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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do -sorry, may upset some

102 replies

Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 17:47

Please help me.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid but I'm very upset and struggling to function.

My marriage has not been working so we've not been intimate for months but today my husband has manipulated me until I've done as I'm told even though I cried the whole time. He made me come home from work knowing that I had a difficult deadline (I've missed it but actually can't even care about it) and I had to go back after and try act normally but did end up crying when a colleague was nice to me and have kept having to try keep myself together.

I don't know if it's rape because I didn't actually say no and did what he said but he knew I didn't want to and still made me feel like I had no choice.

I don't know what is going on and I'm pretending to be unwell so I can be in bed because all I can do is cry. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Sherlock35 · 10/03/2017 18:37

Also, if you have a local women's centre, they might be able to help you too.

CharlotteCollins · 10/03/2017 18:39

I was that age when I left the H I no longer loved because of how he treated me. I don't think you're pathetic at all. You are stronger than you think: you just feel weak because living with this kind of behaviour is a constant struggle.

Speak to Women's Aid. They will keep it all confidential and they will help you come up with a plan. Or come up with a plan here.

First step: be kind to yourself. Don't let his voice get inside your head and become your thoughts.

OutsSelf · 10/03/2017 18:40

I think being scared of the fallout is the point isn't it? If you were my friend, I would not tire of hearing about this, hoping all the time you'd catch yourself saying something that gave you back your wind.

It's not pathetic to be overwhelmed by abuse, it's what abuse is meant to do. The push of leaving is huge. No huger than anything you are already facing, though.

octoberfarm · 10/03/2017 18:42

Oh sweetheart, you are NOT pathetic. You've been through something terrible (and by the sounds of it, many years of terrible) and what he did was rape. No normal man has sex with a woman who he knows doesn't want to be intimate and cries all the way through. I know you must be so scared, but please know that there are people here to support you, and that you're not the one in the wrong here. Take a deep breath, and when you're ready, give women's aid a call. They're used to handling situations just like yours and will support you in whatever way you need them to. You can do this. This is him, not you. The most important thing is that you and your kids are safe: make that your priority. Take it one step at a time, but I promise you can do it. Thinking of you Flowers

BettyBaggins · 10/03/2017 18:44

No right to complain? He is talking out of his cowardly arse.

I want some happy years and I won't get them with him. Right then, something needs to be done, the longer you leave it the worse you will feel about yourself and the more damage the atmosphere at home will do to your DC.

He has ground you down but Women's Aid will help build you up again so that you can rebuild a happy life. You and your DC deserve a happy life.

Don't think about it too, just because you have been together for 19 years does not in any way mean you have to take this any minute longer. His behaviour is changing from what you have told us and he does have the capacity to be violent with you so it is imperative that you protect your safety.

balia · 10/03/2017 18:44

It's not your fault.

You are a good person who loves normally; that's why you don't want to hurt this person you love. Your confusion is because you would never treat a person you loved in this way, so you don't understand what has happened.

He doesn't love normally and doesn't think it matters that you are hurt so long as he gets his needs met. He will do whatever it takes to get his needs met; the your needs, and your children's needs are not as important. Let yourself understand this, through all the shock and tears.

You can be free. This is not your fault. Be careful and safe. Be glad you can still feel sorry for him and be sorry for him from a distance, with you and your children safe and happy.

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 18:44

I can't stop crying and he'll go mad if he catches me.

I love your hearts for giving me hope.

I wish I had never dreamed of a nicer life in the first place though. It was easier trying to keep my head in the sand. I'm very scared and feel incredibly anxious.

OP posts:
wrongnumberEE · 10/03/2017 18:45

Aww sweetie! This hurts to read!

This is exactly what the last few years of my marriage was like. He made me have sex with me, even if I was crying, and verbally abused me when I refused.

It took me years to finally leave but am so happy I finally did. Me too was scared of the fallout and also pitied him wondering if he would be ok on his own.

You can get out of this and you DO deserve some happy years! Please start making plans.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 10/03/2017 18:47

My mum and I have talked a lot recently about how, in a long term relationship, women often normalise unacceptable behaviour - and the result is that you begin to feel diminished as a person and eventually, worthless of helping. I used to say "But he never hit me" - no, but he used to get right in my face and scream abuse at me until I complied with his demands. You need support in both the short and long term.

Mumtobe12 · 10/03/2017 18:47

My thoughts are with you please remember this is not your fault

Sherlock35 · 10/03/2017 18:47

I know how scary it is and how much it HURTS, thinking of what might have been and what your life can be. But it CAN be the way you want it to be. You deserve more and better and you can do this. Deep breaths x

Emmageddon · 10/03/2017 18:50

Honey, call Women's Aid. Please, do it now. Life can be so much better than this. You are only 37, you could live another lifetime and a decade or so more. Get yourself somewhere safe and be happy.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/03/2017 18:51

What it boils down to is this: you deserve better. You deserve to have a partner who wakes you up with a cup of tea in the morning, someone who sees something in the supermarket and thinks "Oh, She will love that." And gets it. You deserve someone who cuddles you when you're asleep just because they want to feel close to you and can't stop talking about you because they love you so much.

This current situation is so far removed from what you deserve. I've come out of an abusive situation myself and I know the conflict you're experiencing because I have experienced this. You still love him, you wonder if you're over analysing what's happening and if it's your fault.

It helps to look at it logically and objectively; i.e. How would you feel if your child had posted your OP? or your best friend.

You deserve better OP, you really do. You're still so young. You have been treated appallingly. Nothing justifies this. Nothing.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 10/03/2017 18:56

Oh, it makes me so bloody angry. It will only get worse, OP. The irony in my situation is that my ex used to constantly threaten that if I didn't do what he wanted, he'd get our son taken away - social services are now involved and they are doing everything to ensure DS and I stay together - and that ex is out of the picture. You only need to make one call. I wish you all the courage in the world.

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 19:00

I don't want to ruin his life with legal action etc. I just don't want to be here any more. I considered suicide very seriously even before it got to this point but I don't want to leave my children or hurt them in any way and haven't got the spine anyway.

Not having sex and being able to escape to work were my only ways to control a little bit of something and I feel like both have been taken away.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/03/2017 19:03

No decent man has sex with a woman who is crying. It's not normal. It's not remotely OK. Please take this as reassurance that you're not to blame for any of this. And you're not pathetic. What you are is beaten down by many years of abuse.

You are very scared and feel incredibly anxious because you're reaching the point where you are not going to put up with him any more. And taking the action to split with him is, understandably, very frightening. But what I've heard, time and again, is that once you finally bite the bullet your life, and that of your DC, will improve immeasurably - and at surprising speed. I've read so many posts from women about the happiness they feel when finally they are out from under, living in a home that is no longer overshadowed by abuse.

Take care of yourself and of your DC. Don't waste your time fretting over your DH. He put his cards on the table when he raped you. He's your enemy rather than your DH. A husband should be a partner and a lover. Not a bully and a sexual aggressor.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2017 19:07

Oh love, I think your friends (and probably your family too) are just waiting for you to make 'that call' to them. If you've thought they sounded 'frustrated', it's frustration born out of love and fear for you. Please call one of them, tell them that you've finally 'heard them' and you want out. I think they'll be overjoyed to hear it.

The next step is how to accomplish it safely (and quickly). Women's Aid can help you. And since you are married, a solicitor will be a necessity.

I understand your fear for the future. Unless you are in actual fear of the physical safety of yourself or your children, you have time to stop, breathe, and make a plan.

As far as the rape you suffered today, it should be reported and prosecuted but that decision is up to you. I'd call rape crisis and speak to them about preserving evidence and the effects of delaying the report until you've left safely.

There are lots of 'tips and tricks' for an 'exit plan'. When you're ready, just ask on this thread, you'll get plenty!!!

BettyBaggins · 10/03/2017 19:08

Imagine a week ahead, imagine it's over, imagine you and the DC are free and safe.

You won't be ruining his life, he has already done that and you do not have to involve the police.

Women's Aid will help you leave safely and then as Prawn posted your life will 'improve immeasurably - and at surprising speed.'

Have you any family support?

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 19:13

I think I could probably have a lot of support if I can just take the first step.

I need to leave even if I don't report this and I know it. I just don't know how and feel immobilised by my anxiety and fear. I cried all the way to work this morning knowing that something bad had to happen next but I can't believe that I'm actually having to acknowledge that he has done that to me and I think he knows it too. I feel like I've a huge stone on my chest.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 10/03/2017 19:13

please talk to someone irl-hes ruined this not you the legal action is all on him

hes abused you its against the law-would u feel sorry for anyone else that had raped u

BettyBaggins · 10/03/2017 19:28

That's good to know you will have support when you are ready to take the next step. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help.

What first step do you feel like you might be able to make?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2017 19:35

I don't want to ruin his life with legal action etc.

Oh sweetie, your life is just as valuable as his is! He doesn't care about ruining your life by raping you. You don't need to care about ruining his by making him face up to the consequences of his actions.

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 19:37

I just don't know. I'm wondering if it might be safer to suggest that I need space rather than just out and out leave then he might react more carefully in the hope of maintaining his control long term?

Can't get through to any help lines. Sort of relieved but had psyched self up to make contact.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2017 19:39

I just don't know how

Think about who in your life would be most willing and/or able to assist you. Then dial that number. When they answer just say "I need your help to leave my H". If you don't want to get into the nitty gritty of what's happened add "I don't want to talk about what's happened. I just need help in leaving".

Don't worry about the whens and hows of leaving right now. Just make that phone call. The rest will fall into place, I guarantee it.

BettyBaggins · 10/03/2017 19:46

Well done for trying to make contact with the helplines. You can email them instead remember - [email protected]

I'm not sure that mentioning you need space is going to help you long term on that road to happiness, it may give you a little space to make plans but it may also stop you making plans and elongating the process. That is something you can talk over with a support service.

Is he at home? Are you in danger if he hears you calling them?