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Original poster

Is it actually 'just fun'

116 replies

Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 08:37

This is quite long but I really need some perspective so please bare with me!
So I met someone last year through their job, I was, and still am a client. It's to do with business advisory and such.
We started texting each other a lot and it progressed from there really and we started spending more time together. I'll point out the ages, I'm not sure if it's relevant but it could be, I'm 25 and he's 45 so a 20 year age gap.
Basically yesterday was the first time we properly slept together and I'm so confused, we spoke about it before hand and I said I was a bit nervous and stuff and he was just like it's fine, no pressure, this is only a bit of fun. This has been said before as well about what we're doing.
The confusion comes from I feel like I really like him and some of his behaviours are really contradicting as to if he actually likes me or not.
Examples are he messages me daily, always saying good morning how's your day etc and we also message every night. He's always giving me compliments but not your usual sexual stuff, like paragraphs telling me I'm extremely beautiful, funny, free spirited and exciting.
He also comes to see me a few times during the week when nothing sexual is involved just for coffee and a chat and he always kisses me goodbye and stuff.
I don't know if he does like me more then he's saying? The contact just seems so much for 'just fun' I don't really know what to do or say, I don't wanna talk about it an make a fool of myself if it is just that. On the other hand if nothing is going to come of this then I want to cut it off now as I do really like him.
I know it's long and I sound a bit daft, sorry!

OP posts:
thatorchidmoment · 25/03/2017 09:58

He has told you it's 'just fun' and I would believe him. He doesn't want you seeing anyone else because you would not be as available for him. I'm sorry, but I think the age gap is definitely relevant here. It's a boost to someone's ego to think they are attractive to someone so much younger.

Do you have children yourself? If not, you may or may not want to start a family in the foreseeable future. If you were in a relationship with this man and brought up the subject, I'm prepared to bet that he would run for the hills.

So sorry if this comes across as harsh. It would be so sad if you really fell for someone who doesn't see you as an equal and very likely doesn't have the same priorities as you do.

Prepare yourself for this to fizzle out, and do your best not to attach yourself emotionally to him.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 09:58

Sorry i also wouldn't say he was sleazy as she is a client,,it may actually be he has not been involved with a client before and does actually really like her.

Gabilan · 25/03/2017 10:00

His nerves were more likely him wondering if he could get away with taking advantage and getting you to bed

Or putting it on. It's a handy tactic. "Oh, I'm nervous too, doesn't that make me appealing and less like a predatory sleazeball".

Sorry, OP. It's just fun for him, as he's clearly told you. It isn't fun for you because you're more involved than he is. He may or may not be married but he's not offering you a commitment either way. He might be unmarried but I'm afraid if so it sound to me like he wants you there as a stop gap until someone else comes along. This is no reflection at all on you. Some people just can't cope without a partner and will use people along the way until they find someone they will commit to, if they ever do.

bluebelltippytoes · 25/03/2017 10:06

At 45, he will either have a wife, partner or baggage without doubt. How much do you actually know about him? Do you know anything about his past or where he lives?

Sadly, some middle aged men will see women of the same age as cynical old crows and 25 year olds as a bright fun young thing. The reason we are cynical old crows is that many of us have been that 'bright young thing' and been lied to and hurt by similar men.

What would you like right now? If it's a relationship that is heading somewhere with possible marriage and kids then I very much doubt you are going get it with this man.

I really wish Mumsnet had been around when I was 25!!!

Universitychallenging · 25/03/2017 10:08

He's either married or he's just wanting a fuck buddy.

Either way he's a sleaze but my money is on "married in name only my wife doesn't understand me only together for the kids"

Either way, it's not what you want.

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 10:11

I have been to his home quickly, on the way back from somewhere once. We only stayed around 10 minutes though. He does come and see me at varying times mostly at home but does come and bring me coffee at work some days. I've just messaged him anyway basically saying that I wanna call things off as I like him so it's not a good idea to continue

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 25/03/2017 10:11

It's a pretty massive drop feed mid thread to say that you have a 3yo and you know he was in a relationship with the mother of his two children.

christmaswreaths · 25/03/2017 10:13

Well done, you have had great advice on here and done the right thing.

GoodDayToYou · 25/03/2017 10:13

Olive, I would stop right there and have a good think about what YOU want.

Now that you've slept together, you're in danger of getting hurt and investing a lot of your precious time on this man.

I would have a good chat with him about what he means by the 'fun' comments. This is what someone says when they want to let you know that they're not thinking long-term at the moment. I would guess that he actually means that it's fun. (Of course it is!) It's something enjoyable to do together, today, at this moment, with no other promises for the future.

I'm sure that for him it's lovely being with you. As an older, more experienced person, it's also easy for him to be nice to you (young men are pretty dreadful at this in my experience). Please don't let this confuse you - it doesn't mean that he's thinking long-term.

I've been with an older man too. I adored him! But we were at very different stages of life and all the things I was excited about doing with my partner, he'd already done! Also, his stories included all sorts of social/musical references which I couldn't relate to. And he was tired all the time! Smile

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 25/03/2017 10:14

I think the posters who've said 'he just wanted sex' are over simplifying a bit - the OP said that they have been building to that since sometime last year, with a lot of meeting just for coffee and a chat - months of groundwork seems unlikely if he was purely after that!
It may not be something that can go much further however, but the only way to really know would be to have a conversation with him - as uncomfortable as that seems!

GoodDayToYou · 25/03/2017 10:14

X post. Well done! Flowers

Trills · 25/03/2017 10:21

Well done. You deserve better. :)

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 10:24

I haven't heard back from him yet but will update when I do

OP posts:
harverina · 25/03/2017 10:29

There are two possibilities here - he could either have said that to reassure you or he doesn't see his relationship with you as anything other than fun, with no future.

The only way to find out? Ask him. You are an adult and you can't expect to have an adult relationship without being able to have difficult conversations.

His actions make him sound like he does really like you but some things - like you not going to his house - make me think there may be more to his life than you realise. But the only way you will find out is to ask him outright (and hope that he tells the truth)

You are 25 though and the age gap is pretty big.

Hacpac · 25/03/2017 10:39

A lot of men like the chase more than the reality and he sounds like one

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 10:47

Ahhh I've just had a really long reply back from him, this is copy and pasted..
Don't break things off if it's because you like me, I REALLY like you. I only said those things as I thought that's what you wanted to hear, I didn't think you'd be interested in anything more with me and I didn't want to scare you away. I adore you Olivia so please think about what you want, I love every minute we spend together. I'll call you when I can X

So do I take this at face value?

OP posts:
Universitychallenging · 25/03/2017 10:48

What's he doing that he can't immediately lift the phone and talk to you is my first thought.

Chasingsquirrels · 25/03/2017 10:50

Exactly my thoughts as I finished reading the message University

GoodDayToYou · 25/03/2017 10:50

What's he doing that he can't immediately lift the phone and talk to you is my first thought.

Mine too.

MangoSplit · 25/03/2017 10:51

Agree. I'll call you when I can? If you were his priority he'd be on the phone to you right now.

NeonGod73 · 25/03/2017 10:52

Continue to have fun with him but bear in mind it's only fun. Is it possible he is married? He is 45.

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 10:54

He did say he had a meeting today when I spoke to him this morning I'll just have to ask when he calls

OP posts:
Universitychallenging · 25/03/2017 10:54

Also. The whole way along he's (and I don't know if this s the right phrase) mirroring you.

So - when as far as he knows you don't want anything serious want casual - he's wanting casual

Now, when you want more, he wants more.

He's telling you what you want to hear. All the time. Whether it be casual or serious.

He's a player. I'll bet my last pound he's married or in a relationship and he wants you as his ego boosting bit of fun.

Sorry xx

MangoSplit · 25/03/2017 10:55

Why don't you text him and say 'what are you up to today? Can we get together to talk about things?' and see what he says? Do you usually meet up during the week or sometimes at weekends too?

TrippyMcTrapFace · 25/03/2017 10:59

Have you two ever gone out a date? It's not clear from your posts.
You've said that he often wants to 'meet for coffee' but then later post sounds as if he brings you coffee to your office or home etc. Have you been out for dinner, to the cinema, a gallery together ? If so how often?

I'm not at all convinced by that text he's sent btw. Plus "I'll call you when I can' he's trying to get back some control, buying time.