Perhaps petty, but dhs snoring is making me so resentful

[SloanePeterson]

I'm typing this lying on the floor in a hotel room on what was meant to be a lovely night away. The fucking cold hard floor right by the door, as far away from the bed as I can get. And I'm down here because lying next to dh is like sleeping next to a foghorn. It's especially bad atm as he's been unwell with a cough and virus for months. He's seen about theee different doctors about that and none can help him. I'm a terribly light sleeper anyway but god this is getting tedious. And it's making me furious. I'm pretty much existing on no sleep. At home I've been taking myself downstairs as he'll roll over and ask if he's keeping me awake. If I say yes he'll just roll over and go back to sleep! I do feel bad as he's been poorly but I feel at the point now where this is torture. If it weren't so dark tbh I'd get dressed and catch the bloody train home so I could crawl into bed and get some rest.

[Badders123]

I've put up with this for years
A couple of years ago it got really bad and I told him to either sleep in another room or leave!
Anyway, my dh also had this virus over Xmas and it made so much worse 😞
I insisted he get an ent referral and low
And behold the consultant says dh has the most grossly deviated septum he has ever seen! It's almost at a right angle!
So he is booked for a septoplasty in a couple of months
So...don't put up with it
Insist he gets a medical opinion!

[MakeJam]

In my experience none of those gadgety lumps of silicone work. They are a waste of money.

For all those tormented by a snorer in denial, make a video on your phone/camera and play it back to them and the GP. I have to add that DH didn't believe how bad his snoring was until the Sleep Clinic played him the video and showed him the print out of how many times he had stopped breathing, and the high decibel level not to mention his erratic heart beat (this was about 15 years ago).

DH's CPAP machine is on the NHS. We have never been advised to hire one.

I can't emphasise enough that OSA can be life-threatening for some people. And I don't mean being murdered by a deranged and desperate co-sleeper.

[ChipInTheSugar]

But, MakeJam, again, that's sleep apnea that's being treated, not snoring.

I think I'll book another gp appointment and say that yes, I feel like I could fall asleep at various times of the day etc to get a referral.

[livefrommysofa]

My partner snores terribly and it sometimes sounds like he actually stops breathing. I managed with this for years as I was able to stop him by jolting him but that doesn't work anymore. So we now have separate bedrooms which I find super depressing. He went to the doctors a couple of weeks ago about and has been referred to the hospital sleep clinic. He has an appointment next week to have a sleep monitor fitted and he is to go back the next day to discuss the results! I'm preying they find something serious enough to treat as bad as that sounds! I have found drinking makes his snoring worse so no drinking until we have found a solution. I feel like a million dollars since separate bedrooms, it's like I am wide awake during the day for the first time in months!

[MakeJam]

Chip, I don't think you will get a proper diagnosis until you have been to the Sleep Clinic and been wired up and properly monitored. Sounds like you will have to be quite persistent with your GP though.
Wishing you the best outcome.

[toldmywraath]

My DH had an operation on his nose to widen the nasal passages. It made no difference at all to his snoring, still rattles the windows. Luckily we have a spare room that he uses as neither of us get the right amount of sleep otherwise. He needs to lose weight, too. So do I but my snoring is mild( I've used the snore app).

He also falls instantly asleep and that is annoying in itself!

[Myrobalanna]

You have my every sympathy.
My dh, whom I adore, completely minimises his snoring. He feels, with some justification, that it's not his fault. I just say that doesn't mean it isn't his responsibility to find a solution. It's like talking to a child. He hates being woken up by me and he's not happy about the snoring, but he doesn't know what to do so he does nothing. (Usual remedies and trip to dr have had no good result.)

He doesn't understand truly how it makes me feel. I find it difficult to be attracted to someone who makes a noise like that every night - and then does nothing about it. It's like living with someone who's got bad breath. It might not be their fault but they have to do something about it otherwise people around them feel disgusted. I bought myself a bed for my office and now sleep there quite often. Not great for our sex life.

Sorry, I am no help at all, I just have a lot of sympathy. I read, when dc were small, that men's snoring is at its heart a feminist issue as it has an impact on women's productivity and mental health. I do believe that (no offence to the women who snore).

[Owlzes]

Myrobalanna - honest question (as a woman who snores) whatcan he do? I am not aware of any solution that reliably works - the gadgets don't, the machines are for sleep apnea. The only answers I'm aware of are earplugs for you or separate beds. Everyone here seems to be saying the snorer needs to fix it. How?

[Joysmum]

Everyone here seems to be saying the snorer needs to fix it. How?

Firstly, you don't minimize the effect your snoring has on your partner and try too put any blame on them for being more sensitive than they should be. This seems to be a common theme where they don't believe their partner and think they are a drama llama.

Then after accepting that you have a problem, you should go through the process of trying the various solutions in an attempted to find an answer. This can start with your own self help fixes and doesn't mean that if you are trying to lose weight (which takes a lot of time) you shouldn't also be trying other things too.

You may need to take your partner with you (if you're not a particularly proactive person) with you to the doctor and insist on your GP referring you to an ENT (ear nose and throat) specialist who can then offer a professional opinion and refer on to sleep clinic if applicable (e.g. Sleep apnea). Not all snoring is caused by the same thing so the fix recommended by some, won't work for others.

Only when you have exhausted the advice from professionals should you give up and you should accept and accept your blame from a partner who is massively sleep deprived, livid and at the end of their tether if you are not doing everything you can to bring about to single biggest improvement to their life. Lack of sleep is torture.

[Joysmum]

This thread has once again opened up communication on my DH's snoring and he's saying it is pointless hiring a CPAP as he moves about too much and won't be able to sleep.

So he's skipping that step and has. This contacted a local private hospital to enquirer about surgery, which the ENT guy advised was a last resort and didn't always work.

I'm annoyed he won't even hire one but it's up to him and hoping he'll change his mind and try that step first.

Thoughts welcome from those who have been through this

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

I feel your pain OP. DH and I haven't shared a bed for six years (together for 16). I don't think we would still be together otherwise. Hotel holiday last year was a real challenge - not least because I've put on weight and now snore as well! Our poor DC.

[goose1964]

I have sleep apnoea , a fairly easy way to tell if it's that is if your DH is tired in the morning or falls asleep very easily. I have a cpap and it's amazing

[SloanePeterson]

I just don't want this to be 'it'. Dh slept on the sofa last night without complaint as tbh I think he did feel really awful about what happened in the hotel. But I'm dreading having to share a bed with him again. I can't expect him to sleep downstairs every night, and I don't want that either. But there's no quick fix here either. I'm glad pps on this thread have told me not to minimise this. The effect it's been having on me is ridiculous, from the physical exhaustion, to the guilt and worry that I'm being far too sensitive, to the huge irrational angry stabby feeling I get at 3am when I'm prodding him for the hundredth time. I'm going to try and convince him to see his actual GP and Actually go with him. And I'm going to use that app to record all of this too. I think he'd be shocked at just how bad it is. It's creating a distance between us though. I don't want my marriage destroyed by bloody snoring

[SloanePeterson]

Goose he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. And yes, he'll constantly complain he hasn't slept much when his snoring suggests otherwise!

[annandale]

Joys, surely he's quite likely to be moving about so much because he's constantly half waking up??

[Joysmum]

Joys, surely he's quite likely to be moving about so much because he's constantly half waking up??

Nope, he sleeps well. He mostly sleeps on his tummy but can swap to either side too.

As much as I want him to try the CPAP, the choice has to be his. I'm worried though as my limited understanding is that surgery isn't particular effective and of course comes with risks.

[thenightsky]

Firstly, you don't minimize the effect your snoring has on your partner and try too put any blame on them for being more sensitive than they should be. This seems to be a common theme where they don't believe their partner and think they are a drama llama

Hence why ex is ex. His only 'attempt' to fix the racket was to visit GP, who referred to sleep clinic, who told him to lose 6 stone. This was apparently totally unacceptable and a joke.

[gamerchick]

I have a cpap and it's amazing

They really are, I could literally kiss that machine!

[littlefrog3]

Just wanted to ask the poster 'livefrommysofa;' why do you find it super depressing having separate bedrooms? I imagine that is a dream for many women! Especially the ones who suffer snoring hubbies!

Is heavy/loud snoring more common in men by the way?

[gamerchick]

I love my bedroom as well. It's decorated to my own personal taste, there's no man smell in there and it's like a giant hug when walking in and shutting the door. I keep meaning to go and try out the big bed with the husband now he's quiet and keeps still though.

[livefrommysofa]

Littlefrog3

I just find it sad that we don't sleep together. Feel more like room mates than partners. We always go to bed at the same time everynight and that's normally when we used to lay and chat about the day and just generally chat up. Plus I'm big on snuggling whilst asleep. The king size bed is awfully big without him.

[littlefrog3]

Awww that's sad... Can you not have a cuddle and snuggle and then just go to your respective beds when you're ready to sleep?

[ohforfoxsake]

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. Don't play down how destructive this can be for you both.

He needs to take the seriously and lose weight, first and foremost. That is entirely within his control. If he refuses to, then it's the sofa.

There's a device you can get - it's like a gum shield. I think it's called Sleep-pro. You can buy them on Amazon. Made a massive difference to XH.

If he has sleep apnoea then he won't be getting any decent sleep. I found it hugely stressful lying next to XH waiting for him to take a breath. Plus, he used to fall asleep ALL the time, and once when driving (thankfully I was there). It's dangerous and frightening. He'd sit down and immediately nod off like an old man. Not attractive.

Really, you both have to sit down and sort this out. I doubt neither of you want to be suffering and you are.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

he's saying it is pointless hiring a CPAP as he moves about too much and won't be able to sleep.

Oh, HE won't be able to sleep?! And this is something he hasn't even tried?? FFS, he's not even willing to try something that might mildly inconvenience him despite its impact on you? Selfish knobber!