Staying if you don't find your DH attractive?

[PiedsPortable]

I have NC for this.

Been with DH over 10 years. Have one DC. I am not sure if I love DH, I don't even like him sometimes. I don't find him attractive. I married as was desperate for DC, and realise this was a mistake.
My life now if deep down unhappy but sort of bearable. Tempted to have affairs as feel unfulfiled and bored, besides being unhappy. Have tried to talk to DH but he just says 'you're not' when I say I'm unhappy. Unsure how to deal with someone telling you you don't know how you feel. My Mother used to do the same.

I expect I'll get little sympathy for making a mistake of marrying him, but I do love DC so one good thing has come out of it.

I have depression and various therapists have said my mother caused me lots of issues and that relationship with DH is sustaining it.

Not sure what I'm asking for really - just advice, opinions I suppose, wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation. I feel very lonely and embarrassed to confide in anyone in RL.

How does he treat you Pieds? If he's abusive in any way, then you have nothing to feel guilty about if you leave.

How about this pied - you married someone just because you wanted a child. You have spent 10 years making him think you loved him. 10 years tricking him and faking happy families. 10 years presumably having the advantage of his support, finances and everything else.

So you get everything by pretending to love someone and he gets the pee taken out of him.

I can imagine it has been horrible for you but what you've done is horrible

Trip - have you never heard of marriages of convenience / arranged marriages?

They work for many people, although I expect you would scoff at that.

Love is all about lust for many people.

Sorry but I'm reporting all the bitch comments.
No need for it.

I be there are something like 50% of marriages where women married due to their biological clock ticking and who have had 2nd thoughts / regrets.

The OP asked for advice- not a stoning.

HappyBunny - I see everything very well from his point of view!

That's why I have stayed 10 years and not left him.

How is that cold or heartless?

Thanks Polly. I didn't occur to me that I could report that.

I am so used to being attacked/ put down, it just feels like normal behaviour TBH.

The bitches here are the ones using that word against the OP. Disgusting.

I am just being honest and asking for advice.

I would have thought it patently obvious I am neither cold or heartless - otherwise I would have just upped and left at some point during the past 10 years without a thought for DH or DC.

I realise I made a commitment (albeit a misguided one). I am unhappy but then so are probably 1000s of others. Life is not perfect or like a movie.

Polly where did you get that statistic from? So half of your female friends or relatives got married because their ovaries were ticking? That's absurd!

op seriously, just leave. If you were implying she has been abusive towards you then you have your answer although you would have had very different answers if you had mentioned it in your op. (And yes, I'm assuming that you meant dh as there's a bit of drip drip going on).

...implying dh has been abusive...

"I've tried to 'free' him but I don't think he wants to be 'freed'
Sure? Try telling him you only married him to have a child as you were desperate! That ought to do the trick! You have stolen enough of his life already haven't you?

Dadaist - he knows that. Doesn't make any difference. He says he loves me, that's why I have stayed for the past 10 years, at least that way one of us is happy.

duckwalk I don't mean to drip feed, since you wish to know, DH can be controlling, especially finanically.

My mother and brother also physically and emotionally abused me well into my adult life (beyond 18).

Your poor dh. I feel really sorry for him.

Such arseholes on this thread. I'm sorry OP. You wanted a child, perfectly natural thing to want and you married the wrong guy for it. So what, he'll get over it. You both have a beautiful child together... just try to keep leaving hI'm as smooth as possible for their sakes. How many of us settle for the wrong types... loads of us. Leave OP alone, she made a mistake of marrying the wrong person... happens to many of us!
Idiots.

There really is only two things you can do :

Leave him
Don't leave him- continue living a life you are not satisfied with, married to a man you don't like. What about when your child grows up and leaves? And it's just the two of you again?

You don't need permission to leave. Maybe it's just things aren't that bad and you can sleepwalk through life for a while longer. That's definately the path of least resistance.

Oblomov - I expect you'd feel a whole lot more sorry for him if I left. He wants me to stay.

op if he's abusive and controlling then leave, definitely.
We can only advise on the information we have.

Timetohittheroad- I am going for path of least resistance at the moment.

As I said to another poster, staying also means that at least one of is happy (2 if you count DC )

If I left •I• would be happy (selfishly?) - but Dh and DC would be sad.

duckwalk - sure but it's complicated. Sometimes, when being abused is all you know / have known, getting 'milder' abuse can seem ok in that it is better than (a) your past life and (b) being alone.

I could never be with someone I didn't find attractive let alone sleep with them let alone have their baby no matter how desperate I was.

I feel sorry for him, you've taken him for a ride.

Pied they would be initially hurt but would then go on to have happy lives. Your poor husband would find someone who actually lives him and he'd be a lot happier than he thinks he is now.

I was abused my whole life in some shape or form by family and partners, so I know exactly what you are saying.
However, being abused is never better than being alone. If dh is abusive I wouldn't care less about his happiness. And surely your dc will eventually pick up on your unhappiness. In situations like this you have to put yourself first.
Being alone may make you happy inside, and that will show on the outside too...your dc will recognise that. Surely you'll be setting a better example by leaving?

OP I am sure you have thought of this already but is there any way you could learn to love your DH? (Ignore that if he is a controlling arse.)

I just hope you aren't searching for some 'roses round the door, happy ever after dream' when what you have is a sound marriage that just doesn' t tick all the boxes. No marriage is perfect.

Only you know how you feel; but there is a big difference between making a calculated decision over marrying someone just to conceive, and marrying someone who ticks some boxes but the lust has worn off.

If you really cannot see any way this could be better, with him changing his behaviour- maybe via couples counselling- then end it.

He may love you, he may just be terrified of change.

And to the poster who asked about the 50% stat- it's not scientific research but of all my friends and relatives I'd say a third are really happily married, the rest had doubts and have stuck with it because of the impact on the family, and a third have split up.

Don't forget the stats for divorce are over 40 per cent- so not sure why you are so shocked.