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Original poster

DH'S repeated inability to read a situation

107 replies

lenorloo · 20/03/2017 19:37

You work in the morning; you collect DCS from nursery just after lunch time, you get home, clear up the dishes from breakfast, take them to walk the dogs, arrive home and play for an hour, then it's time to get dinner ready.
you have already emailed DH during the morning to explain that you have an appointment at 5.30pm so need to get dinner on the table for 5pm. DH replies that it's fine and that he will be home by 4.45 anyway.

DH arrives home just after 4.30, DCS are squabbling and wanting attention, you are juggling pans of vegetables in a stressful effort to serve dinner before you needbto leave.
What would your DH do? (And what SHOULD your DH do in an ideal world?!!)

OP posts:

PandasRock · 20/03/2017 20:18

He SHOULD:

be ready to take over (having been already primed that you need to go out). I.e., come in, get hands on with squabbling kids, get table ready and be prepared to sort out tea from the minute you serve (bonus points if he actually takes over finishing cooking, but tbf, you started the job and knew your timings. And I find it easier to finish a job rather than hand over in middle with copiou instructions on timings etc)

He WOULD:

come in, make sure everyone knew he was here, and expect congratulations for arriving on time. Do nothing about squabbling kids, and in fact probably inflame the situation. Not take over and sort tea. Disappear for a 45 minute shit, then check work emails and get changed, leaving me desperate to get out of the door, and all children wound up as they don't know what's happpening about tea (which is either being hastily shovelled onto plates by me, making me late, or is left to finish off cooking and instructions given to H about serving, meaning it will probably be inedible by the time he's finished his vitally important emails/lengthy shit)

He is a stbxh.

GreenPeppers · 20/03/2017 20:18

I think he needs reminded that the priority is yu loeaving at 5.30.
I would t actually listen to his day. I would tell him (nicely and gently) that I would love to listen to him but NOT NOW.
And please can you deal with dc1 and put the table.
If he is asking again about mint sauce, I would again remind him that I need to leave in and there is no time if I want to eat before then.
But he is welcomed to do it and eat his meal with the dcs later on.

What I would NOT do is anything where you are the one to right run around but is still ate and can't eat at the end of it.

Butterymuffin · 20/03/2017 20:20

Mine would have said that he'd do tea since he'd be back at 4.45pm and I could just make myself a sandwich or some toast and go on out to my appointment if that suited me. It would have suited me.

If either one of us had an appointment looming, we'd agree it would make sense for the other person to do tea.

balia · 20/03/2017 20:21

OK - have you tried saying (when he asks if he can tell you about his story) 'I'll listen when I get back from my appointment, please do xyz'?

Not being patronising, but DH and I used to regularly have your scenario until he got his autism diagnosis and I realised that no, he genuinely can't read a situation. Now I tell him, plainly and simply, what I want/need. Life is much easier.

Original poster

lenorloo · 20/03/2017 20:25

Balia: I've tried the same as you and said in the past about listening to him when we sit down for dinner etc, however my therapist once told me that I should stop what I'm doing and listen to him, if I want him to listen to me. Perhaps this was bad advice?

I do often stop what I'm doing and listen for 10 minutes before continuing with what I'm doing, but I thought that DH would be able to acknowledge for himself today that he wouldnt be able to do this due to my appointment which is half the reason I sent the email in the first place.

Do I really need to be that black and white with him?

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 20/03/2017 20:26

that black and white

Isn't it worth a try?

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/03/2017 20:27

Jar of mint sauce, anyone?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 20/03/2017 20:27

I'm a bit shocked that so many people seem to think it's only required of their partners to help if they've been asked. I think in a household run by two adults, it's not down to one adult to hold the fort unless they specifically ask for help. It's not down to one adult to divide up the workload. Both adults can clearly see what needs to be achieved and both of them, as equal partnership, share the responsibility for doing so. Fine, have a quick chat about the best way to do that since one of you has already started cooking etc. but nobody should be walking into a house where there's so much going on and just dawdling about until they are expressly asked to help.

To answer your question, my DH would come in, give me a quick hug and a kiss, ask how we all are and then ask me whether I'd rather he took over cooking the tea or sorted the kids out. Then he would just crack on with it.

As for the "but he's been at work all day" stuff, so has OP. She has a PT job and provides childcare and carries out domestic work for the remainder of the day. Would you tell a nanny that their job doesn't count as work? Or a cleaner?

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/03/2017 20:27

Not that it would make much difference...

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/03/2017 20:28

x-post

pocketsaviour · 20/03/2017 20:31

my therapist once told me that I should stop what I'm doing and listen to him, if I want him to listen to me. Perhaps this was bad advice?

If the kids are in bed/playing quietly and you're watching TV/reading a book then it's great advice.

When you're in the middle of doing something that's time dependent, fuck the fuck off, anecdotes can bloody wait!

(I'm assuming he's not got some horribly traumatic job and his stories are about "this really annoyed me" or "this will make you laugh" rather than "I saw someone die today")

Gallavich · 20/03/2017 20:33

Your therapist is a knob

Happyinthehills · 20/03/2017 20:34

I'm sure your therapist must have meant you should listen if you had time to.
I think you should have told him you would love to hear his story when there was time to appreciate it, for now would he please lay the table / wrangle the kids / carve the joint......

Emphasise · 20/03/2017 20:37

Is it usual for someone to state they they need to tell you about their day, even when there's plenty of time? That sounds completely alien to me. We'll chat about our day over dinner and mention things in passing but to announce it as an event in itself sounds weird to me - but them DH isn't much of a talker and I sometimes wish he was!

GreenPeppers · 20/03/2017 20:41

my therapist once told me that I should stop what I'm doing and listen to him, if I want him to listen to me. Perhaps this was bad advice?

Not a bad advice as such BUT there is a time and place.
And in the middle of preparing dinner, with two dcs squabbling and some time constraint is NOT the time to talk to someone and be listened to.
He will have plenty of time to do that later on, after your appointment. A time when the will have more time and you will be able to listen.

Re being black and white.
YES until he finally realise for himself that this is an important thing to do.

But TBH, in that situation (assuming you are normally eating around 5.30pm), i would have told I didn't have time to prepare dinner so he would have to do it when he came home.
I would have left him to deal with two children fighting AND preparing dinner.

Because in my experience, it seems that some people aren't able to 'see' how hard something is until they've experienced it themselves.
So, the best thing yu can do to make him realise to put switch tables and let him do all those things that require juggling etc...

JoJoSM2 · 20/03/2017 20:42

I'd just tell DH what to do and promise to discuss his day at 8pm (or whenever). Not sure what the big deal is.

Hulder · 20/03/2017 20:44

If you are repeatedly having same argument, I would set aside some time at a non-stressed opportunity to talk to him about it.

Along the lines of I love you v much, and I love hearing about your day but we are having the same argument often when you come into work. This is not a time I'm available to listen to you as I usually need you to help out. Can we do this differently?

This was basically my therapist's suggestion. I felt like an idiot doing the 'I love you so much' nonsense and didn't really see why he deserved it but it stopped him going all defensive and us just having another row. We then came up with a joint solution in our situation, he did some cleaning

Butterymuffin · 20/03/2017 20:45

Agree with GreenPeppers about leaving him to do tea. In fact I'd put my coat on the minute he arrived home and leave then for my appointment.

Original poster

lenorloo · 20/03/2017 21:05

Thanks for all the advice here. In hindsight, I should have left him to cook dinner when he came home, this makes perfect sense.

DH gets hugely agitated if he can't get off his chest his day at work as so as he gets home (he has a stressful job.) This evening though his story was about another colleague who had annoyed him, it wasn't necessary for him to tell me there and then I don't think.

I have wondered previously if DH uses this an an avoidance tactic to helping out when he walks through the door. We have been having this same problem for around 3 years; the penny still hasn't dropped. I often wonder if he could handle it if I did the same to him if he was cooking to a time constraint; I know he would have to tell me to stop talking, I know that I'm bright enough to be able to realise that I need to help out and not be told to. Afterall, we're adults, not children.

I think my therapist was wrong reading what has been said here. I did explain the context before they gave me the advice to stop and listen to him. I explained that he does this at busy times and that I struggle to juggle the stimulus of cooking, children and partaking in conversation about his day.

He could wait an extra half an hour until we're Sitting bad the dinner table, after all, that's what eating at the dinner table is for I guess, discussing the day. I think having to spell it out to him is a bit soul destroying really, he ought to be able to adjust his behaviour to suit the situation instead of floa ring around in his own bubble.

OP posts:

Isetan · 20/03/2017 21:05

Stop enabling him, he chooses not to read situations because he knows damn well that there are not ant consequences for him

pepsiandshirley · 20/03/2017 21:12

I can't follow the thread.

If I had an appointment at 5.30 I wouldn't be planning to sit down and eat my dinner at 5.

I'd just feed the kids something quick and sort adult dinner out later.

I don't get it...it feels like you created a stressful situation for no reason.

Sorry.

cansu · 20/03/2017 21:15

Given that he is a bit of an idiot. You would have been better to tell him to sort out the dinner whilst you get ready and leave in plenty of time. Alternatively do something for dinner that is already done and just needs reheating.

WorknameJimEllis · 20/03/2017 21:17

He's never going to learn to read the situation if there's zero consequences for him demanding he's needs are met instantly to detriment of everyone else.

GreenPeppers · 20/03/2017 21:17

Having a stressful day at work doesn't allow him to not take other people into account though.
You are not his therapist, here to listen to him.
Nor are you here to make him feel better buta lowing him to dump all his emotions onto you.

He is your husband that means he should be taking your needs into account as much as his.
Seriously, i think he should get lost in the circumstances you have described.

Also, on paper, I agree with the 'finding a quiet time and have a conversation about it'.
In practice with my DH, this would probably not have had a lot of effect. But 'forcing him' to take his responsibilities (so he could feel the n'ai real conaequences) , holding my own boundaries (I do not have time just now but I will be able to when I come back) did.
If I really honest, I used all the techniques I had been using with the dcs. That's what worked best.

Hulder · 20/03/2017 21:19

Be ready with some alternate suggestions - over the dinner table? My parents used to have 'Togertherness' when they got in from work I think it was actually a snog during which children were banned from the kitchen as 'Mummy and Daddy are having Togetherness' - depends on age of your children whether it would work.

Plus of course on days when you have a deadline, he may have to save up his story until bedtime or have a new coping strategy of his own.

Have your also fallen as a couple into the man has stressful job trap whereby man gets to offload/opt out of family life due to stress of job but woman's work isn't acknowledged as stressful too?

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