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Original poster

Feeling really uncomfortable after this exchange...

103 replies

Sassypants82 · 03/03/2017 18:14

Just went with DH to pick up our DS from creche. As we were getting into our car, I gears a little shout & looking into the car beside us, saw the little baby (about 8 months old) of another mother, whose child attends creche. She was just sitting in her seat & responded to my smile and seemed happy & relaxed. We all know this is wrong, incredibly dangerous & seriously illegal. We've all heard the terrible stories of babies perishing in hot weather etc. I said to my husband that I wanted to wait until the mother came out and back to her baby. At this, he got really (strangely) agitated & stressfully asked me to 'please get into the fucking car'. My DH & I do not speak to one another like this & I'm appalled that he spoke to me, like that, in front of my almost 3 year old.
He was so agitated & strange that I got into the car as opposed to waiting with the baby as I wanted to. I said I felt very uncomfortable about leaving her & he said that I need to report her & take her number plate in that case, not approach her outside creche & create a 'situation'.

  1. I had no intention of losing the plot with her, rather remind her that this is not OK & that her dd was shouting & I suppose somewhat shame her into thinking twice the next time.
  2. I was NOT happy with how my DH spoke to me & calmly said so. He replied that he didn't want me acting vigilante, basically.
I reminded him that I am responsible for my own behavior & it's not within his control to ask me to do, or not behave however I decide to, as I'm an independent adult. Furthermore, I told him his tone & language us not acceptable & I will not allow him to speak to me like that. I would have liked to discuss it more but DS was getting a little upset & picking up on vibes. He has gone to paint our nursery furniture now & I'm with DS who is happily having his Friday evening TV time. I feel so uncomfortable at the fact that I left a baby locked in a car and at how DH spoke to me. This is VERY out of character for him though none the less acceptable. I'd be so embarrassed to relay this exchange to my friends. I am 36 was pregnant, incase that's relevant & the other mother's older child had downs syndrome, which I think made my DH particularly worried about me saying something to her. I will discuss this more with him when DS is sleeping but I feel absolutely awful about both incidents now. I know I should have waited with the baby. Feel horrible.
OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 03/03/2017 19:44

But I would have liked to wait with the baby & supervise her and doing that would have caused some sort of conversation, obviously, but I had no intention of it being anything other than respectful but with the hope that she would not leave her dd unattended again.

Oh come on. You were champing at the bit to give her the whole arms folded/ cats bum face. You intended to be scathingly polite whilst leaving her with no illusions what an irresponsible creature she was, and then driven off highly satisfied at your parental superiority.

And your husband wasn't abusive just because he used the word "fucking" for gods sake. He suddenly knew exactly what was going to happen and he was panicking - you were going to lecture a mum with a child with Downs Syndromes on her responsibility. Unbelievable.

That child is probably also left In the car whilst (gasp!) her Mum goes in to pay for petrol.

MrsSkeffington · 03/03/2017 19:45

I think your husband was mortified and new exactly what kind of sanctimonious diatribe was coming. He's probably sick of it tbh.
A tip for future - mind your own business from now on unless you actually see genuine danger. Child in a car seat in a locked car for five minutes = not dangerous. Child driving the car = dangerous.

dudsville · 03/03/2017 19:47

I think you wanting to stay and your dh wanting to go are both fine decisions. The way he spoke to you signifies something weird and is the real issue here. My dh recently overreacted about something and I had to point out that the issue wasn't what we were disagreeing over but that the way he spoke to me was the problem to deal with and we'll address the supposedly presenting issue at a later date when we were calm.

Lucked · 03/03/2017 19:50

Don't go to Denmark OP they leave the baby outside in a convenient getaway vehicle!

ChocChocPorridge · 03/03/2017 19:59

If I knew the baby and the mother, and I knew the mother was picking up from creche, and the baby was happy and warm, I wouldn't have given this a second thought.

If the child was upset, I'd have nipped in and let the mum know.

It's not illegal, not irresponsible, not dangerous. Risk assess vs. walking a child across a carpark.

As to how your husband spoke - was he embarrassed? Is swearing part of your normal speech? I wouldn't consider it abusive if he was just desparate to get me in the car before I made a scene about something, since whilst not a big swearer, it's not an unusual speech pattern for him either. If he was angry and yelling it at me, then that's very different.

Bant · 03/03/2017 20:05

Yeah, sorry, I'd be mortified of your intended behaviour if I was your DH.

You could have waited in the car for a few minutes, to check the mother came out okay, and then driven off without saying something. Instead, you wanted to impose your standards on someone else who was probably doing the best she could to take care of multiple children.

I can just imagine a post from you two years from now, where you'd run inside the crèche to get your eldest, while leaving your baby in the car, happy, but suffering from chicken pox so you couldn't take it inside. And you come outside, and there is some pearl-clutcher writing down your number plate and haranguing you on the street, and oh woe is you, and you got home and explained it to your husband and he just raised an eyebrow and how-very-dare-he.

Biscuit
Ellisandra · 03/03/2017 20:14

I made a judgment based on the phrase "his Friday evening TV time" Grin

You know that it's OK to just say your child is watching TV?

No-one is going to wait in your lounge til you return just to let you know - but not shame you - that unlimited TV is a bad idea...

ElspethFlashman · 03/03/2017 20:15

This seriously pisses me off. I had to do this very thing LOADS. The reason is because at the time I had a 2 year old who was a bolter. So I had to carry him in and out from crèche to car so he wouldn't bolt onto the road.

I couldn't have carried him and carried a car seat at the same time. If you'd have greeted me at my car with a "Tut Tut" face, I'd have seen red.

Did it never occur to you that her Toddler with Downs might need to be carried too?

Lovelilies · 03/03/2017 20:29

Bonkers.
A baby or young child strapped into a car seat is perfectly safe. I don't know what terrible things you are worried might happen 🙄
When you have more than one DC (I have 3), the logistics generally mean one or two have to be in the car alone at some point as you're dashing back and forth with grocery shopping/ prams/ other kids.
Get over yourself OP.

omg12345 · 03/03/2017 20:30

O please, get of your high horse

nespressofan · 03/03/2017 20:33

Oh ffs can't you leave this poor woman alone you lot. 3 pages of insults and nastiness. Just think she had good intentions and leave it at that. A woman on another thread has been raped. I'm sure that deserves more attention right now. Thanks.

Quartz2208 · 03/03/2017 20:39

Do you seriously speak like you email?

It sounds as if he was scared that you were going get into a passive aggressive situation and snapped and wanted to avoid it. He did not want to face a situation on a Friday night - can you blame him. If you spoke to the woman like you are on here I can see how it might escalate

MadMags · 03/03/2017 20:45

A woman on another thread has been raped. I'm sure that deserves more attention right now. Thanks.

Seriously?? So the whole of MN should only post on threads that you deem worthy? DFOD.

Bant · 03/03/2017 20:49

And there are children dying at this moment in Syria, nespresso. It doesn't mean that people can't point out when other people are acting badly.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2017 20:57

Well you certainly told him. Glad you relayed fully what you informed him of.🙄

Out of curioustuy,,,How did you intend to "supervise" the baby?

TitaniasCloset · 03/03/2017 20:59

Really feel sorry for your poor husband.

dangerrabbit · 03/03/2017 21:23

Maybe your husband leaves your kids in the car when picking up from that same nursery, the woman has seen that, and he didn't want her to snitch on him when you confronted her?

PaterPower · 03/03/2017 22:18

I'd have told you to get in the fucking car too if I thought you were about to lecture a Mum of two, one of which has Downs over something like this.

I'd put money on you having form for this kind of thing and suspect your DH has had to stand to one side, squirming, on previous occasions whilst you unleash your inner Hyacinth.

ColdFeetinWinter · 03/03/2017 22:28

I think I'm on another planet?

A child left happily in a car whilst you nip in to fetch sibling from nursery is not a major child neglect situation especially in this weather.

I imagine your husband is fed up with this sort of ridiculous behaviour.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2017 23:29

Don't go to Denmark OP they leave the baby outside in a convenient getaway vehicle!

Yep. Definitely seen that in Denmark. Babies are left in their prams outside restaurants, shops and in a pram carriage on trains all alone.

I reckon you would have given the mum a 'look' to shame her.

I've previously when mine were younger left them in the car while I paid for petrol

If it was genuinely a hot day and the baby was in distress, then I would have run into the nursery to let the mother know. Otherwise I'd have left it.

taptonaria27 · 03/03/2017 23:34

Gosh OP you sound so very sanctimonious

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 03/03/2017 23:42

OP sounds like a bog standard pain in the are.

Waimaz · 03/03/2017 23:57

I think u overreacted, im sure the mum would have been only leaving child for a few minutes in that situation. Your husband's response is worrying tho,, it appears he was overly invested in tbe situation, does he know the mother?

scottishdiem · 04/03/2017 00:23
  1. If those who are suggesting that he is in a relationship with the other woman are serious (cant tell) then please step away from MN. You've been here too long and are seeing affairs everywhere.
  1. The way DH spoke to OP is not right but if it is a one off and isnt a thing in the relationship then I would say its not abuse.
  1. I think DH was just really desperate to leave the area given the epically high horse that OP was about to mount. OP has made a number of assumptions and decided it was for her to deal with. If my DP was about to do the same my request to get in the car wouldnt be polite either.
TheStoic · 04/03/2017 11:59

Nobody should speak to another person like that, let alone their spouse. Good for you for making it clear that was unacceptable.

I'm in Australia, and we clearly have a very different opinion to kids left in cars - for obvious reasons. Unless it was a particularly cold day, many people here would not bother waiting for the parent to return. They would have already called the police.

Can just imagine the frothing on here at that idea.