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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please - is it 'improper' to have the phone numbers of your 17 year old sons 4 best friends on your phone?

123 replies

thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 14:12

Hello :)
I'd love to get some feedback on this one please. My partner is going mad because I have the mobile numbers of my 17 year old son's four best friends on my phone. I have explained that they are there for emergencies only - but he says that this is 'improper, undignified' and that I am 'humiliating him' by having these numbers.He won't even countenance me keeping them in a diary somewhere - not that I have conceded to taking them off my phone at all, because I believe that I am, in fact, being a responsible parent by having them in the first place.

But what do you all think? I am behaving improperly, or responsibly, by doing this?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years - he has no children whereas I have two super teenage sons, who have done nothing but support my relationship with my partner.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts )

OP posts:

Original poster

thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 17:15

You are right AttilaTheMeerkat - they know some, for sure. But not all.

OP posts:

DuPainDuVinDuBoursin · 01/04/2017 17:17

Your husband is weird. I don't understand why people are FB friends with their children's friends though but as 17 is practically an adult even that would still be 'proper'. But phone number? sensible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2017 17:37

thegirlfromthehill,

What do you want to teach your sons about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here about relationships from you both?. That this individual's behaviour towards you is at all acceptable to you?. You are their mother and as such the most important and one of the most influential in their lives. To date you have shown them that this treatment of you from this man is acceptable on some level to you. Its no legacy to leave them.

CheeseQueen · 01/04/2017 17:59

Haven't read all the replies, but I can't see what's wrong with that at all?!
Sounds totally sensible and normal to me to have the numbers! It's not like you're going to be randomly ringing them for a chat, is it?!
I have my 14 year old's friends numbers in my phone too and so does DH.
It's sensible to have for emergencies, surely?

CheeseQueen · 01/04/2017 18:01

I don't understand why people are FB friends with their children's friends though But phone number? sensible.

Yep, that's like me. I've got the phone numbers in case of ememrgency, but when I've got occasional friend requests from some of his school mates I always ignore and don't add as that doesn't seem appropriate.
Phone numbers though for emergency yes.

BubblingUp · 01/04/2017 18:24

Sounds like he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your sons, although not successfully it seems. Typical abuser to isolate the victim. I wonder if he is talking negatively about you to them - and your sons just haven't told you. Usually wedges are inserted from both sides.

topcat2014 · 01/04/2017 18:30

i have no idea whose numbers are on dw phone - op you are fine, partner sounds v wierd

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 01/04/2017 18:40

I have some of my daughter's friends numbers. She will sometimes call from them. Or if her mob has died I can call there number or text if I need to tell her anything or get her. If She wasn't in time I could call one of them if I can't get her. They also call or text me if they can't get a hold of her.

Her friends mum's also do the same and have her number. Your husbands vies is very strange.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 01/04/2017 18:56

Ahhh I remember the reverse of this a few months back. The husband had his step/daughters friends number.
It was determined the husband was a dirty pervert.

Nope nothing wrong with you having the numbers!

nursebickypegs · 01/04/2017 18:58

My parents always had my friends numbers. Your DP sounds a little bit...

Destinysdaughter · 01/04/2017 19:00

He's a twat. What else is he controlling about?

tabulahrasa · 01/04/2017 19:08

Me and DP have our DD's friends' numbers...

They're all too used to mobiles, they don't make proper plans so we have to get in touch with them sometimes.

In all honesty, it's a bit creepy that he doesn't realise it isn't normal to even see your child's friends as anything other than your child's friends.

Deadsouls · 01/04/2017 19:12

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have the numbers. How strange and paranoid of DP? I'd def have the numbers. Maybe he doesn't get it

C8H10N4O2 · 01/04/2017 19:32

When my kids were teens I always had quite a few of their friends' numbers as did DH as did all their friends' parents.
It was practical as we /other parents often did drop offs and pickups or one parent would coordinate a message if they were travelling.
I still have some of their friends' numbers even though they are all grown up. I also have some of said friends on FB (their requests not mine) although doubtless I'm in a parental viewing filter.

No men in your phone, trying to divide you from your sons (because that is what the criticism is) - if you don't get out of the relationship for yourself do it for the boys as like it or not this man will affect their lives and they may be young enough still for him to be a role model.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 01/04/2017 19:48

Just wanted to add that my father had my friends phone numbers when I was a teenager, for emergencies (and because I regularly rang them off his phone when I had no credit.)

Anyone who would construe that as anything other than parental responsibility must have a seriously skewed view of the world.

Jaynebxl · 01/04/2017 19:55

I've got some of my dc friends in my phone. I don't call or text socially but I do if I can't get hold of my dc. And sometimes the friends contact me if dc have run out of charge or forgotten their phones. It's really no big deal. They all know me anyway from hanging out at our house for years.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 20:07

I don't understand why people are FB friends with their children's friends though But phone number? sensible

I'd never send a friend request to my DCs friends, but if they sent one to me I'd accept it. One of DD17s friend's mum sent my DD a friend request and sent me one too.

OP, your partner isn't correct in the head.

user1471545174 · 01/04/2017 20:09

My first thought was that he's projecting.

ToastByTheCoast · 01/04/2017 20:16

I have three teen DC's and several friend numbers for each of them. I didn't collect these, they just evolved when my DC rang me from the friend because their own phone was out of battery. I keep them for emergencies or similar out of battery stuff. But I list them in my phone as 'X's Friend Y". Not because I have a controlling DP (actually no DP!), but because it feels a bit odd storing numbers of children who are not my own and this way it is clear they are not my own personal contacts.

Quite separately, I agree that the DP is being controlling and insecure, This is his problem, not OP's but if it was me, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Original poster

thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 20:34

Thanks again everyone - it's just so great to have all your views. My partner has gone too far this time. It is utterly wrong of him to say what he has said to me about my son's friends phone numbers being on my phone. He is clearly not thinking of me in this at all, as to me it is just basic parental responsibility and a total non-issue. I do wonder if he is indeed projecting here - and that is also really worrying me. When I first got to know him he would give my older son lifts to places, make him food, and showed all the initial signs of a potentially excellent step-dad. But as my son has grown older, gone more out in the world - he has a great full time job, a smashing girlfriend and circle of reliable close friends - my partner has seemed to resent his growing independence - and his great relationship with me.

I have accommodated my partner's poor attitude too readily - but then there are things in my childhood which I really don't want to discuss here - which i now think, in a sense, have helped to normalise for me such accommodation of poor behaviour between adults. But - whatever - the next steps are ultimately all up to me.

OP posts:

Jenwen22 · 01/04/2017 20:45

He sounds mentally unstable tbh OP. Unless there are extenuating circumstances such as cultural differences ect you should tell him to grow up n get over himself

FelixtheMouse · 01/04/2017 21:04

He's beyond odd Shoot

CocoaLeaves · 01/04/2017 21:57

Criticising your parenting is undermining you, and by being negative about your (great and normal) relationship with your sons, he is devaluing the most important people in your life. That is what abusers do. In doing so, he is also devaluing you.

Of course it was all roses at the start, you would not have got with him otherwise. But the difference is that you know it is not roses now, in fact, it is abuse and he is now interfering with the safety mechanisms you have in place for DC.

It is possible to leave, and put you and your DC first. It may not be easy, but you know what he is and your life is worth more than that.

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