OH GOD! Contacted OW!

[BitterHarvest]

OH God! It seemed like a good idea after a lonely glass of wine last night. Now I'm regretting this.

My OH had a sex texting thing from some woman on the internet 4 years ago. I found out we worked through it. But I am not ashamed to say I have made him work for forgiveness and I'm not entirely sure I trust him now.

He recently changed his phone to a new network etc and gave me his old one. I just kept it as was and kept his number.

Got a text yesterday at Lunchtime.

"Hey sexty! Haven't heard from you an a looooooooong while. What you at 2day?"

I have had this phone since Christmas and this is the first message I have got. At the time I found out about her I found out she has. Boyfriend where he works and who her family are (open Facebook profile)

So last night in reply I sent a message saying Who I was and that I'd forwarded her message screen shot to her Boyfriend and her family..........I didn't, but I wanted to make her shake the way I did when inreceived her message.

Now I feel shit. I always felt I maintained a high ground when I wasn't even acknowledging her and in truth I'd forgotten about her. Do I need to tell OH what I did? I do don't I? 😒

Feel a bit crap today for doing that.

You did nothing wrong. Why do you think you have?

From your title, I thought you'd done something terrible.

so he didn't keep his number? He actually changed his number as well as getting a new phone?? Maybe part of the reason he got a new number was because he wanted her to no longer have his number

he has had no secret passwords or emails we are trying to have total transparency

That you know of. It takes seconds to open a new Facebook or email account. Could be he's just better at hiding it.

To me it looks like she forgot to delete his old number when saving the new.

As pp has suggested, do a search of her number on Facebook. If you find an account for her I'd be trawling her friends list for a 'friend' that could possibly be your DH.

Has she replied?

Ok. Have checked his phone and there is no sign of her number on it. I checked her face book profile it's all private now. I had a good look through his phone and with the exception of a couple eBay bids (bloody movie posters.) I wasn't aware of there is nothing surprising there.

I'm going out to search his car. Its the only other "him" space there is.

No she hasn't replied.

Doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong this time.
And nor have you!
In fact, good on you. Might make the bitch think twice next time.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. But there will of course be people on here who will tell you that it never ended etc etc etc. But if you look at the evidence:

He gave you his old phone, complete with old phone number. If his contact with her was more recent he would be worried that she would contact him on that number, even if he gave her his new one.

She said in her text that it had been a long time. It may well have been. We can't possibly know. I have friends I contact after years etc, and it's entirely possible that she e.g. May have been drinking for instance so texted him on the off chance. I have a friend who had an affair many years ago. After it ended he just wanted to move on with his life and forget about her. So he filtered out all her emails from his inbox, blocked her email address, blocked her on social media etc. And yet occasionally she has popped up on somewhere he's forgotten, like skype for instance, which he noticed when he logged in for the first time in a few years, so when she does, he just blocks her. Has now changed his number as well for other reasons so afaik she doesn't have any way of contacting him. But it's entirely possible that at some point she will just walk into his office. People are strange, and many don't take no for an answer. This particular one doesn't, and has form with other people as well.

Her number isn't in his new phone. If he couldn't remember that she might contact his old number there's no way he'd remember her number....

I would tell him actually. You haven't done anything wrong fwiw but I would still tell him that she got back in touch. He may be as horrified as you are.

All utter conjecture from the 'no way has it been 4 years' brigade. It might be unlikely but it is not impossible. I recently had a message from a boyf 20 years ago.

What a missed opportunity to have a long conversation with her, pretending to be him, that might've yielded some answers.

I'm sorry to suggest this OP, but it seems awfully convenient that shortly after he gave you his phone (but not so shortly after that it would look ridiculous), she texted after four years, and the whole point of the text seems to be to make it very clear that it's been a loooooong time since he's contacted her ...

Have you been at all suspicious lately, that your OH would be aware of? Could they be trying to throw you off the scent?

OP - did she know about you? If so she deserves to be on tenterhooks. Clearly she may be up to no good with her own BF, which is their issue, but it's not clear she knew about you...

I probably get one drunken 'hey how are you- long time no see' message from some guy or other I dated years ago at least once every 6 months ish, so I definitely wouldn't rule it out as a possibility. I think it's quite common. I'm sure they wake up the next day and think ' ugh. Why did I do that?'

I would tell her boyfriend!

I would contact her and say you know exactly what is going on, call her bluff, ask for details of all contact during the last few years in return for you not contacting all her family and friends.
Make her aware that even though she has made her fb private, you have their details from when it was public.

Then, you get your answer.

I went out with a guy back in 1997....every couple of years I get a text from him. It could be four years...you've had the phone for a few months now with nothing. I hope it's all okay for you.

I honestly think she's found herself single and is trying it on. I don't think it's a reply message. It reads to me like someone who is pissed and lonely trying to make "jokey" contact. Who says loooooooong time usually apart from teenagers?

Was her number still stored in the phone? Did you just know it was her because you recognised the name? If her number was stored I think that might bother me. A random text wouldn't though I'd just think she was trying it on.

Tbh i think your reply was ace. Deffo forward it to her bf!

I also bet she's single and she's chancing it

Good on you though OP!

I also think she's chancing it.

I heard from a boyfriend from 8 years ago recently. He'd seen I was in Facebook and messaged to say hello. I don't think it's out of the question that it's been 4 years.

What a bloody day.

I'm exhausted already. I was going to look through his car and in honesty did lookmthrough the under mat compartment things but decided to go in and have it out with him.

He said she sent a message a couple years ago which he ignored then again on his birthday last August and he politely told her he wasn't interested. He said he swore he hadn't contacted her and was insistent. I do believe him. He was furious that she had messaged so I told him what I did and he asked had she replied which she hadn't.

I do believe him so I'm hoping that's the end of it.

For those who asked. Yes she absolutely knew about me and the kids.

I feel for you OP. It is horrible to have old memories like that resurface. She has a damn cheek. Hopefully you've scared her off. I hope you're ok. I've gone through something similar myself recently and it has opened old wounds - very painful to be doubting everything again 💐💐

Stuff her. Don't waste another second on it. His behaviour and responses were good. She probably also had had a glass of wine. Anyhow, no matter. It's nothing. Try to forget it.

At least you know that while it won't be with your partner, she is still up to her old tricks and is misleading her own bf. She is bad. So forget her.

I personally wouldnt have raised it with him but I understand why you did.

I dont believe he politely told her he wasnt interested - I've never heard of a man yet who a/ wants to confront that head on with a woman, any woman or b/ politely composes a text to say so - i think they would rather die than have to say those words - even by text - for fear it will have repercussion that they might then have to deal with.

Either way, she clearly has had the wind put up her by your reply as she hasnt come back to you/at you in any way so I think you can put it to bed.