be a good idea in general to cut back on the plans and that constantly rushing about is not good for a relationship or your sanity: having the time to talk and think in a relaxed way would do you a lot of good. Are you quite a driven person? Feel obliged to do your duty to everyone around you? Juggling plates the whole time?

In your OP you say you have already spent a lot of time and effort trying, and you " think it's time to give up". Unlike the previous poster, that gives me the impression that you don't want to stay.

I like the idea of things working, too, but I'm not so sure that you can make things work, nice as it would be if our effort always had the desired effect. Neither am I sure that staying with someone who keeps threatening to leave you actually reduces the amount of pain in the world. To be honest it sounds pretty painful living like that.

Yes, that's a good observation raven. In my heart of hearts I know that is where I'm heading. But I do so want to do the right thing all the time, and doing anything that will upset the DC is very easy to put off of course. I know that ultimately the DC will be ok (probably) but it will obviously be hugely difficult for us all, and so I'm delaying I suppose, enjoying the holidays etc. The complication of the parents really doesn't help. And I suppose I also always have in the back of my mind that maybe if we leave it long enough we will somehow come right.

But I also think you are right that stopping making more plans together is a good first step. Actually I've made three plans of things to do by myself... but I haven't told DP yet (all a long way off).

So. Plan. 1. Stick to existing plans where to change them would unnecessarily upset he DC. 2. Don't make any more together plans. 3. Re-start couples counselling to split well, if not to save the relationship. 4. Wait til parents have moved out. 5. While we're waiting start quietly to get things sorted for house sale - small repairs, decluttering 6. When parents have gone, decide when to tell the kids and get on with selling and buying houses.

Or. Lose my nerve!!

Wrong decision I think. Row last night. Let's see if we can do better today.

Which was the wrong decision?

Why the row?

How long until your parents move out?

Have you gone away?

🥃💐

Sorry, I meant wrong decision to go away for the weekend... but perhaps not in fact. Has been a bit better, no more rows since Friday night. We've had fun with DC. The row was pent up anger from something that happened 6 years ago!

Hopefully about a month til the parents move out - waiting on a delay up the chain.

So, if anyone is still with me, I realise that I must seem flaky, or dramatic, but how do you do it? I can understand that if your OH has done something really awful you simply have to do it, but when it's just not working, and you feel guilty for being 50% (or more) of the failure, and when you know the DC are going to devastated, and your DP/DH too.... how do you ever pluck up courage to end it once and for all, and mean it, and stick to it? Gah!

I'm still with you, sorry, each time I came to find your thread I got distracted...

A month, big calendar, cross the days off & hope for no more delays!

It's hard. Really, really, hard. It is 'easier' when you have something to pin it on. Cheating, abuse, whatever...

First of all you need to make the decision that it is over. Be sure within yourself that there's nothing else you can or want to say or do to 'try again'. You can't be wishy washy when the time comes. You can't say it hoping she will promise to change or not to do/say xyz or whatever. If you want those things, ask for them. If you've asked & they're still not happening...what hope is there?

It's so hard to know without knowing the ins & outs, whether it's 'fixable' or not, only you know that. Is it worth waiting until your parents have moved out to see if less stress & more time/privacy helps you work through stuff together?'

Thanks Annie. Yes, I am really torn. I think splitting up is a bit selfish, and that I should continue to try and make it work. So I'm going to wait until the parents have gone and go back to counselling. I suspect I'll continue to vacillate, which is probably not good for any of us, but I'd rather do that than call is wrong, or too soon.

Thanks for all your support and advice. Lots of useful stuff on this thread.

It's hard. Really, really, hard. It is 'easier' when you have something to pin it on. Cheating, abuse, whatever...
Which is why you get a lot of people deliberately starting rows and accusing their partner of all kinds of nonsense, either to them or behind their back to others who don't know it is nonsense. If you can avoid going down that path you'll make it a tiny bit easier. There are other scripts you can follow - the corny old "we have just drifted apart", "we have changed, we want different things now".

Two weeks later. We have just had our first couples counselling session in months. Instead of talking about the crap of the last two years we talked a lot about when it all started to go wrong - 15 years ago. That is a real step change. So know we have to decide whether we want and have the energy to work really hard with the therapist and move on together to fix this. Or whether we can't or won't. 2 weeks to decide.

Why do you have to decide within two weeks? Surely you can use the counselling to work through that?

How have things been?

Well because we're completely exhausted and I can't face putting in the work unless we are both serious about staying together basically. I'm not really sure my heart is in it. But I'm close. What I can't bear is more of these endless months of uncertainty. So I want to decide - and if it's yes, then I'll commit and give it my all if she does. And if it's no, then so be it.