Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH'S repeated inability to read a situation

107 replies

lenorloo · 20/03/2017 19:37

You work in the morning; you collect DCS from nursery just after lunch time, you get home, clear up the dishes from breakfast, take them to walk the dogs, arrive home and play for an hour, then it's time to get dinner ready.
you have already emailed DH during the morning to explain that you have an appointment at 5.30pm so need to get dinner on the table for 5pm. DH replies that it's fine and that he will be home by 4.45 anyway.

DH arrives home just after 4.30, DCS are squabbling and wanting attention, you are juggling pans of vegetables in a stressful effort to serve dinner before you needbto leave.
What would your DH do? (And what SHOULD your DH do in an ideal world?!!)

OP posts:
Wishforsnow · 20/03/2017 21:25

It all sounds a bit too hard work and no communication. Why do you need to eat all together so early? Why can't you either cook and talk or Dp talk to the kids.

TedEriksen · 20/03/2017 21:30

Sounds like you have created a lot of this stress. The appointment at 5.30 was only announced at short notice (what would have happened if he couldn't be home for 5pm?). If time was such a factor you should have just chucked something in the oven, rather than 'juggle pans of vegetables'. Less hassle for everyone.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/03/2017 21:34

Your reaction has been to stop what you are doing and give him your full attention. He would be quite reasonable to think you would only do that if you wanted to. Why would he think you wanted the opposite?

So yes you will have to be very blunt and black and white to explain that actually you've been pretending because you misunderstood your therapist and actually you need him to shut up and get stuck in with helping.

Expecting your partner to mind read, especially to identify that you want the opposite of what you are saying and doing, is a recipe for disaster. Also epic martyr. I have an auntie who was highly skilled at such martyr tactics. Oh she was so hard done by. Everyone enraged her.

Original poster
lenorloo · 20/03/2017 21:34

Ted: to answer- knew DH is able to finish earlier on Mondays.

In terms of the meal I cooked:

It was leftovers from dinner yesterday, I just needed to add vegetables (easy) but I overcooked the first pan and had to start again (my fault) hence why I was stressed.

We were eating together so early as I actually work full days tues-Fri and DCS go to nursery all day so it is the only day we eat together as a family.

Not sure why these details are important, but these are our family preferences. The appointment was short notice but could not be helped.

OP posts:
GreenPeppers · 20/03/2017 21:39

I agree with rabbit
Your reaction is telling him that's it ok to behave like this. The only way things will change is if you start doing things differently.
You can't be expecting him to do one thing but behave as if it's was ok to do something else.

goldface · 20/03/2017 21:39

Sounds way too hard. Maybe eating together tonight, even tho it's the only night this week isn't really worth the hassle?
DH would have come home and made dinner and eaten with the kids and he would have asked me if I'd have liked some saving to eat later or if I'd rather make myself toast or a sandwich later. I would do the same for him.
I'm with the poster above re the mint sauce!

Cherrysoup · 20/03/2017 21:55

You're enabling him by letting him tell you the stories. Is he on the spectrum that he doesn't refuses to understand the pressure you were under or does he have impulse control issues that he must blurt it out immediately and gets pissed off if he can't?

I think be very clear and TELL him exactly what you want him to do.

Mine would've have come in, taken over the cooking and the kids and told me to get ready for my appointment. Actually, he would probably have come home early to cook while I flopped after a stressful day.

BantyCustards · 21/03/2017 07:17

Does your DH have a twin (unmarried) by any chance, Cherry?

Where are these kind of men - I've never met them.

Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 07:24

Cherry: he sounds wonderful... what bantycustards said!

I often wonder if he is on the spectrum but more likely he has impulse control issues. His DM is similar has to blurt out exactly what's on her mind at the most inconvenient of times.
If DH can't, he becomes extremely agitated, fiddly and will keep trying repeatedly regardless of having asked him to wait a while!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:38

That would drive me spare. He's a grown man and he expects you to stop everything and listen to him, or divide your attention between him and the things he should helping you with, until you can't do any of it? No way.

"DH, I need you to get the kids or finish tea - which is it? I will listen later because otherwise I am going to be late."

Naicehamshop · 21/03/2017 07:47

He sounds more like another child than a partner.

He comes in, and you have to stop what you are doing and concentrate all your attention on him? Confused
Meanwhile, the children are squabbling and the dinner is burning. No thanks!

I'm not an expert on these things at all, but I really don't think your therapist had it right here. You are going to have to change things, or you are -understandably - going to get very resentful. Flowers

Oblomov17 · 21/03/2017 08:00

You need to sit down and have a very calm chat with him about it.

But, at the time, I don't know why didn't just stand up for yourself and say "darling I know you like to tell me all about your day normally, but I can't listen to this right now. I have to go to my appointment" and just leave!!

Fadingmemory · 21/03/2017 08:09

Give specific instructions as he obviously can't read situations. Incredibly annoying for you but some guys don't really want to help so don't look for what needs doing. It's all about them, their needs. It's one reason why I am very happily single.

corythatwas · 21/03/2017 08:16

If the schedule got tight, I would just have grabbed a sandwich before I went off to my appointment, or waited until I got back, and let dh eat dinner in peace with the dc.

My dh is very good about doing things with his family but he can get stressed if he has to do something quickly when he is tired after a day's work.

GreenPeppers · 21/03/2017 08:19

Being in the spectrum doesnt mean he can't wait.
My own DH is somewhere in the spectrum. That's why talking with him doesn't work.
But repetition and sticking to boundaries as well as him getting his own experience of the different situations did.

Please do not settle with a crap situation 'because he might be in the spectrum'

Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 08:26

What would he do if you just weren't there? Say if you had taken the kids out to the park when he returned from work?

RayofFuckingSunshine · 21/03/2017 08:34

DH usually (in that situation, which tends to be a Thursday in this house because I have yoga), makes sure he gets home, takes the screaming child that is attached to me, takes over dinner and sends me off to get ready while he just deals with the chaos. He is very good in that respect which is why I can put up with his less than stellar qualities (hoarding and mess mainly).

Your therapist is an idiot. Given what you have said here I don't think it would be unreasonable to set aside half an hour at some point each evening for you both to chat about your days and offload. But I wouldn't be stopping what I was doing and letting him get away with standing around talking at me.

Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 13:00

If I hadn't been at home buttery, he would have started making dinner himself (he can be really really good) it's when I'm there and he doesn't have to be, that's when we have problems.
I think had he asked what I needed help with, or just taken over a task (without needing to ask as it was all so obvious!) It would have been fine for him to tell me a bit about his day.
It was the standing infront of the cooker, whilst I'm trying to cook telling me about his day and not paying attention to the DCS which really wound me up. It's all so self indulgent.
But that is DH, there can be chaos erupting around him, yet he will still be floating around as placid as can be, pleasing himself what he does.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 21/03/2017 16:32

Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head with "self indulgent".

Are you happy to put up with this? I don't think would be. Angry

expatinscotland · 21/03/2017 16:43

I'd have left him to make the entire dinner. As for the having to listen to his fucking stories, I'd find that tedious in the extreme.

Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 19:34

This evening he had the audacity to complain that the custard I made was "too runny" after prancing around the kitchen dancing with the DCS whilst I made it (from scratch as we had ran out of packet custard!) Whilst there were dishes sitting on the side that needed washing.

Therefore, I picked up his bowl, poured all his custard into mine and handed it back to him.
He was shocked.

He then washed the dishes without question afterwards!

OP posts:
Original poster
lenorloo · 21/03/2017 19:36

*custard was to go with some cake DC had made at nursery. We don't usually stand around making custard from scratch!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 19:42

The being unable to wait till a more convenient time to talk through his day is very reminiscent of the way kids behave. And kids, similarly, don't realise that life isn't always about them. I'd expect more from an adult who holds down an adult job. Do you get to offload about your day, too? For the same length of time?

Butterymuffin · 21/03/2017 19:43

Love your response to the custard complaint Grin

expatinscotland · 21/03/2017 19:46

I wonder if he's 'unable to read the situation' at work.