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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do -sorry, may upset some

102 replies

Dontfeelreal · 10/03/2017 17:47

Please help me.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid but I'm very upset and struggling to function.

My marriage has not been working so we've not been intimate for months but today my husband has manipulated me until I've done as I'm told even though I cried the whole time. He made me come home from work knowing that I had a difficult deadline (I've missed it but actually can't even care about it) and I had to go back after and try act normally but did end up crying when a colleague was nice to me and have kept having to try keep myself together.

I don't know if it's rape because I didn't actually say no and did what he said but he knew I didn't want to and still made me feel like I had no choice.

I don't know what is going on and I'm pretending to be unwell so I can be in bed because all I can do is cry. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
abc12345 · 10/03/2017 19:47

You have posted on here because you know what has happened is wrong. Pack your bags before anything else happens to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Xx

pog100 · 10/03/2017 19:48

Keep calling, you will feel so much better if you start things to get free.

Miserylovescompany2 · 10/03/2017 19:53

OP, you've taken a HUGE step by admitting to yourself what has happened. It took me a long time to even get to that point, once I did, I never looked back.

First and foremost your safety comes first. Do you have anywhere safe you can stay tonight?

Take this one step at a time. The thing is (I know how difficult this part is) the sooner you confide in someone the sooner you'll be able to break free from the abuse.

At present, your fear of the unknown is stopping you. Believe me, you have nothing to be frightened about.

If he pulls the "I'm going to kill myself shite" you phone the police and let them know. They will deal with him. People who use threats or ending their own life to control another are sick fuckers.

Thinkingofausername1 · 10/03/2017 20:58

Leave as soon as you can. You are still young enough to start again. You must be feeling so scared Flowers

pudding21 · 10/03/2017 21:48

OP: this is your line, he's totally crossed it. You sound like you've been unhappy for ages, and he's been getting worse and worse. No woman should be with a man that controls you like that. You don't have to report it, just get it logged in YOUR head the details and what he has done. Get angry, get your shit together and exit. It might take you a while if you think you are ok to stay. If you feel at all threatened, remove yourself immediately. Do you have anyway you could go in a hurry? Start mobilising your inner warrior and leave. For the sake of your mental health and that of your children. Flowers

Lostsoul231 · 10/03/2017 22:08

What you are going through is awful and you deserve so much better. You have been worn down for years, it appears.
Please take the first step to a better life
Big hug Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 10/03/2017 22:11

I think saying you're leaving for a bit for space might help you to do the actual getting out, yes - that sounds good. Do you have somewhere to go?

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 01:08

OP you do not deserve this shit. He is treating you appallingly. Do you want your children think this is normal?

One of the other abusive relationships I have read about on mumsnet the evil husband turned their kids against their mum.

You need to get out safely. Please talk to women's aid. Keep trying if safe to do so.

Flowers
Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 01:10

Please be strong. Suicide would give your evil rd your kids. You are worth so much more. Happiness and peace a d freedom are out there. You will get through this. Angry get angry but first get out.

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2017 01:11

Evil not so dear h.

Graphista · 11/03/2017 01:18

Please call any of the people in your life who care about you. If I received a call like that I would do all in my power to get you out of there safely.

Nobody can make you report to the police that is your choice but please bear in mind you're possibly in shock and may change your mind later.

I am so sorry you have been through this. Flowers

Sherlock35 · 11/03/2017 08:21

OP, how are you doing?

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 11/03/2017 09:24

Morning Sherlock.

I thought I was doing really well this morning. I don't dress early on a weekend so it's not unusual that I'm in my robe but I got up and made my littlest his breakfast and have been reading the news. Then I started reading an article about something funny and started laughing then suddenly crying again.

My little man has a birthday party at 11 and I'm dreading going and having to interact with the other mums. I actually don't know how I will cope with the 'how are you?' and pleasantries. I'm going to have to try switch my mind off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 11/03/2017 09:28

I actually think he will make me insane if I don't act. I'm so scared of making a decision and acting on it.

That's not true actually, I decided I didn't want him any more in July last year and tried to turn all my feelings off when he is home. It's just the acting that is scary.

OP posts:
Sherlock35 · 11/03/2017 10:29

I honestly empathise with how scary it is. Making the decision and then acting on it. It is terrifying. Have been thinking about you a lot. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

You've been through a terrible experience. It's bound to have an affect on you re the crying. How old is your littlest? Do you have a friend who can take him to the party? Or can you leave him there and collect him at the end? Get some alone time?

ceecee32 · 11/03/2017 11:04

Yes its scary - you will have no idea what will happen but you will get through it to a better life.

My ex (long time ago) did something the same to me, he dragged my upstairs by my hair and had sex with me. I can't say that I tried to stop him because I didn't - just wanted it over. I have a memory of having a cup of tea and shaking afterwards but thats all I remember.

It was his last attempt to control me.

After that I managed to tell my mum - it turned out that she had been waiting for years to see sense and she couldn't have been better. Even left her home with me to a B & B when he went and put all the window through... he went through the going to commit suicide script but she made me see that he was not my responsibility.

Life is good now, not found anyone else but have found an independence which is fantastic - looking back although I know I lived through a period of having no life at all its as if its all wiped from my memory. People like him take away all your confidence and your belief in yourself, its still there you just need to dig a bit deeper to find it at first.

You have taken the first step - it wont be easy but you can do it. Tell your family - tell womens aid - or someone. People are there to help and for you to lean on.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/03/2017 18:14

Remember that childbirth was scary, too. But wasn't it worth it and didn't you feel wonderful afterwards? I know it's not exactly the same thing. But many worthwhile (and necessary) things in life are scary. Life is scary, if you think about it. Stepping out in faith into something unknown takes courage. And I know that you are not a coward. No mother is a coward, when it comes down to it. Not when it comes to what is best for our DC.

And what is best for our DC is to have a mother who is happy and peaceful. Like you would be once you get out of this situation. Yes, there will be hills to climb and mud to slog through. But it will be so worth it in the end.

Make that call. It doesn't mean you have to pack your bags and leave today. It just means that you have taken that first small step.

Italiangreyhound · 12/03/2017 00:19

Thinking of you OP. You are worth so much more than this fear.

I hope women's aid will be able to help.

GeekyWombat · 12/03/2017 07:30

Hi OP was thinking of you this morning. I hope your DC's birthday party went well and you're doing ok.

TheOnlyWayIsMN · 12/03/2017 07:41

This is such a sad post to read. Can you make an emergency appointment with your GP and at least get it documented? That way if it comes to proceedings relating to divorce/access arrangements it is documented.

Also, they will be able to give you support in the form of medication, counselling/CBT or support groups.

Good luck, the first step is the hardest one.

midnightswirls · 12/03/2017 08:02

don'tfeelreal I know how scared you are I've been there! I'm currently in a women's refuge. It's definitely rape and you're not stupid at all. It's all his fault and not yours. He obviously has been emotionally and mentally damaging over time. Please leave it will only get worse and could get physical. Ring women's aid. I did and that's how came to realise it was abuse. It's all confidential and they hear things everyday so will not be shocked. They will help you and point you in what direction is best. Leaving is the hardest. I was so scared how he was going to react and worry it could get worse. Thankfully it didn't and my mental health is so much better now I don't live with the poisonous narc anymore.

Sherlock35 · 12/03/2017 08:09

Hey, OP. How are you doing today?

Original poster
Dontfeelreal · 12/03/2017 10:03

I'm struggling. I was relieved that my period started today, it was a cast iron guarantee that he would not pursue anything again at least for a week. He's had a go at me for having my period too frequently!

Why aren't I out of the door?!

Will have chance to try call someone again today. I'm praying that they answer.

I am so angry with myself. I have places I can go but feel frozen.

OP posts:
Sherlock35 · 12/03/2017 10:05

Just keep breathing. Keep going. That's all you need to do.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 12/03/2017 10:13

I was scared to leave too. My ex was never physically abusive, but emotionally, financially and mentally...he made me feel like my needs and wants were completely unimportant to him, that I didn't matter at all. I got seriously unwell with it all, (under the MH crisis team, very close to hospitalisation). Thankfully my mum came to stay and one day (exactly 2 years ago today as it happens), something in me just snapped and I told him to go.

It's been a struggle, I won't lie, I have 2 children aged 7 and 4, and he's continued to bully and belittle me, but he doesn't have that control, anymore; I've never looked back, never once questioned whether I was right to leave (he's in the family home now, I left with the boys but that's a long story and I don't want to hijack). But you will find the strength to get through it, you'll find reserves you never knew you had, and you'll find support where you least expect it.