Staying if you don't find your DH attractive?

[PiedsPortable]

I have NC for this.

Been with DH over 10 years. Have one DC. I am not sure if I love DH, I don't even like him sometimes. I don't find him attractive. I married as was desperate for DC, and realise this was a mistake.
My life now if deep down unhappy but sort of bearable. Tempted to have affairs as feel unfulfiled and bored, besides being unhappy. Have tried to talk to DH but he just says 'you're not' when I say I'm unhappy. Unsure how to deal with someone telling you you don't know how you feel. My Mother used to do the same.

I expect I'll get little sympathy for making a mistake of marrying him, but I do love DC so one good thing has come out of it.

I have depression and various therapists have said my mother caused me lots of issues and that relationship with DH is sustaining it.

Not sure what I'm asking for really - just advice, opinions I suppose, wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation. I feel very lonely and embarrassed to confide in anyone in RL.

GoodJob and Trip - I have been 100% honest with him all the way through - from before we got married. He still wanted to go ahead, knowing fully how I felt. How is that taking him for a ride'?

I have never 'pretended' to fancy him. He knows how I feel. He says he loves me. he doesn't want me to leave. He doesn't want anyone else.

Me on the other hand... it doesn't feel as if I matter much.

Sorry, being alone will make you happy. Then if you want, you can take the step of being happy with the right partner.

How can it feel as if you don't matter much when you have a man who says he loves you?

Does his behaviour show he loves you?

There are some bits of your posts that come over a bit like a martyr as if you need to wear that hat to give yourself permission to leave.

He's not going to give you the green light to go because he doesn't want that. But at the same time I wonder why he'd marry anyone who said they didn't really love him. Is he suffering from low self esteem? Does he feel having you is the only option and no one else wants him?

Polly did you not say that about 50% of women get married because their biological clock is ticking?
Yes there may be a 50% divorce rate however I'm not sure it correlates directly to what you suggested.

Polly - even though he is controlling, his behaviour is far better than what I would call 'severe' abuse (which I have experienced). I try to make the best of it and that's why I said it's not unbearable, I am just coasting along without really being happy. I don't know what it's like to have the life some posters have where they love their partners and fancy them and life seems great.

On the other hand, I am not naive enough to think real life is a 'bed of roses' and I'm sure every marriage goes through rough patches. Putting my feelings aside, I suppose I'm also trying to work out if I'm that unusual or not, and to wonder out if successful marriages can in fact be based on 'friendship'/ companionship or need more.

duck I think- without reading back- that I wrote I'd not be surprised if that number of women made decisions based on their biological clocks. I know many who did.

Polly - ref your later post - I'm not even sure if I want to leave. I'm not happy, but sometimes the grass always seems greener on the other side.
I can't answer regarding his self esteem, mine is low. He married me because he said he loved me.

Pieds I know of women in your situation who decided to stay and make the best of it.

Have you considered counselling for yourself? Might be worth doing and at least you will have someone professional, non-judgemental, allowing you to talk without being labelled a b...ch.

You sound uncertain about what to do. If you really knew what to do you'd not be asking strangers.

TBH on the sole basis of your DH saying 'you're not' when you say you are unhappy, I would leave.

Why? Simple reason that he won't take on board your emotions and discuss.

Saying to your DH that you are unhappy calls for a discussion and maybe sympathy. If he dismisses your feelings- and you allow him to without challenging him- that is not the basis for any relationship in my book.

The reason you are getting harsh replies is because you potray youself as if you had no control what-so-ever over your choices or your life. Your OP has victimhood written all over it. Not in the sympathy garnering sense. In the 'I am not responsible for anything sense'

First you insinuate that your biological clock all but forced you into marriage

Then you insinuate that because your husband was keen to press ahead with the marriage, you simply could not say no. But people know what organising a wedding entails, and it intails a lot of planning, setting the date etc, booking reception space, arranging honeymoon. How is it possible to go along with all this passively? Unless not so dear husband arranged it all for you?

Then you had ds, presumably whilst not finding dh particularly attractive. Was this a passive choice too, something that just happened?

Now you seem to suggest that you would have left, but have stayed because again, your dh wishes have kept you bound. It's all up to him.

Then you have been aggressive to posters for highlighting these elements of your post.

If your dh is controlling phone Women's Aid and leave.

However I too feel sorry for him. He's about to be devastated when he could have spent 10 years with a woman who loved him, instead of one who saw him as only good enough to give her a child. A child he'll likely be relegated to fortnightly weekends with now that he has performed his essential function, and thus his usefulness.

How old are you? Have you ever been in love?

It is worth exploring if due to your childhood you struggle to feel love.It could also be that your H is abusive and you should leave.

Sewme- sorry, but again an assumption - i.e. that all weddings are large/ elaborate affairs. Ours wasn't - simple / quick register office affair. There was no reception or honeymoon!!

Hermione - I am not going to give my age as I don't want to be outed, I am middle aged. I don't know if I have ever been in love as I don't really know what that entails. I have found people attractive and liked them.

Sewme - also, I haven't been aggressive, if my posts have come across that was then it's not how I intended.

Sewme - have you read the full thread, the part where he knows the full truth and still stays / doesn't want me to leave?
The part where he loves me despite this?
The part where I have stayed for 10 years out of concern for his feelings? The part where I am not even sure I want to leave, just asking for advice?

What is it that you don't find attractive about him? Is it his whole appearance?

Sweetie, his appearance yes, but that's only a very superficial part of it.

It is his interests and his level of education, and that we have nothing in common and vastly different interests.

I look forward to the times I am alone as I can follow the pursuits I am interested in which bore him.

What is your marriage like day to day? Do you do things together and have fun? Do you still have sex? If not how does he feel about both?

You have 3 options:
-stay as you are, count your blessings and find things to do that make you happy outside this marriage. Work, hobbies, friends.
-divorce and maybe find another man, maybe not.

• have an open marriage where your DH who is so desperate to keep you or the status quo, turns a blind eye to affairs or dalliances.

You are responsible only for your happiness. He is for his.

I have to ask this: is there really no positive thing about your husband that you find attractive? I obviously don't mean just physical looks, but maybe for instance how he treats you, how he treats your DC, etc.

Polly, we do our own thing mainly unless DC involved.

He still wants sex, I don't, but I consent as I feel mean saying no.

Leave him and let him find someone who truely loves him. Don't have an affair.

Pied, do you have any idea what you want to do? It's good that you've posted here. Is it helping you make any sense or to decide what you'll do?

It seems obvious that, currently, your DH isn't going to make any changes from his perspective, so it seems that you're going to have to do that for the both of you, either way. However, one day he might change his mind and decide he's had enough. How will you feel about that?

I was left by my LTP fairly recently, and he revealed to me that, for most of our relationship, he actually hadn't wanted to be with me. That devastated me, obvs. He has since retracted that and apologised, but I know in my heart of hearts, that's really how he felt.

Your DH knows how you feel and have felt from the beginning and is happy to cruise along. It seems that the ball's firmly in yours.

Amanda, he is more used to normal life than me. I was brought up in a strange religious environment, almost like a cult, which made it difficult for me to know how to deal with the real world. I dislike how he treats DC, shouting and smacking when younger, and threatened to report him if he didn't stop the abuse.

But tingly - he doesn't want to be with anyone else!

Fairenough. I take your registry office point. Massive assumption onnmy part. Sorry.

You say: I don't know if I have ever been in love as I don't really know what that entails

Bearing in mind your abusive parental example, are you 100% sure what you have now isn't love? Real, 'If you were dying of cancer and lost all your hair and were throwing up constantly I'd be there for you love?'. The sometimes mundane, down-to-earth, non-sky-shattering love? Would you recognise real love if it stood in front of you and did cartwheels?

Is it possible at all that your past is still influencing your emotions negatively? I ask this not to be dismissive, but genuinely out of regard for your past and your tendency (which comes through your posts) that you have been afraid to take risks that might cause you emotional pain. Hence it has been easy to just fall in with other peoples wishes. Plus you say you have not experienced love.

Are you certain you do not have an idealised picture of what 'love' is? Most people wrongly equate it with passion. Check out the OW thread running right now.

I have an abusive past, and sometimes every argument or flaw with DH is magnified in my mind x100,000. Normal stuff that people would overlook burns like the sun. A hurtful comment is like 10,000x more deeply felt.

It is easy to be discontent with all that internal noise and the overlap of the past going on. Just make sure you are not throwing something good away for the wrong reasons.

But as I said if you want out, then leave by all means. You appear to know your own mind.

The time for him to decide about being with someone else is some time after you have left. Many men and women stay in marriages because they are afraid of change. he won't know if he wants anyone else until there is a void in his life.

I think you are being very very silly to consent to sex for his sake when you don't want it. This is just reinforcing the idea you are 'happy' and he's not seeing the full impact of your emotional state.

For goodness sake, get some self respect and stop having sex just to keep him happy.