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Original poster

Opinions please - is it 'improper' to have the phone numbers of your 17 year old sons 4 best friends on your phone?

123 replies

thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 14:12

Hello :)
I'd love to get some feedback on this one please. My partner is going mad because I have the mobile numbers of my 17 year old son's four best friends on my phone. I have explained that they are there for emergencies only - but he says that this is 'improper, undignified' and that I am 'humiliating him' by having these numbers.He won't even countenance me keeping them in a diary somewhere - not that I have conceded to taking them off my phone at all, because I believe that I am, in fact, being a responsible parent by having them in the first place.

But what do you all think? I am behaving improperly, or responsibly, by doing this?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years - he has no children whereas I have two super teenage sons, who have done nothing but support my relationship with my partner.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts )

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:08

I think a huge part of the problem is that his former much younger partner herself upped and ran off with a man much younger than her. So DP is super-challenged by the thought of younger male rivals - not that I am excusing him at all.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 01/04/2017 15:08

So he'a given me an ultimatum - 'the numbers go, or you go...

I hope you make him stick to that. Can I also suggest you have a chat with your sons and make them aware of the situation. Things can turn very nasty very quickly when an abuser feels that he's losing control. Your sons need to know the score as they are probably your best protection if he escalates.

sucue · 01/04/2017 15:09

So he's into much younger women, that figures.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2017 15:10

So he'a given me an ultimatum - 'the numbers go, or you go...'

I would take him up on his offer and get the hell away from him permanently. I would also further urge you now to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme particularly as your boundaries have been erased somewhat by this individual. Abuse like this is really insidious and it has crept up on you to this point. I wonder what other demands he has made of you.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 01/04/2017 15:11

Grin possum 'fuck off by teatime' is possibly the best thing I've heard today.

Yep. Go for that one, love. He's a tosser - and who does he think he is giving ultimatums? DD1 aged 8 had a friend once having a tantrum at her and shouting 'I won't be your friend' and DD gave her a Confused look and just said 'don't be, then' in a bemused tone which is the only way to handle fuckers like that.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 15:11

You were wrong to let him give you an ultimatum. You should have given him one long ago.

He sounds an absolute idiot.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 01/04/2017 15:11

Wait, he's just said either the numbers go or he will?

Well at least he's made your job easier! You sound like you have two fantastic sons who will be a huge support to you should this relationship end, and who are responsible enough to give out phone numbers for your peace of mind.

Tell him you've made your decision and he can't leave. End of. He'll be back by the time The Voice is on with some other crazy demand in its place.

Redglitter · 01/04/2017 15:11

So he'a given me an ultimatum - 'the numbers go, or you go...'

Easy choice. Keep the numbers!!!!

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 15:12

He's a really sick bastard if he thinks you're going to be sending inappropriate messages to your son's friends.

kittybiscuits · 01/04/2017 15:13

Don't bang your arse on the door as you leave is the only fitting response.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2017 15:13

"I think a huge part of the problem is that his former much younger partner herself upped and ran off with a man much younger than her"

A huge part of the problem actually is this individual you have been with for the last 3 years has been controlling from the get go; it was not readily recognised by you till now.

It probably was not like that at all; he treated her the same as you have been treated and she had had enough. Men who also bad mouth their ex partners are a red flag as well.

shortwriter · 01/04/2017 15:13

Pack your bags and run for the hills.

You can do so much better.

StarryIllusion · 01/04/2017 15:14

Why the fuck wouldn't you? If your ds was missing everyone would be going "how do you not know any of his friends addresses/numbers"

Even in my mid 20s now my friends parents still have my number because sometimes you need to get hold of someone urgently and if they're not answering then you call whoever they're with.

Wtf is the matter with this guy?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2017 15:15

Abuse like you have seen is really insidious in its onset; he has likely controlled and curtailed you in other ways as well.

You and he cannot be together any longer; this relationship is well and truly over. He won't let go of you easily but you need to be free of him and asap.

Theresnonamesleft · 01/04/2017 15:16

It's totally normal. Unless I live in a house that's batshit. I have several of my dc's numbers. Given to me by their mates. They also have mine, and have me on social media. When surprise parties have been arranged also made this very easy. Yes they even contact me, not just as a hi cannot get hold of x

I would take him up on his ultimatum. Act now he will be gone by dinner. One less person to cook for.

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:17

Thanks all. I think with him it is absolutely all about control.

I am not physically at risk - thanks to those who've flagged this as a poss issue - and my sons and my BF know what's going on. Plus I have been in touch with the Nat DV helpline who were great.

What is staggeringly incomprehensible though to many abused women like me is how his need for control can superceed all the good things our relationship brought him. But - I am now realising - that what he values, and what I value, are in many aspects, poles apart.

OP posts:
StarryIllusion · 01/04/2017 15:19

Oh he could fuck right off. I'll have the numbers of the fucking dreamboys if I damn well want to and no one is going to tell me otherwise. I agree with herotherhalf tell your sons the score, pack your stuff if it is his house or his stuff if your house and get well rid. No one needs this kind of toxic cunt in their lives.

Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:19

I also think, to be fair to him, that he is not into younger women as has been suggested here. I've been with him long enough to know that's not an issue - but my potential attractiveness to any other man with a pulse, of whatever age, is.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegirlfromthehill · 01/04/2017 15:19

I also think, to be fair to him, that he is not into younger women as has been suggested here. I've been with him long enough to know that's not an issue - but my potential attractiveness to any other man with a pulse, of whatever age, is.

OP posts:
sucue · 01/04/2017 15:22

You said his previous partner was much younger OP, so he isn't averse to them.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 15:23

I have the numbers of my DD17 friend in my phone and it would not make a difference if she was a boy. I'd still have them.

I have the numbers for the same reason as you. Emergencies.

ScarlettFreestone · 01/04/2017 15:24

thegirl he's using his trust issues to materially damage your life and happiness. In an abnormal way.

Anyone who could make that ultimatum doesn't love you, I'm so sorry. Flowers

Imperial - because I make strenuous efforts to grit my teeth and bite my tongue! I'm usually more a fan of the leading question.

MiMiMaguire · 01/04/2017 15:25

So go... And keep the numbers. Take your chance to get away from this control freak.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 01/04/2017 15:25

the numbers is perfectly normal, his reaction and controlling isn't, you can do better and you don't want such a terrible example of how to treat a woman being set for your sons.

Gallavich · 01/04/2017 15:27

Are you planning how to leave him then?

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