Don't know what to do -sorry, may upset some

[Dontfeelreal]

Please help me.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid but I'm very upset and struggling to function.

My marriage has not been working so we've not been intimate for months but today my husband has manipulated me until I've done as I'm told even though I cried the whole time. He made me come home from work knowing that I had a difficult deadline (I've missed it but actually can't even care about it) and I had to go back after and try act normally but did end up crying when a colleague was nice to me and have kept having to try keep myself together.

I don't know if it's rape because I didn't actually say no and did what he said but he knew I didn't want to and still made me feel like I had no choice.

I don't know what is going on and I'm pretending to be unwell so I can be in bed because all I can do is cry. I don't know what to do.

I didn't want to have to make the kids leave their home but I'm starting to think that there's no alternative. Thinking about packing and sneaking some things away whilst he's out today.

Wrt to packing, try getting hold of any paperwork you can get your hands on quickly - passports, birth certificates, bank statements
If you can't, it's fine, they can be reordered but it just speeds things up if you have them
Any special toys the kids have, any medications you need

0808 2000 247 - domestic violence helpline

You can self refer to a refuge, if there's space you could be in today/tomorrow

Good luck, you are a strong woman

How old are your children? Honestly, they are amazingly adaptable. I didn't want to move either, but my ex came back and refused to leave, and I knew there was no way I could continue to live with him, I'd have ended up suicidal or sectioned. We've just moved again and the boys are really excited about their new home, they're not upset by the move at all.

Flabbered, I'm scared that those are the only options for me. I'm hoping that on the phone today will help my resolve. I've got places to go it's just the act of taking those first steps that I don't feel capable of. I know I can handle any future except staying with him, I'm so scared of what I will become if I don't get moving.

It is scary, what so many people have said to me since we separated is that it's like someone switched my lights back on... I was so ground down by my ex that I was barely functioning...I knew the marriage was over, I was just too scared to admit it, but within a week of asking him to leave I'd been discharged by the mental health crisis team, that's how big an impact it had on me. Looking back with hindsight I'd have maybe done things differently but I don't ever regret actually splitting up, not even for a millisecond.

Here's a typical example of my ex's behaviour. I'd wanted a home birth with DS2, but he got into distress and I was rushed into hospital and eventually had a crash c-section, DS2 nearly died (he's fine now). I was very upset the night after he was born and was sobbing in my cubicle on the ward after exH had gone home. One of the midwives felt sorry for me and said she would try and find a private room so that exH could come back to hospital and spend the night. I range exH to tell him he could come back and he told me he was too tired and was going to bed. I begged and pleaded with him, sobbing down the phone, to come back but he wouldn't. He was even late coming to see us in hospital he next morning.

I'm not saying this compares in any way to what you've been through, in fact I'm not quite sure why I typed it, but it's there now so it may as well stay.

My heart hurts reading this. Please please get the kids and just go. Once you are in a place of safety with family or friends and have explained to them they will support you and help you get what you need out of the house for the DC.

Much love X

OP we are here for you. No person should have to live in a 'marriage' where they feel do desperate and unhappy. You and your kids deserve more.

Get up, pack up and leave with the kids. There is happiness in your future but not with this man.

Feeling so bad for your OP, your fear is palpable.

Just cling on to the voices telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is NOT your fault and that you and your children will never regret you leaving him, your life will improve so much this will all feel like a bad dream.

I do feel I must say to you - and don't want to add to your anxiety - that leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time so please please don't tell him you are planning to leave him.

As a previous poster said, get any docs you can together - passports, birth certificates, bank cards and details etc - and go while he is out.

Don't answer his calls or texts. He will send dozens. Ignore.

He will 100% threaten suicide. Ignore.

He will switch from absolute fury and threatening to get the kids off you to sorrow and regret and being suddenly lovey dovey. Ignore.

Very best of luck and sending you love and strength.

One more here rooting for you op.
It takes an incredible amount of strength to leave this kind of person. They have you believing black is white and you go along with it as a survival technique, because to stand up to them is to live in a constant battle.

OP you are important and you are loved.
You are stronger than you realise and you can do this. Last July was a turning point.

It might feel scary at first, but when you get out of this and look back in 12 months, you won't recognise yourself.

I think you tired it because you know that women like us have a thousand examples of such callous behaviour and casual cruelties that are so frequent that we are led to believe that we are mad/unreasonable/demanding/psycho/a mental bitch etc etc

Love your heart.

I hope I'm not going to let you all down. I'm disgusted with myself. At work and everywhere else I'm really quite clever and people like me. They would be shocked by this useless pile of shit at home.

Oh dear, that didn't make sense because I was replying to flabbered and mis typed the word 'typed'. I should go today but I literally don't think I can summon the will. Then I think about him getting in bed with me tonight and my head goes to pieces.

Just go, stop thinking about it, get in the car with the kids and go. Please. The relief you will feel when you are in a place of safety is so worth it.

You will do this for yourself and your children, not for us on MN. It's natural to wobble and feel so apprehensive so don't call yourself names or fear our responses.

I hope you're able to make that call today, but if you aren't able, would you be able to pack bags and get them in the car? Would you be able to go to that person's house? If so, could you just go on the pretext of a visit and once you're there say "Can I stay?"

I'm just thinking that maybe it would be mentally easier for you to leave if you had an 'escape hatch'. Meaning that once you were there you'd either ask to stay or be able to return home without anyone the wiser. You could tell yourself "Once I'm there, I'll make a decision". I think that once out, you'd stay out. But if not, you'll at least know you that you do have the ability to pack a bag and leave.

You don't have to take legal action - Rape Crisis did not pressure me to go to the police (though as it is recent they may encourage you but you can decline) and even if you do report to the police they will not go forward without your say-so (they were brilliant with me).

The fact that you're scared of what he'll do if he catches you crying is heartbreaking. Please please start by contacting Rape Crisis, Women's Aid, The Samaritans. Do you have any friends or family who you could stay with tonight?

Please please remember that this is not your fault - he is responsible for any fall out from this, not you. The only life that will be ruined will be yours if you stay.

OP I hope you find the strength to do this today, but remember you don't HAVE to do anything, you certainly won't be letting us down, we'll be here for you whatever you do.

We're not your judges, OP. People here just want to help and support you. You and your DC have a right to peace and freedom. Take the time you need to get away safely. The next thing is telling people in real life.

How old are your children? Do you have money?

You won't regret going op. I didn't!

Hope you're OK. Making the decision to end things is the hardest step. Doesn't mean you have to leave today.

How are you doing OP?

Just posting to say you are in someone's mind, hope you're as ok as you can be. Good luck getting to the place you want to be. Be brave, your world could be a very different shape in twelve months.

Good luck in getting out, OP. You aren't all the bad things you've called yourself - many of us here know how bloody hard it is to leave when we've been ground down by abusive men and made to think we are worthless when we are not. However difficult leaving is, it's totally worth all the upheaval, and your kids will thank you when they are older. You are worth so much more than spending another minute with this abusive man.