How is dating multiple people really ok?

[nehapea]

Hi all!

Lately I've been reading on Mumsnet and elsewhere that dating multiple people is the new norm and that everyone should be doing it otherwise he/she would miss out on dating opportunities. As someone who got back into the dating game quite recently, a lot of my friends advised me not to focus on one guy and to "keep my options open" and date multiple people.

I just can't understand this mindset. If we are talking about first or second dates then sure, I can see how it makes sense to go out with multiple people. However, once you move past the third/fourth date and even more so if the relationship gets physical, surely some kind of feelings start developing

How do you keep going out with multiple people without feeling dishonest? Even more so when sex is involved (I think many people would find normal to get physical after a third or fourth date). Where do you even find the time and energy to plan dates with multiple people?

I think until 10/15 years ago dating multiple people was not socially acceptable and most people would have found it disrespectful and dishonest. However I am starting to feel like I am naive, old school and deluded because I expect a man not to date other women while he is dating me, regardless of the famous "exclusivity speech".

Please tell me it is not just me! I feel so unfit for the modern dating world

"I assume you paid your way on all these dates and didn't just expect all the men to pay?"

Congrats on your offensive post, MrShatner!

I can't do this! I mean if I click with somebody and we're chatting, am I supposed to lie about where I'm going on Friday (for example). In theory you're just ''mysterious'' but I'm very open so it would come out sounding like I was hiding something. The most over lap I've ever had was still chatting to people on line, or whatsapping but I never got to the point where I was implying I was out with friends when I was out with another man. Because even if ''circular dating'' is ok, surely telling one man you're out with another would be a bit weird. Like you were trying to provoke them to step up, by making them jealous. That would not strengthen a real connection.

Apologies to everyone on the thread. I made a comment earlier I wish to retract. I have known women who serial date for fun and have never once paid for a date. Indeed i remember I'm the dating thread a few months back two women who took great pleasure in the fact that they were using guys in this way. Lots of free meals, nights out, drinks, two dates then ditch and repeat. Of course not all women serial daters do this. Apologies again

Mutella I completely agree, it feels like lying to me (well because it is lying).

Even if a man knew that I was dating others, I would never be able to casually say to him "last Friday I had dinner with Fred". Instead I would just say that I was out with "friends" or just "busy". To me that would feel like lying and it would make me feel shady.

I don't know how people do this but I wouldn't want to go out with someone who was sagging other people. One at a time please.

I'm with you in this OP. I think it's American. It wasn't like this when I was a teenager in the 80s and a 20-something in the 90s. You went out with someone, snogged them, then they were your boyfriend. If they then went out with someone else, you'd dump them for being unfaithful. None of this "are we exclusive yet" rubbish. Everyone knew where they stood, it was much better in my opinion.

There seem to be people on this thread for whom dating and shagging are synonymous. They're not.

I agree Minty

Condoms don't protect you against herpes and I caught chlamydia off someone who used a condom - goodness knows how. So it's not 100% protection.

EBearhug tinder has done wonders for making them synonymous for people around my age

I thought it was an American thing too - sure I never heard of it until I watched sex and the city.
FWIW I don't think it's OK to be seeing other people beyond a couple of dates - once there's anything physical like kissing it's not alright.
Maybe I'm old fashioned too but I'm only mid-twenties.