Sorry, this is long! Thank you if you can bear with me.
I got together with my DBF half a year ago. We met online and there was an instant connection. He fell in love with me instantly and after his first few messages that seemed so "otherworldly", romantically old-fashioned, passionate and creative, so did I. We connected emotionally in so many ways and skipped the "small talk" and "games" bit that I find is usually present in early online stuff. He told me very painful things about his past that he had never shared with anyone before. He told me how he had been called weird all his life and that he reckoned he had some level of ASD and possibly ADHD. I know a lot about AS, so told him it wasn't a "bad" thing. He is just wired differently. We all have different talents and all are on a spectrum of "normality" vs. whatever else.
When I was to meet him the first time after 2 months of constant messages and talking on the phone (was abroad for a while), he became worried that I wouldn't like him in person. I assured him that there was no reason to think that. However, on meeting him straight off the bus (he lives a long bus ride from me), I realised that he had misled me. He appeared older, had a pony tail and had gained a considerable amount of weight (the pictures he had put online and sent to me -only 3, and only one of his face, as he said he hates his picture being taken - depicted him as being quite athletic looking with shortish hair). I felt confused, sad and angry. I held his hand for a while, but then told him that I had to go. I was devastated, as I didn't understand how he could do it to me. I deleted him from my phone, but he asked if he could write me emails. I relented. He was so sorry and devastated too. I missed him. I wanted him back.
After reconnecting, I made him come clean about his age. He was 12 years older than he had originally said, so 15 years older than me. My STBEXH is only three years younger than him,so this is not a massive leap for me, but was still hurt and grieved for the man I thought he was. He said he fell in love with me, so could not think further than that he wanted to write to me and I had set my age "preference" as younger.
He was very apologetic and admitted being a shit person. He repeatedly told me that I should just get rid of him and that I deserved better. This happens still frequently even though I have come to terms with it all and understand he wasn't meaning to be hurtful. He does come across as being quite naïve and childlike in some ways. He very much believes in fairytale romance and that I am his princess. The most beautiful girl in the world.
I have now pretty much lived with him for a few months and am moving in next month. As he is able to connect emotionally, maintains eye contact, is an attentive and passionate sex partner and tells me that he loves me all the time, I dismissed his suspected AS as being just sensitive, somewhat obsessive compulsive, anxious and behavioural result of trauma in childhood. However, for the last week I am thinking more and more that he has AS.
Once I came home from work earlier than he had expected. He was in the middle of cleaning and hardly said hi to me. I was exhausted and teary. I asked him for a hug and he cheerfully said he would just finish what he was doing (the dishes) and would hug me then. I went upstairs to lie down as I was so tired and waited for him. I assumed he would come to me after he had dried his hands, but instead he kept on cleaning. Even vacuuming around the bed when I had told him I was tired. He then came to the bed to (again) cheerfully tell me that if I was really tired I should just put my phone away and sleep. Or just get up. I started to feel very angry.
When he had stopped cleaning, I confronted him about not properly greeting me. He had chosen that particular time to thoroughly clean the house, when he could have waited a little bit to give me a hug and then maybe not vacuum and clean around me like me coming home is an inconvenience. He explained that he had wanted to clean before I came home, to make it nice for me and thought the best strategy was to clean as quickly as possible and then get to me.
He explained that he can't multitask and once he has a list of tasks in his head he has to do, he simply has to do them. He is unable to think or notice anything else. This is what made him split up with his last long term partner. DBF thought him cleaning would make me happy. He also said that cleaning is not something that "cannot be left undone even if it sucks". The house simply needed doing, so he just did what he had to do. He was only beating himself up about the fact that he didn't get to it sooner, so it would all have been done before I came. I explained that a hug and a short chat only takes a minute and that I understand that he house needed cleaning.
Seemed we misunderstood each other, although he could understand how I felt from asking him "how would you have felt if I had done this to you". So, on a level he gets it, but his world does at times seem very black and white.
He wears the same clothes in black all the time, talks about his favourite subjects with lots of knowledge of little facts, hates/fears breaking new shoes in. He also needs to think about new things a long time. Selecting a table and chairs that he would be happy with almost made me go crazy. He is also fussy with food, with a childish palate. He seems childishly cheerful and jokey when he is not down. He works in IT and used to be a mechanic, but quit because he hated having oily hands all the time. He has terrible handwriting and dyslexia.
Does this sound like ASD? He does not want a diagnosis, but I need to know what I am dealing with to be able to relate to him appropriately... I love him so much and don't want us to end up fighting about stupid stuff.
Sorry, this was an epic take! Just felt like the background was needed...