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Original poster

Feeling really uncomfortable after this exchange...

103 replies

Sassypants82 · 03/03/2017 18:14

Just went with DH to pick up our DS from creche. As we were getting into our car, I gears a little shout & looking into the car beside us, saw the little baby (about 8 months old) of another mother, whose child attends creche. She was just sitting in her seat & responded to my smile and seemed happy & relaxed. We all know this is wrong, incredibly dangerous & seriously illegal. We've all heard the terrible stories of babies perishing in hot weather etc. I said to my husband that I wanted to wait until the mother came out and back to her baby. At this, he got really (strangely) agitated & stressfully asked me to 'please get into the fucking car'. My DH & I do not speak to one another like this & I'm appalled that he spoke to me, like that, in front of my almost 3 year old.
He was so agitated & strange that I got into the car as opposed to waiting with the baby as I wanted to. I said I felt very uncomfortable about leaving her & he said that I need to report her & take her number plate in that case, not approach her outside creche & create a 'situation'.

  1. I had no intention of losing the plot with her, rather remind her that this is not OK & that her dd was shouting & I suppose somewhat shame her into thinking twice the next time.
  2. I was NOT happy with how my DH spoke to me & calmly said so. He replied that he didn't want me acting vigilante, basically.
I reminded him that I am responsible for my own behavior & it's not within his control to ask me to do, or not behave however I decide to, as I'm an independent adult. Furthermore, I told him his tone & language us not acceptable & I will not allow him to speak to me like that. I would have liked to discuss it more but DS was getting a little upset & picking up on vibes. He has gone to paint our nursery furniture now & I'm with DS who is happily having his Friday evening TV time. I feel so uncomfortable at the fact that I left a baby locked in a car and at how DH spoke to me. This is VERY out of character for him though none the less acceptable. I'd be so embarrassed to relay this exchange to my friends. I am 36 was pregnant, incase that's relevant & the other mother's older child had downs syndrome, which I think made my DH particularly worried about me saying something to her. I will discuss this more with him when DS is sleeping but I feel absolutely awful about both incidents now. I know I should have waited with the baby. Feel horrible.
OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 04/03/2017 12:07

Health visitors used to make me do this. We weren't allowed to take car seats or pushchairs into clinic so I would have to leave one twin in the car, run other twin in and leave her with hv while I then went back and got the other. Leaving a baby in the car for 2 minutes in non sweltering conditions is not illegal. It's pretty much the same as me parking outside my house and taking a sleeping twin in upstairs to her cot, then going to get the other. Unless there were any other reasons for concern then get a grip.

Fmlgirl · 04/03/2017 22:40

You sound like hard work.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 04/03/2017 22:54

Think op is getting a little bit of a beating here. I'd have to look up if it's illegal in the US to leave a baby unattended in the car but pretty sure it is, or if not then you'd get in fairly serious trouble if someone reported you. There are plenty of stories here of cars being stolen with children inadvertently being stolen along with the car because the thief didn't notice them in the backseat. Of course that's sort of a worst case scenario. I too would want to wait with the baby just in case. And I would also get cold in an unheated car in 6 degrees pretty fast... (Presumably baby is not wearing a coat in the car seat).

In any case think the main point was the way the dh spoke to her? which sounds like it needs working on.

UnderTheF1oorboards · 04/03/2017 23:02

If her child with Down Syndrome is a bolter (mine is) she probably made a considered decision which was safest for both her children. I've verbally flattened parents of only NT children before now who think they know better than me how I should manage my children. Beak out.

PaterPower · 05/03/2017 00:27

In any case think the main point was the way the dh spoke to her? which sounds like it needs working on.

No, I really don't think it does. And him telling her to "get in the fucking car" would have been as nothing compared to what she'd have got from the Mum had she stuck around to shame her.

EyeStye · 05/03/2017 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EyeStye · 05/03/2017 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eminado · 05/03/2017 05:04

I don't think it's OK to do that.

But the mother of the child does.
And it's not your place to tell her she is wrong. You sound very opinionated about things that have nothing to do with you. Your husband spoke to you rudely I agree but I am just wondering if you always go around bossing about other people?

TheStoic · 05/03/2017 05:39

And him telling her to "get in the fucking car" would have been as nothing compared to what she'd have got from the Mum had she stuck around to shame her.

You might be ok with your husband speaking to you that way, but thankfully many women are not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2017 05:50

Some countries will likely have laws governing leaving children alone in the car. She doesn't specify where she is. In some states of America, I think you're not suppposed to leave a child home alone till age 14 or something.

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 06:56

You might be ok with your husband speaking to you that way, but thankfully many women are not

Actually, if I flip this and my husband was lying in wait to kick off dictating how another parent should behave and lay down how what his standards are, I'd be telling him to get in the fucking car too, and probably be adding not to be such a cunt.

I don't have an issue with swearing and swear when the occasion calls for it, I do have an issue with actions. In this case the intended action is worse than the swearing.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 05/03/2017 06:57

I think your DH was massively irritated by your interfering behaviour and I very much doubt it was as straight forward as that. I think you've exchanged a few words about the situation before he's finally snapped and sworn at you, which obviously isn't ok, but you're not going to be traumatised by it really are you.

What you were about to do was ridiculous. The baby was outside nursery, in March. The mother didn't need reminding that children shouldn't be left in hot cars, or for long periods of time or whatever else you were going to impart to her. She made a judgement based on the precise circumstances for the day: more than one child is a game changer and it might be worth you remembering that.

Maybe the eldest child would need carrying, with bags and a baby this isn't possible. Maybe the eldest is a bit of a flight risk and waking across the car park with elder child, bags and a baby is more dangerous than the baby being left in the car for a few minutes. Seriously, once you've experienced juggling the needs of 2 you might stop being so PFB and judgemental. I agree with your DH, you might feel victimised by his tone with you but I'll bet you anything that mother will have felt worse after you'd politely and nicely reminded her how to parent safely.

You need to get some perspective and hope that once you have 2 DC no one decides to judge you in the same way.

intheknickersoftime · 05/03/2017 07:08

I think the op is right. And the way her husband spoke to her is appalling. I'm agog at the nasty response she's had on here. Well done everyone.

cansu · 05/03/2017 07:58

Your dh knows you are a bloody judge mental pita and wanted to avois you berating this woman or shaming her in some way with your pithy little lecture about hot cars in March. I sont blame him and think I might have sworn at you myself.

christmaswreaths · 05/03/2017 08:02

I also think you sound judgemental and your husband avoided a scene. I would have certainly not reacted well and I have done similar before.

You need to.look at the feedback on here and consider your behaviour towards other parents in my opinion.

NataliaOsipova · 05/03/2017 08:07

Maybe the sound you heard was the baby waking up? If the baby had been asleep, she might have preferred to leave her in the car for a minute while she popped in to grab her toddler, especially, if as others have said, the toddler has additional needs which might mean he needed to be carried. If the baby had been distressed, you'd have been entitled to step in. But she wasn't in any danger.

Thinking back, I'm sure I left my younger DD in the car asleep when I nipped in to pick up her older sister from preschool. If I'd woken her up to carry her or her car seat inside - a) she'd have woken up and been miserable and b) at 8 months she'd have been heavy, which would have meant I'd have less control with the older one in a car park. The risks of a child being injured by a car in a car park are monumentally higher than the risk that she chokes to death/is abducted/dies of heat stroke in the back in the 5 minutes she's left there. So it's common sense.

Riversleep · 05/03/2017 08:25

Her other child has downs. She probably made a judgment based on the weather and what the baby and her other child was like. I don't know what you were hoping to achieve by this. Chances are she would either have ignored you and been mightily pissed off all the way home and then done exactly the same thing again or you would have made her take her child into the nursery where she would have struggled with a downs toddler and a baby in a car park, making it far more dangerous in case interfering other parents judged her.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/03/2017 08:57

When I first read through the OP I thought you were going to say your dh's sudden change in behaviour about speaking to this woman was making your spidey sense tingle .

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 08:59

Honestly op labelling his behaviour as 'abusive' for this is over the top.

If i were you i would speak to him. You come across like my mum. And she embarssed us all, alot, by doing things like this. And occassionally one of us would lise our temper.

She would also spout 'thats illegal' to back herself up. When it wasnt. Dad was in the police for 35 years and she still thought she knew more than him about the law.

He can't police your behaviour but, if he feels this sort of thing is a common occurence, he is being impacted by it. And its bloody awful.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/03/2017 09:00

Your admittance that you hoped to shame her into not doing it again is probably why your Dh told you to get in the 'fucking car', he was embarrassed by your behaviour.

Heatherjayne1972 · 05/03/2017 09:31

Sounds like the other mum made a choice that she felt was best at that particular moment
I'd have done the same
It's march
It's chilly
Baby in locked car
Mum only going be two minutes

TBH I think you should have left it
It's not your business

AverysillyoldHector · 05/03/2017 09:38

I had no intention of losing the plot with her, rather remind her that this is not OK & that her dd was shouting & I suppose somewhat shame her into thinking twice the next time.

I find this really uncomfortable reading - that you wanted to shame her for something that many posters think is entirely acceptable/understandable behaviour. Your husband could probably sense that there would be a scene, and wanted to prevent it happening as quickly as possible - hence the language he used.

TheStoic · 05/03/2017 10:40

I'd be telling him to get in the fucking car too, and probably be adding not to be such a cunt.

All class.

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 11:07

Far better to swear than to stand by and doing nothing whilst your partner behaves inappropriately and upsets a mother who is dealing with more than most of have to.

Interesting that you see swearing as being worse than confronting a stranger. The feelings of that mother are far more important a swearing and you need to take a long hard look at yourself if you think otherwise Hmm

MadMags · 05/03/2017 11:28

I think waiting to pounce on a woman to shame her is far less classy than saying fuck every once in a while.

Anyway, OP has fucked off so... Wink