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Original poster

Cuddling while sleeping

110 replies

jouu · 28/02/2017 17:02

We were discussing this last night. BF is very big on cuddling up all night, every night, forgoing blankets in favour of body heat where necessary.

Luckily I love it, but he's dated women who hate it and won't be touched while sleeping/trying to sleep, and others who revel in it (I'm one of the latter). He has actually split up with a woman that he liked a lot because she couldn't bear to be cuddled at night and it depressed him too much. He has been like this since childhood when his dad used to snuggle him and his brother until they fell asleep at night.

Do you like to cuddle up with your OH at night? Do you prefer to fall asleep not touching and cuddle up later when it's cooler? Etc? How does OH feel about it?

I take medication that makes me slightly sleepy which probably means I have a higher tolerance for snuggling up. I don't live with my BF so I think I get a good recharge of oxytocin from the nights we do spend together. When I'm premenstrual in particular I find it really comforting/therapeutic and I'll be in a much better mood the next day.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 28/02/2017 23:07

I'm a very tactile person but I can't sleep at all if I'm being touched.

Catra · 28/02/2017 23:14

It all depends on the man. One ex of mine had a hairy chest and back which he used to shave and because he slept topless I found it unbearable to cuddle up with him at night because he was so prickly. In fact, we even had separate duvets on the bed so he wouldn't prickle me! My DH on the other hand has a smooth, hairless chest and back and I adore snuggling up to him. He's also considerably less heavy than my ex so I can bear some of his weight without feeling like I am being crushed. Unless I'm utterly shattered I don't tend to fall asleep in his arms - we'll cuddle until we're nodding off and then roll over.

Original poster
jouu · 28/02/2017 23:30

He's great with us not moving in together. I know people here have called him clingy and needy but he is actually hilariously unclingy and as independent as I am in waking life. Loves to be on his own, doesn't demand loads of time together, etc. Doesn't even like to hold hands in public! We just both love to cuddle at night and get enormous pleasure from it.

OP posts:
Sugarlumps333 · 28/02/2017 23:35

Not sure I could take someone seriously irl who called his "cuddle" routine a basic need. Cringing.

Oblomov17 · 28/02/2017 23:35

Love cuddles, am generally cuddly. But only before trying to get to sleep. Christ I don't want to be touched once asleep. Suspect that is more common than cuddling all night.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 01/03/2017 00:26

DP is the first person I've ever been with that I can lay on and fall asleep and be completely content all through the night. DP can do it to start with fine, but she needs her space so we sort of start off that way and then progress to sleeping on 'our sides' but holding hands usually. It's lovely to have so much physical contact with someone in bed, yes she is baking but then she calls me her hot water bottle as I'm always warm.

It works for us and it's perfect :) Although breaking up with someone because they wouldn't cuddle through the night is somewhat bizarre.

glitterazi · 01/03/2017 01:09

He has actually split up with a woman that he liked a lot because she couldn't bear to be cuddled at night and it depressed him too much

Oookay, that's weird. Why would you split up with someone solely because you didn't want to sleep all snuggly?
Bizarre and must be more to that. If not there's just one face to make to that... Confused

glitterazi · 01/03/2017 01:12

Gosh, I didn't expect anyone to say it is messed up to want to cuddle all night, or to not want to continue a relationship if you're a cuddler and the other person isn't.

maybe you should adopt the "hug and roll" stance taken by Ross and Rachel.
(See Friends...) Smile

Janey50 · 01/03/2017 01:15

If someone needs to be cuddled all night long,even while they are asleep,it strikes me as being very clingy and needy. I love a cuddle before going to sleep,but once I am trying to sleep,hands off! I can't abide someone draping themselves all over me whilst I am trying to nod off. I find it difficult enough to sleep anyway,due to pain from arthritis,so can't be doing with someone disturbing me every time they move,or vice versa.

kel1234 · 01/03/2017 01:24

I like a little cuddle before its fall asleep time. But then I like to fall asleep on my own, without being touched.
Dh hates this, he would literally cuddle me 24 7 if he could

NotCarylChurchill · 01/03/2017 01:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WesternMeadowlark · 01/03/2017 02:20

I think the mistake some people make when they talk about this is in thinking it's an emotional thing. I'm pretty sure it's sensory.

It can develop emotional associations, but mainly it's about what kinds of touch feel good physically and when.

I say that as someone super-cuddly when awake but not fussed either way when going to bed. The former doesn't make me needy and the latter doesn't make me emotionally cold; they're just about a physical need, or lack of physical need, for touch.

Splitting up over it is as normal as splitting up because one of you is an introvert and the other an extrovert. It's pretty sensible if it's a high priority.

One person's need for more physical touch within a relationship doesn't trump their partner's need for less, but vice versa is also true. As long as no-one is being forced/coerced into anything they don't want to do, whether being touched or staying in a relationship with someone who makes them feel that their need for touch is wrong, that's what matters.

Cuppaqueen · 01/03/2017 02:41

I love bedtime cuddles! I will curl up with my DH every night - usually on his shoulder or chest but sometimes his head on mine etc. Legs over his, arms round his belly. It's one of my favourite times of the day. Agree with Wings that it's a reliable cure for feeling achey/sore/miserable as well - it's just so lovely for me, being held close by someone I love. We're both touchy-feely in general and I do think I'd struggle to be with someone who never wanted that closeness, although maybe that's just because I'm so used to it.

Sometimes we fall asleep curled up, sometimes spoon, sometimes roll over and back-to-back or just hands/ legs touching if it's hot or one of us is ill. Rarely ever totally separate though. Right now, I'm pregnant and a bit sad that I need a pillow under my bump so I can't quite get as close to him as before!! Neither of us are sleeping great due to me rolling/ getting up to go to the loo frequently but wouldn't consider separate beds unless we were desperate/ exhausted - horror Shock

whattodowiththepoo · 01/03/2017 04:16

DP sticks to me like a limpet, she sleeps like a log so I just peal her off when she falls asleep.

Ponderingprivately · 01/03/2017 07:49

We like a cuddle when we go to bed, have a chat and download the day. Then we separate to our own sides of our huge bed for sleep! Makes us both happy

wonderingsoul · 01/03/2017 08:10

We start the night spooning and holding hands and him snuggled up behind me. I hate being breathed on to but hes taller then me so it works well. Usually when one of us is asleep, me first normallu hell roll over. If i get up n get back into bed and he stirs hell normally "pull" me back in to spooning position when i get back in.

Im a v touchy person when it comes to a partner, and bed time is one of my favourite times, feels like our special time and i can toattly relax and feel cherished with out thinking or doing some thing for some one else.

SpookyPotato · 01/03/2017 08:19

We cuddle for a while and then go our own way, occassionally teconnecting through the night.. but I can't really sleep in a cuddle. If you both like it then crack on! I don't think it's weird.

incredibule · 01/03/2017 08:40

Is BF a twin?

Only1scoop · 01/03/2017 08:43

I'm with Jazzy

Okite · 01/03/2017 09:02

I'm a very tactile person but I can't stand being touched at night. Fortunately we have a massive bed so we're happy to have a cuddle then retreat to our respective sides for sleep!
The whole cuddle-all-night thing just reminds me of my FIL - he's like that too but MIL hates being cuddled at night. As he's an odious control freak though, he gets his way.

HotNatured · 01/03/2017 10:25

OP your DP sounds v needy. I had an ex when I was v young who wanted to cuddle while I slept, I felt v pressured into it, smothered and claustrophobic. He would sulk if i tried to wriggle out of his vice like grip.

I like to cuddle for a bit and then have my own space to sleep, because I want to be in a position that ensures I have the best quality sleep possible, at an optimum temperate, not feeling that I can't move or spread out.

Dumping someone for the reasons you have outlined screams 'issues' to me and I wouldn't go there personally.

Jjacobb · 01/03/2017 11:18

I hate anyone touching or breathing near me when I'm going to sleep, dh loves to cuddle.
Luckily he falls asleep really quickly and deeply so once I know he is asleep a swift backward jab of my elbow makes him move away from me.
I insisted we get a super king size bed so I could have plenty of my own space.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/03/2017 12:15

DH and I have different ideas of warm/cosy and too stuffy or suffocating and still have duvet wars - but 9 times out of 10 go to sleep spooning. (Perhaps if we lived in a warmer climate we would feel very differently). We have always had a double bed, not king size.

That said, we usually wake up apart. Both of us find cuddling all night too much.

Neither came from a tactile family.

Doesn't even like to hold hands in public! We just both love to cuddle at night That doesn't sound 'clingy'.
If both are into it then it feels very natural and comfortable. It doesn't suit everyone. joou if DP finished with his ex over this I can believe it. Better than bullying his ex into cuddling at night, no?

Cuddling up at night doesn't mean you are forced to stay clamped together until morning. And if for whatever reason sex stops or lessens, it is still a way to feel close.

Ragwort · 01/03/2017 23:10

Do all you 'cuddlers' go to bed at the same time as your DH/DP? Hmm - I go to bed when I am tired - might be 9pm - might be midnight; likewise my DH goes to bed when he is tired. I can't imagine going up to bed at the same time as someone else - is it like 'oooh 10.30pm - time for bed and cuddles' Grin.

BeastofCraggyIsland · 02/03/2017 00:03

Oh no no no, I couldn't bear that level of clinginess. The thought of it makes me shudder. I don't even like the word 'cuddle', it sounds very infantile to me. If DP ever demanded 'cuddles' I'd feel a bit pukey. I love a hug with him and we are affectionate, but I can't sleep with anyone touching me. There's no way I could sleep with someone draped all over me, it would be hot and uncomfortable and suffocating. Luckily DP is of the same mindset. We have an enormous bed and do hugs before sleep/in the morning but in between times it's strictly on your own side - the dogs usually sneak into the middle. We very occasionally fall asleep together on the sofa while watching TV or a film but I always wake up after about half an hour boiling hot and/or with a dead arm.