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Original poster

Is it actually 'just fun'

116 replies

Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 08:37

This is quite long but I really need some perspective so please bare with me!
So I met someone last year through their job, I was, and still am a client. It's to do with business advisory and such.
We started texting each other a lot and it progressed from there really and we started spending more time together. I'll point out the ages, I'm not sure if it's relevant but it could be, I'm 25 and he's 45 so a 20 year age gap.
Basically yesterday was the first time we properly slept together and I'm so confused, we spoke about it before hand and I said I was a bit nervous and stuff and he was just like it's fine, no pressure, this is only a bit of fun. This has been said before as well about what we're doing.
The confusion comes from I feel like I really like him and some of his behaviours are really contradicting as to if he actually likes me or not.
Examples are he messages me daily, always saying good morning how's your day etc and we also message every night. He's always giving me compliments but not your usual sexual stuff, like paragraphs telling me I'm extremely beautiful, funny, free spirited and exciting.
He also comes to see me a few times during the week when nothing sexual is involved just for coffee and a chat and he always kisses me goodbye and stuff.
I don't know if he does like me more then he's saying? The contact just seems so much for 'just fun' I don't really know what to do or say, I don't wanna talk about it an make a fool of myself if it is just that. On the other hand if nothing is going to come of this then I want to cut it off now as I do really like him.
I know it's long and I sound a bit daft, sorry!

OP posts:
category12 · 25/03/2017 09:21

How come you don't know if he's married, has kids or a long term partner? At 45, it's very unlikely he is single with no baggage. Do you talk about his life at all?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2017 09:21

Of course he likes you! You the perfect bit on the side.

Young, impressed with him, low self esteem, you jump when he says jump, you are a client so he has an automatic excuse for being in contact. Perfect mistress material. You are perfect for him.

tipsytrifle · 25/03/2017 09:25

I just go along with whatever he says

This may well be an important insight into this bit of fun that seems more like a bit of no-ties sex. He thinks/assumes you're fine with that as a scenario. Your imbalance is nagging at you because you've formed an attachment to him that you can't really voice with integrity in the circumstances. If you mean it about considering ending it with him, then my advice would be to do just that. No explanations or justifications are needed either. I doubt he is truly "available." I think sharing deeper feelings with him would end it anyway.

If you haven't done any of the potential relationship things (dating, going out and so on) then this doesn't sound like a relationship at all. It's not even a friends with benefits thing because there isn't a friendship as such. It's a sexual arrangement in his eyes and not really what you would choose, by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 09:26

No I know things about him, he does have kids, 3, youngest is 6 and apparently they split 4 years ago. It's everyone saying he is married that makes me doubt it.
What makes you all think he is married?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oliveoiled · 25/03/2017 09:29

No we have done things like go out and stuff, albeit not a lot but that's mostly me as I work full time and have a 3yo DD so I dont go out much

OP posts:
category12 · 25/03/2017 09:31

I think it because I think he would take you on dates if he weren't. And the bit of fun thing. That's so you can be blown off easily.

Trills · 25/03/2017 09:34

He may or may not be married or in a relationship with someone else

It doesn't really matter

Because he has clearly said that he is not interested in a relationship with you

tipsytrifle · 25/03/2017 09:35

Actually, I'm finding it a bit unpleasant that he has been the one to "pursue" you. Also that this has triggered more profound feelings on your part. His nerves were more likely him wondering if he could get away with taking advantage and getting you to bed.

You sound a little naive, emotionally. This isn't a fault but it kind of makes you open/vulnerable to the attentions of men who are likely just users and takers rather than genuine souls seeking to make a real connection with you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2017 09:36

He was nervous because he knew he was definitely 100% crossing the line into cheating. It wasn't you he kept telling it was just a bit of fun. It was himself He loves his wife, his children, his home life. He was probably repeating like mantra it was just a bit of fun, just a bit

JonesyAndTheSalad · 25/03/2017 09:37

OP, people are suspecting he's married because he's keeping you "at bay" with the whole "Its just fun" comments.

If he were single and as nice as you think he is, he wouldn't be just shagging you and saying "it's just fun"

That basically is his way of saying "I never promised you anything" if it all goes pear shaped.

How often do you see this guy and at what times of the day or night? Is it often the same days/time?

Ellisandra · 25/03/2017 09:38

I thought married too.

Why?

Because if he likes texting you every day and he believes that you really are so wonderful etc... and he'd be gutted if you got together with someone ... then why wouldn't he be in a proper relationship with you?

He's keeping you at arms length for a reason.
Marriage is the obvious one.
The other is he knows damn well he doesn't want anything more than sex and to play around at being the big seducer.

Stop sleeping with him.

He's a nasty shit, putting the emotional manipulation on you trying to stop you having a proper relationship with someone. Because he'd be gutted.

And I don't care about the minority on here who have good relationships with 20 year age gaps. 45 and 25 makes him almost certainly a sleaze.

PoorYorick · 25/03/2017 09:40

If you have to ask us whether it's fun, it's clearly not...at least not for you.

zen1 · 25/03/2017 09:41

Your heart is telling you one thing, but your gut is niggling at you that something isn't quite right. I would listen to that and break it off before you get hurt.

DevelopingDetritus · 25/03/2017 09:42

Trust your gut. You know something's not right.

cosytoaster · 25/03/2017 09:42

You're wasting your time and youth on a middle aged man who may well like you but doesn't see you as a serious prospect. The relationship sounds unbalanced with him calling all the shots, if you want a proper relationship I'd end this and look for someone nearer your own age.

MangoSplit · 25/03/2017 09:44

The reason I thought married is that you've been texting / flirting / seeing each other for so long without any further commitment. If you're the only woman in his life I'd expect things to move a lot faster - but not if his commitment is elsewhere and you're just a bit of fun on the side.

pipsqueak25 · 25/03/2017 09:48

this sounds like 'last tango in bognor' Grin seriously though, it's obvious he like the idea of a young woman 'you were nervous' when you first slept together, he probably heard 'virginal'.
i'd kick this idiot out of your thoughts a.s.a.p tbh.

category12 · 25/03/2017 09:49

Is he likely to get into trouble with his employer if he sleeps with clients?

Ellisandra · 25/03/2017 09:51

In trouble, or laughed at with paedophile "jokes" I'd say Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/03/2017 09:55

I had a "relationship" a bit like this when I was 20 (he was about double my age). Suffice to say I found out he was in a committed relationship. I was just so perfect for him because I lived far enough away for him to see me infrequently and spend time on the phone. (Pre texting). He could visit me on occasion and be "on business", I expect. I was naive and really didn't realise all of this before I really really liked him. I did end it when I realised what was happening and saw there was no future. He wasn't nervous with me btw so I expect I wasn't the first.

This guy is giving off those vibes, isn't he?

Hermonie2016 · 25/03/2017 09:55

Please don't take this harshly as it's meant kindly but you do seem naive and so are falling for him without really knowing him.I have a daughter similar age so feel protective.

I would be very wary of the age gap as you may not know it but you are probably very easy to read, this is what most of us don't know.Your trusting nature and self esteem will be obvious to an experienced man.

You can't fall for someone until you really know them, which is why you have to be yourself and don't go along with stuff.

What do you want from a relationship? Commitment and long term? He is telling you this isn't happening.A good relationship is where you are stating your needs and getting straight answers not guessing at what has been said.

What was your childhood like?

upperlimit · 25/03/2017 09:55

Virginal, with a 3yo?

Look, he might really like you but he is telling you that it isn't going to go anyway. If you think you are going to come out of this fling in worse shape that you started, you should ditch him now.

HarmlessChap · 25/03/2017 09:56

I'm a little older than the guy but if I was single and there was some mutual attraction with a woman in her 20's I wouldn't see a future in it because of the age gap so it would only be a bit of fun irrespective of how attracted or well suited it might feel. Ultimately you are both at very different points in your lives and it sounds as though he recognises that.

If you are OK with this being a fling that's fine if not move on.

I'm taking it at face value, he need not be in a relationship he could simply be being quite realistic and know that no matter how much fun it is at the moment its not what will suit him long term.

FritzDonovan · 25/03/2017 09:57

Is he ever available if you text him to do something? So far sounds like it's all at his convenience. If you like him that much and he's available (ie not arranging stuff around the wife), I would have thought you'd both be able to make arrangements.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 09:57

I think everyone's jumping to conclusions on the he's married side.

Op, have you ever been to his home? The fact he takes you out I think is an indication he may not be married, and in addition when you say he comes to see you, where does he come to see you?

I would not jump to conclusions, nor would I end it without having a concersation with him. Ask him what we wants from the relationship. Does he want the two of you to be exclusive or does he just see friends with benefits?

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