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Original poster

Staying if you don't find your DH attractive?

104 replies

PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 12:53

I have NC for this.

Been with DH over 10 years. Have one DC. I am not sure if I love DH, I don't even like him sometimes. I don't find him attractive. I married as was desperate for DC, and realise this was a mistake.
My life now if deep down unhappy but sort of bearable. Tempted to have affairs as feel unfulfiled and bored, besides being unhappy. Have tried to talk to DH but he just says 'you're not' when I say I'm unhappy. Unsure how to deal with someone telling you you don't know how you feel. My Mother used to do the same.

I expect I'll get little sympathy for making a mistake of marrying him, but I do love DC so one good thing has come out of it.

I have depression and various therapists have said my mother caused me lots of issues and that relationship with DH is sustaining it.

Not sure what I'm asking for really - just advice, opinions I suppose, wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation. I feel very lonely and embarrassed to confide in anyone in RL.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 28/02/2017 15:46

You know your child is going to grow up and grow away from the family home and you are going to be left with a man you don't like all that much can you see yourself with him then ? I Think you need to leave him for you your child and for him you sound miserable

PollyPerky · 28/02/2017 15:46

Why don't you have a trial separation? Rent somewhere for 6 months or a year and see how you feel. You don't have to go from marriage to divorce in one fell swoop.

Do you work? Can you support yourself? Could you manage independently with him contributing to for your child?

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 15:46

SewMe- that's a really helpful and insightful post- thank you.

One of the reasons why I haven't left is precisely that - i.e. that I'm not sure that this isn't 'love', coupled with an awareness that love is not the same as lust.

However, reading some advice on here in the past- it seems to have gone along the lines of 'don't settle'

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 28/02/2017 15:47

I think you have a lot of feelings to 'unpack' and a symptom could be your lack of feelings for your husband.

You seem to have had a challenging upbringing and that will impact your attachment style.It's worth looking into this perhaps through counselling or just reading about before ending your marriage.

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 15:47

Polly, i think I need help developing self respect, I don't really have any.

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 28/02/2017 15:49

Cross posted. Yes I read full thread. But it doesn't matter whether he thinks you're happy or not. And staying for his feelings is well intentioned, but just prolonging the pain if you want out.

I think leaving is a massively fearful prospect for you. More even than anyone else in your situation due to your past. It will be awful for a while but it will get better. Staying with a man you don't love is damaging to you mentally. Has the counsellor given you specific support on how you would cope emotionally leaving?

MrsJayy · 28/02/2017 15:50

From what you are saying here your husband doesn't give 2 hoots about your feelings he said he wanted to get married anyway you really are not responsible for this mans feelings,

PollyPerky · 28/02/2017 15:50

I agree with the previous poster.

If you have never 'been in love' how do you know what you have now isn't love?

You can't find him abhorrent or you'd not behaving sex. i know of friends with sexless marriages where there has been no sex for years and years but they stay together for financial reasons or they are too scared to make the break.

If you had this marriage for another 40 years and died at 85 how would you feel? As if you life had been wasted or secure? I think he gives you security which you didn't have as a child, and you are afraid to leave.

TheLittlePaperbagPrincess · 28/02/2017 15:51

We went through something similar for about a year. We stopped listening to one another, both got unhappy, and the attraction dwindled.

At first he just wouldn't listen when I said I was unhappy- he took it as a personal affront I think, because all he desperately wanted was for me to be happy, and he couldn't face the fact that he wasn't.

But after one blistering row, and me buying a suitcase, he woke up and started to listen. We worked through a lot of things, both sides, and the attraction came back, first slowly, then massively.

We slept in separate rooms for a few months, so as not to confuse things but prioritised time in the evening, first for cuddling, then for kissing, then for fooling around. And at the same time kept working on listening to one another and getting better at communicating.

The thing is though, there had been attraction there at the beginning. I did genuinely reach the end of my tether. He did honestly have the best of intentions and was just a bit ignorant about how to deal with stuff (and when he finally woke up and realised there was a problem, he did put a lot of himself into working it out and genuinely changing, one step at a time).

A lot of it was that he has very stable parents- still married, spend a lot of time together now they are retired, never fought in front of the kids. So he genuinely didn't have a clue what to do if things didn't stick to that picture- he really subconsciously thought he was doing everything right just by going about marriage like his mum and dad did.

But you'll get nowhere if you never fancied him and if he can't admit that change, by both of you, is necessary.

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 15:52

Polly, I have in my past had sex with plenty of people I found repulsive- you do it if you have to :(

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 28/02/2017 15:53

Cross-posted again! No I'm confused lol!

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 15:54

Sorry Sew, why are you confused?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 28/02/2017 15:57

Polly, I have in my past had sex with plenty of people I found repulsive- you do it if you have to sad

So you allowed men to rape you?

This is the saddest post you have made today.

You don't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to. Was this abuse? As a child? Have you talked to anyone over this?

Please make an appt to see a counsellor- it's clear you have massive issues way beyond 'Is he the right man for me'.

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 15:59

Polly I wish I could have more counselling, I desperately need it.

The trouble is I have so many issues I find it overwhelming and don't know where to start- and it's expensive so I don't want to waste precious time talking about the wrong things.

OP posts:
SewMeARiver · 28/02/2017 16:02

Because the thread was updating so quickly new info meant my advice kept switching between is it love?and 'no leave its better for you'

I too am really sorry to hear you have been forced to sleep with men you find repulsive. How awful! Been there. I take back all my harsh words and give youFlowers and hugs.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 28/02/2017 16:03

Sewme - have you read the full thread, the part where he knows the full truth and still stays / doesn't want me to leave? The part where he loves me despite this?

When my brother was a teenager he had quite a serious/long-term relationship with a girl. He loved her. She was less invested but for various reasons she stayed with him (he used to spend a lot of cash on her for a start and he was very popular so there was a bit of a status type element to dating him). She told him that when they went to university she wanted to be single. She wanted to carry on dating until that time. Little brother should have told her to get stuffed and he was incredibly hurt to basically be told that she was just killing time with him before something better came along, but because he loved her he went along with it. She did the whole "but he's OK with it/he has agreed to it" thing. But really, she was stringing him along wasn't she? Because he was more emotionally invested than she was and she knew that he would hang on to any hope he gave her. The fact that she was still with him gave him hope. This is why (unless there's a drip feed coming) you have to take some responsibility for the way things have turned out. You have not done your husband a kindness by staying with him, no matter how you look at it. He would have got over it and he could have been with somebody who does love him, who does find him attractive and who does want to be with him.

I think the reason you're getting a few responses lacking in sympathy is because you seem unable to take responsibility in all the areas that you really should.

As for now, it sounds like you are throwing good years after bad. For both of you. Your husband can't possibly be truly happy if you don't love him. I don't think many of us would be very happy being married to someone who didn't love us back. You are also denying yourself the opportunity to find happiness. Life is scarily short. Don't waste yours and his.

SewMeARiver · 28/02/2017 16:06

Write down on paper which issues are disturbing you andvthen try to rank in order. Give dual issues a joint rank. Although from your posts and your history I would say No.1 is impaired self-esteem. 2. Learning acceptance and love of self

An assertiveness course might also help.

SewMeARiver · 28/02/2017 16:07

Write down on paper which issues are disturbing you andvthen try to rank in order. Give dual issues a joint rank. Although from your posts and your history I would say No.1 is impaired self-esteem. 2. Learning acceptance and love of self

An assertiveness course might also help.

PollyPerky · 28/02/2017 16:08

If you have this many issues, counselling is a must.

I am assuming that if you leave, you'd partly support yourself financially? You've not said anything about whether you work or have savings.

So- if you have any money at all, please invest in yourself and buy some counselling. Go to the BACP website and choose someone in your region who can help you with low self esteem and abuse (whether as child or in adult relationships.) It's about £40 a session so if you could afford 10 sessions it would be money well spent.

TheLittlePaperbagPrincess · 28/02/2017 16:10

Pieds I don't want to waste precious time talking about the wrong things

Maybe trusting that you will talk about the right things would be a start to helping you build some self-esteem. It would also take some of the pressure off.

I know that's one of the things that is so difficult to do early on in putting yourself back to gether, but it's a really valuable thing to realise that if it's bothering you then it's the right thing to talk about. This is all about putting you at the centre of your life, not about forcing yourself to behalve in way that is "right" or "correct".

It is tricky, but make an effort or a leap of faith to relax and trust yourself, you'll start talking about things in the right place for you, it will start to unravel no be less overwhelming.

Original poster
PiedsPortable · 28/02/2017 16:29

Thank you - helpful posts re how to approach counselling.

SewMe- when you've slept with people you find repulsive- it's difficult to find any meaning in sexual encounters - I just feel dead which is why I don't mind sleeping with DH, it's no longer a big deal. Sex has never done anything for me anyway, i just go through the motions.

OP posts:
MagnumPieEye · 28/02/2017 16:31

I don't think you can be responsible for other people's feelings. OP was clear with her husband from the start. Some people, like OP's H, are so passive that they will go along with anything - even misery, even denying what's in front of their face - to avoid shaking things up. OP seems very clear that she neither loves nor fancies her husband - there's nothing left to salvage.

OP, just leave and look after yourself. Let him move on too but you're not responsible for what he does.

DianaMemorialJam · 28/02/2017 16:41

Then you have been aggressive to posters for highlighting these elements of your post.

Op didn't get any posts deleted though did she? I think some posters have confused this board with AIBU Confused

Op you need to leave. Make arrangements, don't consult him on it. He clearly loves you and doesn't want to face up to the truth about your marriage, so you've got to make steps.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 28/02/2017 16:54

The part where I have stayed for 10 years out of concern for his feelings? The part where I am not even sure I want to leave, just asking for advice?

Sorry, but I don't fully buy the first part. When people say 'I don't want to hurt him', 99% of the time they mean 'I don't want to have awkward, painful conversations and feel bad about myself, I don't want to have to take responsibility for remaking my life and my own feelings, my misery is comfortable, and the unknown scares me'.

You obviously have a lot you need to unpack in your own life. But the fact that your husband currently wants you to stay doesn't make it the right thing to do, for him or for you. A life with someone who doesn't really love you is a half-life at best, one he is clinging to out of inertia and fear of the unknown just like you. And I don't think this is love that you just don't recognise; you don't even like him.

I think you chose someone who wouldn't challenge you emotionally, who wouldn't force you to confront the blanks in your life and your heart. Someone who you could palm off responsibility for making these decisions on. It's what he wants - which stops you ever having to think about what you want.

I think you need to get yourself into counselling to answer that question. What do you want? And something we haven't discussed is the impact on your child - growing up in a home of chilliness, where their model for a relationship is adults who have no truly shared warmth or communication.

MatildaTheCat · 28/02/2017 17:32

Haven't RTFT but I have a friend who has just left a thirty years relationship with a man she came to loathe for the reasons you cite at the beginning. Didn't want to disrupt the DC, lifestyle good etc etc.

She's now 60 and trying to start afresh. Her DC, whom she has told me for many years she needed to keep the status quo for, are saying she should have gone years,meven decades ago.

Don't be her.