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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out my GF was raped 9 years ago

106 replies

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 12:03

I just found this out and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

I've been with her for 2 years (she's 24 and I'm 39) and she was raped 9 years ago when she was 15. The man was unknown to her and there is no way of tracing him let alone finding evidence.

She led a very different life to me and although she's totally turned it around now at the time she was hanging around with the wrong type of people.

Furthermore this could have been gang rape if her strength of character hadn't prevailed but thankfully she talked another man out of raping her too.

I've contacted the Rapecrisis charity for advice and will let my GF talk about it in her own time. She has never told anyone other than her best friend and now me. Up until now she convinced herself that she wanted to have sex with the rapist.

She is an extremely strong and independent character and I'm going to give her all the time and support she needs although she may never want to talk about it again.

therefore I need a place to express my feelings because I have no one else I can discuss this with.

My feelings are all over the place and may be someone her can help me clear my head and allow me to focus so I can be strong for my GF and not let my own feelings make a situation worse.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 14/03/2017 13:35

I agree with offred

Knifegrinder · 14/03/2017 13:38

Points well made Offred.

LevantineHummus · 14/03/2017 13:38

Offred I am a rape "victim" too and I understood what he meant. Yes we need to be careful with words, but as people, rape survivors or not, we also have the ability to look at someone's intentions, especially if we're close to them.

From the OP's post, it's pretty clear what his intentions are and the subsequent attention paid to his phrasing was a little OTT. Yes, worth pointing it out, but then get back to the matter, which is support for someone brave enough to ask for it on mumsnet!

heateallthebuns · 14/03/2017 13:45

Op you sound like you're really trying your best. A men's forum might help too, as you may be able to talk to people in a similar situation.

Are there questions you have that might help you with your feelings?

Bananamanfan · 14/03/2017 13:46

Op, i'm afraid i agree with the pulling apart of your language, it's these underlying assumptions that make rape so normal & everyday for a lot of women. It was normal for me from the age of 14 to almost 23.
It is very good that you are realising that a woman you know has been raped & i agree with a pp; you know more women that have been raped.
The language you use and advice you give your DDs is vital to them growing up without thinking that it is their duty to protect their bodies (it isn't), that they do not "owe" a partner sex, that their appearance is no one else's concern.
I struggle with all of the above in bringing up my DD & i am a feminist and sexual abuse survivor. You can help by recognising the misogynistic assumptions that embedded in all of us.

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:47

Offred in one of my posts I mentioned that I want to kill the rapist - no one has pointed out that I this in fact murder and that I shouldn't do it.

My point is that people will read into what I say and then reinterpret it to justify their own point of view regardless of how I initially word it.

Its the difference between how the 'chimp' and 'human' parts of our brain work if you've read 'The Chimp Paradox'.

OP posts:
LadyIrisBarclay · 14/03/2017 13:53

Hi OP, I have been on Mumsnet for Donkey's years. I've read many threads from women who have been raped and have a good awareness (I hope) of the issues surrounding rape culture and victim blaming.

I'd like to think that if someone I loved confided in me that they had been raped, I would know what to do and what to say, thanks largely in part to this forum.

But do you know what?

If that time ever came I wouldn't have a clue.

I would be so shocked and so devastated by the news that I reckon I would just crumble.

This forum would probably be one of the first places I would come to and I would need handholding. I would need someone to calmly talk me down and guide me through what I needed to do to try and help and support my loved one and yes I would need a degree of support myself whether that be practical or emotional or whatever else.

So you are here and you have made that first step and I don't care one bit whether you have or have not expressed yourself as well as you could have.

You're bound to get a mix of responses here unfortunately, partly because you're a man and partly because many posters have sadly had personal experience of rape.

Keep going though, keep talking. You don't have to justify yourself here at all. Ignore the posts that are not helpful to you (in your need to help your partner) and just focus on those that are. That's all you can do.

Flowers to you and your partner xx

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:54

Thank you Bananamanfan.

Yesterday I looked on the web for any London talks on 'sexual abuse' and feminism in general to ensure that I have as big a view as possible of all these subjects (subject is the wrong word).

Believe it or not I would consider myself a 'growing' feminist (all kick started with a copy of 'How to be a Women' which I read a few years ago) and want to be as wise as possible for my DD's.

OP posts:
Offred · 14/03/2017 13:56

Final addition;

Because we all have these internalised views IMO no thought or feeling you have is wrong but it is important to recognise (as you are by posting) that they are your thoughts and feelings. My advice would be to keep them in context and be careful to share with her only the things which are likely to be helpful. You may be angry with the rapist, with men generally, even with her. You might want to go over and over history in your mind. You may feel sad, feel she has been 'tainted'. Feel scared and bitter, any number of unpleasant and unreasonable things. It is important IMO you keep your thoughts and feelings away from her and maintain a calm, patient and loving response.

It is not that I think you should just get on with it and not have any feelings, not at all, just she has trusted you to be a support to her by telling you. You have a responsibility to be a help not a harm now - one you didn't ask for and weren't prepared for and don't necessarily know how to cope with.

You might need to have some counselling of your own in order to do that, if so then do it. The issue really is that you will likely go through a very similar cycle of thought as she has and is, it is important not to feed her negative thoughts with your own.

Offred · 14/03/2017 13:58

The chimp paradox is an example of the kind of misogyny that perpetuates rape... Hmm

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 13:59

LadyIrisBarclay you've lifted me up again.

It may seem silly but just to read some of the constructive and positive posts allows me to put things into perspective whether they are a 'slap around the face' type of post or a 'cuddling' post.

OP posts:
Offred · 14/03/2017 14:01

And TBH my point was not really about what people 'read into' things... what you wrote was clear - you are picking apart her character and history, it doesn't matter if you feel you drew complimentary inferences from that, that picking is really really unhelpful - she is not on trial.

The point was that all the responses you have had to your post are within normal responses of rape victims to your posts. If you are committed to helping and not hurting the person you like be you will take head of some of the more visceral ones because if your gf responds in that way, she is not likely to tell you.

Offred · 14/03/2017 14:02

*you love, then

MusicIsMedicine · 14/03/2017 14:03

She was 15. Who she was hanging about with is irrelevant. She is the victim here.

It's up to her whether she wants to talk about it again and it's her feelings that matter most around what happened to her, not yours.

SewMeARiver · 14/03/2017 14:05

Bloody hell. Welcome to MN eh?

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 14:07

Offred - Thank you the final additional was perfect and I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I do not blame her one little bit and I'm here talking now to avoid any stored up feelings hurting her.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 14/03/2017 14:08

Op I'm sorry for what happened to your girlfriend.

You're learning very quickly that if you want advice on mumsnet you must take every word out of your mouth and look at it before saying it.

And you know its murder right ;)

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 14:08

I've sent you a private message OP.

Offred · 14/03/2017 14:08

It is nothing to do with a 'chimp brain' which is one way of dismissing people. It is everything to do with how people cope with having been raped. Dismiss it as irrational, man hating or projection at your peril because ultimately you are talking to a number of women who have been raped here, just like your GF. Their responses to your posts could be a real source of information on how you should or shouldn't approach this with her, if you choose to listen.

Offred · 14/03/2017 14:10

Please carry on talking whether that is on here or with a counsellor. She hasn't caused this and neither have you. You are only human but try your best for her!

Notmyrealname85 · 14/03/2017 14:11

Ross well done on thinking how to positively react to this news and reach out to an unfamiliar forum. It's always the case that of course no one should be congratulated for doing something as basic as helping another (if you can, in any way you can). But a lot of people find rape a bit of an inconvenience, truth be told. A lot of posters here who have experienced rape might have found the same thing? Difficulties in finding support from people you thought were very reliable for that.

I was raped several years ago, and have only told three people I thought would care/help (?). Their reactions varied massively. Telling people about it is so difficult, really the worst to present what's happened to others who seems so happy and fine. And they might react all sort of ways.

From this I take two things.... it's a very big deal that your gf gave you this information. Massive deal. Think how many people she has shared this with. This means she trusts you and maybe is looking for you to just recognise the fact and help. Years later I never know if I told those three people for help or just recognition of my pain, because honestly I don't know what they actually could have done to help. Maybe just listened, given their time. Like your gf the chances of prosecution were zilch and in a traumatic way I'd already processed the rape as much as possible on my own (not the best route at all!!!). So in a way I was looking just for...maybe recognition? It felt taboo to tell anyone and so Victorian, and I was disappointed massively and now feel incredibly awkward about 2/3 of the responses. So she's taken a big risk in telling you at all and might feel the need to downplay the whole thing at the moment. She might also know that as gently as you're reacting to the news, you will have a reaction (good or bad for her). So she's maybe anticipating dealing with that now, it's a burden and a big risk for her.

Her experience and her processing it are obviously massive and more than any of us can comprehend, no experiences are alike. She'll be waiting to see how you approach the subject.

I know some of the posters on here take very different tones - but that's a good thing. Your gf will have times when she feels really defensive about what she told you ("just forget it, it's nothing", or "you wouldn't understand"). She might want to push you away emotionally at times, or really appeal for you to help her make sense of it. The posters' reactions here show a fair amount of how she might feel about it in any one day. Equally she might go months without ever thinking about the rape, and certainly what someone else inflicted on her...it should be for her to decide how that shapes her identity (if she wants to identify as a survivor or forget about the whole thing).

I know people are being particular with language, but thats a great thing!! We need to make sure you are very precise with how you convey your feelings to her. People sadly do victim blame and it's not always as big as "they had it coming", but if she thinks you even possibly consider her hanging with the wrong crowd had anything to do with it...she might bolt emotionally. She won't want to have to justify her circumstances around the rape. Be very very careful around that.

You are absolutely of course going to have a reaction to this news... but don't talk over her, fumble what you want to say, or accidentally stumble into victim blaming ("why didn't you just..." etc). I used to hate it when my ex said "I'd never do anything like that to you"...like well done! Ugh. Show her you're way above that and a constant and reliable comfort. She will know that about you in other ways if she's even told you this news, but show her you can be there for this too. If she's reached out to you at least give her a clear response and think here with us about what you're going to say to her when she's comfortable speaking about the issue again.

In terms of anger - two different things. You need to rant and rave and probably want to kill the guy that did this. Do!! (Rant and rave at least). Process here as much as you can for anger management, and think of different ways of dealing too (exercise or whatnot). BUT don't take that to her. Make sure she knows you're so angry at her attacker (not the fact it happened, not her fault remember!) but don't put any emotional stuff on her about it. Don't make it so she's then supporting you about this, that'd be ridiculous.

It's awful if anything bad happens to someone you love, and to know they've been going it alone. I hope we can help you here

Offred · 14/03/2017 14:16

Good post not, just a word of warning re the rapist - she may not know how to deal with your feelings re the rapist, a partner's anger at the rapist can be triggering as well as a whole load of other things.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/03/2017 14:19

You've had a real mixed bag of responses here, OP. Some very insightful, some less so. I think some posters are projecting a little bit which isn't really helpful but it's a very emotive subject so that's bound to happen.

I don't think it's fair or realistic to say that it's not your problem or that you shouldn't need to come to terms with this. Of course you should. If you love your partner then it's natural that you hurt for them. The alternative is to just to shrug and carry on with your life without giving it a second thought. Does that sound like a loving partner? Of course you shouldn't make it all about you when you deal with this 'in real life', but that is why you're here. You are actively looking for ways to support your girlfriend fully whilst getting your head around it privately so as not to burden her with your emotions. That sounds like the correct way to do it from my perspective.

People, including me, get cross with men who only start getting angry about rape when their partner or daughter is raped, when it's so, so common.

I don't really understand this. I mean, we all care more (or become more keenly aware) about things when they affect us or our families don't we? I have so much sympathy for families whose loved ones are murdered or missing, or victims of abuse etc. But I don't think that these issues would affect me to the point of needing help unless they happened to my family. There's nothing to suggest that OP hasn't always felt great sympathy for victims of rape, but obviously now he is confronted with the fact that it's happened to someone that he loves it is affecting him more.

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 14:20

Notmyrealname85 thank you your post was really helpful

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 14/03/2017 14:39

It's such a tricky balance between your anger/confusion and being there for her. The timing of you processing any feelings you have and knowing when to jump in and raise the issue/offer help. Just think with great clarity of mind, if there are only three or four things you want to tell her. Even if it's "I don't know how best to be there for you, or if and when you need help, but I'm here to do the best I can and I'll never stop being there for you".

If she asks how do you feel about it, be honest but sensitive. You're confused, so angry but above all want to be there for her, and you're astounded at her strength.

One person said this and it helped me to know what sort of person they were. It helps to know someone in your support network can be as good as you'd hoped :) so now I'm projecting!

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