New relationship - emotionally unavailable?

[Mangoandpassionfruit]

Thanks in advance for reading, just looking for some advice and views really.
Met online 2 months ago, very quickly moved offline. Speak every day, several times a day. 4 dates so far. Have talked about being a couple, talked about the future and meeting each other's dcs.
Dates are magical but few and far between. We live 45 minutes apart and we are both very busy workwise and with dcs sporting things at weekends. Part of the atttaction how similar our lives are.
So...........dates really hard to pin down, feel I am chasing them.he talks about the future a lot but we don't seem to be able to progress the now to get to the future. He often disappears into himself and has said twice when I've asked he's worried it's not going to work out and the distance and the dcs ages worry him. I feel the responsibility is on my shoulders to prove to him it can work and it's getting a bit exhausting. I wonder if he's scared of getting hurt again or whether he is just emotionally unavailable and pulling me in when he has no intention of making plans to make it work.

Your relationship sounds similar to a recent one of mine. He promised the future (in fact I told him to back off) but overall those ideas planted little seeds in my mind. He then started to back off and that made me feel anxious so I chased and he backed off more (I have a kid and busy job so it's not like I was asking for all of his time). So in the end I decided to call it quits because it was making me anxious and I'd rather enjoy someone not planning our future. (both of us in mid-40s - he's having a mid-life crisis so I'll let him get on with it )

OP dating in your 40s is a bloody minefield, you're not wrong! But as previous posters have said this is going WAY too fast and you too invested and too intense.

I am a bit of a serial online dater in my early 40s. It seems you have met a future faker, someone who goes in all guns blazing and then backs off, leaving you somewhat bewildered. Its SO easy to get caught up in all of this, especially when you have come from a long term relationship, it's hard to decipher what is real and what is hot air.

This guy is hot air. For the sake of your sanity back right off, no more texting, no more 'being there' for him. Take back control. Your dignity will thank you in the long term.

Good luck and don't let this put you off OD. Next time don't invest so early on, and if its not making you happy, put the brakes on and move on. 5 dates in two months is lame, even when you're busy when its right you make time for each other.

I think you so much want something to fill the vaccuum that you are reading far too much into all this. Take it casually and let him contact you, I think he is by now aware you are "keen" , I do think however that many nice guys with decent full lives want to take things at their own pace (as do many women too) . If he is keen and available he will be in touch and if he is a bit overwhelmed , it will become very obvious without you having made yourself look a bit needy. You read a lot on here about the guys that are wanting to move in after a week etc and declaring undying love very very early and how it goes wrong in many cases, if he really really likes you and is also looking for a relationship , he will be in touch, if he doesnt want anything quite as full on, but still wants to see you, then whats the rush anyway!!

It is a nightmare going back to dating after a long gap (and discovering how the whole dating landscape has transformed in the meantime with OLD). It felt like being 16 again (and making the same mistakes!)

You will get used to it given a bit of time & then learn to back off.

In a relationship you may message randomly if something comes up or speak by phone the nights you are apart. But the dating/communication thing is weird - very easy to get into a needy mess wondering why they haven't replied in X minutes/hours - especially if you can see they've been online . But this gets less after a while....

Just try to keep calm, don't over-invest in something so new & above all have FUN dating! :)

OP, I think you posted on the online dating thread to say that his child is ill. Truth is, they will always come first, which is as it should be. I know that you'll know that already, of course. But I guess a sick child will have a bearing on his interaction with you.

I hope the situation improves, and that you reach a resolution you're happy with. I know how difficult and mindblowing the whole thing is (also early 40s and online dating for the first time!).

You've met him five times. That's it. You sound so needy. Why isn't he selling himself to you? Why isn't he offering you reassurance that a relationship would work? Jeez, I couldn't be arsed with it all. You're too invested in someone who's a stranger essentially

^ Sorrel sums it up totally. Dating is a minefield in your 40s, but all the intensity about coupledom and meeting each other's children after 4 dates seems strange.

Agree that dating in your 40s is a minefield and, frankly, horrible unless you are really 'together' and clear about what you want.

A book I really recommend is The Winning Dating Formula for Women over 50. Though really, its very appropriate for every age. Its great, positive and clear and I really think it would be a help.

A big intensity on a first date and "future faking" are red flags from my experience. So, take it easy, OP.

If I get to be on my own--Im making it clear that I am neither definitely after an immediate relationship or casual shagging either. Guess dates will be few and far between LOL!!!

He sounds so similar to a guy I dated last summer. He was pushing to have the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation very early on and one time said "I think we've progressed passed the dating stage" I told him I didn't think we'd even started it properly.

He cancelled last minute due to problems with his kids, which as a parent you have to understand don't you? but in the end I decided that actually my free time was too valuable to waste wondering whether or not he was going to be able to make it, so ended things.

About 4 weeks later he sent me a WhatsApp message asking if I was OK....his avatar was him & another woman!!! I spent 4 months (about 3 months too long!) being understanding and a month later he's so involved with someone else that she's on his profile picture??? I reckon I was played the whole time, and he was using his kids as an excuse.

If he's not making you happy, end it... You're the prize remember!!!

"I told him I didn't think we'd even started it properly" - nice one Jelly and how true! . Its amazing in a way, we don't think of a new acquaintance as a friend usually for ages, yet people are meant to acquire another "half" in days or weeks!

Thanks to all for your advice I clearly had overinvested as despite him being back in touch very regularly he has unhidden his profile on pof and is actively online. Feel a little bit of an idiot but valuable lessons learnt. I have just sent a message saying I no longer want to be in communication as you say can't end something that never started.

.

OP, I read this on my phone and was reminded of a man I met on line about two years ago now. The first few dates were wonderful! Seemed to be on course for something meaningful. However, he lived a coach ride away but he had another work related reason to be in my city. It was difficult but I felt so close to him because he was always in touch. I realised that he had his own life and it was not going to change but he was the person I felt closest to for a long time so it was hard to break away. But eventually I saw that I was neatly contained for him, somebody to text at the end of the day when he was in bed alone, somebody to chat to on his coach trips. somebody to say ''how did that interview go then?''. He deluded himself that he was above relationships (he believed he didn't need one unlike other weeker people (?) and yet, he was well in one, just, one that had no boundaries that suited me. He saw himself as a very giving person and yet in the end I felt like he used me for a relationship. He took a relationship from me. I believe he is ''dismissive avoidant''.

So now I'm really wary of anybody who wants to chat on line for AGES. I say ''I'll save it for when I see you!". I do chat to the guy I'm seeing now on whatsapp a lot and he only lives around the corner but I still say ''i'll tell you properly when I see you". I'm terrified of relationships becoming cyber, or being more comfortable in cyber.

Missed your update OP
Yes, good call!

Well done! And hold your head up high as you've done nothing wrong. This man isn't real and at least you can spot the type now. Remember that a man should be wooing you! Good luck and fingers crossed for the next one. What a minefield!

Disagree with the above poster, it should be two way traffic. Wooing is very artificial & uncerstainable. I'd rather see what someone is really like.

In theory, yeh, but the reality is if he's not invested in to making most of the effort to begin with, it will hit the skids. Past experience and about 22 randomers off the internet has taught me this. :-/

Just somewhere to vent a little really - he got back in touch and ultimately said it was my fault - texts below :
Mango - sometimes silence is easier than trying to find right words. Sorry it hasn't worked out. If I told you why you would think I was placing blame and there is no blame. There are just things which aggravate and coupled with not being in a great place mount up. Stress and much more are killing me. I wish you so much happiness for the future and I am sorry it didn't work. Take great care and I totally realised I have lost and given up on something that could have been fabulous. I guess that negative devil won after all. You will find happiness with far better than me.

' It was the paranoia twice and also financially we are in very different places. Got fed up hearing about your ex. (Petty jealousy on my part) but every single meeting his name came up. X'

It was as if you were fascinated in the money and success and holiday homes and more. I struggle every month to make ends meet and hence we are in very different places. I think you deserve and need someone in a much less vulnerable and precarious position than I. X
I am an ass hole. Sleep needed x

Says it all really. I work my backside off to earn my money and he knows that.

Just feel stupid and vulnerable

Where does he say it was your fault? He says he was jealous and fed up of hearing about your ex. And he is struggling with money and precarious and feels he cant match your expectations. Those are his issues and not your responsibility to fix.
You sound great and deserve a more confident man to enhance your life. This chap isn't ready to cope with dating. Good luck!

Just that actually what he was saying about me being fascinated about money, success etc is bull as I'm not and I just felt he was blaming me for being more successful and having my shit together I felt it was quite manipulative.
Thank you though for your kind comments

He's just sent me a long whatsapp which woke me. I can't believe yesterday we were talking about booking a weekend away. Dear god what the hell happened.

You're very rude about success. It's not measured by wealth and trappings. I have brought up 3 amazing, intelligent and generous young men by myself. I have owned companies, travelled the world and would die for my kids. Our measures of "success" are too different and I am not going to be compared to anyone. I am me-good and bad! Goodbye Claire, enjoy "success" and the values you believe it holds. Let's part now without drama and argument. I wish you well. There is no need to reply. C.

I haven't compared him to anyone and have only ever said he was s great dad who worked really hard. I feel like I've been hit over the head with a hammer.

Bloody hell. For somebody who found silence easier than struggling to find the right words, he sure wrote a lot.

Love "there is no blame". Ha ha. Id blame him for being fickle.

Sounds like he was competing with you and felt threatened by you OP. Also I hate to say it but some people genuinely are addicted to the thrill of getting someone to sleep with them and once that's accomplished they end the relationship.

Oh I am sorry it ended in this way.

I have online dated for a few years and eventually had success. (Took so long!)

I have been with my OH for 3 years now, we met online... we spoke online for 3 months before meeting up...dated for 6 months exclusively before deciding whether we would be girlfriend and boyfriend... I didn't sleep with him until I had known things were going to be official and what he really wanted from me.

I don't understand how you can want to be in a relationship with someone you don't know very well - I know some prefer to get to know each other along the way but surely you line yourself up for more heartache this way?
Why not get to know them as much as possible first before investing?
Sometimes they way people date and choose to have relationships these days is similar to signing the contract without reading it first - it's the small print that comes back to bite you!

A guy that is willing to wait for you and create and foster a friendship first before anything physical or heavy and the ones to look out for IMO. I know they are few and far between but those are good men worth waiting for. Xxx

Good luck with your future online dating don't let this man put you off.

Venchi regarding your post above about online relationships vs being face to face - your post really resonated with me re a friend of mine who always wants to chat online but is resistant to actually meeting up. I don't understand it! All other things aside, chatting IRL is much more time efficient ...