New relationship - emotionally unavailable?

[Mangoandpassionfruit]

Thanks in advance for reading, just looking for some advice and views really.
Met online 2 months ago, very quickly moved offline. Speak every day, several times a day. 4 dates so far. Have talked about being a couple, talked about the future and meeting each other's dcs.
Dates are magical but few and far between. We live 45 minutes apart and we are both very busy workwise and with dcs sporting things at weekends. Part of the atttaction how similar our lives are.
So...........dates really hard to pin down, feel I am chasing them.he talks about the future a lot but we don't seem to be able to progress the now to get to the future. He often disappears into himself and has said twice when I've asked he's worried it's not going to work out and the distance and the dcs ages worry him. I feel the responsibility is on my shoulders to prove to him it can work and it's getting a bit exhausting. I wonder if he's scared of getting hurt again or whether he is just emotionally unavailable and pulling me in when he has no intention of making plans to make it work.

He was completely threatened by you op! You've also hurt him or his pride. I think he thought he had you where he wanted you. His messages are increasingly bitter. Don't take it on board, he's just venting. He's met you five times: He doesn't know you.

I think he was extremely angry I had caught him out at being back online and he couldn't deny it as he had before. I also think as you say he wasn't ready to date someone independent. His previous relationships have all been with ladies who were financially dependent on him and didn't work. Not that there is anything wrong with that in the slightest. I think it was just the control element he didn't have with me. Horrid.

Oh he'd have been a bloody nightmare OP. You dodged one there.

Onwards and upwards

Completely agree with Wisey

Also 'let's part now without argument or drama' - sent at 3am? !

Block him OP. His messages come across quite odd.

The more I think about it, I think I ignored lots of other red flags as well. In hindsight there were lots put down comments which he says he was teasing about like me being very sexually confident therefore I must be very 'experienced'. Just a horrible experience. Really need a radar and better self esteem. Thank you for listening all

yeh, I agree, he may want to end it because his self-esteem is lower than yours but all tied up in that low self-esteem is a desire for you to be upset by HIM bailing first. That would puff up his ego a bit.

Please tell us you just texted back ''good luck making ends meet'' or something.

Boogiewoogie

Bené Browne has talked about this relationship trap. It's what avoidant people do apparently. They need intimacy but when it's online they feel in control... so they may well be everything you ever dreamed of on line, supportive, funny, clever, affectionate, caring, interested in your life, and it's real in its own distant cyber way. But they can't take that to real life. Because in real life the same communication would make them feel stifled and they wouldn't feel in control.

I'm ashamed to say I gave him bloody what for on reply - no holds barred really and told him not to project his issues onto me, amongst other things, it wasn't pretty but I don't think that he will have thought I was a crumpled mess

Christ on a bike you have dodged a bullet.

He sounds incredibly insecure and defensive.

Hang out the bunting and move on

Well I nearly came back earlier to add that if you are also a woman who is confident in your sexuality then he'd have been terrified of that with him being, presumably, used to being dominant in sexual intimacy too.

But you've already confirmed what I was thinking so double good for you for not going there, OP.

Oh and don't engage in further text exchanges with him. If he needs to have the last word on the matter let him have that - otherwise he will find a way to hurt you just like he would've done further down the line

Don't be ashamed be proud!

Just an update really and somewhere to place my thoughts. He unblocked me on Tuesday and did a lot of the being online when I was then finally said I deserved someone better than him and he wished me only happiness. I made the mistake of getting into a texting back and forth. He said he would never understand women and was better off on his own and was going off the radar but then has continued to do little texts. I know I'm an idiot and I've finally deleted his number after he sent me 30 photos of his house and garden this morning almost in a look what you're missing. My friend then mentioned he was now on match. His profile is all about honesty. God what happens to your brain when these men come along. Seriously I feel like I've been brainwashed. Out tonight to get on with my life. Got to love OLD

Omg Mango just read all these updates - the man sounds unhinged! And riddled with insecurities and deeply unpleasant - BULLET MASSIVELY DODGED!!!! Well done on standing up to him and yes, definitely time to block, delete and ignore. On a side note you sound amazing and a complete catch - you just need a nice, decent, secure guy who matches up to you!

I feel like Match etc should come with dater reviews like on Amazon!

Good grief!

Well done for blocking and keep putting distance between this experience and the future.

Utterly crazy-making behaviour in his part.

Bless you thank you for your support and nice comments x

Sounds like the problems are all his mango!

You deserve better than this twunt. Chalk it up to experience - you will meet someone better.

Hello again. Would you believe I've been an absolute idiot and been drawn back in. Feel like my head is going to implode. Totally accept it is my boundaries that are out of kilter but how does this happen. Revisited the thread to remind myself how it felt.
So to update, he got back in touch and said he was really sorry about everything and hoped I was ok. Said he had a very difficult time been under a huge amount of stress with a friend dying, he's up to his eyes in debt, health problems and feeling very fragile. I was pulled in immediately and wanted to help so offered to meet up and have a chat. He said this was something he wanted to do as soon as possible. Move forward about four weeks, chatting every day, him expressing concerns around his mental health and fragility when I presssed to meet up. Needless to say we haven't met up, he says this is down to debt and time. I have offered to go and sit in the garden with him for half an hour. No money, minimal time. Also saying he has no time due to work and the boys but has feelings for me and wants a future. When I have challenged him he has said it is my fault it hasn't worked between us as I have consistently gone on about my ex husband being successful and has been like a dripping tap. I have not. Even writing this down I am aware how ridiculous it looks. I have no idea why he stays in touch, I did say I felt he exhibited elements of narcissm and depression and he grabbed that subject and waxed lyrical, saying he had often wondered about his mental health but scored normal on a ndp scale (he used this acronym and seem to know a lot about it- more than I ) he said he cannot be ndp as his self esteem is so low and he is so humble. A flag last night for me was my mum has been unwell and he insists on asking how is your mother? I always refer to her as mum as he does his mum. I can't explain it but it's almost derogatory, he is often undermining of my upbringing and states I am very posh but he makes it sound like an insult. I'm sorry for rabbiting on. I know it's an unhealthy 'relationship' and I just need to block. Just needed to unload my brain.

He sounds really awful and complicated and mixed up. I can't believe the texts he has been sending you about your 'values'. He has a right chip on his shoulder. Don't bother being a friend to him or whatever you are doing. You are well out of it.

Oh god block and delete. He'll have sex with you again and then disappear.

He sounds like an utterly boring arse hole. You sound lovely!

Why would you want to be with this person? It would be a miserable relationship. He's just playing with you now because he likes having someone running around feeling sorry for him.

Argh block delete ignore fake your own death and move to Brazil!
This guy sounds awful on every level and he is using you as some kind of weird/sadistic psychological points scoring exercise.
It would be almost impossible to find someone worse and being on your own is a trillion times better so please end this - he is a walking headfuck!
You sound lovely - you deserve lovely

Mango you sound like a lovely, kind person but you need to walk away from this guy. Block him, stop all contact, stop looking for him online on dating sites. He is bad news and you need to put yourself first. You can't "fix" him. If you continue contact with him, all that lies ahead is hurt and confusion. For you. You deserve better. You don't need to explain anything to him. Just stop responding to him. He keeps drawing you back in because you engage with him. You need to stop this. Ghost him and walk away.

Have you blocked him?

You can't be friends with this man. You wanted to be nice because you recognised someone in a bad place, but he wants (at some level) a relationship and that means it's kinder to walk right away from him.

Btw, narcissists do have very low self-esteem. That's why they can't admit to any fault in themselves and will project their faults onto somebody else. Anyway, that's by the by now.