Perhaps petty, but dhs snoring is making me so resentful

[SloanePeterson]

I'm typing this lying on the floor in a hotel room on what was meant to be a lovely night away. The fucking cold hard floor right by the door, as far away from the bed as I can get. And I'm down here because lying next to dh is like sleeping next to a foghorn. It's especially bad atm as he's been unwell with a cough and virus for months. He's seen about theee different doctors about that and none can help him. I'm a terribly light sleeper anyway but god this is getting tedious. And it's making me furious. I'm pretty much existing on no sleep. At home I've been taking myself downstairs as he'll roll over and ask if he's keeping me awake. If I say yes he'll just roll over and go back to sleep! I do feel bad as he's been poorly but I feel at the point now where this is torture. If it weren't so dark tbh I'd get dressed and catch the bloody train home so I could crawl into bed and get some rest.

See the thing is the husband used to move about.. rarely the bedding was still on the bed in the morning. He moved about BECAUSE of the snoring, his body wasn't getting enough oxygen so his body had to keep waking him up to start breathing again. Once he started using the machine (a few tweeks here and there) he slept better and stopped moving about. Not even bothering to try is selfish.

Interesting perspective Gamerchick

I guess I'm being understanding on the wriggle factor because I'm a wriggler too.

He's not selfish though because in his eyes, he's moving straight onto surgery and that's not an easy option either. It's just that he feels it'll be a better solution than the CPAP.

TBH, I actually agree with him as he's away for work a lot and travels abroad. Often with no notice so he keeps a packed bag in the car. We tend to go away a lot too. In addition to that, he doesn't want to be 'one of those' who snores on the plane or wakes up the whole floor in a hotel so I can see his point.

I suspect though that any surgeon worth their salt will not only do a full examination as to what type of surgery, if any, would be effective but also make sure he's been through the 3 steps the ENT consultant advised.

Agree that a surgeon generally wouldn't operate unless it was a last resort - surgery hardly ever works (10%) and is flipping expensive. He needs to try the machine for at least a week - if it doesn't work no harm done and barely any £ wasted.

All of this ^^ Well said forfoxsake. Couldn't have put it better myself.

The OP's hubby needs to deal with this. As a few people have said, it's very selfish and self-centred for him to not do anything about it.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. Don't play down how destructive this can be for you both. He needs to take the seriously and lose weight, first and foremost. That is entirely within his control. If he refuses to, then it's the sofa.There's a device you can get - it's like a gum shield. I think it's called Sleep-pro. You can buy them on Amazon. Made a massive difference to XH.If he has sleep apnoea then he won't be getting any decent sleep. I found it hugely stressful lying next to XH waiting for him to take a breath. Plus, he used to fall asleep ALL the time, and once when driving (thankfully I was there). It's dangerous and frightening. He'd sit down and immediately nod off like an old man. Not attractive. Really, you both have to sit down and sort this out. I doubt neither of you want to be suffering and you are.

All of this ^^ Well said forfoxsake. Couldn't have put it better myself.

The OP's hubby needs to deal with this. As a few people have said, it's very selfish and self-centred for him to not do anything about it.

I actually lost it this afternoon. I was doing some baking with ds1 and noticed a big bar of dairy milk had gone from the cupboard where I keep the baking stuff. It was there a few days ago. I asked dh if he'd eaten it and he had. I hit the damn roof. I told him I nearly died because of something that wasn't my fault and it had given me the kick I needed to look after my health. He'd seen how hard it had been for me to get back to full health and all the lengths I've had to go to to get there. That he had the chance to do something about his snoring which has become a massive issue and he was choosing not to. I told him I don't want him to die. He was at the hospital with chest pains last week, and what was it going to take to get him to take his health seriously? Bloody hell I was furious. But thats it now. If he honestly won't tackle this then tbh I'm not going to give him infinite chances. I'm not going to sit and watch him put himself in an early grave.

Speaking at the snorer I am horrified by the attitudes of some of the snoring spouses here. I was mortified by my snoring - I had a small op and tried to lose weight (although I kept plateauing) and I would immediately move to the sofa downstairs.

I remember watching a documentary at the time where a man snored badly and his poor wife was being driven to distraction. He was offered some sort of operation on his soft palate - the surgeon mentioned microwaves - and he just point blank refused to even consider it. Oh no - I'm not doing that, the only thing I want to microwave is a pie etc etc. So he obviously thought it was OK for his wife never to be able to sleep because he didn't want a certain procedure. I remember feeling so angry with him and I was a snorer myself.

Sloane - how did your husband react to the chocolate incident?

Sorry - that should be speaking as the snorer.

I'm the snorer here and a few years ago I had a sort of mouth guard fitted at the dental hospital which pushes my lower jaw forward and somehow stops the snoring to a massive degree. Would that be worth considering? I was referred by my GP.

He reacted by looking sheepish. He's taken his pillows downstairs again so I'm guessing he's sleeping on the sofa. I'm worried by what other posters have said, he does fall asleep instantly. We were just watching something we both enjoy and he was asleep in minutes so I switched it off. I'm going to see if I can make an appointment for him next week, he has a day off as we need to take ds to an appointment so I'll see if I can get one for that day and actually go with him. I don't know if starting this thread has made me more aware of what a huge issue this has become, but the atmosphere between us is just awful

It had to get really awful between us before dh did anything about it.

He sleeps downstairs or wears his mouth guard.

See the thing is (and I strongly think that this is the problem) if he does have sleep apnoea then it's damaging his health. His body can't reach the state of sleep it needs to repair itself because it has to keep waking up to breathe. The dropping off at a hat is common and feeling tired becomes normal. It's so bad for the heart.

He needs to get it sorted, even if it means losing weight so he doesn't have the fat around his neck that obstructs his airways.

You know what? What used to get to me the most was the utter resentment and lack of self responsibility. I'd be so utterly pissed off at the lack of apology over the situation. DH used to refuse to apologise because he said his incessant and gargantuan snoring wasn't a conscious act, so he couldn't help it. Then he'd shove another cake down his double chinned neck and keep me awake for another night.

For me, it got to the stage where I would begrudge wearing earplugs, begrudge having to think about it all the time. Even when he wasn't snoring he was just breathing horribly loudly.

He hasn't got sleep apnea though. He did finally go to the GP who sent him to the clinic, but they did tell him unequivocally that his snoring was down to his weight. So now when he snores I really do properly wake him up each and every time. And he's trying to finally loose weight, having been told it's his choice; gluttony, or his marriage and his health.

I really feel for you. It's utterly crap.

Couple more potential remedies to try ...

I feel for the OP too. My DH used to snore for chuffing England before he lost 50 pounds, and it WAS his weight. (Still snores now but not as bad...

But yeah, this one time me and him went for a trip to the seaside (5-6 years ago,) and we stopped in a hotel room together. He took a sleeping pill and didn't tell me he had btw! Well within about 45 minutes he was in a super deep sleep and was snoring so loud, that the person in the room next door knocked on the door and complained.

I tried to wake him, but he would not wake I shook him and yelled at him, and he just grunted and rolled over and continued snoring. In the end, I sat up in bed in tears as the 110 decibel snoring reverberated through the top floor of the hotel.

I got dressed, packed my stuff up and went to reception and asked if they had another room. It was £45, but it would have cost £100 to get a taxi home. (It was too late for trains.) I left a note saying 'Couldn't sleep coz of your FUCKING snoring! Got another room; I will let you know where I am in the morning when I wake! I am not having you wake me early when I didn't get to sleep til 1am!' Then I texted him at 11am. (When I woke up!) He looked very sheepish when we met, and I was FUMING that he had taken a sleeping pill. (I'm all right Jack!)

Next trip we went on, I booked 2 rooms for us, and even though his snoring is better now, he still snores, so we still always have 2 rooms. Last coach trip we went on (last year,) I booked 2 rooms, and everyone was taken aback when they realised we were a married couple with separate rooms shock horror! Then after 2 days, this woman (around 55 y.o.) said 'how did you do that? How did you get 2 rooms?' The upshot was that people on the trip (particularly women!) were curious and rather envious that I had my own room LOL. We have separate bedrooms too. Have done for more than a decade. I simply wouldn't be able to sleep in the same room with him now.

My DP is a terrible snorer (practically bed-shaking and in our old house was audible through the walls) and so we sleep in separate rooms at night and when we go on holiday usually rent a little airbnb apartment with two rooms since it often works out cheaper than two hotel rooms and it all actually works quite well for us (he also sometimes works night shifts so two bedrooms is useful in that way too!). As others have mentioned we still cuddle a lot and have sex etc so no big damage to the emotional/intimate side of things.

It can be a HUGE problem for so many couples though especially if you don't have the option of separate rooms and it's not in the least bit petty -- I'm a very light sleeper anyway and I know so very well that lack of sleep can honestly drive you to the edge of madness. It's not at all surprising that resentment can build when it feels like your sleep is being "stolen". I have every sympathy for people in a similar situation

Actually in our case DP always felt quite bad/guilty about it and did chase up doctors several times (after we had tried basically EVERYTHING); he was finally diagnosed with nasal polyps and referred to a consultant to see about removing them but when he went there the consultant told him that they "don't really do that operation anymore" and refused to help him any further down that road...

Separate beds. It's the way!

Dh Snores like a chainsaw, fidgets, grunts, it's impossible to share a bed with him and get enough sleep.

We even book extra bedrooms on holiday for him. The kids hate sharing with him too. Camping is out. Caravans we can do but only if he sleeps in the main room.

I have the double bed all to myself. He can visit for an hour or so.

It's fine. The family all know and laugh about it.