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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has started being really quite controlling.

365 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 12/03/2017 22:28

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 16:57

This is just bollocks.

Utter utter bullshit.

You don't know anything about me. You are making huge sweeping assumptions and judgements based on some scripted version of me you have in your heads.

It's laughable that you think those around me are tearing their hair out trying to get through to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. My cpn has discharged me, my therapy facilitator speaks about me in glowing terms, I've been stable on meds since before Christmas.

I'm not delusional or being obstructive about my own recovery. I'm living a healthy, normal life. I'm neither hypomanic or depressed for the first time in nearly three years.

Dh is happy, the kids are happy. No one is tiptoeing around me or on tenterhooks, other than a general watchfulness of my mood. I'm finally back to feeling like my old self and other than the occasional bottle of wine I am doing everything by the book.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to engage any further tbh. Some of you have decided you know me better than my own family and the actual professionals I see. It's barking.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 15/03/2017 18:25

Your right. We don't know you we can only piece together what we know from your posts.
Is your husband controlling- no. That's what you wanted to know.
You are a drunk though and you are obviously at peace with that. My partners ex wife is like that. Her relationship with red wine is more precious than the one with her children and they are ashamed and frightened of her- as adults she has even punched one in the head. She is a normal person, hardworking etc. Just won't give it up.
Not a great message to send your children though. And bi polar. Those drugs and booze don't work doesn't matter how much you justify and lie.
You need our collective approval as you know how wrong this is. And you do.....

DistanceCall · 15/03/2017 18:55

No one is tiptoeing around me or on tenterhooks, other than a general watchfulness of my mood.

I would call think "general watchfulness of your mood" is pretty synonymous with being on tenterhooks. Your husband doesn't trust you when you drink. And rightly so.

I don't know what you want, OP. No, the vast majority of people here don't think your husband is controlling. And no, the vast majority of people here don't think your drinking is a good idea.

Do with that what you will.

DistanceCall · 15/03/2017 18:57

Oh, and you might want to try and show this thread to your husband. It would be interesting to hear what he thinks about it.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:02

I've been reading bits out to him as we've gone along. His take on it is the same as mine.

It's all a bit moot now. I had a wobble about him being 'controlling' at the weekend. We've acknowledged that yes, he was a bit grumpy, and I was having all my negative filters pinged so was overreacting.

He's more than happy with a) how I am in general and b) how much and on what occasions I am currently drinking.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 15/03/2017 19:06

Good for you. No problem at all then. None whatsoever. Nope.

strawberryblondebint · 15/03/2017 19:19

I absolutely 100% do not believe that your husband doesn't mind you drinking. I have posted on some of your threads before. I think you are an alcoholic. I think you are massively in denial and using your mental health as an excuse. I hope that you stop finding excuses to moderate alcohol and admit this to yourself and for the sake of your children I hope you stop. I fell further than most people due to my alcoholism. It's taken me years to rebuild my life. I wouldn't wish that in anyone. For some of my friends didn't recover and the lucky ones are dead. The others are without their children and without their sanity

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:34

If I was in denial then why would I be going to weekly group? Why would I have reduced my drinking? I have an issue with alcohol and I'm addressing it. The counsellor is more than happy with my progress, and as I have said, the program I'm in doesn't hold abstinence as the holy grail.

You can believe what you like about dh. We are having some drinks together tomorrow night as he is off Friday and going away for the weekend. Not really the suggestion of someone who's desperately trying to stop me from drinking at all, is it?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 15/03/2017 19:45

OP, I took at look at your previous threads. You were in a bad place, as you said. But it was horrendous. And your husband was horrified by your drinking. He's still terrified, but he won't confront you because, as you yourself said, you tend to "implode".

He's having drinks with you so he can keep an eye on your drinking.

DistanceCall · 15/03/2017 19:47

And by the way, you probably don't realise it, but the way you cling onto drinking and argue so much about how reasonable it is to continue to drink is really, really striking. It sounds as if you would die if you couldn't drink alcohol again.

wannabestressfree · 15/03/2017 19:49

So you drank sat and then tomorrow. That's already more than you should as a healthy woman. Small glasses or not. I think it's odd you would chose to drink when your husband is going away and I wonder what sort of bloke he is thinking that's ok given your relationship with booze....

No one agrees with you so why keep posting?

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:52

I've no idea why I keep posting.

Probably just because I feel like my character has been completely and utterly trashed.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 15/03/2017 19:53

Because he wants you to be happy. He doesn't want you to 'implode'. He wants to probably try to be normal as well, like you both see all the 'normal drinkers'
But he also wants you to drink when he is drinking and present in his company. And not too much. And not in front of your mother. And not spending more money you don't have. And not spirits. And not in the daytime.

Therefore you are both complicit with the illusion that everything is just fine, and totally normal like all the other normal drinkers.

Your group do not want you to leave the group because you have an unrealistic goal. Their intention is not to force you to do anything you don't want to do but to realise it for yourself.

Alcoholism and addiction isn't about just liking too much booze, it is about using it inappropriately and excessively. So while you are on a normal level, you are low level abusing it (while on meds, and during a precious recovery period), in the grand scheme of things I am sure the low level desire for alcohol isn't the most important issue that you have.

Those of us who are harping on at you do so because now what is happening It's just that it plays in the background, like apps do on your phone. It's still there - it's just not in crisis. So you begin to believe that it's under control.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:55

And I'm not clinging on to drinking. I'm just fighting my corner with all of who are telling me my life is going down the pan and my husband is going to leave me.

It's really not an issue we think about anymore. I was a problem drinker for quite a while, not alcohol dependant, and with the help of a therapy program I've found I can drink for enjoyment at appropriate times.

If it all goes tits up and I find myself slipping back into daily drinking, then I'll go down the abstinence road.

OP posts:
PussInCoutts · 15/03/2017 19:57

I feel for you OP.

Seems like many people have latched onto a particular narrative and proceeded onto trashing you on the basis of that.

Yes I felt your DH was controlling in your original post.

Your alcohol issues are a separate issue.

I am friends with a few recovering alcoholics - one is soon celebrating two decades alcohol-free. AA worked for them brilliantly so maybe abstinence is something you'd consider? Mind you, it really doesn't seem like you have an alcohol problem if you only drink once a week.

That said, I barely drink myself because I know I could get addicted easily. If I find myself drinking three weeks in a row (one day a week) I will stop for months completely just to make sure I'm not reliant on the substance.

I feel sorry for you for being the target of such anger and vile posts that assume to know your situation better than anyone in RL.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:58

And I'm not sure why people are disbelieving about the therapy group. It's a common model. It's just not the same as the great and mighty AA.

It's really not the case that they are saying one thing and I'm hearing another.

OP posts:
Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 19:58

Thanks Puss.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 15/03/2017 20:00

i am nearly 40 and in my entire life I have never met or heard of anyone who had a drinking problem 'for a while' and 3 months later learned how to manage it swiftly like this.

Why would you only address it if its daily drinking? That's literally bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 15/03/2017 20:02

It's not three months later though. I've been in therapy for a long time.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 15/03/2017 20:03

Don't then.
Start another thread like you did earlier and leave this one.
No one is forcing you to post.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2017 20:07

'You can believe what you like about dh. We are having some drinks together tomorrow night as he is off Friday and going away for the weekend. Not really the suggestion of someone who's desperately trying to stop me from drinking at all, is it?'

Probably hoping if he does it with you one night that he can keep an eye on you and it might be one less night you won't drink when he's not there.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2017 20:11

'I feel sorry for you for being the target of such anger and vile posts that assume to know your situation better than anyone in RL'

She's posted at length about it all for a while now. It's always the same, serious mental health condition combined with alcohol which resulted in several suicide attempts and running up a great deal of debt, the husband working a lot to pay it all and until recently also doing most or all of the other work, now husband is being 'controlling' because he's not letting her have access to booze and money unrestrained and how awful that is and how it's all better now.

If the husband were a woman posting about a spouse like this, there would have been a chorus of LTB.

PussInCoutts · 15/03/2017 20:15

Expat but the controlling situation with children's bedtime had nothing to do with alcohol Confused

It was controlling behaviour. OPs DH may have understandably adopted a parenting role towards OP but that is still controlling. I hope they sort it out - it's what killed my and XH's marriage.

PussInCoutts · 15/03/2017 20:17

I get the feeling that people just see the label alcoholism and the stigma, and everything OP does is wrong based on that, and everything OPs DH does is perfectly saintly.

Life doesn't work like that.

OPs DH sounds in principle great and supportive.

I hope OP gets more support, sounds awful to be so tired. Is it the bipolar meds? Worth looking into autism honestly, because many women with AS get falsely medicated for bipolar etc.

Lists - look out for (google) Rudy Simone - asperger women

expatinscotland · 15/03/2017 20:20

'Expat but the controlling situation with children's bedtime had nothing to do with alcohol confused'

Yes, it did. She agreed to two glasses of wine, broke that agreement and had three + cocktail. So he's supposed to just 100% trust her again? I have to say, I agree with WannaBe, I'd have made it no alcohol, ever, or we're through. Hats off to him for even going this far. Like I said, I can only imagine how this thread would read if he were a woman posting about her husband's behaviour being like the OP's.