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Original poster

Is it actually 'just fun'

116 replies

Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 08:37

This is quite long but I really need some perspective so please bare with me!
So I met someone last year through their job, I was, and still am a client. It's to do with business advisory and such.
We started texting each other a lot and it progressed from there really and we started spending more time together. I'll point out the ages, I'm not sure if it's relevant but it could be, I'm 25 and he's 45 so a 20 year age gap.
Basically yesterday was the first time we properly slept together and I'm so confused, we spoke about it before hand and I said I was a bit nervous and stuff and he was just like it's fine, no pressure, this is only a bit of fun. This has been said before as well about what we're doing.
The confusion comes from I feel like I really like him and some of his behaviours are really contradicting as to if he actually likes me or not.
Examples are he messages me daily, always saying good morning how's your day etc and we also message every night. He's always giving me compliments but not your usual sexual stuff, like paragraphs telling me I'm extremely beautiful, funny, free spirited and exciting.
He also comes to see me a few times during the week when nothing sexual is involved just for coffee and a chat and he always kisses me goodbye and stuff.
I don't know if he does like me more then he's saying? The contact just seems so much for 'just fun' I don't really know what to do or say, I don't wanna talk about it an make a fool of myself if it is just that. On the other hand if nothing is going to come of this then I want to cut it off now as I do really like him.
I know it's long and I sound a bit daft, sorry!

OP posts:
InTheMoodForLove · 25/03/2017 11:00

from his msg I only said those things as I thought that's what you wanted to hear,

what are those things ? the fun bit?
and now he thinks you want to hear something else

ignore him, he is far too old for you anyway

JonesyAndTheSalad · 25/03/2017 11:02

Yeah I agree with other people...he sounds like he's going to chase you now that you've said that but I'd be wanting to know all kinds of stuff...he does sound married or at least in a relationship.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 25/03/2017 11:04

Couldn't agree more with challenging's post at 10.54.

I have a younger friend who was recently in a similar situation but without the big age gap. She decided to stop seeing the guy, texts him to say so and gets a text back saying 'oh but I really, really like you' and 'you're a very special woman' . She gave him another chance - six months of chance - but at the end nothing changed. He was a player and he knew exactly what to say to keep her on his hook.

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 11:09

The coffee we do go out for coffee and he does bring me coffee at home/work. Yes we have been out together, we've been to dinner a few times, also cinema and a booze cruise thing. I have seen him on some weekends but not often as I usually have dd with me all weekend and I don't really want them spending time together when I have no clue what's going on

OP posts:
PetalMettle · 25/03/2017 11:11

When I was 24 I started seeing a 44 year old. We went out casually (I was in love but trying not to show it) for 6 months and then one day he dumped me out of the blue. He'd started falling for me and couldn't handle it.
I think it makes things very unequal if one party has previously been married/had kids, particularly combined with the age gap.
Are you in love with him? If not i would get out

MangoSplit · 25/03/2017 11:15

But couldn't he come over on weekend evenings after DD is asleep? Has he or you ever suggested that?

TrippyMcTrapFace · 25/03/2017 11:20

Thanks for clarifying that OP, I'd seen upthread you mention going out but wasn't sure if that had been work related.
Sounds as if you two have been doing some fairly normal dating stuff which wasn't completely clear to me when I posted.

Trills · 25/03/2017 11:29

I don't see how anything he has done could be interpreted as telling you what you want to hear.

harverina · 25/03/2017 11:50

I don't see why it's ok for the OP to text him that their relationship is over but not ok for him to text back? Hmm

writergirl747474 · 25/03/2017 11:52

Everyone's jumping to conclusions here. There's nothing to suggest married. Not everyone who's 45 is attached as some people seem to suggest.

As for why he can't call you immediately. He could be in a meeting, on the golf course with a friend, visiting his mum, caring for his kids. He could basically be doing a million things that means he's not free for a long phone call he'd probably like to make in private.

Talk to him. Tell him you like him too much for it to be just fun. Does he feel the same?

AutumnRose8 · 25/03/2017 12:02

I wonder how many possible genuine relationships are binned before they start, due to MN.

Olive, be honest about how you feel with this guy, as he appears to have been with you. Don't lose something that could be good because of what strangers online think. Trust your own judgement....good luck.

MangoSplit · 25/03/2017 12:02

It's not just because he's 45. It's because of the way he seems to be keeping the OP at arm's length (despite supposedly 'adoring' her).

Youdosomething · 25/03/2017 12:18

Talk! Honest 'big girl' talk. This 'relationship' isn't one if you can't even talk enough to work out any misconceptions about what each other wants or thinks they have now.

magdaboom · 25/03/2017 12:18

I also agree that posters on MN tend to jump on (negative) conclusion very quickly when it comes about men.

I am in a fairly similar situation (I have posted before about it). I have my guard up because I am aware that he could be playing around, he could be lying to me, he could have a family hidden somewhere (highly unlikely) and so on. I don't know, but time will probably tell and I will figure what kind of man he is out.

Dumping him just because he is older than you and does not appear to be fully commited yet is premature. My advice is to keep your eyes open, keep your guard up but also give it a chance, because at the end of the day you only live once and it is hard to find people we have a genuine connection with.

category12 · 25/03/2017 12:19

I think from what we were given from the start, it was a reasonable leap to think 'married'. It still maybe as he's telling her enough 'adoration' to pull her in, but the 'bit of fun' stuff to push her back.

@Autumnrose8, I don't think people who are happy and confident in their burgeoning relationships come on here. It's only when something feels a bit off that you need other opinions, generally. And if it's that fragile that an internet forum can kill it, you didn't have much.

ImperialBlether · 25/03/2017 12:23

OP, I have a son who's 25 and I wonder why you're going for someone who's so much older than you rather than someone who's at the same point in their life that you are. Twenty five is a fantastic age. You have a lovely daughter and a good job. Why on earth are you bothering with someone so much older who (quite frankly) sounds sleazy?

There are tons of young men around who would be a much better match for you than this guy.

tipsytrifle · 25/03/2017 12:48

Have a good talk with him, OP. I'd be happy to be proved over-cynical in my earlier posts!

TurnipCake · 25/03/2017 12:51

OP if someone really likes you, you won't spend a load of headspace wondering if they like you.

For whatever reason, this guy can't give you what you want, but you're doing a good job of providing him a nice little ego boost when he needs it.

That in itself is enough reason to walk away, but the fact that he's crossed a professional boundary and slept with a client is just gross.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 13:02

You do need to have a long talk with him. And get him to be as honest as he is able. There are many questions you need answering. I would want to see where he lives for a start. Maybe he is also nervous because you're more similar in age to his children. Or maybe he's one big player. Either way, you need a more balanced relationship where he doesn't get to call all the shots.

Arealhumanbeing · 25/03/2017 13:21

She has seen where he lives.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/03/2017 13:33

My relationship with DH started off as a bit of fun-still together 18 years on.
Have a frank conversation with him OP & take it from there, I do think it's a big age gap though, sorry

OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet · 25/03/2017 13:46

Youll look more of an idiot if you fall in love with him while he is just on the 'this is just fun' page.
Tthe age gap may only mean he is in it for the kicks or it may be the reason hes putting no presdure on it to become more serious. He may be married and just using you or he may be an older man who is enjoying all the perks of dating a younger woman. On the other hand he may be an older man who has fallen for you, is treating you well, respects and cares for you but thinking 'how the bloody hell do i ask for more from such a young, beautiful free spirit'
I know this doesnt help much but what im trying to say is youre not going to know which one it is until you talk to him. You wont look like a fool, you will look like a mature strong young woman who wants to know where you both are, if it is fun or if it has the potential to grow.
My advice would be that if youre developing feelings and want more but he doesnt, get out, NOW. That kind of situation will bring you nothing but pain, really you dont have a choice you have to ask him.
Yes the age gap may be an issue, he may not want any of things you may. Kids and marriage etc but thats a whole other issue. Obviously theese things would need to be discussed but find out if they are even relevant first. Sometimes age gaps work, sometimes the dont but i think that comes down to individial circumstances, but like i said, initially you need to talk to him and clarify the situation.

HarmlessChap · 25/03/2017 13:59

What's he doing that he can't immediately lift the phone and talk to you is my first thought.
My immediate thought would be that given that its the weekend, lots of dads who have split from their children's mother will be doing the weekend dad thing prior to Mother's day, easy to text with kids around but not easy to have an in depth talk.

OP has said he had a meeting though, maybe I'm not hard-wired to be suspicious :P

Bambamrubblesmum · 25/03/2017 13:59

Text him you are on your way over to his house to talk things through.

If he says I'm out/busy/whatever then say that's okay I've got a babysitter I'll come over to your place late tonight and we can spend the night together so we can talk.

I bet you he'll run for the hills!

He's married. He wants to keep you dangling so he can carry on living his dual life.

HarmlessChap · 25/03/2017 14:12

Text him you are on your way over to his house to talk things through.

If he says I'm out/busy/whatever then say that's okay I've got a babysitter I'll come over to your place late tonight and we can spend the night together so we can talk.

If you know the contact arrangements he has regarding the children and you absolutely know they aren't with him today that is certainly an option, but if you don't know you shouldn't put him in a position where he has to prove himself as effectively you could be dictating when you meet his children, which isn't on IMO.

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