Found out my GF was raped 9 years ago

[RossDad79]

I just found this out and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

I've been with her for 2 years (she's 24 and I'm 39) and she was raped 9 years ago when she was 15. The man was unknown to her and there is no way of tracing him let alone finding evidence.

She led a very different life to me and although she's totally turned it around now at the time she was hanging around with the wrong type of people.

Furthermore this could have been gang rape if her strength of character hadn't prevailed but thankfully she talked another man out of raping her too.

I've contacted the Rapecrisis charity for advice and will let my GF talk about it in her own time. She has never told anyone other than her best friend and now me. Up until now she convinced herself that she wanted to have sex with the rapist.

She is an extremely strong and independent character and I'm going to give her all the time and support she needs although she may never want to talk about it again.

therefore I need a place to express my feelings because I have no one else I can discuss this with.

My feelings are all over the place and may be someone her can help me clear my head and allow me to focus so I can be strong for my GF and not let my own feelings make a situation worse.

Thank you x

Man here, and first time poster- I was pointed towards this thread.
I think some posters have been a little harsh on you, OP, although it is understandable why.

However, whilst it is unreasonable to want to talk about your feelings with rape survivors (and I'd strongly suggest that you don't push your partner on it, not that you seem to have any intention of doing so), it is not unreasonable to want to talk through how your partner's disclosure has made you feel.

OP, I understand exactly what you're feeling right now. I found myself in a very similar situation to you a couple of years ago, and would be more than happy to talk with you about it if you'd like to DM me.

Well said Beep.

That's exactly how I feel about my DH too, mind you, he got it wrong when I told him. He said nothing and didn't bring it up again. I had a meltdown and ran away. It was only in the phone when I said I couldn't cope and that when I ran away I'd still bought me with me that I chided him on never saying anything. He said he didn't want to hurt me by bringing it up. Of course I needed an outlet and I didn't get it. It made me feel worse.

Not his fault though in hindsight, he couldn't cope either

I'm so glad you posted on here so you and your GF don't make the same mistakes we did.

OP might be worth looking up secondary trauma. It is entirely normal if you are an empathetic person to feel sickened and emotional hearing about something awful. Indeed professionals in this field have ongoing counselling (supervision) for precisely that reason. I would be more shocked if you didn't think it was v upsetting.

RossDad79, I can understand why it is shocking news for you (based on my own experience when I told DP). It will take time to process.

There is a site that I found very helpful over the years, www.aftersilence.org/forum/

It also has a secondary survivor section for partners, siblings, parents, etc.

I have also seen this document mentioned to people www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf

Personally I don't agree with everything in it, but as you see from this thread it is a very individual thing.

Hope everything works out for you and GF.

I can recommend www.pandys.org it's a forum for survivors but they have a section on supporting partners, family etc of survivors.

The guy has come on here for help and some people are being so bloody picky. Stop it. Just help the man help his girlfriend which is what he wants and what the thread should be about. He cares about her and wants to make his feelings separate so she doesn't have to deal with them. I think that is very thoughtful.