Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out my GF was raped 9 years ago

106 replies

RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 12:03

I just found this out and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

I've been with her for 2 years (she's 24 and I'm 39) and she was raped 9 years ago when she was 15. The man was unknown to her and there is no way of tracing him let alone finding evidence.

She led a very different life to me and although she's totally turned it around now at the time she was hanging around with the wrong type of people.

Furthermore this could have been gang rape if her strength of character hadn't prevailed but thankfully she talked another man out of raping her too.

I've contacted the Rapecrisis charity for advice and will let my GF talk about it in her own time. She has never told anyone other than her best friend and now me. Up until now she convinced herself that she wanted to have sex with the rapist.

She is an extremely strong and independent character and I'm going to give her all the time and support she needs although she may never want to talk about it again.

therefore I need a place to express my feelings because I have no one else I can discuss this with.

My feelings are all over the place and may be someone her can help me clear my head and allow me to focus so I can be strong for my GF and not let my own feelings make a situation worse.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
RossDad79 · 14/03/2017 14:44

Thank you TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder.

Offred as I sat in the pub listening to her tell me I was very aware that I need to react correctly and as a result said very little but instead made sure I listened.

I wanted to say that 'I wanna kill this guy, 'tell me who he is' but I held my tongue as my gut feeling told me that it would be wrong to show an extreme emotion other than empathy.

She did tell me that she worried about telling her mum etc because she didn't want the big reaction and drama which is why she found it easy to talk to me.

How do I make sure she knows I'm here to listen and talk to without making an issue of it?

OP posts:
SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 14/03/2017 14:58

It's really good that she trusts you enough to tell you at all.

I was raped. I have only ever mentioned it on here. Those 3 words are the biggest words that ever don't make it out of my mouth. I can feel them rattling around sometimes, but they don't ever get said.

How do I make sure she knows I'm here to listen and talk to without making an issue of it?

You've already shown her that you're there by your actions and reactions so far. Holding your tongue and not saying you wanted to kill the guy is exactly what you should have said. Now she doesn't have to fear your emotion in response to what happened to her and she will talk to you if she needs to.

She might not need to again though. Or not for a very long time. Don't let it become a part of your relationship with her. It happened to her, it's not who she is.

Flowers
Offred · 14/03/2017 15:32

I'd maybe say just that TBH. That you will take your lead from her, you are available to talk about it whenever she wants or fine with not talking about it if she wants that too and ask if there is anything particular she needs from you.

KindDogsTail · 14/03/2017 15:33

It is very good you want to support your girlfriend but as others said, let her speak when she wants but don't make your feelings a problem for her.

It would be natural, however, for you to have lots of confused feelings yourself.

I think it would be best for you to get support for yourself independently, from some experienced advisors.

If you stay on this thread you may get some advice about what not to say to her - anything that makes her feel to blame or which treads into her private boundaries, but you do need to be able to express your feelings openly to someone without the need to censor your thoughts, whatever they may be.

Here, where many women will have been raped or know someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted, may not be the best place for you from that point of view.

Given the number of students who are raped by co-students, and that students go on to succeed in many professions - rapists, or ex-rapists, are around living their lives with impunity as doctors, lawyers, etc. So I so hope she is not blaming herself for her choice of friends at the time when she was raped.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 14/03/2017 17:59

I'm not sure if anyone else has said this, but the other thing to bear in mind is that her feelings are not a static thing. Even though this happened a long time ago, she may well experience a plethora of different emotions at different times. So there is no single correct response from you. You need to read her. Perhaps telling you will have stirred it up. Sometimes it's hard to deal with having "let the cat out of the bag" because you can't stuff the damn thing back in. It's out there. Whatever happens, it's out. If she has dealt with this alone for so many years, she possibly feels a bit of a lack of control right now.

Of course, she might be absolutely fine and feels that it's dealt with and in the past. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if she struggles with you. Just be patient. Sometimes it feels natural to lash out or be angry at somebody for feeling sorry for you because it reminds you that you are a "victim" and she probably does not view herself in that light. It's something that happened to her a long time ago, not what she "is". Does that make sense? I don't apply the terms "victim" or "survivor" to myself for that reason.

MycatsaPirate · 14/03/2017 18:11

There are some right vipers on this thread.

Op, I think you are so far doing the right thing. You are listening to her, not judging, not thrusting your opinions or thoughts in her face. You are just listening and believing.

I think some people are being very harsh on here. This is something you've only just found out about, of course you are shocked and probably angry and scared and overwhelmed. Your GF has had 9 years to process what has happened and probably comes across as very matter of fact when talking about it.

I was raped. I told my dp in a very matter of fact way because if I didn't then it would be too much to talk about. I cannot let my emotions out over it. I have to compartmentalise it in my head and only speak about it when I can rather than when someone else wants me too. So yes, it may be that your GF may just come out with something at some point or she may never mention it again.

I would ask her if there's anything which you may do which may trigger a reaction. Certain things leave me shaking, things which are innocuous to everyone else can leave me utterly terrified. So speak to her gently. Say you want to make sure you never trigger a flashback so if there's anything which could do that, to let you know. And then leave it.

JK1773 · 14/03/2017 18:20

Gosh there are some harsh posts on here. OP is asking for advice as to how to manage his feelings so as not to burden her and so that he can process what he has been told, and so that he can support her in the right way. That's all I've read from that.

She obviously loves you and trusts you implicitly to tell you this. I told only 2 people of my rape and both were a massive mistake and I now know I will never trust anyone else enough to tell them. My OH is wonderful and caring but I won't tell him ever and that's no reflection whatsoever on him but on the poisonous cruel ex and family member that I trusted with this secret, both of whom repeatedly threw it back at me in drink/arguments.

I think she will be relieved that you now know and you must take your cues from her if she ever wants to talk about it again. In the meantime do seek support with how to deal with your feelings, you sound like a very kind and decent man

JK1773 · 14/03/2017 18:22

I want to add that the family member who continuously threatens to 'expose' my secret is actually a support worker for victims of abuse. Nasty vile woman

RebelRogue · 14/03/2017 18:31
  1. When i talk about some of the things that happened to me,i do refer with one of them as "talking down" my would be rapist. It was pure luck.
  2. It's normal sometimes to react in such a way finding some you care about has been abused or raped. They might be matter of fact about it,they might even be over it,but for you..you're hearing it for the first time. It can be a shock,and you're only starting to deal with those feelings.
  3. It is good OP tried to find a place where he can rant,rave and be sad,so he can be supportive and whomever his GF needs him to be in real life,
  4. "Hanging out with a bad crowd" are those her words or your words OP? If they are her words,then you're just describing the "situation" as she described them to you.
SleepingTiger · 14/03/2017 20:11

Crikey, this thread fell apart so very quickly. Not the best that MN has to offer that's for sure.

witsender · 14/03/2017 20:28

I don't think posters have been harsh, some have just disagreed with some of the sentiments that have been expressed. And the key to handling this kind of issue from the outside, like the OP is, is to take all responses with equal weight, because they are all coming from the same place as his girlfriend. So her response to the sentiments expressed may be the same. None of them are wrong.

To my mind, the bit that stuck in my craw was the clumsy handling of trying to express that she had changed her life etc...As if her former position in the world had caused it. I know this isn't what you meant OP, and that you are working out your feelings on the subject...So please don't take my thoughts as an attack.

That sentiment can be applied to so many scenarios you see. I went to some very posh schools, and certainly didn't mix in many drug dealing circles as a teen. Yet i was raped. When i was drunk at my boyfriend's leaving ball. So if i saw DH asking for advice on how to deal with this on a forum saying "obviously she was very different back then, and barely drinks now"...It would be easy to read into it that my actions contributed to the result. Of course, had I not been drunk i could maybe have prevented it, but that doesn't make it my fault that it happened...If you see what i mean?

I don't know your girlfriend obviously, but i know that i cannot deal with histrionics or people making a fuss. So if i were to tell people, my worst nightmare would be handwriting and endless chats about how i feel about it. I'm a pragmatic soul at heart. But you are doing the right thing to take your cues from her, and save exploration of the wider subject for here.

witsender · 14/03/2017 20:29

Hand wringing, not writing. Smile

NotTheFordType · 14/03/2017 20:37

So your GF trusted you with part of her history and you decided to join a women-oriented forum and post in the part of it that would have the most rape survivors and talk about your feeeeeelings? how hard it is for you? Are you for real?

Fucking hell I'm so glad I'm single Hmm

dilapidated · 14/03/2017 20:37

I found it very hard to tell my DP I had been raped.
It was a long time after we met.

I certainly wouldn't want him talking to anyone about it as it's so personal and hard to deal with myself

thetreesarebare · 14/03/2017 21:13

Your only human & you need to process the fact that someone you love deeply was badly hurt. I would feel exactly the same. You wish you could have done something or helped in some way even though you weren't there. You want to compensate for that hurt now. You can, just by being there & listening & loving. Sounds like your already doing all that.

Sammysilver · 14/03/2017 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotTheFordType · 14/03/2017 21:40

Sammy, what a man pleasing comment, maybe you could just lay down on the floor and tattoo "doormat" across your back.

Sammysilver · 14/03/2017 21:44

I'm sorry but I don't subscribe to this binary position that is all too prevalent about gender, that appears to judge all men's motives as malevolent.

NotTheFordType · 14/03/2017 21:46

That's nice love.

thetreesarebare · 14/03/2017 21:48

Nottheford that's just cruel. Some people need to talk & express their emotions. If you don't have anyone in RL or his partner has specifically asked him to keep this to himself then why not an anonymous forum. Sometimes it helps to write things down & process those feelings. I think he's been incredibly brave to come here & ask for advice how to overcome his feelings to help his partner.

beepbeep · 14/03/2017 21:52

I was raped and had been married to my DH for a number of years before I told him, I do think he had things to come to terms with as well. He was angry, not with me, but that this had happened to me. He was upset that I had gone through it (& still suffer from the mental effects of it).

I think people are v harsh in saying that the GF needs support, not him. I do believe he needs support. There are rape lines and support groups that are there not just for rape victims, but for those around them. Despite this having happened many years ago, the OP is now an 'indirect' victim of the rape.

Good luck OP, give her space and support and also make time fr yourself to talk through how you feel with someone you trust.

Starlighter · 14/03/2017 21:54

OP, I'm shocked at some of the responses you've had... sorry Flowers

It must be awful to find out the person you love has been horribly violated in this way. You sound like a lovely caring boyfriend and I hope you find a way to work through this.

TedEriksen · 14/03/2017 22:06

Fucking hell I'm so glad I'm single hmm

Difficult to imagine why that would be...

thetreesarebare · 14/03/2017 23:01

Beepbeep is spot on.

Notmyrealname85 · 14/03/2017 23:08

NotTheFordType do you really think it's so simple an issue as this? Way to go on lacking empathy, full marks

Ross if you're still processing your thoughts please feel free to post here. Much better to be prepared for your gf and helping her in the long run, and just ignore these nobs

Is there not a reporting button for people who just post antagonistic sh-t?

Swipe left for the next trending thread