New relationship - emotionally unavailable?

[Mangoandpassionfruit]

Thanks in advance for reading, just looking for some advice and views really.
Met online 2 months ago, very quickly moved offline. Speak every day, several times a day. 4 dates so far. Have talked about being a couple, talked about the future and meeting each other's dcs.
Dates are magical but few and far between. We live 45 minutes apart and we are both very busy workwise and with dcs sporting things at weekends. Part of the atttaction how similar our lives are.
So...........dates really hard to pin down, feel I am chasing them.he talks about the future a lot but we don't seem to be able to progress the now to get to the future. He often disappears into himself and has said twice when I've asked he's worried it's not going to work out and the distance and the dcs ages worry him. I feel the responsibility is on my shoulders to prove to him it can work and it's getting a bit exhausting. I wonder if he's scared of getting hurt again or whether he is just emotionally unavailable and pulling me in when he has no intention of making plans to make it work.

I think you're rushing a relationship that doesn't exist yet! 4 dates in is very early days.
I'm not saying you're doing it all by yourself as I expect he has got swept up in it too but it would be very reasonable for anyone to feel like putting the brakes on something that is rushing ahead unnaturally fast.

Another possibility is that he likes the idea of a relationship but isn't able to deliver on the reality.

My advice would be don't invest so much emotionally in someone you barely know and a relationship that hasn't barely got off the ground. It might turn into something serious but at this point it really isn't.

Thank you, I think that's a really fair point. I think initially he was just so full on and so full of future, I did get completely swept along. We're both sensible late 40s but you're right it's really early days. I just feel frustrated it could be really great but we need to take some positive steps forward to get anywhere. I just have this tiny bag in my head I'm being a little bit manipulated. I don't want a phone or text buddy, I want a relationship and to get to know someone face to face on a regular basis. When I've raised this, I get the' I really want you but I'm worried about distance and the children's ages. I want us to be together long term ' he is knackered with his job etc but I just feel this probably is the status quo and he can't/ won't change.

You have to decide whether this right now is making you happy - rather than looking towards a future that might not eventuate.

There's also a danger, I feel, of 'the relationship' becoming a main topic of conversation. I understand that he is/was the one that kept talking about the future; have you considered gently shutting down those conversations - especially in the light of his tendency to pull back - and just enjoy the dates in the here and now? There's really no hurry...

Again you're right, as I get pulled into then assuring him it will be ok and then I feel I've come full circle of doing all the work and he hasn't reassured me of anything other than his desire for a future. Think you are right, it should be about the here and now. Time to pull back a little but interesting question, is it making he happy right now because the answer is no sadly, it's just making me anxious.

But is it making you anxious because you're focussing on 'where's it going' IYSWIM? If you can put that away, you may find you enjoy things more. There are men who are 'future fakers' who rush in, promise the earth and are given to then disappearing; they are a less good bet than a slowly developing relationship. Neither of you knows where this is going.

Just walk before you run. After just 4 meetings, you should be looking no further ahead than your next date.
Step back & breathe.

2 months 4 dates and talking about the future and you feeling its your responsibility to make things work. Imagine what the next 30 years will be like.

Give it more time and see if you feel differently.

When he says the kids ages, does he mean they're too young or at a critical age?

Critical ages GCSEs Alevels and youngest two early teens. Thank you all for helping to give sine perspective.

I also think you both should just enjoy yourselves. The first bit is the most fun so enjoy it and see where it takes you. And if both your lives are similarly busy then there won't be any resentment from either of you.

Thanks odfod, I think that's what I'm worried about, that this is a template. Think I should just wait and see a little longer with a note of caution. I'm two years out of a 20 year plus marriage and I don't really think I understand dating particularly well any more.

So this week we had date 5 he was away on business, I met him and we dtd first time. Totally, totally lovely and caring, had dinner, lots of teasing and laughing and spent the night together. He was coming to stay with me the next night until mid morning when he text to say his youngest was unwell ( I did know this ) and things were kicking off at home. Obviously I told him he should go straight home but I was gutted as I felt it was another cancellation and I felt vulnerable after dtd. And I pretty much did the you haven't got time for me etc. He asked if I was dating goodbye and on reflection I said no. To be fair to him he reached out and said he really needed some help with the dcs as he was struggling. So I gave him a bit of advice. He naesagef this morning to say he was completely wrung out physically and mentally with dc but hoped I was ok. I just text back and said I was here if he wanted me and sent a hug. I know he's really busy tonight but heard nothing since. I don't know whether to text and just be supportive or just give him space. Just don't know whether this is just too much drama, whether he's not into me or whether I'm overthinking. Would massively appreciate advice. So sorry so long.

I often got into v quickly intense, tense situations like this. When I got together with now DH, we somehow got how to make it fun - we love the arts and would have a really lovely night out at the theatre, for instance, or we'd go on a long walk. We enjoyed the moment. I somehow relaxed about stuff. I'd dial right back - no chat about the future, but can you fix up that fantastic Saturday night, for instance? If you can't, it prob isn't right (based on my experience)

Back off. Honestly. Keep your options open. He ain't the only fish in the sea.

Any chance he's actually married?!

What do you mean by " things were kicking off at home " ? Were his children at his home without him or at their mothers ? I assumed they were adults if he could leave that at home alone for two nights .

His mum was staying with them at his home. His youngest is struggling since his divorce

Definitely not married

Op I'm so sorry but (and I have done OLD and I do mean this kindly) you really need to chill the heck out..
this is someone you have met a grand total of 5 times.
And you are both busy.
You both have full lives. So this dating phase and ultimately your relationship (if it indeed turns into one) will always reflect that

Thank you Saltyseadog, I think you're very right and don't take any offence. I just needed some perspective. Dating is blinkin mad in your 40s!

Madness, absolute madness. Sorry. No way would I be talking about introducing my kids to someone after only 4 dates, let alone discussing the future. You should only be planning ahead the length of time that you have already known that person (so in this case, a couple of months). You are going to get hurt if you continue to rush in, and emotionally invest so quickly and all-consumingly. Hold a bit of yourself back, for dignity and self-protection.

You've met him five times. That's it. You sound so needy. Why isn't he selling himself to you? Why isn't he offering you reassurance that a relationship would work? Jeez, I couldn't be arsed with it all. You're too invested in someone who's a stranger essentially.

He's told you repeatedly he doesn't think it will work, but you're still there talking him into it, and now you've slept with him.

From the outside it looks like you're heading for heartbreak but you won't stop. Set your standards higher. You deserve more than this taker.