Perhaps petty, but dhs snoring is making me so resentful

[SloanePeterson]

I'm typing this lying on the floor in a hotel room on what was meant to be a lovely night away. The fucking cold hard floor right by the door, as far away from the bed as I can get. And I'm down here because lying next to dh is like sleeping next to a foghorn. It's especially bad atm as he's been unwell with a cough and virus for months. He's seen about theee different doctors about that and none can help him. I'm a terribly light sleeper anyway but god this is getting tedious. And it's making me furious. I'm pretty much existing on no sleep. At home I've been taking myself downstairs as he'll roll over and ask if he's keeping me awake. If I say yes he'll just roll over and go back to sleep! I do feel bad as he's been poorly but I feel at the point now where this is torture. If it weren't so dark tbh I'd get dressed and catch the bloody train home so I could crawl into bed and get some rest.

[Angryangryyoungwoman]

As others have said, he needs to do something about it. For your sake and his. If he won't keep at the doctors to find a solution, he needs to sleep separately so that you can get some sleep.

[Bluntness100]

It is awful, I feel for you, it drives you nuts. I do wake my husband. Generally I tell him to get off his back as that's when he snores. There has been times where I've literally screamed st him in the middle of the night. It's awful lying there unable to sleep as smoneone is snoring heavily.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

1. Get him to the dr and insist on a referral. You can't have a bad cough for months on end and just be dismissed by the gp.
   

1. If he only snores when ill then it isn't his fault BUT you are mad to carry on sleeping with him. Your sleep and mental health is too important. Sleep elsewhere.
   

1. Tell him he either loses weight or you will carry on sleeping elsewhere for the foreseeable future and you think it will adversely affect your marriage. Ask him if he wants his marriage to sufer because he can't be bothered to go on a diet. This may sound harsh but it's the truth!

[SloanePeterson]

As to how much weight, a fair bit. He's very tall so can probably carry it off more than most. We got some store vouchers for our wedding less than 2 years ago which he spent on nice clothes for himself as he never buys any. One of the things was a nice waistcoat that was hugely reduced that was miles too big as we have a friend who could have taken it in. He put it on a few weeks ago and it wouldn't do up by a good four or five inches. I'm no angel either, I've put on weight since the wedding too. I also had a horrible health scare last year that made me reevaluate my health and implement some good changes. I get what a pp said about being grateful to have him there snoring at all, I very nearly died and that made me at first incredibly freaked

[SloanePeterson]

Sorry too soon again! I'm very grateful to be here and to have him. But this is beyond what I can rationalise and suck up. He's booked in for the gp this afternoon and before he goes I'm going to actually spell all of this out. My eyes are like pinholes this morning and I'm in a snappy mood. This is not how this night away should have gone

[BakeOffBiscuits]

I also meant to add that I got to the same stage as you with my Dh. Snoring so loudly that I was waking numerous times every night and was a complete waste of space all day die to lack of sleep.
We too ended up in A&E thinking he was having a heart attack. Fortunately a nurse did tell him that although all the tests came back as healthy, including blood pressure, that his heart would start suffering if he didn't lose weight. This did affect him and he has lost weight.
Could you go to the Drs with him and ask the dr to explain to him important it is thar he loses weight?

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Excuse typos!

[DoubleR]

DH snores, I usually elbow him or kick him to get him to turn over, which helps, it has the added bonus of getting some of my irritation out. He's tried the nose strips, they fall off during the night, the throat strips helped but he hated them. I can't wear earplugs in case the DC need me in the night. This winter though I stumbled on to something that has really helped, olbas oil, I put some in our room because I had a nasty cold and he didn't snore, at all! We now have it in our room every night, no snoring and my sinuses feel better than they have for years. Worth a try OP?

[Italwaysworksitselfout]

Th took his snoring to a whole new level last night. I'm sure it's sleep apnea as antihistamines, nose strips, inhaler and drops (every night) do not work. We've just moved house and toddler now sleeps through as in own room now but I'm 28 weeks pregnant and freaking out about the baby being woken up by his lovely range of tones. I had to sleep on the couch last night or I would have smothered him. He broke his nose about 10 years ago and has never been the same since

[Moanyoldcow]

I'm the snorer in my relationship - on occasion I wake myself up it's so bad but luckily my husband can sleep through but we will sleep apart if it's especially bad.

I had my tonsils taken out at 27 which basically stopped it as I had been diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnoea. I've got much fatter and it's back.

There is no doubt that your husband needs to lose weight if it's got worse as he's got bigger.

Ask his doctor to refer him to a sleep apnoea clinic.

I have also had moderate success with some of the snore sprays on the market and the nasal inserts you can get on Amazon.

Good luck.

[milkmilklemonade12]

Yes! As awful as it was, I made my DH sleep in a separate room so I could sleep. He made 2 nights and then went down the doctors. His was actually because he had his nose broken as a teen and it was reset incorrectly. He's on the list for a nose operation, but until then he uses breathe right strips on his nose which opens up his airway and have helped tremendously.

Get tough. You being nice about it (and you are OP!) is making him think it isn't as bad as it is.

[TempusEedjit]

I was going to ask whether he's overweight, my DH stopped snoring when he lost weight for our wedding, the weight's back on and so is the snoring. And to be fair, I'm the same!

We find that a warm room makes it a lot worse, as does even a tiny amount of alcohol. DH has a kind of nasal bung thing he puts up his nostrils (they look a bit like ear plugs for the nose) which helps a little.

Your DH has to really try to lose the weight if he values your relationship. I know it's not easy but he owes you his best efforts.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

My STBEXH had sleep apnea and there were nights when I could've just punched him in the face so you have my sympathy OP.

The hardest thing was when he stopped breathing and you'd wait for that massively loud pig grunt when his lungs would gulp in air. He'd wake himself up and then jump up and glare at me for waking him.

He was 17 stone and I couldn't roll him over when he lay on his back.

The result for me? I ended up in hospital with cluster migraines. I had no idea of the connection but I'd wake up in agony in the early hours of the morning, day after day. I had a CT scan, spinal fluid taken, the works. No one had any idea what was causing them.

Then one night I woke up with a terrible screeching sound in my head, turns out the snoring was so loud that it was stressing me and I was grinding my teeth so hard in my sleep it was to the point of causing migraines.

When I slept alone they completely stopped.

We tried a snore guard mouthpiece but it was useless. I'd hear it sucking in and out of his mouth all night, and if he turned over to face me I'd get a cold whistling wind tunnel of stale cigarette breath blowing at my face or my neck for the night. Until it fell out and the snoring would start again.

DS tells me that he can still hears my ex snoring when he stays over his weekends, and some nights he has had to go in and wake him.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate my new partners sleep habits. His occasional snore sounds like a sweet Disney bunny snoozing in a sunny meadow.

[MakeJam]

I do realise OP's DH has to get a diagnosis from a Sleep Clinic first, but there was a very interesting item on the BBC website last week about weight gain caused by sleep apnoea. Apparently adrenaline is released into the bloodstream when the snorer stops breathing and the snorer then starts the day feeling hungry as well as unrested and they eat high salt/sugary foods to try and re-energise and ultimately put on lots of weight.
link here but I don't think it can be viewed outside the UK.

There is also the further complication of developing pre-onset diabetes and high blood pressure as well.

I had to read the Riot Act to get DH to the GP.

[AuntieStella]

I agree it's infuriating.

You have to remember that he can't help it, he's asleep.

Now, getting medical advice to check to see if there is an underlying issue is important (and if he won't do that, he's an arse).

But right now, it's as much under his control as, say, an allergic reaction is under someone's control. And you have to learn to live with it. If it was an allergy, you would try desensitisation (which is the parallel to investigating for and treating sleep apnoea) which might make it rather better (but might not cure it). Then alter your lifestyle so that the condition does nit have so much effect.

There are various things you can try, such as devices that mean he can't sleep on his back (if it's worse in a particular posture), sometimes sleeping apart so you aren't suffering sleep,deprivation, staggering bedtimes if you can sleep through if you're soundly off before he starts up. And for holidays in future do think about booking a second room so one can decamp and the rest of the time isn't ruined by lack of sleep. Or twin beds (so at least you are not in the floor)

[ShuttyTown]

My DH is a normal weight, doesn't drink or smoke and has had his deviated septum fixed and he STILL snores. I wear earplugs, this helps dull the noise enough for me to sleep. Maybe losing weight would help your DH but don't bank on it. Have you tried earplugs? Failing that I would do separate rooms

[littlefrog3]

You poor thing OP. I know many women who have spent many a night weeping in bed as their other half is snoring like an old pot bellied pig. One pal of mine made her hubby sleep on the balcony at their hotel in Spain last year! (It was safe and secure and 28 degrees C at night!) They get separate rooms in a hotel now.

I also know some who have separate rooms at home too. Still in love, very close, but do not sleep in the same room. As a few people have said, sleep is essential. (GOOD sleep!) And being constantly woken by a snoring partner is dreadful! Sleep deprivation causes all sorts of physical AND mental health issues, not to mention problems in the marriage caused by anger and resentment.

There is no shame in sleeping separately; some of the happiest couples I know sleep separately and some of the most miserable couples I know sleep in the same bed. You can still have a great sex life without sleeping in the same bed!

Sadly, if your hubby will not do anything about it; like seek medical intervention (or lose weight if needed) the only answer is separate rooms or divorce! I think separate rooms has to be the preferred option.

Sleeping in the same bed is really not that much fun anyway after the first flushes of romance, with all the kicking, grunting, snoring, quilt hogging, too much body heat etc... I think most people will agree ...

Even if you can't have separate rooms, what about separate beds? And get ear plugs too.

I wish you well. Oh and by the way YANBU!

[Acornantics]

Earplugs, every night, without fail. It keeps me sane.

[hellsbellsmelons]

My ExH was like this.
In our first house, downstairs bathroom, I actually used to get the duvet and sleep in the bath.
Next house had a spare room so I slept in there a lot to get away from it.
It's horrible and exhausting.
I really hope the GP can help him with something.

[jellyrolly]

My DH is a snorer. His brother is an ENT consultant and when he asked him about snoring he just patted DH's stomach . Apparently most snoring is caused by being overweight. My DH has broken his nose several times playing rugby and did try to blame that but he stops snoring when he loses weight. Of course it's obviously worth getting checked out the by the GP but he can start to lose weight now for nothing. Good luck.

[Joysmum]

Let go of the anger, ( and get him to stay awake and not snoring until you go to sleep)

Anyone else glad this poster hasn't said this to them in real life as you'd be serving time for murder.

My DH snores badly. I had custom made earplugs but even that wasn't enough so we've been in seperate rooms (on seperate floors) for nearly 2 years and I dread being away with him. It took ages for him to take it seriously enough to ask to be referred. He assumed he'd just be told to lose weight until I pointed out it was never this bad, he's lighter than he was and that his dad snores like a trooper until he died and he had wasted away to skin and bones by that point.

Consultant said the NHS won't do anything unless its sleep apnoea so whatever you do you'll need to self fund.

He put a camera up DH's nose and said he has very narrow airways. DH was given a 3 step plan of action.

1. snorban (there are much cheat equivalents on the market ). He needs to try this without a break or taking it out due to discomfort for at least a month. It takes time to get used to but I have to say I lacked sympathy given the lack of sleep I'd endured. Apparently 80% of cases are helped by this.
   
   
2. if snorban isn't helping, hire a CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine. You'll know within the week of this is the answer.
   
   
3. surgery, although this only helps in 10% of cases and bears risks.
   
   So now we know the snorban isn't helping but DH has halfheartedly mentioned surgery, but not the CPAP, and dull done fuck all. Finally, I've had enough and I'm moving my things into the room I'm sleeping in as this feels like it's going to be permanent. We're too young to be sleeping apart

[Spacecadet14]

I really feel for you OP, and I say that as the snorer in our relationship! Things between me and my DP became really strained because he was so tired from me disturbing his sleep and I was fed up from him constantly prodding me in the night to turn over (I know, I was BU). Weight was definitely been a factor as I've piled on a couple of stone over the last year. What saved us is one of the Good Night rings. I sleep with it on my little finger and I swear to god it works like magic. I no longer snore (unless I've had a few glasses of wine, and then my DP says it's just a low rumble that is tolerable) and we're both far happier for having slept. I tried nose strips too, but the ring works much better.

[THC63]

I know weight isn't the only factor but for those of you who acknowledge that it is, why not try a bit harder to lose it? It would be the lack of effort to do something that is completely in your control that would annoy me more than the snoring.

Most problems have a potential solution but people seem reluctant to do the things that may help such as diet, exercise, visit the GP, cut out/down alcohol. They expect it to just go away and it won't unless you do something about it.

I don't get the reluctance to change and do something constructive that some people have.

[EwanWhosearmy]

After years and years of lying awake fuming at DH's snoring I made us a joint GP appt last year and dragged him along. I explained that I believed he had sleep apnoea and told the GP exactly what he was like at night.

He was referred to the Sleep unit, tested, dx sleep apnoea and has a CPAP. It is a miracle. No more snoring.

[motherinferior]

Bollocks to the idea that it's the anger. In my case it's the erupting snoring in the small hours. Yes I get fucking furious when it happens but believe me, platitudes about missing it when he's gone just make me angrier.