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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions please - is it 'improper' to have the phone numbers of your 17 year old sons 4 best friends on your phone?

123 replies

thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 14:12

Hello :)
I'd love to get some feedback on this one please. My partner is going mad because I have the mobile numbers of my 17 year old son's four best friends on my phone. I have explained that they are there for emergencies only - but he says that this is 'improper, undignified' and that I am 'humiliating him' by having these numbers.He won't even countenance me keeping them in a diary somewhere - not that I have conceded to taking them off my phone at all, because I believe that I am, in fact, being a responsible parent by having them in the first place.

But what do you all think? I am behaving improperly, or responsibly, by doing this?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years - he has no children whereas I have two super teenage sons, who have done nothing but support my relationship with my partner.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts )

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:28

Well, look, thanks everyone for your views. Really appreciate the reinforcement you've given me. I think this really has to be the final straw. As someone said, I think ultimately he is jealous of my sons, who he criticises behind their backs incessantly and yet, to their faces, is charming. And as they grow and mature and have families of their own, where does that leave me? Isolated and sad with him as he is now, or living a fulfilled and happy life with my sons a full part of it. There really is no contest.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 01/04/2017 15:30

So the clue here is that 'it's humiliating him' - wtf?? I always like to consider both sides...So let's just say - on a really best case open minded attempt at looking at his side - say I had the numbers of three of my 17 year old daughters teenage best friends (they aren't teenagers and I don't btw!) I can see how my DW might think I shouldn't 'cos it might seem a 'bit inappropriate' (and what would their parents think maybe? etc) Even if I never used them and only for emergencies (e.g. battery dead when out late together when something happens etc?) i think it would be a safety net perhaps, but probably better that their Mum had them? But at no point would DW suggest it would be 'humiliating' to her I'm sure!! And if I were a single parent - there is no one else is there? It all suggests controlling behaviour- and I'm calling a red flag on this one OP

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 15:34

ultimately he is jealous of my sons, who he criticises behind their backs incessantly

You've lost my sympathy now, OP. What the hell are you doing with this man?

SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 15:35

I think ultimately he is jealous of my sons, who he criticises behind their backs

And when you have grandchildren, he'll be critical of them too in exactly the same way.

He may decide it's okay to keep the numbers when he realises you aren't putting up with it anymore, but even if that's the case, you should still get away from this abusive controller.

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:36

Hi Dadaist - a useful perspective. While I think my DP is well out of order here I do think it's interesting that you don't have your DD's teen friends numbers on your phone. I think for my DP - in his madness - that's part of the issue. I am a woman, my son's friends are young men, etc etc. But what on earth does that say about my DP's view of me and my trustworthiness?? It's too horrible to think about. He says, when I challenge him on this, that it's not what I do, or might do, but it's the 'signals' it gives off - that I might be interested. Personally I think he's gone mad over this.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 15:38

Don't allow allow any man to criticise your sons like that.

EllaHen · 01/04/2017 15:40

There is no way, on God's green earth, that I would allow anyone, let alone someone who was meant to love me, to incessantly criticise my children. Fuck that.

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:40

Imperial Blether - I don't want your sympathy thanks. You've clearly no idea how to support someone going through DA. I suggest you get off this forum and read up on what to say and what not to say to people living with DA before you post again to someone perhaps a bit less down the self-healing route, and a bit more vulnerable, than I am.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 01/04/2017 15:41

dadaist I have a teenage daughter and another in her early twenties. I have numerous numbers for their friends on my phone. Not only does my wife not see it as an issue, she made sure I had them, for exactly the same reason the OP and any other normal parent would want them.

HerOtherHalf · 01/04/2017 15:45

You've lost my sympathy now, OP. What the hell are you doing with this man?

Are you going for the wanker of the week award?

Gallavich · 01/04/2017 15:45

thegirl
You're very self aware about the impact of DA on women - but being self aware doesn't excuse any responsibility!
You're in a relationship with a man who criticises your children incessantly to you. At least one of them was a young teen when you got together. You allowed this to happen. You bear responsibility for that.

carabos · 01/04/2017 15:48

"Signals it gives off" to whom? About what? Let's assume for a moment that you can't be trusted to behave around young men, what on earth makes him think your actions / desires might be reciprocated? I don't know about you, but I think of my DSs' mates in the way I think of DSs themselves i.e. kids. Even though they're young adults, as a parent you don't see them as people you could have a peer to peer adult relationship with iyswim. In your head they're still little boys. He's fucking nuts.

He reminds me of my XH - he ended up paying someone to spy on me.

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:50

Yes - the girl. You are right. I do bear responsibility for my own actions - of course. And I am far from perfect. But I have done my utmost to be a good mother to my sons, with whom I have honest, loving and supportive relationships and who are happy, healthy, normal teenagers - despite all the upheavals in the personal lives.

Like many abused women when I got together with DP he could not have been more perfect - light years from how he is now. Men like him take their time to show their true colours.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:56

And actually - when I come to think of it, it's more me he criticises, and my parenting, then the kids. He says I baby them and am 'bankrupting' myself when I spend any money on them. It's all bullshit, of course, because I know I am a good mother by what my sons and my close friends and family say to me. DP is just jealous of anyone else getting any attention other than him.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 01/04/2017 15:57

I think a huge part of the problem is that his former much younger partner herself upped and ran off with a man much younger than her.

According to him, presumably. I wonder if the reality was actually very different.

I have experienced controlling men before who excuse their actions with "Well my ex cheated on me so I have trust issues." It's often turned out to be complete bollocks.

Sounds like you are going to do the sensible thing and pull the plug on this. Well done.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/04/2017 15:59

My XH told everyone I was leaving him for a younger man. I suppose it sounded better than saying I was leaving because living with him was driving me insane.

Footle · 01/04/2017 16:06

Sorry haven't read full thread but when my kids were teenagers I was so glad to have phone numbers for their friends or friends' parents on quite a few occasions. It was a condition of letting them roam freely!

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 16:08

Thank you NotTheFordType.

I also want to make it clear that my sons are blissfully unaware of his criticisms of them and my of my parenting because he has been careful to do it when they have not been around. So I am grateful, at least, for that small mercy. And interestingly, in classic passive-aggressive style, he'll have a huge go at me if he think I've attracted the attentions of another man - however deluded those thoughts are - but he's never dare actually say anything to the chap himself, because, I think, he knows he's look the ridiculous twat that he really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 16:29

Anyway - thanks all, again. Appreciate your help and support.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 01/04/2017 16:35

"Sounds like you are going to do the sensible thing and pull the plug on this. Well done."

I'm afraid it doesn't sound like that at all to me.

OP- please seek whatever help you need to get out of this abusive relationship. The sooner the better. Good luck.

BadToTheBone · 01/04/2017 16:42

This sounds like my ex and as a survivor I'm saying "run, run like the wind and never look back!"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2017 16:52

"I also want to make it clear that my sons are blissfully unaware of his criticisms of them and my of my parenting because he has been careful to do it when they have not been around".

Children are often more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Your sons likely know that something is not quite right here with you even if they have not directly seen this individual emotionally abuse you. You cannot after all fully protect them from his abuses of you. They may well have already picked up on your unspoken reactions after this individual has had a pop at you. They know more than you think.

Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2017 16:57

Interesting how this thread has developed. I don't have emergency contacts for my DCs friends just in case, it would never occur to me. (They are both adults, BTW) I do worry about them, but trust that if anything terrible happened, I would be notified. No news is good news, and all that.
But the rest of it - criticising, policing, controlling.... Not so great, OP.

StickyWick · 01/04/2017 17:14

I've had my DCs frends numbers from time to time - mostly because it was useful to have a back up number if I was collecting them from a night out or whatever just in case my DCs phones weren't getting coverage or were out of batterie

It didn't happen often but it did happen.

NettleTea · 01/04/2017 17:15

Ive just looked at the phone contacts on my phone.
Hundreds.
lots linked through from emails and from Facebook.
Lots of male friends. Lots of friend's husbands. although mainly as many are people who have done different tradesman type jobs for me over the years (I prefer to put work the way of friends)

Some of DDs friends too. also her dance teachers, who are very young and fit.

Yesterday I was FB messaging a 16 year old boy, another friend of my DD to sort out some details of something we are all doing on Monday, as was easier to talk to him direct than go back and forth through her.

Nothing dodgy as nothing inappropriate in mind. I cant think that DP would have any issue with it. He has never bothered. In fact he has passed me phone numbers of male people too, and once they are in the phone they tend to stay there.

If there is trust then it wouldnt even occur to be an issue.

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