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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my GF was raped 9 years ago

106 replies

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 12:03

I just found this out and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

I've been with her for 2 years (she's 24 and I'm 39) and she was raped 9 years ago when she was 15. The man was unknown to her and there is no way of tracing him let alone finding evidence.

She led a very different life to me and although she's totally turned it around now at the time she was hanging around with the wrong type of people.

Furthermore this could have been gang rape if her strength of character hadn't prevailed but thankfully she talked another man out of raping her too.

I've contacted the Rapecrisis charity for advice and will let my GF talk about it in her own time. She has never told anyone other than her best friend and now me. Up until now she convinced herself that she wanted to have sex with the rapist.

She is an extremely strong and independent character and I'm going to give her all the time and support she needs although she may never want to talk about it again.

therefore I need a place to express my feelings because I have no one else I can discuss this with.

My feelings are all over the place and may be someone her can help me clear my head and allow me to focus so I can be strong for my GF and not let my own feelings make a situation worse.

Thank you x

OP posts:

PopcornBits · 14/03/2017 12:52

I'm really not sure if this is meant to be about you or your GF I'm sure she has more to get over than you do.

Glossolalia · 14/03/2017 12:54

OP you can't change what has happened to her, so you really should try to learn to accept it. It's part of her past, not yours.

I don't mean that harshly, I just think you can go round and round in circles and that is unhealthy.

icy121 · 14/03/2017 12:55

It sounds reasonable for you to need a space to examine your own feelings. The pp comparing your reaction to her being raped to how you'd have felt about a burglary is crass in the extreme.

Also you don't sound like you're victim blaming at all - I imagine you're feeling shocked, sickened and very sad that you can't do anything about it to make it better. You love your girlfriend, sex is something special that, more often than not, people tend to partake in within the confines of a loving relationship. Therefore to find out that's she's been so totally violated will cause you emotional pain and distress because of the hugely heightened empathy you have for her, as your partner. If you found out that a neutral 3rd party had been raped you'd probably feels very sorry for them, but wouldn't have the same gut-wrenching reaction because you're not emotionally bound up with that person.

None of this seems abnormal to me, if anything it's a sign that you really love her.

Original poster

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 12:56

I think some people are advising me not to make a big deal about it - That's why I'm talking here instead!!!!!!!!!!!!

so that when I'm back in the real world talking to my GF I don't make a big deal about it because when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said "no its ok its just and thing that happened and its over".

Am I posting on the wrong forum. Should I be talking on a Dad's/mens forum to discuss my feelings and clear my head because I am feeling MASSIVELY judged here.

OP posts:

Original poster

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:01

icy121 - thank you so much you seem to get exactly where I'm coming from. :)

OP posts:

HairsprayBabe · 14/03/2017 13:01

icy If you had read my other posts you would see I have been raped, so I do not think it is wholly inappropriate for me to compare it as such.

OP I am not trying to be nasty, I just don't think this is something for you to have to come to terms with, even internally. You should support your girlfriend and not define her by her abusive past.

heateallthebuns · 14/03/2017 13:02

Over time you will be able to let it go, I guess you only just heard so it's natural to feel angry and to try and help by donating to a charity. But really, it's in the past so focus on that and that your strong feelings will fade over time.

Also, make sure you're not victim blaming in any way as that does contribute to the problem. You said two things that made me think of that. Women should not feel guilty for 'hanging around with the wrong people' or 'not having the strength of character to talk down a rapist'. They have been targeted by a criminal.

If men (or women who internalise victim blaming) use language like this then it allows rapists to think it's ok to target women who do 'hang around in the wrong crowd' or don't fight back verbally - 'maybe they wanted it really?'

Knifegrinder · 14/03/2017 13:03

People are analysing what you say because what you say represents a set of assumptions which are possibly untrue and unhelpful to both you and your GF. Yes, you are allowed to have your emotions all over the place, but that needs to promote a supportive response for your GF once you've let them out privately. Listen to what people are saying. There are a lot of rape survivors on here, because there are s lot of rape survivors among the female population. This is a horrifically common and under-prosecuted crime.

People, including me, get cross with men who only start getting angry about rape when their partner or daughter is raped, when it's so, so common.

icy121 · 14/03/2017 13:04

Lots of women have been raped and use MN will read this thread because of the title. They absolutely are within their rights to feel and do what they need to in coming to terms with it. They probably find it galling that someone who hasn't been raped is having an emotional reaction to the rape (alebit of a loved one) because you're expending mental energy on your own reaction rather than focussing on providing unconditional support.

I am of the view you can do both - support her whilst having your own visceral reaction to it

See what other responses you get but if it's going to be a lot more of the same then maybe ask MN to take it down.

cowgirlsareforever · 14/03/2017 13:05

Sadly I think you are being judged. I really wouldn't blame you if went elsewhere for advice.
I really hope your gf is OK and wish you lots of happiness in your future life together.

Offred · 14/03/2017 13:06

You would get a very different response on a men's forum. Not sure if that would be good though.

The reason people on here are sensitive is because many of them have been raped and abused and your comments about her life and social experiences implied you may have felt the reasons she was raped was because of her bad decisions.

IMO it is not abnormal for a secondary victim to look for the reasons behind what happened or for that to stray into apportioning blame, even sometimes partially on the victim for various reasons, as part of coming by to terms with what they have discovered.

It is however not something that can be explained, be reasoned out or avoided by understanding what happened or when or what could have been different.

I don't blame you for making that comment in this space and context (you exploring your feelings) but it is not a good direction to go in. I think it is very good you are seeking space and support for yourself. You may need to examine unpleasant thoughts like that she hung around with the wrong people etc in order to move on but ultimately you do need to eventually come to the understanding that a. This happened to her and b. It isn't anything you have any control over.

Original poster

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:09

heateallthebuns thank you for clarifying why it might have been thought that I was blaming and in terms of 'talking down' the rapist I probably worded it wrong. I was merely explaining how she'd protected herself but with such an emotive subject people will misinterpret my words.

OP posts:

anxietyrus · 14/03/2017 13:10

I understand where you are coming from Ross. You are allowed to feel emotions towards somebody hurting somebody you love and care about. I think that I would be hurt if I entrusted somebody with duct information and they didn't care enough to feel a great sense of emotion around it. I think you're doing the best thing by asking for outside help in sorting out how you feel about it.

LevantineHummus · 14/03/2017 13:11

OP I think there's some nitpicking going on. I found your first post very well intentioned. In fact, it made me cry a little as I wish I'd had a partner like you when I told mine.

Vent away.

pillowcase6 · 14/03/2017 13:12

OP, you sound very human and very caring. You're trying to do everything you can to support your GF, including making sure you yourself are in the right headspace to be able to be the best support you can.

I think most decent people would be shocked and upset to find out something like this about their partner. It doesn't lessen how horrific it is for the person who's actually been raped.

OP you've said you're swinging between anger, fear and sadness. All of those are very rational responses to the act of rape. It's really appropriate to feel angry, afraid and sad. I think just don't be scared of those feelings, and keep doing what you're doing, and it'll lead you to the right responses in real life.

Does your GF seem to have shared her experience with many others? Or was it a very big deal for her to tell you about what happened?

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 14/03/2017 13:13

Sadly I could have predicted some of these replies just from the title. Men can't do right for doing wrong at the best of times on here, never mind in such an emotive subject as this.

i agree wholeheartedly with icy

I'm sorry you've been given such a hard time op you sound very caring and supportive.

Offred · 14/03/2017 13:17

I don't think it is nitpicking necessarily. Language matters a great deal. If his gf had read the stuff about strength of character it would be normal for her to interpret that as her not having enough strength of character to avoid the rape in the first place and re the "wrong types" as though she shouldn't have been hanging out with those people and because she did she got what she deserved.

Not everyone will take those comments that way but it would be normal for a rape victim to take them that way because of the psychological effect rape has on someone. It is really important to watch your language in this situation. The wrong words can set recovery back by miles, particularly if you are only the second person she has told.

Original poster

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:19

Thank you anxietyrus, LevantineHummus and pillowcase6, for your kind and considered words.

My GF did talk to me in some detail about it as we are both very open and honest people as well as being each others best friends. She's never discussed it with any one else including past partners.

OP posts:

mnbvcxzl · 14/03/2017 13:21

OP, one thing you must know about Mumsnet is that however non-confrontational the OP some people are just spoiling for a fight.

I know you have clarified it but I would certainly have to come to terms with things if I found out a female relative had been raped, even if some time ago.

The horrible posters usually give up after a while so sit tight, I think you sound wonderful!

HairsprayBabe · 14/03/2017 13:22

Good effort for only considering the replies telling you how wonderful you are OP

I am not being nasty but there is a reason you have been criticised and you need to take that on board as well.

FWIW I do think it is nice you want to help and support your partner.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 13:26

You will always get people projecting their experiences and trying to attack. Just ignore them.

This is about you and your GF, not anyone else. Of course it's painful when you're loved one has a horrible thing happen to them.

When women come here saying their husband was sexually abused as a child, they as the wife also need support.

You weren't victim blaming and it's really supportive that you've even posted here.

icy121 · 14/03/2017 13:29

hairspray I think he, to use the MN vernacular, needs a bit of a hand hold.

He's had victim blaming explained to him (not that it sounds like he in any way blames his GF) and has recognised the concept.... and now he wants/needs to get to grips with all of the feelings that have arisen. That's not an unfair position.

Offred · 14/03/2017 13:29

Look op you are going to have to put aside your ego at some point if you want your relationship to survive.

The things people have written here that you find difficult to read are the normal responses of rape victims to your feelings. I know that isn't exactly what you posted for but it is important. Your gf will very likely not tell you if she has those feelings because you will be showing her that you are not safe but it is also likely that she would respond internally in the same emotional ways.

What rape victims need is ego put to the side and a calm, patient and loving response which allows them to be in control, not an analysis of their social history and character as a person.

If you are only prepared to listen to people who blow smoke up your arse you won't do well for her.

Offred · 14/03/2017 13:32

And I should add that everyone has internalised the kind of misogyny that allows rape to happen. You will have to reflect on your own views and be very careful about what you actually say, this thread is good experience from that perspective.

HairsprayBabe · 14/03/2017 13:35

Offred has it spot on.

icy thanks for not ripping me to shreds, I can be a bit prickly around this subject...

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