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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH'S repeated inability to read a situation

107 replies

lenorloo · 20/03/2017 19:37

You work in the morning; you collect DCS from nursery just after lunch time, you get home, clear up the dishes from breakfast, take them to walk the dogs, arrive home and play for an hour, then it's time to get dinner ready.
you have already emailed DH during the morning to explain that you have an appointment at 5.30pm so need to get dinner on the table for 5pm. DH replies that it's fine and that he will be home by 4.45 anyway.

DH arrives home just after 4.30, DCS are squabbling and wanting attention, you are juggling pans of vegetables in a stressful effort to serve dinner before you needbto leave.
What would your DH do? (And what SHOULD your DH do in an ideal world?!!)

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 19:51

Yes, I wonder if every time he has to deal with a difficult client/colleague/whoever, his line manager is expected to listen to an extensive account of who said what and how it made him feel. I suspect not.

OP, do you know of the book Wifework?

Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 19:55

Yes I do actually. My friend let me borrow it. It's a shame the author couldn't come up with any solutions at the end I felt. I was waiting for some magic answer to all out problems... but alas.

OP posts:
pepsiandshirley · 21/03/2017 21:19

I'm totally lost with the custard thing, too.

Surely you made custard because you wanted to? There's no law saying you have to have custard when you eat cake (I've never heard of people eating custard with cake).

He could have been more polite. But...why were you making custard and then getting cross about bowls on the side?? Stop making so much work for yourself and then getting passive aggressive about it.

BantyCustards · 21/03/2017 21:25

This isn't passive aggression - it's a response to his pretty shitty expectations.

Naicehamshop · 21/03/2017 21:28

Pepsi - have you read the full thread? Confused

RandomMess · 21/03/2017 21:35

The answer to "wifework" is to refuse to be a woman who does all the thinking and insist on shared thinking, doing and leisure time!

Halfbakedpie · 21/03/2017 21:39

I have a close relative who does the 20 min anecdotes about very menial parts of their day regardless of how much it interrupts an event/something you're doing and can't wait without getting very twitchy and someone once recommended the 'one sentence' approach to me.

  • Gently explain you're in the middle of whatever it is so can't listen to the full story
  • Set time to listen to the full story (if you want), eg. 'but after the kids go to bed we can have half an hour to chat'
  • Give them the chance to sum up what the issue/story was but in ONE sentence only to get it off their chest/get the major part of the issue across/get help etc but then they have to wait patiently until the arranged time to do the long waffly version.

So if the long arse story was all about how his boss made a mistake and blamed it on him he could just tell you that in one sentence, you could perhaps give him a hug and sympathetic noises then get on with life with only a minute wasted.

Takes time to put into practice but works eventually ime.

Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 22:53

I like the sound of the one sentence approach... seems a very good idea! He could get off his chest and then I could continue with the cooking without him hovering over me in desperation to say what he needs to say.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 22/03/2017 00:13

Not read the whole thread but as an H I would say that the best thing to do is not expect him to "read the situation" tell him your expectations.

However in this situation in my household the kids would have got something like chicken nuggets from the freezer and microwaved peas and sweetcorn and I would be cooking an adult meal for when DW got back from her meeting. Also she would probably have told asked me to do the kids dinner so she wasn't rushing about like a mad thing.

Clear communication is everything as mind reading isn't a skill many guys excel in.

Naicehamshop · 22/03/2017 07:04

God - I really love the idea of the little wifey running round in circles "gently" and "kindly" explaining everything to a man, while he blunders along with absolutely no concern or awareness for the feelings and needs of his wife and children. Confused

I would be inclined to ask him to either do something useful or piss off out of the kitchen!

Naicehamshop · 22/03/2017 07:05

Why do his "needs" trump everyone else's?

Kr1stina · 22/03/2017 12:37

Why do his "needs" trump everyone else's?

  1. He has a penis
  2. He earns more than her

Bollocks I know, but that's how many people think Sad

expatinscotland · 22/03/2017 12:51

'I have a close relative who does the 20 min anecdotes about very menial parts of their day regardless of how much it interrupts an event/something you're doing and can't wait without getting very twitchy and someone once recommended the 'one sentence' approach to me.

  • Gently explain you're in the middle of whatever it is so can't listen to the full story
  • Set time to listen to the full story (if you want), eg. 'but after the kids go to bed we can have half an hour to chat'
  • Give them the chance to sum up what the issue/story was but in ONE sentence only to get it off their chest/get the major part of the issue across/get help etc but then they have to wait patiently until the arranged time to do the long waffly version.'

This is a modified version of how I handle my son. He is 8 and has Asperger's Syndrome. Except we don't do the 'wait till later to bore the fuck out of someone with your twaddle' part. Because he is learning that people don't want to listen to anecdotes like this.

The fuck I'd train an adult like this!

Do onto others as you would have them do unto you. He's not doing this. You are.

'I would be inclined to ask him to either do something useful or piss off out of the kitchen!'

This.

'The answer to "wifework" is to refuse to be a woman who does all the thinking and insist on shared thinking, doing and leisure time!'

With bells on.

pepsiandshirley · 22/03/2017 13:29

Naicehamshop Tue 21-Mar-17 21:28:25
Pepsi - have you read the full thread? confused

Nope.

I don't get the custard thing, though. So shoot me.

OutToGetYou · 22/03/2017 13:45

Buy some ready-made mint sauce.

FurryLittleTwerp · 22/03/2017 13:57

Totally crazy IMO to try to feed everyone at 5pm & still make an appointment at half past!

I'd've fed the DC something quick & done the adult food later. Or given the DC a snack & fed everyone later.

DH would not have helped with food at all as he never does, unless to fetch a takeaway as long as I've ordered it

FurryLittleTwerp · 22/03/2017 13:59

As for the home-made custard - madness surely, although it can be made very quickly in the microwave. Why couldn't the DC's cake just be eaten as it was?

BelarusianDoll · 22/03/2017 14:13

OP I don't mean to sound rude but you also sound like hard work. Are you not adding to the stress of these situations? You sound very very angry (you might have good reason to be, I don't know), but please consider that you are creating a very tense environment for your children. The cake didn't NEED custard surely?!

Branleuse · 22/03/2017 14:20

mine would just come in and ask if the kids had been fed or whether he needed to feed them. If I was faffing around with an elaborate dinner at 5 when i needed to leave soon after, hed think I was just making work/trouble for myself, and should have either fed them early, or left it for him to do

Original poster
lenorloo · 22/03/2017 16:05

Because Eating (Very hard uhum burnt) apple crumble made by a 3 year old without custard is a ludicrous suggestion.

OP posts:
GreenPeppers · 22/03/2017 16:18

Oh come on.
The issue is NOT whether it's a good idea to make custard in the microwave or whether. It's the attitude and the answer form the OP's DH.

Just as it doesn't matter if she is trying to feed the family before going away with a time scale that was too tight. First we've all done it (easy to saynthere wasn't enough time AFTERWARDS!) but re importantly again, the issue is the way her DH reacted, still expecting the center of attention rather than getting on at helping her.

OP I liked you answer with the custard. No fuss but very much to the point!!

Naicehamshop · 22/03/2017 16:21

EXACTLY what GreenPeppers said!

ravenmum · 22/03/2017 16:23

"I'm going out at 5.30 today so won't have time to make dinner as it will be too stressful. Can you make it by 5 or shall I have a snack before I go?"

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2017 17:30

Excellent custard response. Can you stop him on his way out to work to talk about something? Then say if I can talk about something while

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2017 17:31

Oops - while cooking dinner while needing to get to an appointment while looking after our children then you can definitely stop and listen to me now. FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE TALKING. Maybe you suddenly feel like making cupcakes for morning tea and he has to stay and listen to you talk until they are made? It's just as rational. This would drive me bonkers.